A/N: Well, it's been two weeks since my last update. I'm slightly ashamed...but I've been doing a bit of reading, as mentioned on my live journal (found in chapter..7 i think and my profile), so my vocabulary is improving. Slowly. This chapter is slightly longer, not by much. I wanted to save some of the drama, so i apologize for the last chapter. It was a pretty big contrast to chapter 7... Okay! No more bs here ON WITH THE STORY!
Chapter 9: Life.
Two weeks. It's been two fucking weeks already. I'm getting drearier with each passing moment. I wish I could just cry, but I've been crying for the last two weeks. Any other options have eluded me in my hazy state of mind. Everything's just bottling up inside me now. All my emotions are so overpowering and overwhelming. What can I do? I feel like I've lost everything. The only time I've gotten sleep is when I cry myself beyond exhaustion.
I cannot sleep without seeing her in my dreams. It wouldn't be such a bad thing. Usually. All these dreams are nothing but nightmares. It's always the same thing: the moment I took off the silk black mask on the Phantom's face while she laid in my arms, paralyzed, cold, the fire in her eyes dimming with every breath she took. At the end of every dream it always ends the same. Her once warm body would always lie cold and lifeless in my arms. With her lips chapped and blue, her hair in a messy ponytail, and her chocolate eyes covered by heavy lids, I would slowly release her. I, then, could only watch as her body laid there on top of the Ferris wheel.
Why didn't I save her in my dreams? Perhaps it was because I was too much of a coward to do it. But I had wanted the Phantom dead in the beginning, right? She messed with me first, so she deserved to die.
I never cried in my dreams. The tears always come after.
I cannot eat without thinking what a disgusting individual I am for putting her though this. I can't eat without feeling nauseous or sometimes even regurgitating.
This isn't normal at all. My thoughts no longer make sense to me. Nothing makes sense. I haven't said a word to anyone besides Tsunade. I don't care about anything anymore besides the sleeping beauty before me. I can't help but wonder why she is the one laying there when I am clearly the one to blame. I've given up on wishing…hoping. It's no use. Optimism just makes things worse.
I just want her to wake up and bring me back, because I am no doubt lost in spite of myself.
My head is swimming and my sanity is slipping. Another two weeks and that's it. She's as good as gone. And myself, well, I'm as good as gone as well. There is no telling what I will do if I lose her.
I laid my head down on the crook of my arm, my hand clasped in hers. I unconsciously spread out her fingers gently. Two of my fingers traced down from her thumb and index finger to her wrist. I pressed down on the underside of her arm, looking for a pulse absently. It took me a while to find it, but I did. Though it was very faint, it was a sign that she was still fighting. Every time I found her pulse I was filled with a bit more hope. But…She was the one lying there and yet, I'm the one crying while she wrestles for her life. Ashamed? Yes.
I reached over and downed the cup of coffee sitting at her bedside table.
Turning back to her quickly, I leaned down and kissed the tip of her slightly curled fingers. My mouth hovered above her unmoving hand as I closed my eyes and sighed. What am I doing anyway? What was I expecting? She's not going to wake up anytime soon. But at least she's alive. That's more than enough reason for me to keep living, instead of sitting here and waiting for salvation. But I just can't.
But that's when it happened. I winced in surprise as I felt something scratch my lip ever so slightly. I looked down at her hand, studying it intensely, awaiting any other movement. Then I saw it. Her forefinger twitched again. My breath hitched in my throat.
I stood up abruptly, knocking over my chair, unable to contain my teeming excitement. A tear of joy escaped from the corner of my eye as my heart pounded against my ribcage wildly. I ran out as fast as I could to get Tsunade, nearly running over unexpected patients and nurses.
"She's awake! She's awake!" I screamed repeatedly down the hospital halls. Those who tried to stop me were shoved over roughly. Right now, I wouldn't give a shit if I shoved someone out the fifth floor window.
I broke into the staff lounge and found Tsunade lying across the sofa with her head on Shizune's lap. She lowered her magazine and looked at me expectantly. Shizune looked up from her newspaper and stared at me with an amused expression. I opened my mouth to say something but Tsunade cut me off.
