Recipe for Disaster
Chapter 9: Find My Way Back
Once the lights dim all around me, I briefly close my eyes before opening them back up and locking onto hers. She's still just as beautiful as ever. I wonder how I've managed to go on this long without seeing her face every single day.
Something always brings me back to you
As I stare deep into Brittany's electrifying blue orbs, I can't help but feel like it's only me and her in the room.
It never takes too long
As I sing to Brittany with all of the emotion and conviction inside of me, I try and soak up every single moment I get to share with her because they all seem fleeting as of late.
No matter what I say or do
I still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone
I reach out to grab Brittany's hand, but I can't. She's so close to me, yet I feel like she's out of reach somehow.
Set me free, leave me be…
I step off of the stage and make my way towards Brittany. She hasn't moved from her spot, yet I can't seem to get any closer to her than I already am.
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity
I close my eyes and reach for her again, but I'm still unable to touch her. When I open my eyes again, she seems further away than I remember.
Here I am and I stand
So tall, just the way I'm supposed to be
With every blink of my eyes, Brittany gets further and further away from me. I don't understand… is she trying to get away from me?
"Brittany, wait…" I yell out as my hand reaches for her. She raises her arm out to me, but I still can't grasp it.
But you're on to me
And all over me…
As I continue to stare at Brittany, completely confused, my vision of her gets distorted with the onset of tears streaming down my face.
"Please… don't leave me again…" I desperately plea as the sight of her slowly fades away. "Please…"
Free your mind
And the rest will follow…
My body violently jolts forward, leaving my head feeling a little woozy and disoriented. As I reach down to find something to hold on to, all I feel is the dampness of my sheets and the sweat dripping off of my body.
Be color blind
Don't be so shallow
As I finally gather my bearings and see that I'm in my bed at my apartment, I realize that my phone is going off.
"Hello?" I say, my throat feeling a bit scratchy.
"Geez, San… you sound like shit," Quinn greets me.
"Well, good morning to you to," I reply sarcastically.
"For real though, are you okay?" Quinn says a little more seriously.
"Honestly… not really," I simply state.
"What happened S? Another bad dream…" Quinn inquires.
"Yeah, unfortunately…" I respond.
You see, ever since my mom came to visit, I've been having these really bad dreams… nightmares really. They always start differently, but ultimately end the same. They end with me all alone… without Brittany. That's the thing I couldn't understand about it though… I've never been one to put much stock in dreams, but this seemingly re-occurring one not only really sucked ass, but it also felt so real.
In the dream, I'm usually serenading Brittany. However, every time I try to get close enough to just touch her, she disappears or slowly fades away. I just don't get it… I feel like fate had finally brought us back together after all of the hardships we've both had to face over the years, yet my subconscious was steadily keeping us apart.
What made this even worse besides the damp sheets and cold sweats is that it was having a reverse effect on me in terms of contacting Brittany. After I faced my fear of singing again, I thought that would build my confidence enough to face my other fear of seeing Brittany. However, since the nightmares started immediately after that performance and had continued every night since then, my level of fear has increased tenfold.
Isn't it ironic, don't ya think?
"Santana, are you even listening to me?" Quinn says, exasperated.
"Sorry, I kinda zoned out," I reply.
"Yeah, I figured as much," she responds. "When are you gonna talk to Brittany? And I swear to God, if you say I don't know… I'm gonna come through this phone and slap the shit outta you!"
"Uh… soon then?" I respond carefully. "What am I supposed to say to her, Q?"
"Oh, I don't know… how bout the truth, you dumbass!" Quinn says harshly.
"If this little pep talk was supposed to make me feel better," I start off, "then I must say… you're doing a really shitty job!"
"I'm sorry S, but I don't know what else to do," Quinn replies more calmly. "I've tried being considerate and understanding, but it's about time someone's lit a fire under your ass!"
"Well, maybe you should dial it back a notch cuz Puck already tried that and was quickly put in his place," I state simply.
