"Pest-Ed-Cide"
A/N: Last chapter for a while, I'm afraid. School has gotten a bit busier, and I'm trying to get another chapter of my Nuzlocke fic finished. But don't worry! I'll start updating this one again once things have slowed down!
The Eds were on board Mei-Lin's wrecked ship, the Blue Comet.
"Whoa, check this out," Ed said, holding a strange piece of hardware from the future.
"Toss that in that junk pile, Ed," Mei-Lin said, rooting through a pile of burned, broken parts. "It's not any good." Instead of doing what he was told, Ed shoved the piece in his pocket while Mei-Lin wasn't looking.
"So, what exactly are you doing?" Eddy asked.
"Finishing up the damage report. So far, TOMAS has calculated that it will take me nine-hundred trillion dollars to make the necessary repairs and possibly another 87 years to reinvent the technology needed."
"Hey, who are these guys?" Ed asked, shoving a picture frame in Mei-Lin's face.
"Those are my old crew members," Mei-Lin answered, taking the picture. The photo had Mei-Lin at the front beside Carrie, with a short boy with glasses beside her, a taller, stern-looking young man behind Mei-Lin, and to the right of him a large being made seemingly out of crystal. "Of course you know Carrie and myself, here in front," Mei-Lin pointed out. "This is Masaki, some random Jap I picked up before I left Earth. He was big into his historical culture and used 'magic' swords, or some hoo-hah. And the short kid is my little brother, Dex. He's smart, but lazy and perverted. The big guy in back is Rentin. He doesn't like to talk or move much, so we don't know a whole lot about him.
"Fascinating," Double D remarked, overhearing the conversation.
"I don't mean to change the subject," Mei-Lin said, placing the picture on a table, "but shouldn't you guys be getting ready for that thing you're participating in this weekend?"
"Eh, we don't need to prepare!" Eddy struck a pose. "It's already in the bag."
"But Eddy, we still need to wax the van," Double D said.
"We'll do that tomorrow. Today, we're gonna hit the Peach Creek Arcade!"
"Cool!" Ed and Double D said in unison.
"Any of you got any cash?" Eddy asked, turning his pockets inside out.
"Nope, not today," Ed replied.
"Sorry Eddy," Double D also answered, turning his pockets inside out as well.
"Don't look at me! I've got to save as much money as I can for repairs," Mei-Lin added.
"Boys, it's time we bring back the scam!" Eddy said slyly. "For old time's sake!"
"But Eddy, we've done every trick in the book!"
"Damn," Eddy grumbled. He sat down in one of Mei-Lin's chairs and tried to think of something.
"Carrie's pretty creative," Mei-Lin threw out. "Maybe you could get some ideas from her."
"You boys got anything?" Eddy asked Ed and Double D. They both shook their heads. "Well, I guess we get Carrie… Where is the big-boobed wonder anyways?"
"Beats the hell outta me," Mei-Lin replied. "All I know is she isn't in the junkyard anywhere. I was just out there doing some work."
"We could check the cul-de-sac," Double D suggested. "Sarah was planning a picnic, and you know how Carrie gets around food…"
"Sounds like a plan to me!" Eddy lead his friends out the door, leaving Mei-Lin to continue her work.
Back at the cul-de-sac, in Ed's back yard, Sarah and Jimmy had found themselves stuck up a tree, holding what was left of their picnic. Below, the rest of it was completely ruined. The basket had been bitten in two, the blanket had a bite taken out of one of the corners, and standing right under the tree, Carrie was head-first in their bowl of coleslaw.
"My coleslaw!" Jimmy wailed.
"Get lost, ya bimbo!" Sarah screamed as she pelted the Sepian with acorns.
"Hey are you gonna eat those?" Carrie asked, pointing at the croissants Jimmy was guarding.
"She's after my croissants! If she gets her grubby hands on them, our picnic date will be ruined!"
"Ah, there's Carrie!" Double D shouted, peering over the fence. He carefully climbed over while Ed and Eddy burst through the fence, leaving a big hole.
"Ed, tell your stupid friend to get away from our picnic!" Sarah screamed.
"Okay, Sarah!" Ed walked up to Carrie. "Carrie, you have to cough up Sarah's picnic or she'll get real mad!"
Carrie stared at Ed for a moment, chewing on the side of Jimmy's coleslaw bowl. "Nope!"
"Somebody do something!" Jimmy screamed. "I'll pay anything, anything to make her go away!"
Eddy's eyes turned to dollar signs. "Anything!? For three bucks, we at Ed's Carrie-Bee-Gone can make all of your Carrie-related problems disappear!"
"Three bucks!? That's highway robbery!" Sarah protested.
"But Sarah, think of my freshly-baked croissants!"
