Bleach Summer Camp

Chapter 9: A. Secret

"You saw a what?" Aizen asked.

"We…saw a…VAMPIRE!" Gin shouted. "THAT PROVES THAT TOSEN'S A GHOST!"

"Not this again," Harribel moaned from the table where she and Starrk were eating breakfast.

"Just ignore them," Starrk said as he took another bite of toast.

"Look, there's a vampire on this island," Gin said. "At first we thought it was Ulquiorra because it was making this bat-like clicking noise."

"Would you please repeat what it said exactly?" Ulquiorra asked from his place next to Aizen. "It may be important."

"I will do it," Zommari said. "It said, 'click-clack-click-click-clakity-click-clack-clack,'" Zommari said and fell silent.

"Nicely done," Yamamoto said. "That's another five gold stars for you."

"Thank you, sir," Zommari said.

"Kiss ass," Lilynette mumbled.

"Well, what does it mean?" Momo asked.

"It means, 'Fuck you all, I'm going to fucking kill you,' or something along those lines," Ulquiorra said as he took a sip of orange juice. "If you had learned to speak Bat, then you would have realized it was not me. I would never use such vulgar language. Although I do share with its sentiment with…certain people," he said and glared at Aizen from the corner of his eye.

"YOU SEE! It intends to kill us all," Gin said. "We need to hunt it down and destroy it."

"Wait a minute," Lilynette said. "Go through the list. We need to make sure that you got everything you need to battle against a vampire."

"Well, we have the Holy Water and a few crucifixes," Momo said.

"Don't forget…"

"…we also have the tinfoil hats."

"Blub…blub," Alice the Koi said from her position in Aaroniero's head bowl thingy in between the floating heads. (Translator's Note: Garlic…mirrors)

"Hmm, you don't have everything," Yamamoto said.

"What else do we need?" Gin asked.

"CROSSBOWS!" Lilynette and Yamamoto shouted out at the same time.

"And not regular crossbows either," Yamamoto said.

"That's right," Lilynette said. "Everyone knows that you need really cool, evil-looking, kick-ass crossbows when you're hunting vampires. I'm talking about the type of crossbow that can fire thirteen arrows at once or a mechanic cross bow."

"Or a crossbow that can spin around like the barrels of an old machine gun," Yamamoto said.

"Or a crossbow that can shoot out UV rays and silver bolts," Lilynette said.

"Damn it, LILLYNETTE, DON'T ENCOURAGE THEM!" Starrk shouted.

Ichigo

Ichigo really hated his uniform. He looked over at Uryu and saw that he modified it so that it didn't look quite as bad, despite the geeky cape he made to go with it. A part of him wanted to ask Uryu to modify his own uniform, but if he did that then Uryu would just include some kind of stupid cape as well.

"Yo, Ichigo," Mizuiro said as he passed. "We have a counselor's meeting…right now."

"I'm not going," Ichigo said.

"Aw, don't be like that," he said. "You know that attendance is mandatory. We're gonna go over today's activities."

"Count me out," Ichigo said.

"Well, suit yourself," Mizuiro said and rushed off to the Counselor's Offices which were down one of the side paths.

Ichigo sighed and got up. He looked around and saw that two of the Arrancars on the trip were hurrying along to one of the cabins. He watched as they looked around and snuck inside.

"I wonder what that's about," Ichigo said and sighed. "It's probably nothing."

Harribel

"Alright, so you have something to tell us," Harribel said.

She made sure that none of the counselors bothered to follow them as she and Starrk snuck off into the cabin that Sung-Sun was in. She had mentioned the night before that she had something important to tell them. Harribel knew that whenever Sung-Sun had something important to tell them that meant it was important. She thought that Apacci and Mila Rose might also have something important to tell them, but then they got into one of their arguments for some reason and neither of them told her anything.

"I do," Sung-Sun said. "I found someone who might be able to help us with finding out whatever is going on with this place. Her name is Tatsuki and she informed me early last evening that Camp Smiley used to be held at an old mansion."

Harribel and Starrk looked at each other and then back at Sung-Sun.

"Where is it?"

"She said that she'll show us today," Sung-Sun said. "However, she can't do it right now since they have a meeting to discuss the activities to do today."

"Oh joy," Starrk said and sighed.

Baraggan

Baraggan walked along one of the paths when Ggio and Cuuhlhourne caught up with him. He looked at them, giving Cuuhlhourne a brief glance but when he saw that Cuuhlhourne was wearing an even skimpier pair of the camp uniform he quickly averted his eyes, and gestured for them to follow him into one of the cabins. Ggio made sure that they weren't being followed and went inside with him.

"Alright, your majesty, what did you wish to speak to us about?" Ggio asked.

