Chapter 9: Battle against the Virus—A Really Long Chapter
The Smashers were gathered just by the door, where the force field held them from going outside. Isaac had doubts about the force field's integrity. After all, they had bypassed it by going through an underground passage dug by Snake so he could go get cigarettes. The Venus Adept looked out the open door. Right now the Hands were alternating between beating Snake and Falcon. Come to think of it, hadn't Link tossed Falcon out the window too?
Isaac moved aside as Mark walked by, completely unafraid of anything. It was a little creepy to meet somebody who was emotionless. But Isaac had seen worse. His first night at the Smash Mansion… the assist trophy shuddered. Never had he looked at Crazy Hand the same way. The knowledge that Crazy Hand was now a girl only made it worse.
Mark walked right up to the door and walked through the force field without any difficulty. When he sensed the Smashers not following, he looked back. "It's fake," he told them. Then without an explanation Mark kept walking. The leader of them all, Mario shrugged and tried to walk through the force field. He was met with no resistance and passed through. It was like there wasn't even a force field there.
So, the small army passed out into the land surrounding the mansion. They stopped as the Hands began to notice them, leaving a beaten Snake and Falcon stuck in the ground. Mark immediately snapped into action, diving the Smashers into two fronts. Then he further divided the second front into pairs. The second front consisted of Mario and Peach, Link and Samus, Zelda and Isaac, and Marth and Popo.
On the first front, Ike nudged Lyn. "Did you tell him that six of those guys are in a relationship?" he asked.
Lyn shook her head. "No. It's… sort of a flash of Mark's humanity. He puts people together who work well and get along well. Now that I think about it, practically everybody he paired became the best of friends or a couple."
"That's creepy," Ike muttered. "What about Marth and Popo?" Lyn had no answer for that one.
However, Marth and Popo's relationship wasn't difficult for them. It was that of master and apprentice. Sure, Marth was straight while Popo was bisexual, but the young Ice Climber was learning much about the frat ways from the former frat president. Plus, Marth had shown him how relaxing getting a pedicure was.
Nana was just glad her brother finally had someone to hang out with and be himself.
The Hands approached the second front and paused just in front of them. "So, you have agreed to become That Which Is One?" Master Hand asked.
"No," Mario answered. The Hands exchanged glances.
"Then why are you here?" Crazy Hand asked. "If it is death you seek, That Which Is One will deliver it. And then you will become That Which Is One regardless."
"Stuff it up your-a glove!" Mario shot back. Everyone prepped for battle.
Then DK and Luigi, who were placed at the head of the first front, paused. "Wait," DK rumbled. "Why are we facing away from the Hands?"
Mark pointed ahead of them. "For that," he answered. Just ahead of the first front, a portal was opening. Out of it began to pour the characters of Sony. Red electricity swirled around them, evidence that they were corrupted as well. The first front readied themselves.
Both Master Hand and Crazy Hand began to sputter. They gaped at Mark. "How did you do that?" they demanded. "Those had joined That Which Is One five minutes ago! There was no way you could have known!"
Mark shrugged. "I estimated the probabilities," he explained. Then he joined the first front. Ahead of the infected Sony army, Cloud and Sephiroth led the way. Those in the first front hesitated. Those two were the absolute best in Sony, equal to the top eight of the Smashers. How would they take them on? The top three were fighting against the hands. Fox was waiting somewhere where Mark had placed him. DK, Pikachu, Pit, and Kirby were there, but only DK was the most able—Pit was distracted by his candle counting.
Once again, Mark had the solution. He walked up to them and held up a hand for them to wait. Surprisingly, Cloud and Sephiroth did so. Lyn frowned. What was Mark thinking? He had never been able to fight. "You two are part of That Which Is One," Mark started. It wasn't a question.
"That's correct," Cloud and Sephiroth answered.
"So does that mean you get along now?" Mark asked.