I know that Puck meant well, but he really just caught me at a bad time. I may have said some choice words to him, words that he probably didn't understand because they were in Spanish, but nevertheless, I probably owe him an apology. I know that he probably didn't take anything I said to heart cuz that's just the way we talk to each other sometimes… he's my bro and at the end of the day, we love each other and always have each other's backs.
"Santana… I know that you're scared," Quinn tries again, "but letting that fear consume you is only gonna end up making you push Brittany away…"
I take a second to let Quinn's words sink in. I know she's right, but it's so hard for me to just forget about everything and really put myself out there. I never want to be or feel as vulnerable as I did the day I lost Brittany. However, if I don't get over myself and put everything on the line… I may end up losing her for good.
"Brittany cares about you… but she won't wait forever," Quinn finishes.
"I know," I respond weakly, "but… what if she's better off without me?"
"Santana… I hate using this word, but it seems appropriate," Quinn starts off. "You are my best friend and I love you to death, but if you honestly believe that Britt would be better off without you… then you're fucking retarded!"
I lightly chuckle to myself at Quinn's choice of words. Being a lawyer, usually her wording is so elegant and politically correct. However, lately her words have been sailor-like when it comes to me. I think I may have finally corrupted her! Winning…
"Okay, fine… I'll stop being a little bitch and man up," I reply. "Geez Fabray… you kiss your mother with that mouth of yours?"
"You're one to talk," she responds back playfully.
"Where do you think I got this potty mouth from?" I counter back.
It's true… any form of bad behavior on my part can be traced back to the Maribel Lopez.
"Yeah… you got me there," Quinn concedes. "Just hurry up and get off of your ass!"
"Fine… later biatch," I casually state.
"Bye skank," Quinn replies before hanging up.
Of course Quinn and I couldn't just be normal and say goodbye to each other like regular people. Hmm… maybe I need to find better friends? Nevermind… that sounds like a lot of extra work on my part. I'm lazy like that.
Oh well…
Back in Lima…
As Brittany sits, anxiously drumming her fingers along any surface she can find, she waits for her row to be called so that she can board her flight. So many things are running through her head as she thinks about the past week. Ever since she saw the video of Santana singing, she had become so enamored and in complete awe. She wanted to hear more… she needed to hear more.
Luckily for Brittany though, with Santana's newly found confidence to perform again, she had received a new video from Marley every day after that initial one. Although the Latina had yet to physically contact Brittany again, her song selection spoke volumes to the blonde, unbeknownst to Santana. Even though Brittany had hoped that Santana would've been the first one to reach out after discovering the true nature of their relationship from Quinn, she understood the possible hesitation.
Up until this point, Brittany had been very patient, giving Santana time to figure out whatever it was that she needed to. However, after not hearing ANYTHING from the Latina for almost 2 weeks… Brittany was tired of waiting. And so, here Brittany waits… ready to board the plane that would take her back to Santana.
Once Brittany is allowed onto the plane, she takes her seat and immediately sends a text to Marley to let her know that she is on her way. Tonight, Brittany wouldn't need to wait for one of Marley's daily videos of Santana singing. Tonight… Brittany intended on seeing it firsthand.
After the flight attendants finish performing their pre-flight safety checks, Brittany puts her ear buds in and closes her eyes. She instinctively reaches into her pocket and pulls out the silver band that was meant to be hers 6 years ago. As she twirls it around her finger, she wonders what Santana's reaction will be once they are face-to-face again. At this point, all Brittany can do is hope for the best.
After Brittany touches down in LA, she is greeted by Puck, who immediately takes her to Maribel's.
"Are you nervous about tonight?" the mohawk-haired boy asks.
"A little… I just don't want her to be upset or feel like I'm ambushing her," Brittany responds.
"I'm sure it will be okay," Puck replies. "More than anything, I think she's just scared of losing you again… that's why she's been lashing out at me and probably why she hasn't contacted you."