"I want to talk to you about the ladies," he said and wiggled his eyebrows.

Ggio and Cuuhlhourne looked at each other, although Ggio quickly turned to look away from Cuuhlhourne.

"King Baraggan," Cuuhlhourne said. "I must ask why you're wasting your time on the ladies. It is quite clear that none of them are interested in you."

"That's putting it lightly," Ggio muttered.

"HOW DARE YOU?" Baraggan roared. "You dare insult me, the God of Hueco Mundo in such a manner."

"However," Cuuhlhourne said. "I haven't finished yet. Have you thought of going to our dear Luppi for help?"

Baraggan lowered his fist. Ggio looked at Cuuhlhourne as though he had gone even more insane.

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that dear Luppi has a little secret."

"You mean other than that he or she can change their gender every month?" Ggio asked.

"Oh yes," Cuuhlhourne said. "You see, our dear Luppi is the inventor of Love Potion Number 9."

"Uh…no he's not," Ggio said.

"That's why I said it's a secret," Cuuhlhourne said and winked. "Luppi is a genius when it comes to these matters. I would advise that you see him."

"Your Majesty," Ggio said. "This advice is coming from Charlotte Cuuhlhourne. You know how much we can rely on…him…her…whatever…when it comes to advice of any kind. And I do mean any kind."

Baraggan closed his eyes and scratched the side of his head with one finger the way he did whenever he was thinking. He opened his eyes and smiled.

"Cuuhlhourne, get Luppi for me. Ggio, I want you to get Nnoitora over here as well. One way or another, I will see those sexy young vixens naked."

"I'll only help you out if I can be called your most loyally glamorous radiant starlit moonlit sunlit sparkly horrific gigantic titanic historic domestic glorious homely number one fraccion Charlotte Cuuhlhourne. Oh, and you have to get me that pony I've always wanted. After all, a princess always gets what she wants."

"Uh…sure, whatever," Baraggan said. "Why didn't I bring Avirama instead?" he muttered.

"Count me out," Ggio said. "I have no intention of…"

"If you don't, then I'll tell that petite young thing you've been keeping your eye on about your little secret," Baraggan said.

Ggio gasped.

"You wouldn't."

"I would," Baraggan said and nodded. "Plus, you might get lucky and see her naked."

"I'M IN!" Ggio shouted for two main reasons. The first was that he didn't want Sui-Feng to know that he slept with a stuffed cat that he named Mr. Paws. He doubted that she would think that was very masculine. And second: he wouldn't mind seeing Sui-Feng naked. After all, even though he was an Arrancar, he was still a straight guy.

Kenpachi

"I'm so bored," Kenpachi said. "I want to kill something."

"I know what you mean, Captain," Ikkaku said.

"Maybe we should battle some of those Arrancars," Yumichika said. "That should ease that boredom."

"Or you can play with Carrot Head," Yachiru said as she bounced her way towards them.

"Huh? What's that? Ichigo's here?" Kenpachi asked.

"Yep, he sure is," Yachiru said. "Don't you remember? We saw him when we got here and yesterday."

"That's right," Kenpachi said and broke out in his signature slasher smile. "I forgot. I guess I didn't recognize him. He wasn't in his Soul Reaper uniform nor was he carrying that big-ass Zanpakuto of his."

"Man, the Captain must be really out of it if he didn't know Ichigo was here," Ikkaku whispered.

"I know what you mean," Yumichika said. "But then again, he was only wearing nine bells over the past couple of days and not his normal ten."

"That is strange," Ikkaku said.

"Maybe Kenny's been knocked in the head one time too many," Yachiru said and began to giggle.

"Well, well, well, look who I found," Yoruichi said.

"Hmm, maybe I'll fight you," Kenpachi said and got up.

"Hold on a minute," Yoruichi said. "I just came to talk to you about a little proposition."

"Oh, and what kind of proposition are you talking about? Does it involve killing stuff?"

"It might," Yoruichi said.

"Then whatever it is, I'm in," Kenpachi said. "I love killing stuff; so long as they're a tough opponent."

"Then step into my office," Yoruichi said and gestured to Girl Cabin Number 2 where she was staying. "I'll go over the details with you and some of the other recruits."

Loly and Menoly

"Loly Aivirrne and Menoly Mallia, that's not very nice," Orihime said as she blew the whistle around her neck.

Loly and Menoly looked up from their attempts at drowning Renji. In the corner of the pool area, Shuhei, Kira, Keigo, and Shunsui were cowering. The group had been talking about who they thought were the hottest girls and Renji said that he couldn't decide except that Loly and Menoly were the least good-looking of the bunch. Unfortunately, Loly and Menoly were entering the pool area just as he said it. If Orihime hadn't stepped in then they could have quite possibly killed Renji.