Cloud and Sephiroth opened their mouths to say yes, they did get along and had the whole thing behind them. However, what came out was not what the virus had intended them to say. Both swordsman thrust pointed fingers at each other, hatred evident in their eyes.
"I HATE HIM!" they roared at each other. In a flash both had shaken off the virus and were busy trying to kill each other.
"You %#^%&*#)*&%^#)&**%! You stole Aeris from me! And that was after you killed her in game!" Cloud raged.
"Screw you! She just wanted a real man, not some doping blonde idiot!" Sephiroth shot back. "Besides, mine's bigger!"
The first front of Nintendo's fighters watched them rage back and forth, flying through the battle, sky, and epic murder music. Yeah; Cloud was still pissed off that Sephiroth stole Aeris, and Sephiroth still held a paranoid hatred of Cloud that Aeris would go back. Aeris had never realized what an issue switching roommates would make.
Mark, genius that he was, sounded for their attention and gestured ahead. "The Sony army is still coming," he noted. "Kirby, copy Altair. Fox, bring your fighters into the air and go after aerial threats. Mewtwo and Lucario, charge a blast that will divide their army in half." Then the tactician drew a blade as he waited for them to follow his commands.
Kirby did copy Altair. Upon spitting him back out, Kirby got a white hood and a little hidden blade on his arm. Kirby thought it was the coolest he'd ever looked; everyone else thought he looked cute. Altair felt honored to be the target of Kirby's copy ability. He raised his hands to the heavens. "His great Lord Kirby has blessed me! Assassins, rise! Defend our Lord!" he prayed.
From the closet, every assassin in the creed was suddenly ripped to their senses. The door was snapped in half as they poured out to join their lord. Ezio, Desmond, Lucy, and every other assassin from the Creed games arrived to follow their master into battle. Pikachu inspected Kirby thoughtfully—perhaps he could create a secret sect in his dictatorship that would not only allow him to assassinate disbelievers, but prevent Kirby from forming a sect against him.
Meanwhile, Fox's small armada of him, Falco, Wolf, and Metaknight lifted off into the air as Mewtwo and Lucario finished charging their blast. "Fire," Mark ordered, and they did so. It shot off and forced the Sony army to split in half to avoid being disintegrated. Then Mark lifted his blade and charged off, not even bothering to made a war cry.
The first front stared at the tactician. "I thought you said he couldn't fight," DK said. "He's either crazy, brave, or… okay, it's definitely not stupid. Probably crazy."
Ike lifted his sword up. "Or he expects us to back him up and not sit here talking," he remarked, and ran forward after Mark. The first front erupted into a charge, battle cries resounding as they burst into action against the Sony army. They clashed, and the battle began.
Fox's armada arrived on the scene to find dozens of Dragon's from the Lair game flying at them. "Take them down," Fox ordered, and the armada split up. One Dragon flew at Fox's ship and the pilot dived down. As the dragon raced after him, Fox pulled a Crazy Ivan. He soared past the surprised dragon, letting a missile fly in its face as he flew to his next target.
On the ground, Kirby and his cult assassins were engaged with several of the Final Fantasy characters, using their hidden blades to maximum efficiency. A thud made them pause. The titans of Shadows of the Colossus had arrived. "My Lord!" Altair called. "Let me deal with this!"
The top assassin ran towards the towering giant, unafraid of death for devotion. He leapt onto his feet and flattened himself to avoid being swiped off. Then he began climbing up the colossus's leg, jumping to avoid being grabbed. Once he reached a good spot, Altair leapt onto the hand trying to grab at him and climbed up that, sticking his hidden blade into the creature's arm. It tried to grab at him again, and Altair revealed an Apple of Eden.
It made him invisible as he raced up to the head. There, Altair put poison on his blade and stabbed as hard as he could. The poison seeped into the colossus's body, and it collapsed to the ground, killed by the assassin. Altair got to his feet to see the others descending towards him. He raised his blade to charge at them when they vanished.
He looked over to see a very full Kirby grinning contently. Altair bowed down to him.
