WARNING: To reiterate, most of this story will center on the subject of child abuse and Tony's past.
For those of you waiting for a whole chapter's worth of Gibbs and DiNozzo, this is it. There is a definite TISSUE WARNING in effect for this chapter.
You can blame this one on Kylen. I most definitely had no plans to ever write this, and especially not in this story, so it's all thanks to her that it came out and fit into the story line.
Chapter 9 – Breaking Through
ABBY: Gibbs is always nice.
TONY: To you and Ducky, maybe. Me, he growls at and smacks on the head.
ABBY: Which makes you feel wanted.
TONY: Yeah.
~ 3x01 – Kill Ari (1)
DiNozzo wiped the back of his hand across his mouth in a way that almost exactly mirrored the day his mother died. The memory was still so fresh that he almost expected to feel the trail of blood again. He didn't even have to try to picture how pale she had been, how much blood there had been everywhere. That memory was playing in full Technicolor glory on loop in his head. He couldn't break free of the images. Tony could still remember when he'd had to return the book to the library – stained with his mother's blood and bile. His father's idea, and yet more punishment for being weak. Everyone at the school had known by then, and the librarians were sympathetic; but he could see the disgust in their eyes. They knew it was his fault. They knew that he should have been stronger. The ten-year old didn't need to be reminded of that.
He had tried; God, had he ever tried. Tony had been determined that his mother wasn't going to die. Not like Marie had. Not like Vinnie had. Not because of him. So he'd prayed and he'd helped and he'd called for his father. None of it did any good. Even with everything he had tried to do, none of it had mattered. Why didn't he call for his father earlier? Why did he need to do it by himself? Could he have stopped it? Would any of it have made a difference in the end? Would one of his father's lessons really have been that steep a price to pay if he could have saved his mother?
He should have yelled for the man the second his mother had walked into the room – he knew something was wrong. But he'd been so weak and selfish that he'd put his own fear of being punished over his mother's life. And because of his self-centeredness, she'd died and his father had lost everything in his life that he loved. There wasn't a high enough number of stripes on his back that could pay for what Tony had cost his father that day.
Tony hadn't been aware of the fact that he was now pacing the length of the basement frantically. He didn't know when he had jumped off the work bench and startled his boss. He couldn't feel Gibbs staring him down as he muttered to himself. Couldn't see anything other than the bright-red blood on his hands. Couldn't hear his breathing catching in his chest as he tried to break free of the memory.
He also couldn't see the damage Gibbs was doing to the plank of wood he'd been sanding since the younger man had practically leapt to his feet. If he had been aware of what was going on around him, the younger man would have been instantly on alert. He had watched the older man work in this basement long enough to know that under normal circumstances, even when distracted, Gibbs would never sand against the grain – especially not in the same spot for that long. But the former Gunny wasn't paying any attention to the strut he was working on. He didn't care in the slightest that he was going to have to replace the plank of wood in its entirety because of the weakness he was creating.
Gibbs was watching Tony with rapt attention. His agent was more out of control – and out of touch – than he had ever been in the two plus years they'd worked together. There was a wild look in his eyes that betrayed feelings of guilt and sheer panic. Gibbs wanted, more than anything at that moment, to wipe the look off Tony's face. He was done with letting Tony lead this dance. It was getting to be too much for the younger man, and Gibbs needed to stop this before sheer exhaustion claimed him – hell, claimed them both. But every time the Marine had tried to move closer to where DiNozzo was pacing, Tony had jumped like he'd been burned – or whipped – Gibbs thought darkly. Despite the fact that Tony clearly needed to work through this, it was going past the point of helping now. He had to get through to the young man somehow. The kid needed a break.
"Tony." The single word was clipped and the underlying tension signified the order to cease and desist.
It was ignored.
Or rather, Gibbs was pretty sure, it hadn't even registered in DiNozzo's brain that anyone outside of 1982 had spoken. He tried again.
"DiNozzo." That tone brokered no argument and was to be followed no matter what the circumstances. It was the tone that he used in the field only when the team was under fire. He taught all his team members that to ignore an order of that magnitude was not only tantamount to suicide; it was a quick trip to a reassignment to the research department. He knew that DiNozzo wouldn't risk ignoring an order when it was given in that tone.
Tony didn't even break his stride. Didn't even blink at the tone. It was like he wasn't even there.
Now Gibbs was starting to get worried. And if there was one thing that even he knew he didn't do well, it was worry.
Fear was another item on that list of things to resolutely ignore until they went away. And that emotion was starting to creep up on him as well. It was taking hold of his gut and refusing to let go. How the hell was he going to fix this if DiNozzo couldn't – or wouldn't – hear him? Gibbs took extreme pride in the fact that he trained his 'probies' well. It didn't matter who it was or what the situation had been, he'd never had an agent ignore his orders when he was that insistent.
