Despair by SLynn

Chapter 9:  Truth Be Told

It hadn't taken much to knock Spike unconscious; the real work had been getting him back to her house.

Buffy had so wanted to dust him.  To just for once and for all be done with the bastard.  She'd come close to doing it too, but had held back.  They needed answers.  It was obvious Spike was somehow involved in all of this, had been in contact with Constance, and Buffy needed to know where to find her.

"A little help please," Buffy called as she entered the house, dragging Spike behind her.

"Buffy," Giles exclaimed, "what happened?"

"I'll explain as we tie him up.  Anya, get some rope or something.  We've got to hurry, he could wake up soon."

Giles rushed over to help Buffy lug the surprisingly heavy Spike to a chair in the dining room.  Anya came back rather quickly and began to wrap him up.

"Wow Buffy," she said dryly, "you really beat the crap out of him."

"I didn't do half of that, Constance did."

Giles and Anya stared at him.

"And he is apparently chip-less, so make sure those are tight," Buffy continued, indicating the ropes.

Anya began to double check her handiwork.

"She took out the chip?" Giles asked in disbelief.

"Took it out, short circuited it, who knows.  He was waiting for me at the Magic Shop.  Seems Constance found herself an errand boy.  She knew we'd go back for supplies to cure Willow."

"Speaking of that…"

"Oh," Buffy interrupted, "sorry.  With all of the dragging and clubbing I'd nearly forgot."

Buffy pulled several small vials out of her backpack.

"That's everything you asked for although you might want to test it or something.  Who knows what other traps she might have set."

"Good point," Giles answered, turning from all of them and taking the items into the kitchen.

There was silence as Buffy and Anya stood before a very unconscious and tied-up Spike.

"Do you think…" Anya started and stopped abruptly.

More silence.

"We're not going to be able to do anything for him, are we?" Anya finally got out.

"Spike?" Buffy asked skeptically, "If I have anything to say about it we'll kill him as soon as he's given up all he knows."

"Not Spike Buffy, Xander.  Do you think anyone can do anything for Xander?"

Buffy decided to be truthful, no matter how much it hurt them both.

"I don't think so.  I don't think there's anything left of him to help.  Not anymore."

"What?" she stared in disbelief.  "You're just going to give up on him?  After everything he's done for you.  What will you do, just kill him, throw up your hands and say, 'Oh well, it was our only option!"

"It's not like that Anya," Buffy said, trying hard to fight back her rage, "but we need to face reality.  It made sense for us to believe Xander was still fighting Constance, trying to regain control, but I just can't see that anymore.  I can't believe that any part of him is still in there.  Not after all of this.  Xander would never hurt Willow.  He would never conspire with Spike.  Constance has been playing us.  She has all of his memories; it wouldn't be hard to convince us she was him if she had too.  She's been doing it for over a week, maybe longer."

"That's bullshit," Anya yelled, "and you know it.  You saw him Buffy.  You know what she did to him.  How was he supposed to fight that?  Hell, look at Spike.  She had a hundred year old vampire at her beck and call, after what, a day."

"Girls," they heard from the top of the steps, "that's enough."

Looking up they saw Joyce and Tara watching them.

Joyce, satisfied that she had stopped them for the time being, returned to Willow's side.

"Buffy," Tara said quietly as she came down the stairs, "he is still in there.  You can't give up."

"How could you know that?  How are any of us supposed to know that?  I'm tried of being taken for a fool by that thing.  She knew we wouldn't try to hurt her while she was in his body.  She knew we couldn't.  Constance has been playing us."

"When Willow and I did the spell, he was still there Buffy.  You have to believe that."

"I don't know…" Buffy said as she turned away, heading for the kitchen, leaving the two girls to just watch her walk away.

Giles looked up from re-reading the counter-spell and checking over the various ingredients needed when Buffy entered.  She stood over the sink just looking out the window.

"Everything alright?" he asked, knowing full well it wasn't.  They'd be yelling loud enough to wake the dead in there.

"No." Buffy said, shaking her head.  Her voice was wavering.  "Nothing is alright.  I don't know what to think anymore Giles.  I don't know what to do."

He stood up and went over to her.

"I thought," Buffy began, and then began again, "I thought Xander had to still be in there.  That he'd be fighting her."

Giles remained quiet, aware that she only needed to get this out without interruption.

"But she sent Spike to kill me.  She did that.  Xander would never…"

She turned to face Giles.  At that moment he thought he'd never really seen her defeated.

"…he'd never let that happen Giles.  He just wouldn't…"

Buffy's voice trailed off.  It was easy for Giles to understand where she was coming from.