Elsewhere on the battlefield, Ike and Lyn were fighting the deadly Kratos, whose battle wrath was tearing through the Nintendo Lines. Behind him, Leon and Redfield were shooting down anyone who dared get back up. Lyn sheathed her sword and build power as Kratos charged. Ike flew up into the air and came down on Kratos with Aether. The God of War blocked it, only to leave himself open for Lyn's dash.
Behind him, Leon and Redfield took cover as Ganondorf blasted at them with magic. They stood up and began firing, only for their shots to be blocked by Ganondorf's magic. Then DK seized them from behind and smacked their heads together. Afterward he broke all of their limbs and tossed them aside. "Who else stole my bananas?" the ape roared.
"He did," Ganondorf lied, pointing at Ratchet. The techie looked up to see a howling mad super ape coming at him. He did the smart thing and put Nathan Drake between them. Nathan Drake looked up to see a fist. Then he saw nothing.
Kratos laughter his sadism as he slashed at a vulnerable Lyn. Ike leapt in front of her to take the blow. Both of them were knocked aside, Ike with a dangerous cut. Lyn glared and drew the Sol Katti, intent on killing Kratos herself. She was stopped by a hand on her shoulder. Lyn looked behind her to see Palutena.
"Please, allow me to finish this," Palutena offered. "I have unfinished business with this fool." Kratos's eyes widened as he saw Palutena come at him with her spear staff. The demigod remembered his last encounters with her and took off screaming.
Lyn took a stance as Dollface arrived to finish off Ike. Roy and a bruised Mark took stances next to her to lend a hand. Ike forced himself to his feet and readied for another round.
X
As the first front fought the Sony army, the second smaller front was struggling against the two near omnipotent Hands. The two Hands had smothered the Smashers together the last time they had fought, and it was only due to Mark's planning they had a chance this time.
The genius had discovered a way to combine special attacks together. It had come to him and he'd figured it out in all of about five minutes while planning their attack against the virus. Already, one pair had proved its usefulness in doing so.
Marth and Popo, fast friends over a shared secret as well as frat brotherhood, had performed the first combo attack. Popo had summoned the glacier that he always did during Final Smashes, towering over the Hands. Marth had then used his Final Smash on the glacier itself, hitting it at just the right angle. It shattered into a million sharp pieces which had then zipped into the Hands with painful results.
But, the problem with combining attacks was that it completely exhausted the ones involved. After they had done so, Marth and Popo had barely been able to fight back. Now it was practically down to six, but that single combined attack had done enough damage to weaken the Hands considerably.
Mario leaned out of Master Hand as he rocketed by, and Peach threw a vegetable on him. Both Hands began to combine to form a super attack of their own. Mario and Peach refused to let them. "Back up!" he shouted to the other four. Samus yanked Link back with the grapple beam as Isaac constructed a wall of stone.
The top Smasher put his hands together and fired his Final Smash. He aimed at the sky. Crazy Hand paused to wonder what on earth Mario was doing when Peach acted. Taking her umbrella, she stood next to Mario and began to spin her umbrella. The fire gained a tinge of pink as it spun around with the umbrella.
Mario fueled more fire and Peach spun her umbrella faster. The spinning twisting flames grew in intensity until they had formed a raging tornado of flaming death. Crazy Hand looked at her sibling. "Screw Mark," she stated. Mario and Peach then heaved and flung the tornado in the Hands' direction. They attempted to fly away from it, but its lethal suction ripped them in.
Fire raged and licked at the hands, dropping them to the ground before the tornado inverted on itself and put the last of its strength into a fiery smash. The Hands rose, a bit slower than before, but still able to fight. However, now Mario and Peach were out of the fight as well. Link urged both them and Marth and Popo to help the others.
Isaac and Link dodged attacks and found themselves back to back. "So did you know?" Isaac asked, a little curious. Was Link the reason Zelda had asked for it to be secret.