It was when he finally could make out what Tony was saying that the last of the trifecta made itself known. Concern on top of worry on top of fear. Those three were to be avoided at all cost and covered with anger.
Because if there was one emotion Leroy Jethro Gibbs excelled at, it was anger.
"All my fault. They were all my fault. Father wouldn't have had to split his time between me and Vincent, and Vinnie wouldn't have gone to the Navy. Marie wouldn't have had to save me. Mother…all my fault. All of them. I could have saved Mother. Should have saved her. Should have called Father. All my fault."
The words were mumbled and almost incoherent, but Gibbs had spent the last two years deciphering DiNozzo-speak. Drunk-Tony and hurt-Tony and sick-Tony all had their own version of slurred and rushed together words that had at one point driven Gibbs' patience up the wall. Now, however, the slightly hitched words and the way he was stumbling over letters and syllables was old hat. It was the tone that finally made Gibbs move. He'd just have to find some way to get into Tony's head.
Gibbs gave up trying to give Tony his space. It was all well and good up to a point, but the older man's calm indifference could only last to a point. He ignored the way Tony jumped like a kicked puppy at the drop of the sander and the way that the young man froze dead in his tracks as his boss crossed the room. The father in Gibbs blanched at the way Tony's eyes clenched shut as he prepared for a blow. And if that wasn't enough to make Gibbs see red, the whimper that graced DiNozzo's lips sure as hell was. He almost backed down, but enough was enough and anger wasn't nearly enough to keep the concern from overriding his senses.
Before either man knew exactly what was happening, Gibbs had him by the lapels of his already wrinkled and unbuttoned dress shirt and had backed Tony into the wall behind him. Tools clattered to the floor as every emotion that had coursed through the older man's veins finally bubbled over.
"DiNOZZO!"
Whether it was the tone of voice or the impact with the concrete behind him, Gibbs would never know. He did have his suspicions that the brief sensation of pain may have been enough to finally ground Tony, and damned if he didn't feel guilty about that.
"Y…yeah, Boss?" Tony sounded so lost and almost petrified that it was enough to drop Gibbs' tone down several notches.
But not to get rid of the determined tinge to his words. "Jesus Christ, DiNozzo. You damn near gave me a heart attack. You want to tell me what the Hell was going on?"
"Boss...I…" The look on Tony's face as he grasped at straws told Gibbs the young man had no idea of what he'd just been through. That Tony wasn't aware of anything that had happened since he'd lapsed into the last memory.
"Or how about why the Hell you think you're to blame for any of their deaths?" He'd had enough of sitting back and letting Tony work this out for himself. It was becoming painfully clear that DiNozzo planned to hold on to each and every little thing in his life that he thought he deserved blame for.
If the way Tony's face blanched rapidly or the significant increase in trembling was any indication, the guilt he'd felt as a child was no less over two decades later. He just shook his head and tried to push Gibbs away from him.
Gibbs wouldn't have it. Instead, he tightened his grip on the expensive fabric and shook Tony hard enough to make his teeth snap together.
Tony stopped immediately and stood stock still. His eyes darted to the corners of the basement – anywhere but into his mentor's eyes. He couldn't let Gibbs see the weakness there. Couldn't take the look on his boss's face if it morphed into the disappointment he'd grown up with in his father's eyes. He'd meant to prove to Gibbs that hiring him out of Baltimore had been worth it. Tony was starting to like working at NCIS. He'd never thought this evening would lead to this.
"Well, DiNozzo? You got an answer for me?" The gruff tone cut through any defenses Tony tried to put up and was enough to force him to answer truthfully.
"Because it is. They are." Tony barely got the words out in a whisper. There was a note of defeat in his voice that made Gibbs see red and picture all the ways he could maim and mutilate a man. It would still be too good a fate for Tony's father.
"Anthony," he forced himself to try and lower his voice and convey gentle support. The way he had once upon a time with Kelly. "Nothing that happened was your fault. None of it."
"But it was." It was Tony's turn to be angry now. "Every last one of them died because of me. Because I was too little or too weak. Because I was alive. They all died because I wasn't strong enough to stop them. They all left me."
His voice was shaking now to match the trembling strain in his muscles. Gibbs knew it wouldn't be long before he broke down entirely, but the Marine had never managed to pull this much from Tony at one time. He'd be damned if he was going to quit now. Now that they were finally getting to the heart of the matter. He'd just have to pick up the pieces later.
"Vinnie was always watching out for me. He…"
"Tony, your brother died in a training accident. In the Navy. In another state. How on earth could your father make you believe that it was your fault? How can you still believe it?" Incredulity bled through and Gibbs had to bite his tongue to stop himself from beating some sense into the man in his grasp.