"But why can't she just tell me that instead of keeping me in the dark and making me wonder where we stand?" Brittany inquires.
"Santana can be very stubborn," Puck states simply. "Honestly, I'm glad that you've taken the reins on this."
"What do you mean?" Brittany asks.
"Nothing really… it's just that back then, Santana was usually the one that took the initiative and was brave enough to finally admit her feelings for you," Puck starts off. "But now, it's like the complete opposite… it's kinda refreshing to see this vulnerable side to her. You're the only person that has that type of effect on her."
"Honestly… I feel the same way about her," Brittany responds. "Even with the memory loss, I've never felt like this before or wanted to know someone so badly," she continues. "Santana is like a drug that I don't mind getting hooked on."
Puck looks over and smiles at Brittany.
"It's good to have you back, Brittany…" he says sincerely. Brittany smiles back in return.
Once Brittany arrives at the restaurant, Marley sets her up in a secluded table towards the back where she would still have a good view of Santana, but also be less likely to be seen by her while performing. After she takes her seat, Marley heads to the stage to give Santana her introduction.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the next performer to take the stage is our very own Head Chef and Owner, Santana Lopez!" Marley announces.
As the patrons quietly applaud and give their undivided attention, Santana takes the stage at approximately 8 o'clock, like clockwork.
"Thank you guys… I hope you've all been enjoying your meals," Santana says as everyone around her nods their heads in appreciation. "Anyways, I won't bore you to death with my talking. This song is dedicated to someone very special in my life…"
And with those last words, the soft keys of the piano begin to play in the background and echo throughout the room.
All along, it was a fever
A cold sweat, hot-headed believer
Brittany audibly gasps at her recognition of the song. Luckily for her though, Santana didn't notice, due to the dim lighting of the room.
I threw my hands in the air and said, "Show me something…"
As Santana closes her eyes, Brittany can't help but stare at her, in all of her glory. Her voice simply amazes Brittany and captures her like no one has ever before.
She said, "If you dare, come a little closer…"
As Santana opens her eyes again, she scans the room to gauge her audience's reception of the song.
Round and around and around and around we go…
Oh… now, tell me now, tell me now, tell me now you know
Brittany is at a loss for words as she hangs on every syllable that comes out of the Latina's beautiful mouth.
Her voice is even more mesmerizing in person, Brittany thinks to herself.
Not really sure how to feel about it
Something in the way you move
Makes me feel like I can't live without you
It takes me all the way
I want you to stay…
As Brittany listens intently to the lyrics, she can't help but think that Santana is speaking to her directly.
Does she know about the videos Marley's been sending me, the blonde wonders.
Ooh… the reason I hold on
As these particular lyrics leave Santana's mouth, she closes her eyes again and pictures Brittany's face.
Ooh… cause I need this hole gone
Santana closes her eyes even tighter, reeling from the emptiness she's felt since Brittany's been missing from her life.
Funny you're the broken one
But I'm the only one who needed saving
A silent tear falls from Brittany's eye as she watches Santana's face scrunch up from all of the pain she's had to endure. It takes all of the blonde's energy to remain seated instead of rushing up on stage and taking Santana into her arms.
Cause when you never see the light
It's hard to know which one of us is caving
As the song comes to the end, Santana receives a standing ovation from the crowd. As she quickly wipes away any traces of wetness from her face while giving a silent 'thanks' to her patrons, she quickly exits the stage and heads back towards the kitchen.
"Wow…" Brittany says breathlessly.
"Amazing, right?" Marley says, approaching Brittany's table.
"Words can't even describe…" Brittany trails off wiping the tears away from her face that had formed during Santana's performance. "I don't know if I can follow that…"
"You'll be fine… just give it a few minutes to gather yourself," Marley states. "Also, it will give Santana some time to re-group before I bring her out here."
"Okay," Brittany replies.