"I end up saving her every week from Ganondorf. It was obvious from my end," Link answered, firing an arrow at Master Hand. Isaac followed up with a blow from Ragnarok. "Maybe it's because of Ganondorf."
"Makes sense," Isaac agreed. They ducked beneath giant bullets.
"One last thing," Link warned. "Zelda's as much as my sister as Toon Link is my brother. Mess with her, and Ganondorf will pity you." Then he leapt at the Hands, Master Sword blazing.
Isaac watched him fight for a sec. "That's just great to hear in a fight. Let's pay attention now," Isaac remarked sarcastically. He exchanged glances with Zelda, and she nodded. It was time for their combined attack now. Isaac struck out at the Hands with his Djinni, waiting until four of them were ready.
Once they were, Isaac lifted his sword up into the air and summoned. The bringer of Judgment descended and unleashed his power. The wave of annihilation began to sweep towards the Hands. Zelda drew her light bow and waited for the wave to pass her by. Once it had, Zelda took aim and fired. The Light Arrow zipped forward with the speed of light.
The arrow did not pass up the Judgment wave, though. Instead, it drove force behind it. The giant wave became a spear-headed point of death, aimed for a single target. Master Hand didn't even have time to check his glove before he was struck by the concentrated force. Unable to go any further, the Hand dropped to the earth, unable to continue on.
Zelda and Isaac were out of the fight, but they had taken down one of the Hands. Only Crazy Hand was left. Angry, the female Hand swung at Link and Samus. The two jumped out of the way. Crazy Hand had to be as weak as Master Hand had about now. Their combined attack should be enough to finish off the last Hand.
Samus pointed her cannon at Crazy Hand, and Link put his Triforce Hand on her cannon. The beam started to charge… only for Crazy Hand to shoot a laser at Samus.
It pierced through Samus's armor and struck her shoulder, jerking Samus to her side and stopping the combined attack from starting. The bounty hunter grunted painfully as she hit the ground. Her armor was blaring warnings at her that her suit was compromised. Her injured arm thankfully wasn't her cannon, but it still hurt. Real panic showed when the suit warned her that a majority of her shoulder tendons had been damaged.
Link dropped to a knee next to Samus, fear all over his face. He took her helmet off and held her head under his arm. "Samus," he muttered.
She grunted again and looked up at him. "What?" Samus muttered, attempting to shrug off her own fear. She wasn't in favor of losing her arm.
"Did you really think that would work?" Crazy Hand asked, floating above them. The Hand appeared to be mocking Samus's condition. "Did you think I would just sit there and allow you to hit me? I am part of That Which Is One! We cannot fail!"
Samus felt the hand holding her head tighten. She frowned and looked at Link. Something dangerous was showing on his face. What was he about to do? He couldn't take on Crazy Hand alone. "Link," she warned.
Link stood up, hand tightening on the hilt of the Master Sword. "Sorry Samus," he muttered. She glared at him to stop being stupid. "This is my fault for holding back."
The Triforce on his hand began to glow.
On the other side of the battlefield, Toon Link's hand lit up as well. He didn't know exactly what was going on, but he understood enough. He lifted up the Master Sword just as Link did, and they vanished into light. Link appeared out of the light he'd vanished into.
Crazy Hand shrugged. "So you absorbed the rest of your soul. You can't stop me, even with a complete piece of the Triforce. I am That Which Is One."
"I'm not done," Link argued. The Triforce still blazing on his hand, objects he had collected before appeared around him. Crazy Hand startled in surprise as Link reached for the Fused Shadow. Shadow magic began to swirl around him as well as the Triforce now.
Then he reached for the Fierce Deity mask. Link became covered within light. Samus watched, partially awed, as the Fierce Deity Link emerged from the light, swinging his massive curved sword. The power of the Fused Shadow from before still was apparent, currently in the shape of black wings. But still, Link wasn't done.
Crazy Hand started to feel fear as Deity Link, aided by Fused Shadows and the Triforce, put the Majora's Mask on. Link had purged it of evil long ago in another life, and now it was his willing ally. The amount of power he was putting out spiked. But then the Hand paled. One more object waited to be drawn, and the Hero reached for it.