"Oh look, Menoly, it's the Little Princess," Loly said.

"Yeah, and once again she's ruining our fun," Menoly said.

"Loly Aivirrne and Menoly Mallia, if you don't let Renji up for air then I will have to take away ten gold stars from you," Orihime said and put her fists on her hips.

"Just let them drown him," Byakuya said from the beach chair he was lying on in his swim suit. "It's his fault for being an idiot."

Loly and Menoly looked at Byakuya and then Orihime.

"You see, he doesn't have a problem with it," Menoly said.

"Yeah, isn't he like this asshole's superior or something?" Loly asked.

"Loly…Menoly…" Orihime said in a slow and low tone. "Let him up this instant."

Loly and Menoly sighed and did as instructed. Renji gasped for breath as he was dragged onto shore. He sat up and then screamed and backed away from Loly and Menoly as fast as he could. He pointed at them with trembling fingers.

"THOSE TWO ARE INSANE!" he shouted. "THEY TRIED TO KILL ME!"

"And we would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for that meddling Orihime," Loly whispered under her breath.

"He started it," Menoly said. "He said that we were ugly."

"I DID NOT!" Renji shouted. "I said that you two were the least attractive girls here."

"Renji…" Orihime said in that same slow and low tone. "Apologize."

"WHAT?" Renji cried out.

"Apologize to them…now," Orihime said and her eyes blazed with fire.

"Uh…what's gotten into you? Are you…are you possessed?"

"Are you going to do this the easy way…or the hard way?" Orihime asked and put her hands to the sides of her head and the flowers where the spirits of the Shun Shun Rikka were housed.

"Uh…wait a minute…what are you doing?" Renji asked.

"Renji, apologize or else I'll have Tsubaki take care of you," Orihime said.

"Fine, fine," Renji said. "I'm sorry for insulting Loly and Menoly."

"Okay," Orihime said, returning to her normal giddy self. "Now, play nice," she said and skipped away from them.

Renji looked at Loly and Menoly who were glaring at him and he joined the others in the corner.

"Whoa, I had no idea that Orihime could be so scary," Keigo said.

"No kidding," Renji said.

Yamamoto and Aizen

"Ah, there you are," Mr. Noying said as he approached the hot springs where Yamamoto and Aizen were once again hanging out. "How do you like the hot springs?"

"They are very relaxing," Yamamoto said.

"Oh yes," Aizen said. "If there's one thing I miss since my time in Hueco Mundo it's the hot springs. They're quite soothing on the soul."

"I'm glad that you like them," Mr. Noying said. "At any rate, group activity will be starting in about forty-five minutes. I promise you won't want to miss it."

"Ooh, what is it?" Aizen asked.

"It's a nice little teambuilding exercise involving high places. I want to see how well they can trust each other to navigate an obstacle course that we set up."

Harribel

"LADY HARRIBEL!" Mila Rose and Apacci shouted as they ran up to her.

She turned and saw that they were dragging two of the members in the Soul Reaper group with them. She was knew that the one with the 69 tattooed on his face was Shuhei, but she couldn't quite remember the blonde's name.

They must have found potential allies, she thought. Then she remembered that these two were in Gin's group who were hunting for ghosts and vampires and maybe even the tooth fairy and Santa Clause by now.

"Lady Harribel," we've found some recruits to help in our investigation," Mila Rose said.

"HEY! I WANTED TO TELL HER!" Apacci roared.

"That's too bad. I beat you to it."

"Why you…"

"Ladies, that's enough arguing," Harribel said and looked at Shuhei and Kira. "Sung-Sun already found someone who can help us out. She'll be coming pretty soon."

And hopefully Starrk will be coming as well, she thought. She wondered where Starrk was.

Starrk

"Great, where did Lilynette go off to now?" Starrk whispered as he rubbed his head. "I hope she didn't get caught up in Gin's insanity."

At that moment Starrk heard voices coming from a shed he was walking past. He turned and looked at it. He crept closer, making sure not to make a noise. He put his ear close to the shed's wall.

"Do you think I should put another scope on this one?" someone asked.

"No, it will throw the balance off," Lilynette said.

Oh no, Starrk thought. What are they up to now?

"Hey Lilynette," Gin's voice said. "Do you think this is enough silver at the tip or should I put a bit more on."

"I would put a little bit more silver on that one," Lilynette said. "However, that one's fine."

"No, that one needs a little bit more silver," Yamamoto said.