Tony balked. "He wouldn't have gone if…I should have…Father wanted me to…they never wanted me."
"That doesn't make it your fault. Vinnie made his own decisions. He would have gone anyway, even if you weren't around, Tony. He saw what your father was like, and…" Gibbs was cut off so abruptly that he was still speaking halfway through Tony's sentence.
"My father never had to punish Vinnie like he did to me. Vincent was so much better of a son than I was. My father never would have had to be so cold if I wasn't around." Tony sniffled and clenched his teeth. Yet another thing to blame himself for.
"He tell you that? Your father blamed you for his bad decisions?" It was enough to turn Gibbs' stomach just thinking about how a man could teach his son to hold onto guilt like this. It was another thing entirely to think that the same man could lay his own poor choices and flawed character on the shoulders of a child. The man was sick, yes. He'd fallen victim to alcoholism, and grief on top of that was enough to break a man. But that was no excuse for what he'd done to his only remaining son.
Tony just nodded before turning his head away. He wanted nothing more at that moment than to be able to close the floodgates. The last thing he'd ever wanted was to let Gibbs – let anyone – this far in. You didn't tell people these kinds of things. You didn't air your dirty laundry out where everyone could see. It would only make it that much more difficult to face him in the morning, that much more difficult when the time came to move on. He was far too sober to be able to ignore what he was doing.
But it was too late. He knew Gibbs was like a dog with a bone, and truth be told, Tony knew he needed to tell someone. It just made it easier that he wasn't actually able to stop himself from speaking.
"It was my fault. All my fault. He never would have had to punish me if I could just learn my lessons. I'm weak, Boss. Never have been able to toughen up." Grim acceptance tinged his words and Tony closed his eyes as if to brace himself against Gibbs' agreement.
Gibbs scoffed at that. There were several attributes he'd tag onto Tony. Tenacious, guarded, sometimes annoying, always loyal. Strong. Determined. Even in the young man's worst moments, Gibbs had never thought of attributing 'weak' to his senior agent. DiNozzo simply didn't know how to be weak. That was a talent left solely up to his father.
But he knew Tony would never believe him. Gibbs rarely gave out compliments and DiNozzo had never learned how to receive them.
Didn't mean they couldn't both try.
Because Gibbs would be damned if he was going to let him clam up before they'd resolved some things. Too many nights they'd sat here and tried to work things out. Too many nights Gibbs had listened to bits and pieces of how Tony had grown up – thinking everything that happened to him was normal. That all fathers treated their kids this way. The older man had tried to get through to Tony. Too many nights he'd thought he'd succeeded, only for DiNozzo to fall right back into the same old pitfalls and cycle of doubt. Two years wasn't nearly enough time to undo a lifetime of hurt.
The older man had always been of the opinion that reassurances and sympathy sounded empty when spoken out loud. No matter how sincere the person was trying to be, it always either fell on deaf ears or sounded so false that it made the listener feel worse. Platitudes didn't mean anything and telling someone that things were going to be okay didn't solve anything, either. Even if someone had been through the exact same experience, they still couldn't know everything that you were feeling. Not at the time, and certainly not after the fact. To pretend that you could know how someone had felt just cheapened the experience. It just made everything that was said seem so fake. Gibbs had had too much of that after Shannon and Kelly and he'd vowed never to do the same to anyone else.
He'd always contented himself on being sure that his team members knew where they stood with him through his actions. Even DiNozzo, with their unorthodox relationship and his uncanny ability to take things far too much to heart, had always seemed to understand what Gibbs didn't say. Maybe he had to rethink that. Maybe there was a way to get through to Tony without trying to tell the younger man that he understood. Because he couldn't. Not really. And truth be told, he didn't want to try. If it hurt this much just imagining what Tony went through, Gibbs couldn't picture putting a face to that much hate. His father had never laid a hand on him growing up and in turn he'd never even dreamed about punishing Kelly like that. So he couldn't – and wouldn't – ever tell Tony that he got it.
But he could tell the younger man what he'd learned over the past two years.
"Tony, listen to me. I don't care what your father told you. I don't care what you forced yourself to believe so that you could survive living with him. You are nothing like what your father wants you to think you are. I wouldn't have you on my team if you were. Hell, you wouldn't have made it past prep school if you were." He was careful not to actually say the word 'weak'. Knowing DiNozzo, it would be the only word he'd hear.
Gibbs was right; Tony couldn't take the compliment.
In the past few minutes, Gibbs had relaxed his grip somewhat as it was clear DiNozzo wasn't going anywhere. It was a mistake. Before he knew what was happening, Tony had shoved him off and was making a beeline for the stairs. The young man simply couldn't handle any more of this.