The Four Sword.
In a blaze of light—there were quite a few of those now—Crazy Hand found herself against four Links, each with power being granted from the Triforce of Courage, Fused Shadows, Master Sword, Fierce Deity Mask, Majora's Mask, and the Four Sword. The four Links, differentiated by a color on the shoulder of their white tunics, glared at Crazy Hand from behind their Majora's Masks. A third blade had been added to their curved ones to represent the Four Sword.
Crazy Hand did the only thing she could against the power arrayed against her. "This is so unfair," she grumbled. "Isn't this Mary Sueing or something?"
The Links burst into action. Two of them raced at Crazy Hand while two flew back to assist against the Sony army. The two against Crazy brought their swords down as the Hand attempted to fight with a power punch. The punch was stopped effortlessly and the second Link slammed Crazy into the earth. Crazy attacked with the same lasers that had injured Samus. Both Links used their Triforce pieces, combined with Fused Shadows, to neutralize their attack. Their Majora's Masks then sent a wave of power back at the Hand.
Samus watched as Link put all of his power out on the line, using it to dissemble Crazy Hand. Now she understood what he meant by holding back. Whenever Link had fought before, he'd only used the items he'd gathered in one life. Link had had several lives, and he could call on all of them when he wanted to. She suspected he didn't do that very often.
It also explained why on earth she could never beat him to get second seat when it mattered. That pissed her off.
Groaning with the pain, the bounty hunter got to her feet. Behind her, the third and fourth Link were decimating the Sony army and leaving them as scraps. They returned to battle Crazy Hand—which the Hand started complaining about as well—while Samus charged her cannon with her good arm. It was difficult to aim with her other arm to steady the cannon, but it would have to do.
Once it was charged, Samus called out to Link. They looked down to see Samus ready. One Link flew down to her side, removing his Majora's Mask so that their eyes could meet. Samus knew one thing; that was the 'original' Link that had come down to her. He placed his Triforce hand on her cannon to help steady her.
Crazy saw the overkill coming and tried to flee, but the other three Links jammed their swords into her and locked her in place. Samus and Link fired, just as Link released the Four Sword. His clones disappeared as they fired. The beam, shaped in the form of the Triforce with the three parts spiraling together, slammed into Crazy and exploded.
They watched as the Hand dropped, overcome from the sheer power of their attack. Samus felt her energy leave her and steadied herself against a rock. She looked over at Link, who was removing the Fierce Deity Mask, Majora's Mask, and Fused Shadows from himself as well.
The Smashers gathered to their position under Mark's commands as Link's soul split itself. Toon Link appeared again, drawn in light. The nine year old thought hard, and then complained. "Dang it! I don't remember what we—or I, I guess—I don't remember anything! What happened?"
Ganondorf grunted and gestured to the dead battlefield around the mansion; it was strewn with the mess left by Link's rampage. Ganondorf was glad Link never felt the need to do that to him. Roy was beside himself with how long it would take to grow everything back. Toon Link cheered as he saw the destruction he'd caused.
Samus turned to Link to see what he remembered—only to find the hero completely passed out. Using that much had dropped him faster than Sonic running away from Amy.
Mark walked out past all of them, unperturbed by the mess. He had predicted it with mathematical probability. He stopped at the Hands. Their beating had literally destroyed the virus in them. Master Hand got up slowly, holding himself. "Ugh, my head," he groaned. Master Hand wished there had been a less violent way to return him to his senses. "Crazy, are you all right?"
Crazy Hand sat up, even more slowly than Master Hand. She looked at her brother for a long time, and then said a single word. "Yellow?" she asked.
"Dang it!" Master Hand whined. "I was hoping you'd still be sane, but Link must have hit you way too hard. Where is that fool?"
"Passed out from exhaustion," Samus answered.
"Oh. Well, what now?" Master Hand asked.