"We're hunting vampires; not werewolves," Lilynette said. "I'm telling you that bolt is fine. Don't you remember how in episode 34 of Dreams in the Vampire House how Dr. Barker mentions that while silver isn't as deadly to vampire as werewolves, they can be weakened by a tiny bit of silver. However, too much silver and you get a really pissed-off vampire that could bench-press Yammy's weight when he's in full Resurrección fifty times over. Remember what happened to Anton when shot a vampire with silver pellets?"

"Oh yeah," Yamamoto said.

"Anyways, that's enough silver," Lilynette said. "Anymore and you could make the tip too heavy. Anyways, I'm just about finished with attaching the UV light onto this one. Remember folks, the reason why vampires are weak against sunlight is because of the UV rays and not just by the light. You can shine a frickin' flashlight in their eyes and they won't even blink, but shine a UV light in 'em and…"she chuckled softly.

Starrk shook his head and was about to walk away when the shed door opened. Lilynette stood in the entry, dressed in military fatigues, a white tank top, and boots. At her waist she wore a belt with an army knife. In her hand she held a very cool, wicked-looking, kick-ass crossbow. It was outfitted with a scope at the top and a UV light underneath. It held six bolts at the top and another two along the sides of the stock.

"I thought I felt you out here," Lilynette said. "Care to join us?"

"Not really," Starrk said. "Uh…you do know that a crossbow isn't a toy, right?"

"I know how to treat a weapon. Remember, when you're in your release form I'm your guns and the spirit wolves."

"Yeah, but…just be careful with that thing."

"I know how to use a crossbow," Lilynette said.

"Well, you do, but do they know how to use a crossbow?"

Lilynette turned and saw Gin and the rest of the T.A.G. Team behind her. Each of them was armed with some kind of weapon associated with vampire hunters like Gin was holding another crossbow, but this one had a mechanism that would pull the string back with a single pump-action. Momo was carrying a water gun that was filled with, of course, Holy Water and was wearing a silver crucifix and a necklace of wolf's bane around her neck. Aaroniero was carrying a bag filled with wooden stakes that were dipped in silver. Zommari was dressed like a Catholic priest, complete with shawl and Roman collar, and was carrying a book of exorcism rituals, even though Zommari never went to seminary school and was never an ordained minister, but he was the only one who fit the bill of filling in for the Priest archetype.

"Yamamoto and I will go over their jobs later," Lilynette said with a wave of her hand. "At any rate, Starrk, want to join us?"

"Not really," Starrk said. "Lilynette, I'm really worried about you joining these guys. They're all insane and her," he said pointing at Momo. "I don't know what to make of her."

"Don't worry. I'm just doing this for fun. I'm not really taking the whole vampire thing seriously. I just like screwing around with their heads," Lilynette said. "Anyways, I think Bel might be worried about you so you better get going."

"Fine, but remember, Lilynette."

"I know. Don't become like Gin and Aizen. I won't," Lilynette said and grinned. Oh she and Yamamoto were going to have some fun with this pack of fools. If they did catch a vampire in the process: that would just be a bonus.

Harribel

Harribel looked up and saw Starrk coming towards them. She smiled and rushed over to him.

"What took you?" she asked.

"I was looking for Lilynette. You're not going to believe what she was up to."

"Try me."

"She was helping Tosen and his gang along with that old guy, Yamamoto, on gearing up for a vampire hunt."

"You're right. I don't believe it if she was serious about it."

"She isn't. She's just doing it to play around with them."

"Then I do believe it. Anyways, Sung-Sun should be here pretty soon. In the meantime, we'll just try to stay out of the way of the Courageous and Magnificent Vampire Hunters."

"No, I think they're still the Tosen's A Ghost Team," Starrk said and sighed.

Grimmjow and Nelliel

"Great, another day and another 'Trust-building' exercise," Grimmjow said. "I should be busy beating someone up."

"No you shouldn't," Nel said. "This kind of thing might be good for you."

"I doubt it. In case you haven't noticed, panthers don't like to be bossed around."

"Is that so? Perhaps if I took away your bag of catnip…"

"HEY! I NEED THAT!"

"Grimm, I think you might have an addiction problem. I'll schedule you an appointment with the on-island psychiatrist to help you."

"There's no way I'm going to meet with someone who Gin suspects is a vampire. I like my blood where it is, thank you very much."

"Grimm, would it kill you if you just give therapy a chance?"

"It would if the shrink's a vamp," Grimmjow said.

"Grimm, there's no such thing as vampires. I'm doing this for your own good. I'll talk to Mr. Noying and see if I can't get you an appointment."

"Great, just great," Grimmjow said. "You know if this was a horror film that would mean I'm probably an early casualty."

"Oh for Aizen's sake, this isn't a movie," Nel said.