As Marley walks away, Brittany replays in her head what she had been rehearsing for days. After building up enough courage and taking a few deep breaths, she's finally ready to step out of her comfort zone to fight for what she wants… Santana.
Once I make it back to my safety net of the kitchen, I take a few deep, calming breaths to gather myself. With all of the anxiety I've been having lately as a result of all of the bad dreams, I felt like that song expressed exactly what I wanted and feared the most.
Back then, sometimes the best and only way I could express myself was through music. Maybe that's the key to finally telling Brittany how much I still love her and want to be with her. To be honest though, it would be much easier if Brittany had just been here to hear me sing that song that was obviously about her. Ya know, for a minute there, I thought I actually saw her in the crowd towards the back. My eyes were so blurry from the tears that my mind was playing tricks on me, I guess.
"Santana… that was amazing!" Marley exclaims as she enters the kitchen.
"Thanks Marley," I reply back with a smile.
"The crowd was going crazy out there! Why have you been hiding that beautiful voice from us?" Marley questions.
"It's a long story… I'm just glad that I'm finally getting it back though," I respond.
I'm sure that Marley probably could've pieced together the puzzle by my statements, seeing that she is dating Jake, whom is related to Puck. It's not that I don't trust Marley or consider her a friend… it's just the history between me and Brittany is long and complicated. Plus, no matter how much I like Marley, I am still her boss and this is a working environment.
"Anyways, I think you should come back out there… the people wanna hear more," Marley states.
"I really should get back to work," I reply. "Plus, I don't have another song prepared for tonight."
"That's okay, I think they just want you to come back out there so they can praise you some more," Marley says confidently.
I quirk my eyebrow up, feeling like my cute little hostess is up to something. After I can't get a read on Marley's facial expressions, I reluctantly follow her out to the dining area. As I am led to a table that is set dead center in front of the stage, Marley tells me to wait here as she hops back on stage.
"Alrighty guys… wasn't Santana amazing?!" Marley states.
The patrons begin to applaud again. I shyly duck my head as I feel all of these eyes on me.
"Although that might be a hard act to follow, we do have a special guest up next," she begins. "All the way from Lima, OH… everyone please put your hands together for Brittany Pierce!"
My eyes immediately go wide as I hear Brittany's name being announced. As I quickly look back and forth around the dining room, my eyes finally land on Brittany as she's walking onto the stage.
"Good evening everyone," Brittany starts off. "Compared to Santana, my voice probably sucks…" she trails off as her eyes finally lock with mine, "… but I think the message is what's the most important part."
As Brittany gives a nod to the pianist, a soft melody begins to travel across the room and into my ears.
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
Brittany's first couple of notes start off a little shaky, but it's still just as beautiful as ever. Her voice had never been as strong as her dancing ability, but I love it just the same. It's so angelic and something I will never get tired of.
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true... I was made for you
As Brittany continues to sing, she never breaks eye contact with me. I'm still shocked by the fact that she's really here right now, only feet away from me. I'm almost afraid to blink because what if I do and this ends up being just another horrible dream?
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby, I broke them all for you
I feel the tears starting to accumulate in my eyes, but I don't care. Every word that is coming out of Brittany's beautiful mouth is exactly what I've needed to hear. Her words tell me that I haven't been the only one feeling like this.
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do and I was made for you
Even after being separated for 6 years, somehow… Brittany found her way back to me. As her words pierce through my ears and straight to my heart, I start to think; maybe, just maybe… she's in love with me too.
It's true... I was made for you
As Brittany finishes the song, she receives massive praise from the patrons of my restaurant. As I look at her tear-filled eyes, I get a bit overwhelmed and start feeling like my oxygen supply is cutting off. I feel like I did that very first day back in high school when I first ran into Brittany in the hallways of McKinley. I feel like I did just over a month ago when I saw her again for the first time in several years. I feel the same way that I always have whenever it comes to a new beginning with Brittany… completely breathless.