"Ugh, fine…" Sarah tossed three dollar bills down at Eddy, who grabbed them quickly.
"Okay Ed! Help me out here!" Eddy got beside Carrie and tried to push her out of the way, but she wouldn't move.
"Allow me, miss!" Ed said, picking Carrie up by the shirt. He tossed her over the fence. "Carrie has left the building!"
"Double D! I just got the greatest idea! We'll have Carrie annoy the hell out of our neighbors, then charge them to get rid of her!"
"Didn't we do something like this with Jonny?"
"Yeah, but Carrie's easier to manipulate," Eddy explained. "It's fool-proof this time!"
"And I should know!" Ed butted in.
"Prepare yourselves, boys! We've got a nuisance to get rid of…" Eddy brought his friends in close and grinned sinisterly.
Later that afternoon, Jonny was happily plucking acorns from the tree in his front yard. He was having such a good time, that he didn't notice the pieces of hotdog being flung in his yard, Carrie following the trail being made by them. She ate them as quick as they hit the ground. As soon as she reached the tree Jonny was climbing, the hot dog chunks stopped falling.
"Hi-ya, Carrie!" Jonny waved down at the Sepian. "You wanna help me pick acorns?"
Carrie stared up at Jonny, then noticed Plank on the ground. Still feeling quite famished, she picked up the hunk of wood and took a bite out of him.
"Plank, noooo!" Jonny wailed. "I'm coming, buddy!" Jonny tried to climb down, but his immense weight caused him to lose his balance, and he fell to the ground.
"Got any ketchup?" Carrie asked, spewing sawdust in Jonny's face as she spoke. The Eds strolled into Jonny's yard as he watched in horror as Carrie took another bite out of Plank.
"Hey, cue-ball! Are you having trouble with Sepians gnawing on your furniture, digging through your garbage, and eating your stuff? We at Ed's Sepian Be-Gone are highly trained to remove any unwanted busty, tailed, alien-girls from your home or your money back!" Eddy said, reading off a sheet of paper.
"Eddy! You gotta do something!" Jonny pleaded, grabbing Eddy by the ankles.
"Don't worry, Jonny! We're highly trained professionals!" Eddy pulled out a strip of raw bacon just as Carrie was about to take another bite out of poor Plank.
Eddy whistled, catching the Sepian's attention. Carrie immediately dropped Plank and ran over to Eddy to try and get the bacon, but he just threw it over into Rolf's yard. Carrie climbed the wooden fence after it, but one of the boards broke loose and she fell over the side, landing on several metallic objects.
"Ouch," Carrie groaned over the metallic racket she made.
"That'll be four bucks!" Eddy held out his hands in anticipation.
"No way!" Jonny replied. "Two bucks!"
"What!? That barely covers the cost of the strip of bacon we had to use! Four bucks!"
"Fine, but if she comes back in my yard, Plank's suing!" Jonny handed Eddy four dollars for his services.
"Now, it's Rolf's turn…" Eddy and his friends quickly ran over to Rolf's house.
The Eds hid in some bushes growing along Rolf's fence where they could watch the scene unfold. Carrie was digging herself out of the pile of spare tractor parts she landed in. She freed herself from the junk pile and went about the mission at hand, finding that bacon! Carrie scanned the yard and found her thinly-sliced, meaty treasure sticking to the side of Rolf's cow. She meandered over to the animal to retrieve it, but as soon as she made a grab for it, the cow stepped out of her reach. Carrie tried again, but got the same result.
Carrie started to get frustrated and made another go at the bacon sticking to the side of the cow, but the cow decided it has had enough of this blonde-haired intruder. The cow turned around and kicked Carrie back in the junk pile and returned to eating grass. The Sepian re-emerged from the pile, now really pissed off. She pounced on the side of the cow and bit down where the bacon was. In a great deal of pain from Carrie's sharp teeth, the cow panicked and started running, Carrie clinging to its side with her teeth.
"Beatrice, why do you make such a ruckus?" Rolf yelled, hearing the commotion from inside his house. The cow ignored the son of a shepherd and plowed into his chicken coops, sending feathers and chickens flying everywhere. "Aiyee! Rolf's fowl!" Rolf grabbed the cow by the tail to try and stop it, but the cow just dragged him along.
"Hey, Rolf! We can make Carrie stop for five bucks!" Eddy yelled, emerging from his hideaway. The cow flung Rolf into the bushes the Eds were hiding in, Carrie still clinging to the side.
"Ed-boys!" Rolf yelled angrily. "Your friend has vandalized Rolf's chicken coops, and is bothering his livestock again! She? She clings to the side of Beatrice like a starving tick!"