Tatsuki

Tatsuki followed Sung-Sun. She made sure that no one saw her as she left the group of counselors who were making their way to that morning's activity. She couldn't help but notice that Ichigo was trying to sneak away as well, but was caught and dragged back into line by both Rukia and Orihime. She noticed that some of the others were really starting to enjoy themselves in their roles as "Camp Counselor" but she and Ichigo were having none of it.

"So, how many do you think are left?" Sung-Sun asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I've been noticing an alarming trend. There are groups forming and they're all following some insane form of logic. You have Gin with his group. Then you have Byakuya going on about some kind of cat plot to take over the world. Then you have Yoruichi talking about some kind of fish invasion," Sung-Sun said and shook her head. "How many do you think are still sane?"

"Well…" Tatsuki began and at that moment Captain Komamura popped out, fully naked. Leaves and twigs were caught in his fur and he howled in delight.

"I'M HEEDING THE CALL OF THE WILD!" he shouted and howled as he ran off into the forest.

Sung-Sun and Tatsuki looked after him and Lieutenant Iba came running out carrying a leash and collar with a bone-shaped name tag with "KOMAMURA" written on it.

"I'm sorry," he said. "But did either of you ladies see Captain Komamura running this way?"

"Is he the one that looks like a large dog?" Tatsuki asked.

"Yeah, that's him. I'm supposed to make sure he washes and brushes his fur every day," Iba said. "But he got free before I could get his leash on him."

"He went that way," Sung-Sun said and pointed in the direction that Komamura ran.

"Thanks," Iba said. "CAPTAIN KOMAMURA, IT'S BATH TIME! IF YOU'RE A GOOD BOY, YOU'LL GET SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE DOGGY TREATS!"

"Anyways, what was the question again?" Tatsuki asked.

"Never mind."

Chojiro

"Oh…oh my…OH MY GOD! I FINALLY GOT MY OWN SUB-CHAPTER HEADING! HURRAH! HURRAH! TIME TO CELEBRATE GOOD TIMES, COME ON!"

(We Are Experiencing Technical Difficulties)

(We Now Return You To The Actual Story)

Harribel

Harribel saw Sung-Sun coming up the path with Tatsuki. Shuhei and Kira used the opportunity of Mila Rose and Apacci's disappointment to run off and regroup with the T.A.G. Team.

"Lady Harribel, I've brought her," Sung-Sun said.

"Excellent work, Sung-Sun," Harribel said. "So you know something about a mansion in the woods, is that correct?"

"This doesn't have something to do with vampires, right?"

"It does not," Ulquiorra said.

"AH, where'd you come from?"

"I have been hiding from the insane nonsense that is going on here," Ulquiorra said. "I also saw that white-haired Soul Reaper Captain trying to hide as well, but then that large-breasted blonde Lieutenant of his found him and dragged him off somewhere. It was such a pity. He seemed to be one of the few sane people left on this…no…I can't use that…Aizen loves this place."

"So, why did you come out?" Sung-Sun asked.

"I got lonely and decided to come out."

"Aw, you poor thing," Orihime said.

"AH! WHERE'D YOU COME FROM?" Mila Rose and Apacci shouted.

"I followed Tatsuki."

"I take it that Ichigo got tied up and abducted by Rukia to go to whatever exercise they're doing?"

"Yep, but when I saw you sneak away I thought, 'Hey, Tatsuki's sneaking away to get some snacks or something.' So, I followed you. That way I could sneak some snacks too."

"Uh…right…whatever," Tatsuki said.

"But then I thought, 'Wait a minute. What if she's taking someone to see the Old Camp? That's a big No-No.' So, I brought along some rope and a Taser and my whistle just in case you were thinking of disobeying the rules." Orihime's voice was dark and menacing when she said, "disobeying the rules."

"Uh…Orihime, I…I wasn't going to take them down the path to the left and lead them straight until we got to the sign post that says 'KEEP OUT' and turn left down the overgrown trail until they reached the old abandoned mansion."

"Oh…OKAY!" Orihime said and brightened. "Just as long as you weren't doing a big No-No, you should be fine. Now come on, we're about to begin and Mr. Noying wants everyone to be there. Hey, where were those people you were talking to?"

"What people?"

"Hmm, I could have sworn there were other people here," Orihime said. "Oh well, they probably got excited and ran to the activity."

"Yeah, that's probably it," Tatsuki said and followed Orihime.

T.A.G. Team

"This is Alpha Wolf calling for Alpha Fox. Do you read me Alpha Fox? Over," Lilynette asked into the headset she was wearing.

"This is Alpha Fox calling Alpha Wolf," Gin's voice said through the earphone. "I read you loud and clear. Over."

"Very good," Lilynette said. "The rest of you sign off. I want to make sure that you all read me loud and clear."

