Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. I just borrowed the names. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without written authorization. ©2010 SwedenSara. All rights reserved worldwide.

Wow, the response on the last chapter was unexpected! I never thought people would have such strong feelings about the story. This update is for you!

Thank you JillM12 and netracullen, my betas on this chapter!


Knights and Shining Armours

x.x.x

JPOV

It is her. Bella is standing here, in this bar, at this company-held party. I had no idea we worked for the same firm and yet here she is, in my arms again. She fits right in, as she always did.

My god, how long has it been?

It must be almost ten years ago since we first met. I remember that day like it was merely a week ago. I look down at her, stroking my nose against the top of her head, smelling the sweet scent of her shampoo and the softness of her brown hair. She presses her face into my chest and sighs, telling me how much she has missed me.

"I've missed you too, sweetie." I whisper to her, stroking her back with my hands, remembering the curve of her back and the soft feel of her waist. It is exactly like it used to be. It feels as if I am travelling back in time, to younger and more carefree days.

She used to be such a witty and entertaining girl, she could make smart, sarcastic and funny remarks about everything. She had the sharpest tongue; it was hard to win an argument with her. I know that a lot of it was for show; she had some dark sides and issues, as did I, and maybe that's what drew us to each other. She never told anybody but me about this and she always had the carefree face on in public. She doesn't look carefree now, something has changed. She is wringing her hands constantly, she looks strained and unhappy. I frown, realizing that her answer to my question a few moments ago implied that she isn't doing okay. I quickly scan the last years in my mind, recalling what I know about her life as it is now.

Married Cullen, who seemed to be a good guy.

Was in love with him, no doubt about that.

Had kids, I think… yes, a girl.

I believe I heard something about a boy too, later.

Her life seems to be settled, but looking at her now I see that something is different. I need to find out what it is, because even if she's married to Edward, and I'm married to Leah, I still care for her deeply. We had a connection that nobody could ever understand, and holding her now I know that it is still there. I'm hers and she's mine.

I can never talk to Leah about this, about me and Bella. She is insanely jealous, and rightly so. I had quite the reputation when we met, and staying faithful to one woman has been the hardest challenge in my life so far. Having a healthy relationship and never cheating on my wife isn't only a challenge, it is also my dream. It always has been, ever since I was a young kid and realized that my father was unfaithful to my mother. I truly believed I was damaged, being my father's son, and that I would never be able to stay with one woman. I admire Leah for marrying me, and even though her jealousy is hard to deal with, I love her and I want to give her everything. But I can never tell her about Bella.

I make eye contact with the bartender, ordering us two beers because that's what we used to drink. I smile at her while we wait and she puts her small hand in mine. Her entire demeanour has suddenly changed, and I now see more of the girl I used to know. When our drinks have been served I drag her to the balcony outside, away from the loud music in the crowded bar. She giggles as I place her in front of me, standing behind her with my chest against her back. We silently look at the view, the people walking around, the docks far away, and the boats with their lanterns casting a shimmering light on the water. I put my arms around her and lean my chin against her head, making myself into a shell to protect her entire body.

"Bella, what's the problem?" I ask her softly. I take her hands, exploring her fingers and stroking her palms with my thumbs. That used to soothe her, and it still does.

"Well…" she hesitates for a few seconds before she continues.

"Edward and I, we're not doing so great anymore."

I hug her tightly.

"What, has he been bad to you? Because if he has, I made a promise a long time ago that involved his entrails and a tie." I make it sound like a joke, but I am serious. Not about the entrails part, of course, I'm a peaceful man after all. But I swear to whatever god there is, if he has hurt her, I will kick his ass in some way.

"No, Jake. He would never be bad. I, on the other hand…" Her voice trails off.

"You've been cheating on him, Bella?" I ask her, scolding.

"Jeez Jake, of course not!" She laughs bitterly. "Cheating would include sex, and that's not really my thing anymore." She shakes her head slightly.

Wow. Never thought Bella would be the one having issues with sex.

I hear her cry, soft and quiet. I turn her around so she is facing me, and her face is so sad and pained.

"Jake, I'm such a bad wife to him." She whispers between her sobs. I want to stop her tears; I want her to feel happy again. As I desperately think of something to say to her, an image emerges from my memories. It is an image of Bella, the very first time I laid eyes on her.

Well, to be honest, I heard her before I saw her.

We were throwing a party on campus, and everybody who wanted to be someone always came to our parties. We always had a lot of hang-around girls, kind of like groupies, which was sort of weird since we were nothing like celebrities. Usually any of us could have any of them, and whenever we showed them some sort of interest they were giggling like little girls.

Mike, the large blond jock in our group, had spotted something he liked. He was shouting and whistling, using terribly lame pickup lines, telling the girl how much he liked her looks. The girls were squealing at his sudden interest in one of them, and then I suddenly heard a loud voice shouting back at Mike. "Oh yeah?" she said, "Look real hard honey, because that's all you'll ever do!" Mike's jaw dropped and the tips of his ears turned a bright shade of red. I snickered and turned to see this girl, because no one had ever turned Mike down, and certainly not in public.