"We know," she said nonchalantly, "I think everyone in the hospital knows what a retard you are." I glared at her and was about to protest, but thought better of it.
Instead, I ran over and pulled the blonde doctor off the couch.
"C'mon! We have to hurry!"
"Aw, give me a break Temari! I just got a chance to relax a bit!" She barked as I dragged her by the leg.
"And I really don't give a shit! You're not getting paid to cuddle with the nurse! You can do that whenever, preferably in your own free time," I retorted irritably. She pulled free of my grasp easily and stood up. Shizune blushed lightly, hiding her face behind the newspaper.
"This better be good," the doctor muttered as I dragged her out the door.
"Doesn't look like anything changed," the blonde doctor stated coolly. She looked over at the monitor again and shook her head. She checked her pulse again but stated it was still very faint.
"No! I'm telling you she moved," I said for the tenth time, emphasizing with my hands.
"And I'm not doubting you! I'm telling you it's a pretty normal reaction. It just shows that her nerves are working, which is a good thing. But this doesn't mean she's going to wake up. Sorry, Temari, but the situation is still pretty much the same."
…And that's when I cracked. I broke down completely as hysteria finally grabbed a hold of me.
"No!" I screamed, clutching Tsunade's shoulders and shaking her wildly. "Stop it! This isn't funny anymore!"
"No one said it is, Temari. Just accept the truth okay? You've still got hope," Tsunade replied calmly, brushing me off with her hand.
"No, no, no…!" I cried repeatedly, throwing myself onto the unconscious brunette. "Wake up already, Tenten! This really isn't funny anymore! Stop fucking around with me!"
The blonde doctor peeled me off with the help of Shizune. She held onto me tightly as I sobbed uncontrollably into her white coat.
"Pull yourself together, Temari!" She barked, "Unlike you, Tenten doesn't give up easily! So stop acting like a fucking five-year-old!"
My eyes widened, my heart pounding erratically. All sanity has completely drowned in my own crazy thoughts. My head swam and my thoughts were incoherent. I clutched my head in my hands as I collapsed onto the floor. Everything swirled around me as my head pounded to the wild rhythm of my heart.
"…mari! Get a hold of yourself, Temari! Shit! …Shizune! …Now!" I don't even try to comprehend. I feel the coldness of the hospital floor against my tear-streaked cheek. I didn't have the energy to pull myself up anymore, but that's fine. My tired body relaxed slightly despite the pounding headache. I gave in to my heavy eyelids. One last thought flashed through my mind: I'm sorry I'm not strong enough, Tenten…
And I know…how pathetic I was…through it…all.
Everything blacked out after that.
A bright light erupted from the darkness. What the hell? I'm dead now? I squinted as I made my way closer to the light. At least it's an escape. I don't even remember how long I've been wandering around in the dark. I can see the light getting brighter as I walked closer. A rough wall of white came into view. It looked familiar…like…my ceiling? I blinked my eyes open. The sound of a slamming door echoed through the room. Even the sound of soft footsteps padding across the carpet seemed deafening to me. It must've been paranoia. I couldn't help but be a bit scared. I squeezed my eyes shut out of reflex. Whoever came in sighed heavily, tapping their foot on the floor.
Slowly opening my eyes, a familiar face came into view. It's hard brown eyes immediately softened at the sight of me. It's mouth curved upwards in a slight relieved smile.
"You're finally awake…" His tired voice greeted me, "you're really troublesome you know that?" I just stared at him with a stupid grin on my face.
"Oi… c'mon say something. You've been out for fourteen hours, the least you can do is say a simple hi." The voice sighed again. My eyes widened slightly.
"Fourteen hours?" I croaked. I cringed at the sound of my own hoarse voice.
"You heard me."
"Why are you here then?" I sat up slowly, rubbing my eyes.
"Well someone had to bring you home. Tsunade went crazy when I told her I wasn't going to let you stay at the hospital. But you know, I doubt you can handle staying in there any longer." I blinked.
Suddenly, everything came flooding back to me. Kabuto, Tsunade, my passing out, and, most importantly, Tenten.