Mark, of course, had an answer. He laid out the simplest plan of them all to the Hands. "Use your power," Mark explained. "You can generate enough heat to destroy the asteroid and the virus it houses."
"I can't," Master Hand replied. Everyone caught their breath. "I just got beaten into a pulp. I don't have the strength to summon enough energy. And Crazy… well, I just wish she was sane again."
Crazy looked over at Master Hand. "Poop?" she asked, expression lighting up.
"NO!" everyone screamed, remembering the hydra. Crazy Hand pouted and sat down and began drawing in the mud.
Their tactician sighed. He had expected this, but the probability had been in his favor… Mark began to think. "Then we need a object with enough heat and energy to scourge the virus," Mark muttered aloud. He folded his arms and thought, unafraid or pressured of the asteroid close to descending on the mansion. Finally, his head shot up with the only emotion anyone had seen on his face; it was that of realization of an idea. "Goddess Palutena, it's your birthday today."
"It is," Palutena agreed, feeling a little resentful on the matter. She wished she were a million years younger. Then she frowned. Usually her loving little captain had assaulted her with presents by now. Where was he? The Smashers looked around, and it was Mewtwo who stared in the right direction.
"Palutena!" Pit called, waving happily. "Look what I made you!" Behind him, floating in the air, was Palutena's birthday cake.
Everyone stared at the confection. It was freaking huge, with enough mass that even Kirby couldn't eat it in one bite. Pit had also succeeded in collecting all of the candles he'd needed. As a result Fourteen Million candles adorned the cake. They jutted out in every single direction, giving the appearance that it was actually a giant fiery ball of death. In fact, the only reason the Smashers knew there was even a cake inside the fire was that they knew Pit wouldn't get Palutena a fiery ball of death for her birthday.
"I think I burned it a little in the oven," Pit admitted a little guiltily. Wolf snorted. If it hadn't been burned before, it definitely was now. Come to think of it, where had Pit gotten an oven that freaking big? Why was the cake even floating?
Mark appraised the cake, and acknowledged that there was enough heat and energy within the candles alone to do the job. Palutena approached Pit. "Pit, you know what would make me really happy?" Palutena asked him. Pit's eyes bulged with excitement and his head bobbed as he nodded. She leaned towards him and whispered in his ear.
Without a second's hesitation, Pit flung the cake at the asteroid. The asteroid was getting closer to the mansion when it was abruptly hit by the giant blazing birthday cake. The heat acted as Mark predicted, scourging the virus in the asteroid with a painful screeching noise. Then the asteroid exploded, disintegrating in the atmosphere.
It was a sight of awe for most of the Smashers. Around them, those that had been infected by the virus were freed from its clutches. The day was saved, and the Smashers were grateful. For some of them, however… "Did we seriously just save the day with a cake?" Master Hand asked.
Fox shrugged. "For once, I'm not going to question it."
However, it wasn't quite over. After the assassins had leapt from the closet to follow Lord Kirby, they had left the door smashed open. And later, Mewtwo had been too busy fighting to keep good control on all the reporters.
The Smashers fell all over themselves as a reporter came out towards them. Master and Crazy Hand made a cross at the reporter as she got closer. "So Smashers," she started, a camera in her hands. "What do you have to say about the condition of the Mansion, the missing asteroid, why I was locked in a closet, and—"
Captain Falcon landed in front of the reporter, struck a pose, and shouted, "Falcon!"
Every one of the Smashers sighed. Then they gaped at what happened next.
The reporter squealed in excitement and jumped into Falcon's arms, forgetting her devious interview. A big grin on Falcon's face, they watched as he kicked open the door to his room and then shut it behind them.
…
…
"Captain Falcon has fans?" Mark asked, blown sideways.
"There's going to be an epilogue, right?" Master Hand shouted out at the author's computer. "There better be! Because there's no way I'm about to end this story with Falcon getting laid."
No, neither would I. But the chapter, yes.
"I'm going to clog your toilet."