There she was. When my eyes met Bella's it was like the world around us ceased to exist. Lights, sounds and people; everything turned into a foggy mist surrounding me and her. I knew right then that this girl was special. I had no place for anybody in my heart because I was the constant Casanova, doing every woman that came my way but never letting them in. But when I looked at Bella I realized that she was already there. She already had a place in my heart.

I shake my head as I return to present time, wiping her tears away.

"Hey Bells, do you remember when we first met? I watch her eyes lighten and feel relieved that I managed to cheer her up. Keeping her safe and happy used to be one of my primary needs. It even came above having sex with gorgeous girls. I can't even remember how many easy lays I turned down because of my need for Bella. And with her, it wasn't even about the sex. Well, it kind of was. But the sex was secondary.

x.x.x

BPOV

"Jake, how could I forget that?"

I can't help but smile at him. Of course I remember when we met. His friend, Mike, who apparently thought of himself as God's gift to women, actually believed I'd be smitten with his douche bag whistles and corny compliments. As if. I had way higher standards than that, and I made it quite clear to him and anybody else who cared to listen. Besides, I already had a boyfriend.

Then I saw Jake and I lost touch with reality. Something about him ignited a spark in me, which quickly grew into a vibrant flame. He was sexy as hell, of course, which created a bit of a problem for me. The problem had a name, Eric, and he was not only my boyfriend but also the sweetest guy ever. We'd been dating since we were in high school, and being with him was more about feeling familiar and safe than actual love. Jake and I created our own little universe that night, a universe that had no place for my boyfriend. When I got home in the morning I called Eric, and had the not so pleasing experience of telling a perfectly good man that I'd met someone else.

The guilt I felt for this would haunt me forever, but I also knew that there was nothing else I could do. Staying away from Jake was not an option. We were imprinted in each others minds from the moment we met, and the feelings we shared were hard to explain to others. Many of our friends saw only the cliché of a woman loving a man, who is using her for convenient sex when he feels like it. What they failed to realize was the complexity of our feelings. Yes, we shared a sexual relationship, and were never exclusive because of Jake's womanizing habits and inability to commit. The sexual relationship wasn't the primary part of who we were to each other, though. We shared a platonic love and a friendship that extended beyond the sex, and that stayed with us even after we decided to quit sleeping together. When I felt like I was falling apart, Jake was the shield that embraced me and kept me from shattering. He was one of my lovers, and I had a few during that time, but mostly he was my best friend.

I know that my encounter with Jake wasn't all that good for me. It was cheating on Eric that set me on the downward spiral that ended with me thinking of myself as a whore. That would never have happened if I hadn't met Jake, but not once have I ever wished him out of my life. The only thing I've wished for is that I had the brains to end things with Eric earlier.

Now, when I stand at the balcony thinking about that day, I still feel a knot of guilt in my stomach for cheating on Eric. I'm not proud of myself for doing that, and even though I later punished myself enough by being with that asshole James for so long, it's still eating me inside. The most important thing I learned from it is that I'll never do it again.

x.x.x

"We were quite the team, weren't we?" Jake is smiling, remembering the past we share with each other. Then his face turns serious, and I know what he's going to ask, because that's how we are. Words aren't always necessary between us.

"I don't know what's wrong, Jake. Or, I do know, but I don't know how to fix this." Below the balcony of the bar there is a small park with bushes, flowers and a few small trees. I take his hand and we make our way downstairs and out the door. Jake sits down on the grass, leaning against a tree, and I settle myself between his legs, my back against his chest. We used to sit like this at night at campus, in the park outside the dorms. We spent night after night this way, talking and cuddling.

"So, I take it there is trouble in paradise." Jake states. "Tell me in what way, and it'll feel better, I promise."

"Okay… I don't really know where to start. I don't recognize myself anymore. We've had some trouble; I've felt like I'm doing everything at home, and I've been really tired and angry. Edward has been angry as well, mostly I guess because I'm not that affectionate towards him anymore. I don't want him to look at me or touch me, it freaks me out and I get all tense and anxious. That makes him sad of course, and I feel guilty for being a crappy wife." I stop to breathe and think of how to continue.

"Have you talked to him about helping you at home?" Jake asks me. He's gently massaging my shoulders and it relaxes me.

"Yes I have, and he's doing much more now than before. He's doing great; actually, he's being very helpful and he's really trying hard. But my issues with touching are still there," I say with a sigh.

"Still there in what way? You seem to be okay with me touching you, so touching isn't the problem." He squeezes my upper arms.

"Yes, but it's different with you, Jake! When you touch me, you have no hidden agenda, there are no wants and desires in your touches. I don't feel obligated to touch you back, or to like your touches, or to sleep with you. With you, it's just a touch with no strings attached, and I feel no pressure. It's a safe touch." I lean my head backwards and tilt it so I can look at him.

"Oh. So it's not the actual touch that bothers you, it's the things you imagine he wants with the touches. You imagine he wants to have sex. Am I right?" He raises an inquisitive eyebrow at me.