Once I stand up from the table, I quickly make my way back towards the kitchen and outside to the alley that I had taken refuge in many times before. As I intake a large amount of air from the cool night's breeze, I hear the back kitchen door open. As I slowly turn around, I come face-to-face with the woman who had stolen my heart from the very first time her ocean blue eyes locked onto mine.
"That song was about you, ya know?" Brittany states simply, fidgeting with her fingers.
"Yeah… I know," I lamely reply, not knowing what else to say at this moment.
"I know the reasons why I haven't reached out to you since my visit with Quinn…" she begins. "But why haven't you? I figured you would've been relieved once I found out about us… at least you wouldn't have to pretend anymore..."
And there it is… the million dollar question that everyone keeps asking me. But it's different this time because the person I owe the answer to is right in front of me. Feeling so disappointed in myself, I break eye contact with Brittany and stare at the ground below. She deserves better than that from me, but for some reason, I feel like I can't stop letting her down.
"Santana… you can't keep running away from me," Brittany states sternly, gently grabbing one of my hands. The initial contact made me a little light-headed as I now stare at our combined hands. "This…" she continues, motioning between the two of us with her free hand, "will never have a chance of working if you shut me out."
I know that she's right… of course she's right. Why is it so fucking hard for me to just tell her all of the things I've been dying to tell her since she came back into my life? Oh, that's right… I'm a coward! John Wayne once said that "Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway." Maybe it's time for me to put my big girl pants back on and stop being such a pansy.
"I'm scared, Brittany…" I finally admit out loud to her. "I'm still in love with you… actually, I never stopped loving you."
I pause for a brief moment, letting out a long breath that I had been holding for quite some time. I still can't bring myself to look into her eyes again. However, from my peripheral vision, I can see that Brittany's face remains stoic as she nods her head for me to continue. I then find her free hand and link it with mine.
"I have all of these feelings and emotions for you that I don't know what to do with. They've only grown stronger with each day," I continue, squeezing her hands softly to help convey my message. "When I lost you before, my world nearly ended. I was depressed and really felt like my life had no meaning or purpose without you in it," I state, feeling the tears starting to build up again. "When you were taken away from me, I stopped being me completely..."
Brittany briefly untangles our hands to wipe the stray tears that had started to fall down my cheek. I then move my hands to wrap around her lower back before I bury my face into her chest. All of this is beginning to be too much for me to handle. However… instead of running away this time, I pull Brittany closer to me, hoping that she will never let me go.
"I want you back, Britt… I want to be an us again," I sob into her shoulder. "I know you don't remember all of those feelings that you used to have for me, but maybe someday you could… maybe someday you might fall back in love with me…"
Brittany still doesn't say anything. Instead, she tightens her grip on me and softly coos into my ear. It's very soothing and definitely calms me down. With my courage starting to re-appear, I slightly pull my head away from her body so that I can look into her eyes.
"I need you, Brittany… without you, my life doesn't make sense," I say barely about a whisper. "Even if your friendship…" I pause momentarily, trying my best not to fall apart again. "If your friendship is the only thing that I ever get to have again, then that wo—"
Before I can finish the speech that I had rehearsed so many times for this exact occasion, my words are cut short as I feel something that I haven't felt in 6 years… the warmth of Brittany's lips on mine. I'm feeling so many things right now and none of them seem real. I remain frozen in place with my eyes closed until I feel Brittany's hands on my face, pulling me closer. I timidly reciprocate as my hands clutch the fabric of her shirt. Brittany must've sensed that something was off because she immediately stopped moving her lips and detached them from mine.
"San, what's wrong?" Brittany asks cautiously. I say nothing. "Santana… look at me."
"I can't…" I stutter out. "As much as I want to, I just can't."
"Why not?" Brittany replies, sadness apparent in her voice. "I… I thought this is what you wanted?"