"Everything was a dream?" I tried hopefully. He stared at me blankly. "Where's Tenten?" I tried again, fearing his silence. He sighed inwardly before taking a deep breath.
"Well," he started, pulling a chair from behind him, "everything was, in face, reality. Tenten's still in a coma at the hospital." I stared hard at the ceiling, refusing to cry anymore.
"I knew it," I said with a sad smile.
"I think you did the right thing by driving me home," I told Shika with a smile. He smiled back, satisfied with my response. But then he fell into an uneasy silence. He furrowed his brows in thought, as if he was trying to pick the right words to say.
"Promise me," he said seriously, "you'll avoid going to the hospital now?"
"W-What?" My eyes widened in shock, "no way, Shikamaru."
"I'm sorry, Temari, I just think this is better for you. Look, you can call Tsunade if you wanna know how she's doing. But promise me you won't go there anymore."
"And what makes you think this would be better?" I replied hotly.
He sighed exasperatedly and took a deep breath. "Look, I don't want you killing yourself. People are worried about you, you know. I just want you to get your life back on track and stop losing yourself over that girl. It's not your fault she's in there. If you go back, you'll just end up like you did hours ago. I'm sure when she wakes up, she'd want to see the Temari that she fell in love with." My breath caught in my throat at his last statement. I fought the tears threatening to devour me again.
"She - she doesn't love me…" I said quietly.
"Temari! Look at me, Temari," Shika said, grabbing my shoulders forcefully. I looked him in the eye, more tears threatening to fall.
"You're stronger than this, and you know it! I know it, and even she knows it. So quit angsting like a fucking kid, and take it like the mature adult you are! Obviously she wouldn't love you if she saw you like this right now! Hell, even I can't stand you. You act like you want to be seen like this when she wakes up. Is that right? You want to be seen like this when she wakes up? Like the messed up wreck you are right now? Like the useless son of a bitch who can't even get up to tie her own shoes? Like the pathetic loser who spends their whole life being emo about their bullshit lives? Like—" I shook under his grasp as I reached up…
And slapped him hard across the face.
"Are you fucking done? What the fuck got into you, you bastard!" I glared at him, kicking him away from me. He held onto the wall for balance as he stared at me with a surprised expression as he held his burning cheek. A heavy silence fell among us. A couple moments later, he suddenly started laughing hysterically.
"I didn't think so," he said as his laughter started to die down. I couldn't help but smile at him. No doubt, he knew me better than anyone. He knew me better than myself, and knew the best ways to kick me back onto my feet. I just can't help but love him for that. I really don't know what to do without the lazy genius.
I stared down at the thin layer of foam on my drink. I moved it around idly. Getting drunk was certainly not something I like to do, especially in my own bar. The Façade was busy as usual. Lee and Gaara had both come down to help me with the bar since I was away for the past three weeks. While I was gone, they had added a new stage to the side of the room. I don't care what they're doing to my bar as long as it's still up and running.
For some reason, Sakura was up there right now on the piano. She's actually got quite a voice. I wouldn't be surprised if she actually becomes famous in the near future. Something tells me that Ino wouldn't be too far behind in her photography career either. Well, at least their future looks bright for them.
As for me, I really don't know. True to my promise, I haven't seen Tenten in a week. Shikamaru was right, as always. I really needed to get my life back on track. But as much as I did, it was no easy task.
A couple nights ago, I tried around the dark streets again. But the enthusiasm wasn't there anymore. In truth, I felt emptier than the starless night sky that night. The freedom of jumping around the city, doing whatever I wish, no longer intrigued me. I knew she wouldn't be around. Without the Phantom, I've lost all motivation to run around the streets. I was almost caught that time because I had lost my footing.
I had realized then that I was still very much exhausted.
My bloodshot eyes were the perfect evidence.
It was almost as if I wasn't used to sleeping. Every time I slip under my own covers, a cold and empty feeling envelops me. While I just lie there, sprawled out across the sheets, I think of her. After spending a whole month being able to hold the loveliest, softest, and the most capable creature of killing me in my sleep, I never want to return to my bedroom alone.