"Buffy," he began, his voice calm "we must try to understand.  He's not the one doing this.  I thought you knew that?  Xander, in all likelihood, may have absolutely no control over what is happening, but that doesn't mean he's not still in there.  We can't just abandon him to it.  Especially since he would never do that to any of us."

Buffy nodded her head, wiping the tears from her eyes.  Giles had a way of making things clearer.  It was what she needed to hear.  Each time she met with Xander/Constance, it had been harder and harder to separate the two from each other.  And to see him laughing over his best friend like that.  And then Spike.  It was just plain mind-numbing. 

Satisfied that Buffy was at least a little better, Giles returned to his work.

"Giles," Buffy said, stopping before going back to the others, "Constance was right though."

"About what?"

"If we can fix this, get her out of his body, it's going to kill him."

With that, she just left the room, leaving Giles to ponder that statement.

****

By the time the antidote was prepared and being administered by Giles to Willow, Spike was coming too.

"Glad you could join us," Buffy greeted him.

"What's this then?"

"Come on Spike, don't play dumb.  You're lucky I didn't kill you back at the Magic Shop."

Spike just kind of snickered.

"Yeah, that was fun.  Like old times."

"Let's get one thing straight, I'm not here to relive the good old days with you.  I want to know where Dawn is."

"Little bit?  What makes you think I know?"

"Anya, the squirt gun please."

"With pleasure," the ex-demon replied, handing over the child-like weapon.

"Talk," Buffy said, her face serious despite holding a purple plastic toy at the vampire.

"Is this some kind of… owwwww!… bloody hell…  I'll talk, I'll talk.  Just turn off the water works."

"Good," Buffy said, no longer spraying him with the holy water, "where is she?"

"Old abandoned building by the docks.  Somewhere on the second floor."

"There's like a half a dozen abandoned buildings down there," Anya exclaimed.

"You're going to have to be more specific," Buffy said, aiming the gun again.

"It's on the corner of Bayshore and 81st street.  Really, that's all I know."

"You'd better not be lying," Buffy said as she and Anya walked up the stairs to join the others.

"So what, you're just going to leave me here?"

No answer.

"Buffy?"

Still nothing.

"Buffy!"

****

Xander was awake.  Whatever Constance had done to him had momentarily knocked him unconscious, but he had been awake for hours now.  He wasn't locked up.  He wasn't hurt.  He just simply didn't know what to do.

There was only one thought running through his head at that time.

'How am I ever going to face them again?'

That thought had kept him glued in place since Constance had returned his memories.  Everything she'd done to his friends, he'd lived and relived a thousand times.

'How am I ever going to face them again?'

It was like a dream almost.  You know the type that keeps repeating over and over until you wake up shaking and trying to forget.  Except he couldn't wake up and he couldn't forget.

'They're going to hate me.  They're never going to trust me again.'

He just sat with his head in his hands and tried to force out the mental pictures that continuously invaded his head.

'Buffy, Anya, Willow, Giles…why did I let this happen?'

The room spun.  There was no getting past it.  No way out of it.

'Dawn.'

That thought stuck.

"Dawn," he said aloud, almost as if he had snapped out of a dream.

She was here.  He'd been so caught up in self-pity that he had forgotten that she was here, somewhere in this building with him.

"Dawn!" he yelled, hoping she'd answer, as he began frantically searching about the place.

As hard as he had been trying to forget, he now found himself trying to remember.  Where did Constance put her?

It came to him in a flash as he raced towards the closet in the back.

Flinging open the door, his eyes locked with hers.

'Oh God, she's afraid of me,' he thought, knowing he'd never forget the look on her face.

And she was.  All Dawn could think was that Xander had finally really snapped and was going to kill her.  She'd heard him yelling throughout the place and had hoped he'd forgotten where she was.  Unfortunately, he hadn't.

"Dawn," he said, hesitantly reaching for her as he knelt down, "I'm so sorry.  I didn't mean for any of this…"

Dawn squirmed her way as far as she could into the back of the closet, even attempting once or twice to kick him with her bound feet.

"Please," he said, his voice starting to falter, "I'll untie you and you can just leave.  I won't come near you again.  I promise."

Dawn wanted to believe him.  He was sounding like his old self.  Looking more like the Xander she knew, but it could be a trick.  Whatever had caused him to blow a gasket could just be temporarily fixed.

"At least let me untie your hands," he was practically begging her now, afraid to get any closer, "I'll undo them and you can do the rest."

Slowly, Dawn put her hands out in front of her.  Xander, as quick as he could and touching her as little as possible, began to undo the ropes.

"Get away from her."

The voice had startled them both causing Dawn to push herself back further into the closet and Xander to jump to his feet.

"Buffy," was all he managed in a choked voice before she was at him.

'I was right,' he thought as the force of the blow knocked him to the wall, 'they're never going forgive me.'