"I do…" I respond, closing my eyes even tighter. "I'm just…" I trail off, unsure if I'll be able to actually get this out.
"San, you can tell me anything… you know that," the beautiful blonde says reassuringly. "What are you so afraid of?"
"I'm scared that if I open my eyes… you won't really be here," I finally say while my voice breaks. "I'm afraid that when I open my eyes, this will all just be a fucked up dream and I'll still be all alone… living without you."
I pause to take a deep breath. My entire body is shivering now. I feel so exposed and vulnerable that I can't stop shaking.
"Every day for the past 6 years, I've had to learn how to live without you," I continue. "And then a month ago, you magically walk back into my life. All of this just seems too good to be true. I can't lose you again, Britt… I just can't."
Brittany then takes the pads of her thumbs and wipes away the silent tears that had fallen down my cheek. She then connects our lips again in a short, chaste kiss.
"Santana, did you feel that?" Brittany asks. I slowly nod my head. "Please open your eyes… I promise that I'll still be here, standing right in front of you."
I hesitantly open my eyes to see a blurry Brittany staring back at me. As I intake short, choppy breaths, Brittany caresses my cheek.
"Hi…" she whispers to me.
"Hi…" I reply back.
"Ya know, up until a month ago… I didn't remember who you were," Brittany states. As I start to look towards the ground, she holds my head in place to prevent me from looking away from her. "I hate that I couldn't remember you, but when I saw your beautiful face on that TV screen… I just knew."
Brittany pauses as a single tear starts to make its way down her face. I release my grip from her waist to catch it.
"I knew that I was supposed to meet you again…" she continues. "Despite my fucked up memory... nothing in this world could keep me away from you," she says as another tear falls from her eyes. "I may not remember how I fell for you the first time, but I for damn sure know exactly how I felt when I saw you again…"
At this point, my eyes are starting to water again as I rest my forehead against hers. Brittany has always had this mysterious way of knowing just what to say to make me feel calm and at peace.
"I love you, Santana!" Brittany rushes out. "As crazy as that might sound since I've only gotten to know you again recently, I know h—"
This time, it's me that silences Brittany with my lips. As I wrap my arms around her back to deepen our kiss, for the first time in years… I feel alive! As Brittany begins to move her lips with mine, I feel myself being pushed back against the brick wall. She then grazes my lower lip with her tongue before gently biting it. I nearly lose my mind as a low moan leaves my mouth. Although it's been forever since I've held Brittany in my arms and kissed her like this, it feels like nothing has changed. It feels like 2 puzzle pieces finally finding their perfect fit again.
"Oh, wow…" Brittany says breathlessly as she gasps for air. "I don't know how I could ever forget that feeling…"
"Yeah… I know what you mean," I respond back, desperately trying to gather air into my lungs as well.
"Take me home…" Brittany says.
"Huh?" I reply, slightly confused and disoriented.
"Take me back to your place… NOW!" Brittany states more clearly, with authority. Totally hot, by the way.
"Oh, okay…" I state, finally getting the meaning of her words.
As I untangle my arms from Brittany's body, I quickly grab her hand and intertwine our fingers as we walk towards the street to hail a taxi. I don't even bother to go back inside to tell my staff that I'm leaving. At this point, I don't really care. The only thing that matters right now is Brittany.
Author's Note:
Guys… I am so sorry for the delay! Long story short… I had about 75% of this chapter already written on my phone. When I went to pull it up to complete it, it was gone. I was beyond pissed and had to start the whole thing over from scratch once I calmed down. Again, I am very sorry to keep you guys waiting, but I do appreciate all of the continued love and support that I have received from you guys (not only with the story, but in reference to my personal life too). You guys are amazing! Hope you enjoy!
-K
Songs Used:
Gravity by Sara Bareilles
Free Your Mind by En Vogue
Stay by Rihanna ft. Mikky Ekko
The Story by Brandi Carlile
Disclaimer:
Yep… I still DON'T own anything.