But I have to get over it. I have to learn to move on. It's not up to anybody to decide whether she wakes up or not. It would certainly be a lot easier if it were. Instead, I'm trapped in a constant suspense that's driving me crazy.
I've been calling Tsunade every day to check on Tenten's condition. Her answer is always the same.
"She's still fighting." Then she would hang up immediately. Even though she's sounding more exasperated with me every time I call, I know she's right. I don't think I can make it through the day without hearing these three words. It's because of that, that I'm trying my hardest to live as well.
"Hey beautiful," came a deep male voice beside me. I didn't bother to look at him as he set down his drink and took a seat beside me.
"What's a babe like you doing drinking all alone in a place like this? It ain't safe out here y'know," he continued with a hint of laughter in his voice.
I leaned over and nudged him in the ribs. He just laughed and reached over to ruffle my hair.
"You of all people should know I'm more than capable of fighting back. And seriously Kankurou, please don't do that again. I really don't need my own brother hitting on me right now. That's just weird. I don't think your girlfriend nor Gaara would like that." He pouted, feigning hurt. I couldn't help but laugh at him anyway. He joined in on the laughter as we continued poking fun at each other. It felt good to fool around like this.
"So, I heard about…that girl," he said seriously after the laughter died down completely. I stared down at my untouched beer, trying to avoid his eyes as much as possible.
"Why hadn't you told me about her, Temari?"
"It wasn't important," I said simply with a shrug, my gaze not leaving the yellowish liquid.
"Well it was obviously important for you to nearly kill yourself."
I turned to look at him now. "Who told you?"
"The hospital called us after you passed out. Gaara already knew about you two, even though he said you were in denial at the time." The two of us just looked at each other quietly. I hadn't noticed the dull look in Kankurou's usually bright green eyes.
"I'm sorry I worried you," I said, barely above a whisper. He looked at me in surprise. But he almost immediately smiled. A slow genuine smile, one that all three of us were known for, but very few have actually seen.
"She must be one special girl huh? Looks like someone finally tamed you," he chuckled, "I can't believe you just apologized. She must mean a lot to you."
"More than I cared to notice, unfortunately," I replied sadly.
"Hey, let's make a toast okay?" He offered spontaneously. I blinked confusedly. But was unable to suppress the smile forming on my face.
"To what?"
He thought about it for a while, but raised his glass and replied, "Here's to life, to love, to all the crazy bullshit in between."
"To life, to love, to all the crazy bullshit in between," I echoed, raising my own glass.
The two of us laughed as we gently tapped our glasses together.
A couple of days later, I'm sitting at home reading a magazine. Ino came over, dragging Sakura and Hinata along, to clean up my house. Either she's really bored, or she really hasn't got anything better to do, which virtually means the same thing anyway. Sakura and Hinata don't seem to mind either.
After lecturing endlessly about my physical state, Ino had ordered Hinata to go prepare food while she and Sakura cleaned up everything.
But to be completely honest, I'm very grateful that they came to help out. My house is pretty much a complete mess right now. Out of frustration, I sometimes knocked over things. Most of my books were littered everywhere. There's even some inside the short hallway to my room. And that's all the way across the apartment. See? I even threw things. I was supposed to be putting the magazines back into the little magazine shelf by the couches, but I got distracted.
It felt nice simply relaxing in my apartment, laughing at each other. It was a kind of freedom I had never noticed before.
"Leave me alone, Saku! I'm trying to dust dammit!" Ino laughed as she skipped over Sakura's mop.
"Well, you're in the way," the DJ replied simply.
"I am not! You're just picking on me. I ain't moving so bite me!" A slow seductive grin spread across Sakura's face.
"Is that an invitation?" she asked, moving closer to the giggling blonde.
"No. Go away you whore," Ino said waving the duster at the pink-haired girl playfully. Sakura coughed and held back for a moment, but lunged at the slightly smaller blonde before the dust could even clear.
"Your whore," she corrected, straddling the other girl's hips.
"Then as your master, I command you to get the hell off me. Now," the blonde said firmly despite the large grin on her face.
"Are you sure now, master?" Sakura teased, her hands traveling up under Ino's shirt.