Jake always has a way of making me understand myself. He takes what I try to say, adds what he senses that I think and feel but don't articulate that well, and moulds it together so it makes sense to me.

"Yeah, I guess so… It annoys me, though. He's my husband; I should want to have sex with him. That's how it's supposed to be."

Jake nods slowly. "When was the last time you wanted to have sex with him?"

"That's a long time ago. I'm not sure I remember. It probably was before Kate was born." I close my eyes, trying to recall.

"So, you wanted him, and then Kate was born. Is that when your issues with touching began? When she was born?" He keeps throwing me questions, helping me to sort things out.

"I think so. Maybe some time after… I was so frustrated all the time, because Kate was glued to my body day and night. I was never alone; I had her clinging to me constantly. She needed me, and that was fine, but when Edward came home and wanted to hug me or touch me it got too much. I was like, 'get your hands off me, I've been touched all day and my nerves need some fucking rest'. All I wanted was for him to take Kate so I could take a shower, pee on my own, or just sit down on the couch without someone being so goddamned close. That of course also meant that sex was out of the question. If I could, I would have requested separate bedrooms."

"So, no sex then. For how long?"

"Well, since then I guess."

He snickers at me, and I know he's about to make fun of me. He always snickers like that when he's planning a joke on my behalf, and I love it.

"And your little boy, how did you manage to make him? He's like the new Jesus, apparently. The Immaculate Conception, Bella style."

I elbow him in the side, hitting his ribs quite hard. "You're such a dork… Of course we had sex a few times. The first time we had sex after Kate was born was like 9 months after the birth. I didn't breastfeed anymore, so my boobs could actually be touched without turning into milk fountains. But the sex, it hurt so badly. I wasn't prepared for that, I thought I would be all healed and good to go. I was wrong; apparently things can be fragile for quite some time because of the hormonal changes. That wasn't an entirely pleasurable experience."

"I can see that… Do you have sex at all now?"

"No, we don't. When we made Benjamin, it was an attempt to make things better between us. I was angry all the time, and I took it out on Edward, pushing him away. He was angry all the time, and he took it out on Kate, yelling at her for nothing. That of course made me even angrier with him, and it went on like that. After Benji was born, it got a little better. Then we tried to have sex again, and let's just say it didn't go well."

"How do you feel now about it?"

I shake my head and sigh. "I don't allow him to get that close to me. When Edward touches me, my body reacts in the strangest way. I get anxious, my body goes rigid, and I have trouble breathing. My heart races and my muscles coil up, as if my body is preparing to flee from him. Well, that has actually happened several times. The fleeing, that is. So that's how I feel about sex. I want to flee from it."

"That sounds like you're having an anxiety attack, Bella. You're panicking! Girl, you have some serious issues here." He fingers my neck, and I instantly feel the urge to close my eyes and lean into his touch.

"I know. We joked about it, though, about me having Edwardophobia and needing exposure therapy… That's a step in the right direction, I think, being able to joke about it."

"Well… Do you still love him? Do you remember how you felt about him?" He is fingering a strand of my hair now, gently pulling it.

"I do. I didn't think so before, I thought this aversion to his touches was about me not loving him. But I do love him, I've just forgotten where I put those feelings and I need to find them. I know how it felt, the love for him: it was passion and safety at the same time. The safety is still there, but the passion part scares me now and it makes me sad. I used to be all about passion, as you might remember, and it feels like I've lost a huge part of myself because of that."

"Bells, passion always fades. When it does it is replaced with other feelings, and they are as important as passion. You can't have passion all the time, it'll consume you. Instead of passion you get friendship and fondness. It's like a fire: at first there are these huge flames, but when the fire slows down the flames disappear, and instead you have ember, a persisting glow. Sometimes the fire ignites again, but most of the time it just glows. Just take small steps, Bella. Try to push your limits, but don't overdo it. If it's hard for you when he touches you, maybe it's easier if you touch him? Then you'll be in charge, so to speak."

I laugh at him. Who knew he would be the relationship expert? "Jake, if I'd told you ten years ago that you'd be saying this you would have died laughing. You are right, though."

"Yeah, I've learned some stuff lately. Leah teaches me. My kids do, too." He smiles at me, and I turn to face him.

"She is a wise woman. Nobody ever believed it back in the day, but I knew you always dreamt of having a family, and I'm so happy it came true for you. Keep her, Jake."

I stand up and brush some grass off my dress. Talking to Jake has helped me to straighten things out for myself, and putting it into words makes it less frightening. He knows me, inside out. This is why I need him, and also why I miss him.

"I'm ready to leave. As always, you are my knight in shining armour. Will you do me the honour of accompanying me to a cab?"

He gets up, shakes his head and wiggles his finger at me.

"Oh no, Bella. I'm no knight. That would make you the damsel in distress and I know how you hate that. You, Bella, are the knight. I am simply your shining armour.

He pulls me in a tight embrace and lifts me off the ground.

"And this shining armour would gladly get you your ride home."


A/N Of course I wouldn't make her cheat on Edward... And Jake is a good guy, he wants to take care of her. Is Bella making a little more sense, now? She is slowly beginning to understand herself, and that is the key to change.