"This is Alpha Gramps," Yamamoto said. "I read you loud and clear, Alpha Wolf."

"This is Alpha Pumpkin," Zommari said. "I read you loud and clear."

"This is Alpha Head 1…"

"…and Alpha Head 2…"

"Blub…blub-blub" (Translator's Note: This is…Alpha Koi)

"We read you loud and clear. Over."

"Blub…blub" (Translator's Note: Read you… Over)

"Excellent," Lilynette said. "Where are Alpha Emo and Alpha Tattoo?"

"They haven't reported in," Gin said.

"Damn it. Looks like something got them and they're dead," Lilynette said.

"WHAT? No…no…not Alpha Emo and Alpha Tattoo," Momo said over the headset.

"Pull yourself together, Alpha Whiney," Gin said. "Just remember. We mustn't let their deaths go in vain. If we find them…that means that they're vampires and we must get rid of them. Do you understand? If you want Toshiro to live…if you want Aizen to live…if you want Aizen's almighty Hair Curl to live…you must keep it together, girlfriend."

"I…I understand," Momo said. "I must do this so that way Toshiro, Captain Aizen, and Captain Aizen's almighty and magnificent and gorgeous Hair Curl can live."

Oh man, Lilynette thought as she suppressed the laughter building inside of her. This stuff is GOLDEN! Thank goodness I'm recording this. It will provide me with blackmail material on these guys for so many years.

Nnoitora

"So, you come to me for help, Baraggan," Nnoitora said and he crossed his legs.

"Yes, I need your help, Nnoitora," Baraggan said from across the table.

"Tesla, bring the case over here," Nnoitora said.

"Yes, Master Nnoitora," Tesla said and grabbed the briefcase that Baraggan brought with him to this little impromptu meeting.

"Open it."

"Yes, Master," Tesla said and opened the case.

Nnoitora looked inside and looked at Baraggan.

"This is just a small sample of what I can offer you if you help me in my endeavors," Baraggan said.

"Interesting," Nnoitora said. "Some of these were smuggled in from the Soul Society were they not?"

"That is correct," Baraggan said. "I also have volumes that date back as late as only last week."

Nnoitora brought out the disks and looked through them. His eye widened and he looked at Baraggan.

"How did you get your hands on this? I thought she destroyed all of the copies."

"I have my ways," Baraggan said. "So, do we have a deal?"

"You truly are the Godfather of voyeurism," Nnoitora said and bowed. "We have a deal. I will gladly do this deed for you, but in exchange I want the footage you capture."

"Done," Baraggan said. "I hope that you enjoy the disks, but only after you help get the cameras set up. I want the cameras to be set up in any area where a sexy young vixen is likely to get naked."

"It shall be done," Nnoitora said. "I shall set them up right away."

"Excellent and I do hope you enjoy the footage of Harribel and her fraccion in the showers. Also, you might be interested in the one of Orihime and Rangiku in the Squad 10 Barracks after they rescued Rukia, who is in it as well. Then there is another of Kisuke with both Yoruichi and Sui-Feng at the waterfall in the Soul Society. These are very, very rare finds. Treasure them with your life."

"Oh…I will," Nnoitora said and licked his lips. "I will enjoy these greatly. And I will protect these with my life."

Ggio shook his head. He couldn't understand why in all of Hueco Mundo, the World of the Living, and the Soul Society put together Baraggan would want to make more videos of Arrancar and Shinigami females naked when he had a whole collection of them at home. Of course, the same could be said about Nnoitora. Everyone in Las Noches knew that Baraggan and Nnoitora were in a sort of contest to see whose collection of porn was the biggest and it was relatively evenly matched between them. He figured that Nnoitora would make the deal so that way he could claim bragging rights about having certain videos of certain Arrancars, but including Shinigami only sweetened the deal.

He also knew that Cuuhlhourne was secretly negotiating with Tesla and Luppi on doing the same thing with the Arrancar and Shinigami guys, with a list of exceptions of course (Omaeda being at the top of that list).

Harribel

They made their way through the dense forest when Harribel stopped and shivered.

"Are you alright, Lady Harribel?" Sung-Sun asked.

"I have this bad feeling," Harribel said. "I think someone might have…but no, that couldn't be. I got rid of all of the copies."

"Uh…what are you talking about?" Starrk asked.

"Nothing," Harribel said.

"Okay," Starrk said. "I suppose that Tatsuki was giving us directions to this 'Old Camp' place. That means that somewhere ahead there should be a sign that says 'Keep Out' and we turn left onto the faded trail. Oh, that must be it," he said and pointed at a weathered sign that said "Keep Out" in faded red letters.

"This is…rather ominous," Sung-Sun said.

