CHAPTER 9
October 2009
"You're not looking at me like the others" Dave watched quietly from the corner as Carol cradled her son close as though scared he and Emily were there to take the baby away.
Emily sat back in the hard plastic chair, legs crossed, posture as relaxed and nonthreatening as she could make it.
"What do you mean?"
"Like you're wondering how I could love him."
"That's because I'm not wondering, I know you just do."
A piece of the puzzle slid into place, then another and another. Little things he'd been cataloguing for two years. Her fierce protectiveness of her kids, how much she sheltered them away from the world and it wasn't just the job. From what he had been able to glean this had been going on long before Emily had come to the BAU.
When they got home he picked out a bottle of his favourite red wine and made the drive out to Emily's house. Given the time of night, the kids would be in bed and Ayesha would either be out with friends or at class. When she opened the front door he held the bottle aloft.
"Given the last couple of day's I figured you could use a drink."
She silently moved aside to let him into the house, leading him down to the kitchen she quickly got out two wine glasses and waited until they were seated at the kitchen table, glasses full and bottle in between them.
"You were quiet on the jet...?" He kept his voice soft, not wanting to wake her kids.
"Yeah..."
He waited patiently, they'd had enough of these conversations to know she wouldn't speak until ready. Being at home had relaxed her enough that he could read her as easily as a child.
"Gideon used to do this... turn up on my doorstep with a bottle of wine after a case. It started when I moved to Virginia. He'd spend time with the kids and after they were in bed we'd just talk for hours about everything and nothing and in the end there was only one thing I never told him..." her dark eyes met his "I never told him about Rome... It's just something I don't talk about no matter how much that event shaped me and the decisions I would make over 15 years later..." she trailed off unsure of how to continue, the words floating around her head but none of them felt right.
"Did Nell's father rape you?" he knew the whole team wondered why she was so closed mouthed about the children's paternity, he also knew he wasn't the only one who wondered if this was the reason why.
"The sex itself was consensual, but I never consented to unprotected sex. He wanted a child... I didn't... he forced the issue and tampered with my birth control. I considered… you know… for all of 3 minutes but I couldn't do it again." Over 20 years and she still couldn't use the word abortion.
"That's why you insisted on being the one who interviewed Carol."
"Yeah... I know what it's like to love a child while hating their father." Dave could see the resignation in her eyes "The rest of the team... they know Nell wasn't planned but they don't..."
"Know you had the choice taken away from you." Dave finished for her.
Emily's bottom lip was pulled between her teeth as she nodded.
"I don't know how to explain keeping a child I was trapped into getting pregnant with without telling them about Rome."
Dave let her drop into silence and gather her thoughts while he sipped on wine. After a few minutes she turned and studied him reading the next question before he asked, what was it about her that got Gideon got so invested in her.
"The Bureau screwed up…" Dave's eyes widened slightly "They missed my psych eval after an operation I was working on went south and no one noticed just how damaged I was until I met Gideon 2 years later and by then…"
"Pointing out the error and standing you down until cleared would do more damage than keeping you active and working through the issues privately."
"Yeah… he wanted me in the BAU but knew I needed to heal first."
"How classified is the mission?"
Haunted eyes lifted to meet his "There are two people who know everything. Six more who know most of it."
"It still influences you doesn't it. That mission is why you don't let Ayesha take the kids into DC without you, why you won't take them to visit your parents in Europe? Someone could recognise you and put them in danger?" Emily's breath hitched as Dave, much like Gideon years before managed to zero in on her motivations.
"Yes… It's why I transferred to Chicago. No friends or family, no connections, I knew we'd be safe there, it's also the real reason I picked Aquia Harbour. Small community, the neighbours all know each other and are more than happy to report back any change in routine… and I'm betting tomorrow morning Patty across the road will be asking about my gentleman caller."
Dave chuckled, he and Carolyn had had a Patty across the road.
"It's why it took me 5 months to mention them to anyone in Chicago and 6 before anyone at the BAU other than Gideon met them."
8 years before Emily would have been able to sit across from Karl Arnold and be exactly what he wanted. She would have flirted, sparred, insulted, and insinuated whatever he needed in order to get what she wanted out of him.
Somewhere… she had lost the ability that made her such a successful undercover operative. She wasn't upset, in fact she was quite relieved to know that part of herself was gone.
On the other hand it made compartmentalising Karl Arnold so much more difficult. Standing with Hotch outside the interrogation room she just felt dirty and used. If they didn't need his information so badly she'd pull the plug right now.
Hours of playing his game…
"It takes a good woman to make an honest man. And anyway, let's face it… she's prettier than you." Arnold eyed her making her fight to not squirm uncomfortably before turning his gaze back to Hotch. "And from what I hear there's no man in the picture either… just a boy who she loves like her own and a girl who's looking more and more like Mommy every day."