"Stop it, Sakura." she gave a soft moan in spite of herself. She propped herself up on her elbows and pulled the green-eyed girl closer.
"We can continue this when we don't have an audience okay?" She said in a stage whisper, looking at me out of the corner of her eyes.
"But it's so much hotter this way," Sakura mumbled, pulling the photographer into a heated kiss.
"Cheesecake," the cook said in a singsong voice as she stepped out of the kitchen with a silver tray. The navy-haired girl stopped in her tracks and gave an audible squeak. She took a deep breath and chose to ignore it as she made her way over to coffee table.
"I thought you'd be used to it by now," I said with a smile as I reached for one of the pastries on the tray. They were very small, but very skillfully crafted as well. It looked so delicate, I wasn't sure I wanted to eat it. Though the materials in my kitchen were limited, she was able to pull it off very nicely.
"Try it," she said, her voice filled with nervousness and hopefulness. I reluctantly took bit out of the dessert. Needless to say it was wonderful. It was a Japanese-style cheesecake, and the taste practically melted in my mouth. It was not only amazing, it was one of the best I've ever tasted, despite it being made from the kitchen scrap I possessed.
I opened my mouth to comment on her masterpiece, but before I could, a certain blonde popped out of nowhere and exclaimed, "This is amazing, Hinata! Oh my god, this is like…orgasmic heavenliness." Silence fell among us as everyone turned to look at the hyper photographer. She shrugged and continued nibbling happily on her cake.
I shook my head; you just can't help but love the girl.
"So this is your real passion, huh?" Hinata stared at the ground, poking her fingers together nervously.
"You know," I said casually, picking up another cake, "this is way better than any of your dishes. And those dishes usually have the best ingredients too, unlike the junk you had to use from mine. You're obviously more passionate about this too. I can tell you spent a lot of time on the designs. But I'm curious, have you ever shown your father?"
"N-No, I'm a-almost completely s-s-sure he'd d-disapprove."
"Why? I mean, it's virtually the same thing."
"The B-Byakugan, as y-you know, is his f-f-finest r-restaurant, followed b-by other c-chains and f-franchises. H-Have you ever b-been in one, T-Temari?"
"Uh, a couple times. Why?" The Byakugan is the Hyuugas' most famous restaurant. It's an Asian cuisine known throughout the world. They have a franchise in virtually every big city. The Byakugan was the Hyuugas' first restaurant. It started out many decades ago, with only Japanese cuisine, but eventually ended up with mixed Asian styles. They eventually had to sort out all the recipes and open up chain stores to fit them all in.
"H-Have you n-noticed s-something about the d-dessert menu?"
"There's a desert menu?" I asked in surprise.
"E-Exactly. My father hates Western foods. He's a v-very traditional A-Asian m-man. N-None of my relatives dared to d-defy the Hyuuga's tradition of p-perfecting and s-serving only Asian styled cuisine. B-But I think th-there's m-more, n-no one b-brings up this topic in the Hyuuga h-house. Ever."
I thought about that, and one thought came to mind.
"No offence, but that's one big load of bullshit," Ino said, screwing up her face as she voiced my thoughts. I rolled my eyes at her choice of words, but wholly agreed.
"C'mon Hinata, it's the twenty-first century. What can he possibly do?" Hinata looked at me frighteningly before averting her eyes back to the ground.
"No matter what happens," Sakura joined in, "we'll always be behind you."
I nodded in agreement. "You know you'll have to tell him eventually. If you don't, then you'll regret it for the rest of your life."
Regret. The word itself disgusted me beyond anything. It was nothing but a heavy weight. But it was something I must live with now, because even though it's heavy, I was the one who shouldered it in the first place.
Later that evening, we sat around in front of the television. We were watching a movie we had found in my stash while we were cleaning up. Hinata sat beside me on the floor, a bowl of popcorn in her lap. I laid back comfortably on a beanbag chair I had neglected for a while now. Sakura sat up on the sofa above us, with Ino on her lap. Those two were constantly giggling and mumbling to each other, with lots of little kisses in between.
