Every step Shizuo took led him more and more into doubt, into questioning what he was doing. His ignorance was gone unnoticed by the people around him. It was as if the man was wandering about in the midst of a dream, of a nightmare. He couldn't think for the very essence of his life.
What had Izaya meant?
He liked Kasuka more than him.
Lots of people loved Kasuka, he was an accomplished actor. He had movies that were shown around the world. He traveled to exotic places and got to do things that children only dreamed of doing. He won awards that gathered the envy of his fellows.
Shizuo himself…
He hadn't held down a stable job until Tom offered him the bodyguard gig. He was violent, often losing his temper over things that others would find trivial. He was known for getting into fights, usually either with gangs or, more commonly, the informant himself.
He didn't like it, he really didn't.
He couldn't tell what he felt, but Kasuka being regarded higher by the informant… for Izaya to feel more for the young actor…
It sent his temper boiling.
He just didn't know WHY!
He loved his brother. Kasuka was one of the only people in his life that, no matter how badly he screwed up, no matter how stupid a move he made; was always there for him.
…the very thought of Izaya doing that for him seemed so random and fantastical that it was almost impossible.
Shizuo couldn't deny that he really wanted that though.
He felt his heart race faster at the thought. His mind's eye danced with images of the informant being there for him, helping him out when he needed it, laughing with him for once about something trivial, them having an actual meal together and getting along. Them just watching television. Them walking down the street, not causing further bills to land on the city's government desks.
He wanted it. He wanted it so badly he could hardly breathe.
But Izaya had said that he loved Kasuka more.
The idea of Izaya doing all those normal things with Kasuka, the very thought of Izaya looking at Kasuka with such… such a caring gaze made Shizuo feel like destroying the entire city. He wanted to burn the skyscrapers to the ground and scream out into the midst of a storm. He wanted to lose his control and let the monster in him really be set free.
Why though?
He didn't understand why he was having these feelings run through him. He just couldn't wrap his mind around the reasoning behind all of his spiraling, conflicting emotions.
He loved Kasuka.
He loved his brother very much, but if he dared to encroach upon his flea…
Shizuo stopped in the middle of the street, his eyes widening as he thought more and more, his thoughts dashing beyond his control.
Why?
Why? Why? Why?
Why did he feel this way?
He couldn't understand! He didn't want to hurt his brother, but Izaya's words sent him into anger so strong that he felt like, if he let it be released, he would only end up hurting his sibling.
His sudden urge to see his brother was gone.
He didn't want to hurt Kasuka. He just wanted to turn around and make Izaya see reason. The only thought running through his mind that made any sense to him, the only thought that his consciousness was able to handle was that he wanted to be able to make the informant realize that he felt more towards his own self than to his brother. That, no matter how much Kasuka achieved, no matter how many miles Kasuka clocked, it couldn't compare.
Yeah, he needed to turn back and go see Izaya.
Unaware of the cars honking at him, Shizuo turned and headed back the way he had come. His thoughts were so focused, he walked directly passed Simon, ignoring the Russian's advertising. He walked past the otaku duo, Erika explaining more yaoi as Walker nodded.
His feet carried him past street after street. His body listening to the city signs and lights even as his mind ignored all of it. There was nothing else he wanted to think about tonight. There was nothing else that mattered.
Izaya.
The flea had infected his mind like a plague. He was in the final stage of the fall. The fall to what, he didn't know, but he was tumbling further and further down the rabbit hole. He didn't want to have things turn around and go back to the way they were.
That he knew.
He threw the informant's door open and walked inside to see Izaya typing away at his computer, his teeth faintly visible as he bit his lip. His concentration was completely focused on the computer. His hair shone in the monitor light. His red eyes skimmed through the screen text, his hands picking up ootoro every now and then to eat.
Shizuo watched him, standing in the doorway.
Thoughts died as he watched, entranced with the informant.
Another piece of ootoro was picked up, sucked into the informant's puckered lips, the informant shut his eyes as he savored the delicacy. It made the bodyguard shudder for reasons unfathomable.
He wanted to shut the door, to lock the world away and claim the man in every way known to man. He wanted to make it so no one could ever take the informant away from him. The informant to be so claimed, that no one could look at him without fearing Shizuo's wrath.
When these emotions and feelings had come into being, he didn't know, but they were there. He moved forth and stopped short of the informant.
"Shizu-chan. I thought you had left. I appreciate the bodyguarding, but as you can see, the fangirls are all obviously asleep and/or gone. You have done a good job of ridding me of all of them, however, I have no need of you. You can go home. I still like Kasuka more."
Shizuo stared at him, his ire towards his own brother increasing as the informant stated his own feeling. He didn't want to hear the informant ever say his brother's name…
Ever again.
