Strong in Will
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February 23, 2012 – Greater Lima Memorial Hospital – 23:00
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It took her three days before she was willing to talk.
For those three days after Quinn regained consciousness, the only time she'd speak was to ask for water, or more meds to manage the pain. The rest of the time, she'd just lay in that hospital bed, staring at the dull beige walls and contemplating a life where she might never walk again.
The Glee Club took turns holding vigil.
The nursing staff had long since given up trying to apply regular visiting hours to them. One by one, they'd sit by her bedside, just to show her that they were there.
Mercedes brought magazines, and read them aloud. Artie serenaded her with the complete discography of Mark. E. Mark and the Funky Bunch. The doctor's were unanimous in their amazement that that didn't provoke a reaction. Puck acted out scenes from his surprisingly vast comic book collection. His speciality was his Jughead Jones impression. Brittany brought Lord Tubbington to work a voodoo spell on Quinn's legs and freaked out the entire staff.
But nobody was there more than Rachel and Finn.
They'd delayed the wedding. They didn't even discuss it. They both knew that there was no way they'd take their vows without Quinn there. They traded off the night shift, sleeping on those uncomfortable plastic hospital chairs.
On the third night after she woke up, Finn was trying to fall asleep in the chair. He had to fold himself almost in half just to fit, but he didn't care. The plastic arm dug a painful groove into his shoulder, but he didn't care. The tiny blanket Rachel had brought barely offered any warmth, but he didn't care.
He shifted this way and that, trying to find the least uncomfortable position. He kept his eyes resolutely shut, trying to will himself to sleep.
"This is ridiculous. You should just go home."
Finn fell out of the chair. He hit the ground with a loud smack. There was laughter from the bed.
"Hey," said Finn, from the floor, "Why are you up? You need to rest. Do you need more meds? Do you need me to call the nurse?"
"I'm fine," said Quinn, "For now."
Finn levered himself up off the floor, and came to stand beside her. Instinctively, he took her hand. She didn't pull away.
"At least you're talking," he said.
"My legs are broken, not my vocal chords."
"Coulda fooled us, these past few days."
"I wanted some quiet," she said, "To think."
"And you expected the Glee Club to be quiet?" he was incredulous, "What are you? New?"
She smiled. "Its just been hard to process everything," she said.
"Quinn, I'm so–"
"Don't say you're sorry," Quinn cut him off, "Please. I don't think I could handle that."
"Okay."
"It's not your fault. And it's not Rachel's either. Please tell her that. Everytime she's here, she just keeps crying. It's kinda bumming me out."
"You should tell her yourself."
"She'll listen to you."
"Rachel only listens to me when she wants to. The rest of the time…" he shrugged.
"You two are so cute together," said Quinn, "It's a little unfair, actually."
Finn didn't respond to that. He was a uncomfortable, and shuffled his feet, his eyes not meeting hers.
"Your dad's arranged for a specialist to see you," he said, eventually, "Some guy who does something with orthopedic somethings… I dunno, I didn't really follow it. But he's going to help you."
"We'll see," she said, non-committal.
"Don't give up," Finn urged her, "You will walk again. You're Quinn Fabray! This won't beat you."
"Why do you say it like that?"
"What?"
"My name. Even when we were dating, you did that a lot. Said my full name."
"I like your name."
"So do I, but I don't go around pronouncing it like I'm the Queen of the Nile, or something."
"Sorry," said Finn, "I'll stop."
There was silence for a while. Quinn turned to stare at the walls again, and Finn was afraid she'd retreated back into her shell. But then:
"I figured something out," she said, "Can't do much but think about stuff when you're stuck in a bed, but it gave me the chance to work out why… why…"
"Why what?"
"Why I was so against you getting married."
"We don't have to talk about this."
"I'm not going to break, Finn," she said, "I'm Quinn Fabray, remember?"
"Yeah, you are."
"I'm a selfish person," she said. She did this in a flat monotone that bothered him, but he kept quiet. Sensing she was only getting started. "I don't think I ever got over what happened last year. Losing you to Rachel. A part of me realised you were the best guy I knew, and I think… I didn't want to see you get married, because then I'd have to admit that I lost."
"Wait," Finn was confused, "Are you saying–?"
"I'll always love you, Finn. But not the way she does. I think that's why Rachel and I fought so much from the very beginning. She looked at you, and saw what was best in you. I looked at you, and saw what you could do for me. Yes, it's love. But not the good kind."
"That's crap!"
"Finn–"
"No!" he didn't know why he was suddenly angry, "What we had was real. And it was special. And I'm not going to let you lie here and pretend it wasn't."
"Sweet boy…"
She reached up, and slowly stroked his cheek with her thumb. Her touch was gentle and sad.
"I'm ready now," she said, "One benefit of playing chicken with a truck and losing, it gives you some perspective. I think I'm finally ready to let you go. And now I can look for my Rachel. The person that sees past the cheerleader, and loves me anyway."
"You'll find him," said Finn, "You're too awesome not to."
"The medication's kicking in," said Quinn, "Feeling… drowsy."
"Okay," Finn tapped her pillow, fluffing it so she'd be more comfortable, "I'll be right here."
"Okay. Gonna sleep now. But first… can you do something for me?"
"Anything."
"Sing for me. The way you sing for her."
Finn clutched at her hand, and felt her squeeze back. He eased himself up onto the bed beside her, never letting go. And he sang.
"I can hear your voice,
Ring of yesterday.
It seems so close to me,
And yet so far away.
I should let it out,
To save what's left of me.
And close the door so I,
May find my dignity.
But I can't go on,
As long as I believe,
Can't let go,
When I keep wondering…"
She was drifting. But there was a slight smile on her lips. The ghost of a smile, really. It would have to be enough.
"I should let it out,
It's time to let you go.
Oh baby, I just want to know…
Where are you now?
What have you found?
Where is your heart,
When I'm not around?
Where are you now?
You gotta let me know.
So I can let you go…"
Sleep took her. She looked so peaceful. An angel touched by moonlight. Finn went back to the hard plastic chair, ready to wait out another night.
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