Have I ever mentioned how much I envy those two? I hadn't given it much thought when the first got together. Ever since Tenten came into my life, I had begun to notice them more. The way they interact, the gentle caresses, the soft-spoken words, the loving kisses, and above all, the unconditional love that the two radiated for each other so brilliantly. For a bystander like me, everything seemed perfect. The two of them have been unfaltering for the last few months. I hope it stays this way.
But I really am jealous. For the first time in my life, I'm jealous. Why can't I share the same love they have with Tenten? Why can't I be capable of even more? Deep down, I think that maybe I am capable. But the one person I want to give myself up to isn't here. No, she's a couple miles away in a lone hospital room near the end of a dark hallway. But that's fine. As long as she's recovering steadily, it's fine.
I reach over and grab a small handful of popcorn from Hinata's bowl. She looks at me, and I hold her eyes for a second. Her pale lavender-tinted eyes were blank, as always. But I saw a hint of worry in them. I smiled at her reassuringly, but she returned it uneasily before both of us turned back to the vibrant screen, drowning in our own thoughts.
I miss this, I decided. I leaned back into the beanbag chair and allowed the moment to sink in. I don't ever wanna forget, or lose anyone else. So for the first time in weeks, I'll just enjoy this.
Everything would be so perfect…if I had her in my arms right now.
On a Thursday morning, my life had taken another turn.
My phone rang unexpectedly in the morning. I grumbled, and sank back into my sheets, planning to let the damned machine answer itself. The ringing echoed painfully in my ears. With an exasperated sigh and a colourful string of curses, I rolled out of bed.
"Temari," I spat coldly into the receiver.
"Get your ass down here now! Something's happened," the voice at the other end replied sourly. It was Tsunade. Her voice was excited. Or was it panic? I couldn't tell. The possibilities that came from either frightened me. But I hoped with all my heart it wasn't the latter.
Then I realized she had already hung up.
My heart thrashed against my rib cage, so hard I could feel the blood pulsing against my ears. I stood there with the receiver still at my ear, temporarily paralysed by the sudden news. My head spun wildly as I tried to pull myself together.
Once everything dawned on me, I ran into my room as quickly as I could and pulled on a grey sweatshirt.
Locking the door, I quickly jumped from the top of the stairs to the bottom, and sprinted out the door. I flew down to the hospital a second time; the speed was on par to the last time I sped down.
I swerved down the traffic, taking detours to avoid cops. Traumatizing more than enough pedestrians and frightened pets. The cops had failed to show up this time. Even if they did appear, I had no intention of stopping.
I pounded the horn impatiently. The guy in front of me yelled at me from the passenger seat. I yelled back before expertly moving out of the traffic line. I scratched the car behind me, but dismissed it quickly with a curse. I stepped hard on the pedal and made an illegal turn into the other lane, joining the rest of the cars zooming by. The driver of the other car swore loudly at me. I fingered him as I rushed passed on the other side.
My heartbeat quickened and butterflies started to gather in my stomach as I neared the hospital building.
I jumped up the hospital steps, bursting through the door in my sweatshirt and boxers. The people inside looked at me, some gaping at my choice of fashion. The woman at the front desk, whom I recognized from last time, stared at me with a shocked expression, no doubt surprised at my second dramatic appearance. I smiled at her charmingly, stepping in to allow the doors behind me to close. I was satisfied with the small blush on the small woman's cheeks.
I was nervous and scared at the same time, but I didn't let it show. I didn't know what was going on. She could be officially dead now for all I know, but I had learned to trust her to fight her own battles. Tsunade greeted me in the foyer moments later. I took a deep breath, but look into her eyes unfalteringly. The tall woman's face was neutral; I didn't bother to take the time to decipher it either. She beckoned for me to follow with a nod.
This is it.
It's been a month. How I spend the rest of my months depend on this. Nothing, absolutely nothing, can stop me now.
Tenten. Tell me you're okay.
A/N: Somewhat filler-y, sorry. But here it is! I've been thinking of starting another AU story (story not oneshot). So I just might start it before I go on with chapter 10. So if you're bored, check my LJ :D You can even leave a comment, that would make me happy XD