"Come on," Starrk said as he took the lead. "The sooner we get done with this, the sooner we can get back."

T.A.G. Team

"Alpha Wolf, Alpha Wolf, do you read me? Over," Gin asked.

"This is Alpha Wolf," Lilynette answered. "What is it? Over."

"I found Alpha Emo and Alpha Tattoo. They are still alive. I repeat they are still alive. Over."

"Have they been bitten? Over."

Gin looked at the dazed forms of Shuhei and Kira on the ground. They were knocked out, but they did not have the tell-tale bite mark of a vampire. He sighed in relief. They wouldn't have to put them down after all.

"They have not been bitten," Gin said. "I repeat they have not been bitten. What should I do with them? Over."

"Stay there," Lilynette said. "I'll contact the rest of the Team. Give me your coordinates and I'll relay them to the rest of the Team. Chances are that they were attacked by the Watch Dog. We'll have to be very careful now. Over."

"Roger that," Gin said. "I am currently located by the mess hall. Please hurry. Over and out," Gin said. He looked around, but didn't see anyone. He looked back at Kira and Shuhei. "It'll be alright, soldiers. You're safe now."

Behind him a figure, that wasn't a particular psycho albino, watched from the shadows and dashed away.

Harribel

Harribel watched as Starrk used a stick he found to beat some of the shrubbery away from the path. They could see another sign up ahead. She took one look at it and shook her head. The sign read: "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO KEEP OUT!"

"Whoever posted those warning signs must have known Szayel Aporro," she whispered as she remembered the more than 500 signs that Szayel Aporro posted around his palace.

"You know, when someone tells you to 'Keep Out,' you better keep out," Sung-Sun said.

"I know," Starrk said. "Unfortunately, the people caught in such a situation always do the dumb thing and ignore it. But we're not ignoring the warnings. We need to find anything that can help us find out what's wrong with this place."

"And it's not vampires," Harribel said.

"It's something, but I don't think ghosts and vampires have anything to do with it," Starrk said.

"Maybe pod people?" Apacci asked.

"NO!" the others cried out in unison.

"Just kidding," Apacci said. "God, don't any of you know a joke when you hear it?"

"Hey, quiet down, please," Starrk hissed.

"At least he said, 'please,'" Mila Rose grumbled.

"There's something up ahead," Starrk said.

They made their way forward as carefully as they could. They saw a pair of iron-wrought gates standing before them, but one of them had fallen when its brick post was destroyed. The other brick post had a metal plaque that read: "A. SECRET".

"Okay, seriously, what is with these names?" Apacci asked.

"Look," Starrk said and grimaced.

They looked and groaned. Ahead they could see that the yard ahead was lined with nude sculptures. The fountain at the center of the turn-about was of prancing naked cherubs and fauns. There were statues of lounging nudes and nudes dancing in circles.

"Okay, this is seriously fucked up," Mila Rose said.

"What is with these people and nudes?" Apacci asked.

"At least they're not as gaudy as those gold things on the train and ship," Sung-Sun said.

"No, but they still used a lot of them," Starrk said. "Should we go in?"

"What choice do we have?" Harribel asked. "I mean, the name on the plaque seems to suggest we might find out something important."

"Either that or else one of us will die," Starrk said. "Whenever a group enters a place with buried secrets, someone always dies."

"Maybe we shouldn't," Apacci said.

"Yeah, I like staying alive," Mila Rose said.

"Would you two please stop it?" Sung-Sun said and hit both of them on the back of the head. "We're already dead if you don't remember. We're Arrancars. Arrancars are not physically alive."

"SHUT UP, SUNG-SUN!" the two yelled.

At that moment the front door opened and something came flying out. They looked with wide-eyes as a pale-white hand with black fingernails pointed at the object and then beckoned for them to come forward.

"Hey Ulquiorra," Starrk whispered. "Do you have a twin brother we don't know about?"

"I do not recall," Ulquiorra said as he looked at his own hands.

The door slammed shut and they could hear maniacal laughter.

"Okay, so…what do we do?" Starrk asked.

"I would think that is easy," Ulquiorra said and turned around. "We just leave. Or we can follow the rules of horror and go in and see what the crazy person who lives in a rundown house left for us. We open the box and see someone's severed head inside and then we run away in horror and go insane and kill ourselves."

They looked at each other and then at Ulquiorra.

"Very well," he said and sighed. "I shall go see what the crazy person left for us."

"Good luck," Starrk said. "Wait a minute. This reminds me of something. But I can't remember what."