"Oh dear," Double D moaned. "Carrie, you can let go now!" He ran after the cow.
Ed stared at the scene, stroking his chin. "Hey, Carrie!" Carrie looked over at Ed, still biting the side of Beatrice the cow. Ed reached in his jacket and pulled out a fully cooked turkey. "Time for dinner!"
Carrie eyed the turkey hungrily and she let the hurt and confused bovine go. Carrie ran at Ed, who held the turkey over his head, just out of Carrie's reach. Eddy grabbed a "containment unit" he rigged from a trash can and a few emergency lights and opened the lid. Ed was struggling to keep Carrie from getting that turkey. Her long tail had wrapped around it and Ed's arm, and had started to climb on his back to get the turkey. Ed pried the cooked bird from his grip and threw it in the flashy trash can. Carrie jumped in after it, and Eddy quickly put the lid on.
"Okay," Eddy said, pulling out a calculator. "That's three dollars for the flat-rate fee, plus four dollars for the bait, and another three for use of our patented Sepian containment unit…" Eddy did some number crunching, and held his hand out to Rolf. "That'll be twelve bucks, please!"
Rolf slapped his hand away. "You expect Rolf to pay you after the tailed Carrie-girl traumatized Rolf's livestock and laid waste to his chicken pens!? Is not the coo-coo brained Carrie-girl the responsibility of you Ed-boys!?Rolf should be charging you!"
"That's fine, we can just let her out and…" Eddy went to open the trash can, the sounds of Carrie munching on turkey bones coming from the vessel.
"No-no!" Rolf pleaded. "Rolf concedes, no-neck Ed-boy!" Rolf handed Eddy a handful of cash. "Send the Carrie far away from Rolf and his livestock, I beg of you!"
"You heard the man, Ed! Let her fly!"
Ed saluted Eddy and picked up the trash can. He shook it up as hard as he could, opened it up, and pulled Carrie out, who was stunned from the shaking.
"Time to fly back to wince you came, blonde space dweller!" Ed hoisted the Sepian over his head and tossed her across the cul-de-sac and out of Rolf's yard. Carrie flew across the street like a large, hair-covered dart where she slammed into Kevin head-first, knocking him into the back of his garage. "Ten points!" Ed screamed.
"Can we stop now, Eddy?" Double D asked, worn out and panting from chasing the cow.
"Are you kiddin'? We're just getting started! And Ed just set our next pigeon up for us!" Eddy ran across the street, dragging his friends behind him, and hid behind a fire hydrant in front of Kevin's house.
"Okay, who's responsible for this?" Kevin roared, holding Carrie up by the shirt collar. She was out cold from the impact.
"C'mon! Wake up and be obnoxious already!" Eddy whispered.
Seeing no one else around, Kevin threw the Sepian over his fence and onto Eddy's lawn. "Sheesh…" he mumbled.
"I suppose that's all the, um, annoying we're going to get out of Carrie for the day," Double D said.
"Yeah right! We just need to help her out a bit…"
The Eds went back to Eddy's house to retrieve their friend, who was still lying in Eddy's yard unconscious. Ed grabbed the Sepian and threw her over his shoulder. He and Double D followed Eddy to Ed's house, where they could work undisturbed (and so they wouldn't risk Carrie breaking any of Eddy's stuff.)
"You got any ideas?" Eddy asked as Carrie woke up.
"We could dress Carrie up like a stain," Double D suggested. "Those always get on my nerves!"
"Morning, guys!" Carrie chirped. "Ooh, my head feels funny…"
"Go back to sleep!" Eddy threw a lawn chair cushion at Carrie's face.
"What if we all used a catch phrase?" Ed asked. Carrie's eyes got big when she heard this.
"Nah, catch phrases are too '80s…"
"Oh, I want a catch phrase!" Carrie screamed. "It could be something cool like, 'sha-bam!'" Carrie struck a Charlie's Angels pose. "Or, it could be something awesome like 'meat ball!'" Eddy frowned at her, unimpressed.
"That has to be… The best idea ever! Carrie, every time you see someone besides us, I want you to yell 'meat ball' at them!" Carrie grinned, excitement penting up inside her.
"This'll never work, Eddy…" Double D muttered, putting his hand over his forehead.
"Eh, what else is new…" Eddy pointed at Kevin's yard. "Okay Carrie, Kevin really likes it when people tackle him while screaming the word meatball! Now got get him!"
"Yay!" Carrie cheered as he ran towards Kevin, who was shoving some old, oily rags in his garbage can.
"Let's go watch!" Eddy snickered, he and his friends running over to watch the scene unfold from behind Eddy's fence.