The only thing that stops her from punching him is Hotch's hand on her shoulder holding her in the seat.
She manages to hold back her tears for hours. She doesn't let them out when Foyet pulls the trigger, when she sees Hotch covered in blood clutching Jack to him, when the coroner takes Haley's body away, when she has to tell Declan and Nell. She holds them in and looks after everyone else until sometime after midnight when she strips down and gets into the shower.
By the time the water heats up the tears have started, her entire body shakes with the sobs she's been holding back all day.
Haley's life was the final price for not bowing to Foyet's demands, not feeding his delusion. Haley who accepted her from the first time they met, who she could giggle like a teenager with, who gave her and her kids their first real family Christmas.
When the sobs finally abate she quickly dries off and gets dressed, back in the bedroom she discovers Nell curled up in the middle of her bed. Sliding under the covers she curls around the 6 year old and drifts off into an exhausted slumber.
She's not sure how much time has passed when the covers are lifted, the bed dips and Declan curls into her back.
The desire to run comes back tenfold, Haley and Jack are proof that she can't protect her kids from everything. She tamps it down and pulls them closer, they'll be fine… Foyet was an aberration.
The exception, not the rule.
When word came back to the team that Hotch would be returning as Unit Chief, Emily has a quiet discussion with Ayesha before heading over to his apartment.
She smiled briefly at Jess when the blond opened the door and slipped inside.
"You'll be looking after Jack when Hotch is away?" Emily asked her quietly watching Hotch and Jack play quietly on the floor.
"Yeah" Jess responded with a half-smile as Hotch whispered to his son before getting up and walking over to the two women.
"You know I'll be back in the office on Monday don't you?" Hotch questioned her.
"Yeah, but I wanted to talk to the two of you privately." Emily pulled an envelope out of her pocket and handed it to Jess "This is a key to my place, the security code and Ayesha's cell number. If you ever need help with Jack give her a call and she'll look after him with my two. I finally finished converting the basement into a studio for her so he'll even have his own bedroom. Jack knows Ayesha and the three kids get on well and it gives you guys another option in case of emergencies." Emily's gaze flickered between the two of them as she waited for a response.
"Prent.. Emily thank you." Hotch's voice was hoarse as he stared at the envelope Jess was still clutching.
"I've been there Hotch... All alone with a little boy and no idea of how the hell I'm going to do it by myself." Emily swallowed hard "I'm still not sure how I survived the first year."
"Do you remember Jack's first Christmas? Haley didn't know it but it was our first real one too. I'd never seen anything like it... and I'd never been able to give it to my kids either. There was nothing I could ever do to repay you guys for that day... never mind the friendship and acceptance you offered me freely I'll do anything I can to help you guys out."
"She knew." Jess' voice was thick with tears "Mom and I questioned her pretty hard on why she wanted to invite you to our family Christmas, she wouldn't tell us why it was so important to her just that she didn't want you guys to be alone."
She's still a little woozy when they get back from Lockport, nowhere near steady enough to drive. Ayesha winces when she see's the bruises covering Emily's face and the bandage on her wrist. The kids never react well when Emily comes home injured, Nell regresses to her clingiest and Declan is old enough to understand the danger of her job and has started hovering over her every time she gets a bump or a bruise on the job.
As she's listening to Reid try and talk Samantha Malcolm around Emily feel's a rage bubble up at the people and the system that failed this poor girl.
She didn't want to kill or hurt people… Samantha just wanted her friends back. Samantha's voice floats over the comm and the sheer joy they hear when Reid opens the suitcase with her dolls is painful.
The list of people Emily compares with Ian Doyle is small and Arthur Malcolm has just been added to it.
A bad month of cases has them all at the tipping point when JJ pleads with the team to do the equivocal death investigation in Evanston Wyoming. None of the team come away from it unscathed, although they all try to shake off the way one sick and twisted man managed to convince so many kids to kill themselves. It's not until she starts fiddling with the star puzzle that a smile manages to break through the melancholy.
Her father had found it in a toy shop in Slovakia and sent it for Declan. As clever as he was Declan didn't have the patience for this type of puzzle yet, Emily was planning on pulling it out again for him in a few years. She'd found the pieces strewn through her car after he'd tossed them on the floor in frustration and Emily is pretty sure she'd gathered them up and tossed them in her briefcase meaning to store them away but promptly forgot once she actually got inside the house.
JJ is still morose and brooding but the rest of the teams spirits have picked up.
Emily stood inside Lynn Clemmons house and studied the picture of Jody Hatchett Garcia had sent. If they were right this little girl was the Unsubs endgame, protecting her and freeing Nancy Campbell was the teams sole goal and all Emily wanted to do was call her kids.