Ulquiorra sighed as he went in by walking over the fallen gate. He made his way towards the box, making sure to keep a watch on the house. He looked at the box and then bent over to make sure there wasn't any blood or any other fluid soaking it. When he saw that the bottom looked dry, he picked it up and walked back. He took one look at the house and saw a curtain in the upstairs move slightly.

"I know. I know," Ulquiorra whispered to the window. "I am doing exactly what you want. Either there's a severed body part or a vital piece of information in this box. I just hope it is the latter."

Ulquiorra returned with the box in hand.

"Nice work, Ulquiorra," Starrk said.

"You do realize that the last time I did something like this, we awakened the monster known as Charlotte Cuuhlhourne," Ulquiorra said.

"THAT'S IT!" Starrk shouted. "I knew that something like this happened before."

"If you are going to put someone's life in danger like that. I suggest that you use Tesla or that big fat guy from the Soul Reaper group…preferably the fat Soul Reaper since Tesla is on our team."

"And nobody likes that fat Soul Reaper," Apacci said.

"Indeed," Ulquiorra said as he set the box down. "Now, who will open the box?"

"I will," Starrk said. "I'm the only one here who brought a pocket knife," he said and knelt on the ground. He took out his Swiss Army Knife (the greatest invention in weaponry ever) and opened the blade. He slid it under the string that was tied around the box. "Wow, they even included the fraying string. How classical," he muttered before cutting it. He looked away as he opened the box. "Well, what's inside?"

Apacci leaned forward slowly and frowned.

"Aw, no severed head," she said. "Wouldn't that have been neat to see someone's severed head in a box? No wait, better yet, seeing your own severed head in a box."

"What kind of sick person are you?" Mila Rose asked.

"I should ask you the same thing," Apacci said. "I saw you looking at S&M sites on the internet."

"Why you…" Mila Rose snarled.

"Knock it off," Harribel said. "Look, we all have our own perversions so just drop it. Well, what is it?"

"It's a newspaper clipping," Starrk said as he brought out a rather old and slightly crumpled bit of yellowed paper from the box. "Man, talk about a waste of cardboard," he muttered.

"Never mind that," Ulquiorra said. "What does it say?"

"It says, 'A. Secret Invites Ten Officials for First Ever Smiley Convention on Injun Island'." Starrk's eyes widened. "Harribel, this must be…"

"Yes, it's what that guy in the restaurant told us about," Harribel said. "A strange guy brought ten guests over and they all died. This must be that group."

"Does it say anything else?" Ulquiorra asked.

Before Starrk could read on, there was a scream.

They all looked up as another scream came. They looked at each other and terror seized them.

"Oh shit," Starrk moaned. "Don't tell me that somebody died."

"Well, we are at that point," Ulquiorra said.

"The first victim," Apacci said with glee. "I hope it's Nnoitora."

"Or better yet," Mila Rose said grinning. "Maybe it's Aizen."

"Yeah," they all said in equally dreamy expressions as the image of Aizen pinned to a tree or one of the cabins by a sword entered their minds.

However that dream was short-lived when Aizen's voice cried out from somewhere.

"MY HAIR CURL! MY BEAUTIFULLY AWESOME MAJESTIC AND ALMIGHTY HAIR CURL IS DEAD!"

That's right. The first victim…was Aizen's Hair Curl.

End of Chapter 9

Lawyer: NO! NO! NO! I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT AIZEN'S AWESOME ALMIGHTY HAIR CURL IS DEAD!

MJLCoyoteStarrk: That's what Aizen said. But...how did it happen?

Lawyer: Who did it? Who is the fiend that killed Aizen's Hair Curl?

MJLCoyoteStarrk: A barber?

Lawyer: But which one? Which barber dared to smite Aizen's Hair Curl with their scissors?

MJLCoyoteStarrk: I have no idea. But I think it has something to do with whatever exercise A. Noying was doing. Folks, I'll have to check the tapes, but I think it was during whatever teamwork building exercise A. Noying had planned.

Nnoitora: HEY! Wait a minute, you already have cameras set up?

MJLCoyoteStarrk: Hey, how did you get in here? This is my secret lair. Go find your own.

Nnoitora: No way, you have most of what I need already set up. I'M TAKING OVER!

MJLCoyoteStarrk: OH NO YOU DON'T! DON'T MAKE ME USE THE BUG SPRAY ON YOU!

Nnoitora: I'D LIKE TO SEE YA TRY!

Lawyer: Well anyways folks...uh...who are you?

Tesla: I'm Master Nnoitora's most loyal and faithful servant, Tesla. Who are you?

Lawyer: I'm a Lawyer.

Tesla: And who are those people?

Lawyer: Those are our readers. Would you like to say "Hello" to the nice people?

Tesla: Hello. I guess I should read what the teleprompter is saying too. Uh...thank you for reading and please review.