Kevin never knew what hit him. 165 lbs. of Carrie barreled into the jock, screaming "meatball" at the top of her lungs. Kevin was dazed for a moment, but felt a great weight on his chest. He opened his eyes to find Carrie standing on top of him, looking around.
"Where did that guy go?" Carrie asked, looking for Kevin.
"Get off me!" Kevin growled.
"Sorry," the Sepian apologized, stepping off of him. Kevin staggered to his feet; Carrie hit him harder than he thought. As he was standing up, Carrie wandered into his garage. "Stay out of there!"
Ignoring Kevin, Carrie picked up an electric sander. Curious, she turned it on, the noise frightening her. Carrie dropped the sander and ducked under Kevin's work bench and the sander went off on its own. It slammed into Kevin's nearly-finished motorcycle and knocked it over with a great crash, breaking one of the side mirrors. Kevin turned around and screamed in frustration.
The sander continued its rampage, knocking stacks of boxes over, breaking a couple of wooden saw horses, and knocking over the metal cabinet in the back of the garage. The sander finally met its end when the cord pulled free from the electrical outlet.
"Look at what you've done to my garage, you tailed freak!" Kevin yelled at Carrie, who was cautiously poking the sander to make sure it was "dead."
Carrie looked around at Kevin's garage. "Wow, you should really clean up in here…" Kevin growled, his face turning brighter red by the second as steam billowed from his ears.
"Yo, Kev! We can get rid of her for a couple of bucks!" Eddy yelled, trying to suppress his laughter.
"I should have known you Eds were behind this," Kevin grumbled.
"Us? No way! Carrie, uh, accidentally ate a whole can of coffee grounds and now she's, um, gone crazy!" Kevin looked at Carrie, who was banging a wrench on his metal work table playfully.
"She seems fine to me… What are you up to, dork?"
"We just want to help you get rid of her, and make a little cash doing it." The Eds all grinned at Kevin, who looked at them, unimpressed.
"Man you guys are pathetic!" Kevin handed Eddy a five dollar bill. "Just get her out of my garage!"
Carrie was now climbing in the rafters of Kevin's garage, knocking objects to the floor. Dodging toolboxes, the Eds approached the Sepian, holding a broomstick, a mop, and a hockey stick. They poked and prodded at Carrie, who responded by hissing and crawling into the garage's roof beams where they couldn't reach her. It was a tight fit, but now the Eds couldn't get to her.
"Carrie, you can come down now!" Eddy yelled.
"No, I like it up here!" Carrie yelled back.
"Carrie, it's lunch time!" Double D waved a bologna sandwich, trying to catch Carrie's interest.
"No thanks! I already ate!" Carrie replied, swallowing part of some old, wooden lattice work.
"Get her out of my garage!" Kevin screamed, growing impatient.
"Oh I'll get her down…"
Eddy pulled off one of the rubber boots he was wearing and threw it at Carrie, but he missed and it bounced off a beam and hit Eddy in the head. Carrie closed her eyes and blew a raspberry at him. Ed reached into his pocket and pulled out a fruitcake.
"Um Ed, how long have you had that?" Double D asked.
"Since Christmas," Ed answered, sizing up his target. Double D grimaced with disgust.
Ed threw the long out of date holiday dessert, the long-hardened cake smashing through several support beams. The cake hit its target, smacking Carrie right in the forehead. The mischievous Sepian went out like a light and fell backwards, the fruitcake embedded into her forehead. Unfortunately, she wasn't the only thing Ed brought down. As soon as Carrie hit the ground, part of the garage roof collapsed on top of her, the Eds, and Kevin.
"Got her down!" Ed said triumphantly, emerging from the rubble filthy, bruised, and snaggle-toothed. He had Carrie slung over his shoulders, still out cold.
"Good work, Ed! Now let's go get Nazz…" Eddy started digging his way out of the wreckage, when he was stopped by Double D.
"Um Eddy, I think we have bigger problems…" Double D pointed at Kevin, who was also digging himself out of the wrecked garage. He held a broken pipe in his hand.
"You dorks have had it now," Kevin growled.
"Run for it!" Eddy screamed. He tried to run away, but his foot was caught in a twisted wire.
"Wait, Kevin!" Double D jumped in between Kevin and Eddy, who was cowering on the ground.
"Move it or lose it, Double Dweeb!"
"If I may intervene, how about we negotiate instead of undergoing another act of clichéd cartoon violence?" Double D's answer was a swing of Kevin's pipe, which he narrowly dodged. "Run, Eddy…"
The Eds ran, Kevin chasing them and brandishing his pipe. They ran all the way across the cul-de-sac and into the alley.
"Just like old times, huh guys?" Ed said, still hauling Carrie on his shoulder.
"Shut up, Ed…" Eddy grumbled.