God Jody's eyes were the exact same shade of blue as Declan and Nell.
She slipped out of the door as Jody ran up the drive, took her into her bedroom and wanted to throw up when Jody explained the stories behind her paintings. The King desperately searching for a Queen to take home to the Princess, it was a heartbreaking tale. This beautiful little girl had lost her Mom, her Foster Mom and by the end of the day her Dad would be in custody.
Despite her best efforts Emily couldn't completely shelter Jody from her father's last desperate act and as the gun shot echoed down the street the 7 year old cried out in fear. Clutching the terrified child to her Emily lifted her up, pressed Jody's face down and into her neck, the girls tears soaking down into her neck and shirt.
For the briefest of moments all Emily could see was a pitch dark tunnel.
Shaking it off she carried Jody out of the front room and to her bedroom so she wouldn't have to live with the memory of seeing SWAT converge on her father's truck, the blood and brain matter coating the windows, her father's dead body.
When they got to the bedroom Emily eased them down onto the bed and rocked back and forth humming under her breath letting Jody sob. After several minutes she could feel Jody's grip start to slacken as the fear gave way to exhaustion.
Looking down Emily could see her eyes sliding open and shut, rubbing a hand lightly up her back she continued to rock gently hoping Jody would drop off to sleep. If she tried hard enough she could pretend she was comforting Declan or Nell after a bad dream.
Another few minutes and Jody's body was completely limp in her lap. A noise at the bedroom door made her look up, Hotch was standing there with Nancy Campbell.
"I just…" Nancy bit her bottom lip "I just wanted to make sure she was ok"
Nancy stepped into the room and lowered herself into the chair JJ sat in less than an hour before, her eyes never leaving the now sleeping Jody.
"When my husband died… I was so scared… I didn't know if I could raise Courtney alone. I got lucky, I had friends and family who stepped in and got us through that first year. I can't imagine what would have happened to us without them."
"You're wondering if without that support you would have ended up in a similar position to Wade Hatchett?" Hotch asked quietly.
"Yeah…"
Emily kept swaying and running her hand gently up and down Jody's back while she pondered her response. Before she could decide what to say Hotch spoke up softly, the weariness and honesty in his voice surprising Emily.
"Since my wife died 2 months ago I've thought about the same thing every single day."
"I had no one…" Emily knew Nancy needed to hear this and maybe Hotch did as well "When my daughter was born the hospital called social services, they were worried about me coping with a 5 year old, a new born and no support system…"
She caught the slight widening of Hotch's eyes at her admission.
"He's not the first parent to struggle raising a child by himself and he won't be the last."
When they finally got back on the jet to head home Hotch sat across from Emily and watched her for a few minutes unsure how to broach the topic she was an expert at sidestepping. He hoped he might be able to get more of an answer this time considering the admission she had made the day before.
"We all knew you didn't have anyone in Chicago, but I didn't realise just what that meant for you and the kids until yesterday. Maybe I didn't want to think about the position you were in."
"The first couple of months were actually pretty easy." Emily smiled remembering the early day's of quiet mornings watching cartoons, reading books and colouring and afternoons playing in the snow.
"It was just me and Dec… it didn't get hard until I hit my 3rd trimester with Nell. I was exhausted, Declan had more energy than I knew what to do with and two days at pre-k were not enough. Fortunately the pregnancy itself was smooth, we were both healthy and I didn't have any scares. The social worker assigned to us was actually a good thing. She'd pop by for a visit make sure the kids were healthy, fed and dressed and let me vent when I needed it. Nell was 6 months old when she closed off the file on us, she still emails me every now and then when she needs a reminder that not every case ends badly. I send her a recent picture and she uses me as an example to new case workers so they know that some parents just need someone sitting quietly in their corner."
"Is that what you guys have been trying to do for me and Jack? Not trying to take over or make everything better, just trying to make sure I know you're in my corner?"
"Yeah…" her face breaks out into a wide grin "How're we doing?"
He doesn't respond but the smile he gives her is enough.
That summer Emily manages to get two weeks off work. She sends Ayesha on a holiday and takes Declan and Nell to Niagara Falls.
She decides to make a road trip of it and they end up visiting Pittsburgh, Buffalo, Providence, New York and Philadelphia.
By the time they get home they are all exhausted but happy and ready to go back to their normal routine.
School goes back, Declan into 7th Grade and Nell into 2nd.
On the 8th anniversary of Ian Doyle's death Emily's world goes to hell.
END CHAPTER
End AN: We're down to one chapter and the epilogue left to be posted. A big thank you to all those who have read, reviewed, followed and favourited.