When Tony bolted, Gibbs didn't have time to think and reacted with years of military training to catch DiNozzo's arm and spin him around.
He supposed he should have seen the punch coming.
As it was, Gibbs had just enough time to turn his head and deflect most of the blow away from his nose. Tony's knuckles grazed his cheek and skittered off, leaving hot pain in their wake and the Marine reacted on instinct. His hand locked Tony's wrist into an arm-bar and he swept DiNozzo's feet out from under him before Gibbs could even contemplate what harm this might do.
DiNozzo never had a chance and was flat on his back before he'd really registered that he'd taken a swing at his boss. The quick change from vertical and pissed to horizontal and frightened brought back too many memories and had him cringing in anticipation of the unknown.
Gibbs swore.
He'd come too far to lose Tony now.
Mindful of the reaction that younger man might have to his equilibrium being thrown off again, Gibbs hauled Tony to his feet and waited him out. There was no way he could let go of DiNozzo without the man toppling over, but Gibbs wasn't about to manhandle him over to the boat to sit either.
It only took a minute for Tony to regain enough of his balance to stand on his own two feet. Gibbs still didn't let go. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
"It's my fault, Boss." Gibbs resisted the urge to smack his own head against a wall as the whisper-quiet words reached his ears.
He sighed, closed his eyes, and hung his head. "Tony. It's not…"
What the Hell could he say to get through to him? Tony had always trusted him before, no matter what. It was part of the reason he had promoted Tony to senior agent when even Morrow had voiced doubts about elevating him. DiNozzo had never failed to fall in line and take his word on anything.
Gibbs wanted to smack his own head and curse as he wondered why he hadn't thought of it sooner.
With new hope, he tried a different tactic. "If we were in a gunfight and I gave you an order, would you trust me no matter what it was?"
The answer wasn't unexpected.
"Yes, Boss." Tony responded as if by rote.
"If I told you that a man was guilty of a crime and that I had proof beyond a doubt, would you trust me, even if you didn't know what the evidence was?"
These were easy questions for Tony to answer. "You know I would, Boss."
Gibbs took heart as he heard the strength returning to Tony's voice.
"If I needed you to go undercover in a dangerous situation without your weapon and with little intel, would you trust that I would get you back out?"
"Any day of the week."
"No reservations?" Gibbs pressed.
"No, sir." He wasn't surprised. He'd earned Tony's trust despite having to fight against years of experience that no one was worth trusting.
He made his voice sound as matter of fact as he could, put all his eggs in one basket, and prayed to a God he had scorned for many years that this would work.
"So when I tell you that I have proof that your father was responsible for your brother's, your nanny's, and your mother's deaths…beyond any doubt. Will you trust me?"
He held his breath when Tony didn't answer. If Tony doubted him now, or refused to see past his own fears, the older man simply didn't know what else to try. And he didn't like the idea of giving up. Not on Tony. Not now, and not ever.
Gibbs knew the moment that it all hit home. He didn't notice that Tony never spoke aloud to confirm that he trusted Gibbs. It was written on Tony's face as plain as day. It was in the shudder that claimed Tony as he gave up the fight to hold on to his guilt. It was in the way his knees buckled and they both crashed towards the ground, instinctively trusting that Gibbs wouldn't let him be hurt. It was in the tears that coursed down Tony's face as he began to sob. It was in the way he grasped at Gibbs and buried his face in the older man's neck like the Marine was the only lifeline in a storm-tossed sea. Tony trusted that Gibbs wouldn't let him drown.
And at the moment, Gibbs realized that that was exactly what he was – a last-ditch hope for survival in the violent storm. Every wall Tony had ever built up to protect himself from years of hurt and disappointment had crumbled with Gibbs' convictions and there was simply nothing left of himself at the moment to rely on – and Tony had only had himself to trust since the day Vinnie died. He had nothing to hold onto right now except for the man he was currently putting all of his trust in. Tony couldn't believe anything about himself at the moment, but he could believe in Gibbs. It was all he had.
"I miss them, Gibbs. I want them back. Why did he have to take them away from me?" Tony's voice cracked as he struggled to keep his emotions from taking him completely over. He never had a chance.
All Gibbs could do was wrap one arm around the young man's heaving shoulders and lay his other hand on the sweat-soaked hair as Tony finally let it all come crashing down. Gibbs simply needed to hold the young man close as violent sobs wracked his frame and threatened to overwhelm him. All he could do was let Tony clutch at Gibbs' back and simply focus on pouring all of his remaining strength into falling apart at the seams. Gibbs held himself strong as he could almost see DiNozzo falling to pieces as everything hit home. Tony was finally breaking and Gibbs was his rock as the guilt that had held onto DiNozzo for far too many years finally set him free.
~~**~~
