The cafeteria was exactly what I had expected: whispers, looks, shouts, exclamations. All buzzing about Mike's death and the death of the other people in Forks, as well as the oh-so-exciting news that I had collapsed and needed to go to hospital. Over the night, everything that was supposed to be kept hush hush was common news, leaked by god knows who.
Charlie must be having a nightmare, I thought. All those calls, the phone ringing off the hook...
"Thank God, I'm sitting with you," I stated, sitting down across from Edward, pushing my tray onto the table.
He looked up at me with a look that made my breath catch. "Why is that?"
A week had gone by since the moment in the hospital. It was my first day back at school. I had been annoyed when Charlie had kept me home; it had been sunny, such good weather was rare and thus deserved to be taken advantage of. Luckily it was still sunny today.
"Everyone else, especially at my old table, is gossiping about Mike. I don't understand why they can't just let him be dead in peace. It's going to be even worse at his funeral."
I had decided that I would ignore what had almost happened in the hospital room, as well as my request for him to leave the hospital room, and pretend like everything was fine between us. If he didn't trust me, it didn't matter – he would... in time. The only thing I could do was get closer to him, make him see I was worthy.
It was probably just a delusion anyway, brought on by my hysteria and my dizziness. I had, after all, imbibed a generous amount of cold medicine, antibiotics, and drip fluids. It probably never even happened at all.
Although, I knew it did.
Edward's face told me it had happened. The expression on his face, in his eyes, told me that he had not forgotten it, as I had wanted to. The memory of the haunted look in his eyes as he begged me silently to understand was not one that I could ever forget.
It just made my resolve that much weaker.
"Are you attending his funeral?" He watched me intently.
I swallowed heavily. "Yes, I am. I liked him, even though he was annoying sometimes. He was always a good friend."
"I'm sorry, Bella."
My eyebrows rose. "For what? Michael? You didn't do that."
"No, for Wednesday. Last Wednesday."
I looked away. "It's fine."
"No, it's not. You swore at my father-" he chuckled when I looked sharply at him.
"Yes, I heard about that. But not just that. I'm sorry for invading your personal space. You were traumatised, and I probably pushed you even further."
"Edward..." I hated this. "It wasn't that. It's just...I want you to tell me the truth...I want to be trustworthy, and I can't...I cant...god, I'm so disgusting. I'm such an ugly person...but I just want to know, I want you to trust me..."
I was lost for words. He was looking at me with such admiration, such astonishment, that it took my breath away. His beauty just had me gaping. I couldn't believe it, I thought sadly. His perfection saddened me, tortured me.
He reached one long finger out and placed it under my jaw, tilting my shameful gaze up to meet his own, in full view of the entire cafeteria.
"You're not an ugly person, Bella," he said gently.
"Why is Bella not an ugly person?"
I closed my eyes as the loud voice of my boyfriend joined us. Edward's finger dropped back to his side, and I could picture him drawing away again. I shut my eyes, wishing Jacob would disappear.
"Bella thinks she is an ugly person," Edward said smoothly, without a break. I heard Jake's tray clunk down on the table, and it made my stomach clench.
He wouldn't tell him, would he?
"Why does she think she is an ugly person?" Jacob's boisterous voice just grated on my nerves. I sat there, wishing he would drop into a convenient hole, or more hopefully, that I would.
Please don't say it, Edward.
"Because she doesn't know what to get me for my birthday."
My eyes snapped open to see Edward's smirking face.
"Oh. Okay." Jacob frowned.
I could only look at Edward, my mouth hanging open. How had he known about that? I myself had completely forgotten.
"How old are you turning, Edward?"
I took a sip of Coca Cola. "He's turning nineteen."
Edward smiled at me, a private, secretive little smile that I didn't think Jacob was meant to see.
Or maybe he was.
"Really, nineteen? Wow, that's old."
"Old for you, Jacob," Edward remarked, resting his arms behind his head and leaning back, the very picture of a king. "How old are you?"
"I turn seventeen soon." Jacob was getting angry; I could see it in his flared nostrils. He never had a good hold on his temper.
"How nice for you. How old are you, Bella?" Edward asked, addressing me, and Jacob turned to look at me too. I felt my cheeks heat up at all the attention, so I looked down at my plate.
"I'm turning nineteen soon," I said, chewing on a slice of pizza. Edward nodded thoughtfully. I chewed quicker.
"When?"
"Soon."
"Yeah, but what month?" Edward rolled his eyes.
"September."
"When in September? What date?"
"I'm not telling you."
Edward's mouth turned up at the corners. I could tell he was amused. "Why not?"
"Because she just doesn't want to fucking tell you, okay dude?"
Jacob's voice boomed out abnormally loud, and the tables closest to us turned to stare and giggle behind their hands. I groaned lightly.
"Thanks, Jacob," I said sarcastically.
He missed the sarcasm. "No problem."
Did he really think I was thanking him for basically telling Edward to back off?
Edward snorted very lightly from across the table. I raised my eyes to meet him, identical smiles on both of our faces.
"It's September 13th. I don't like to celebrate my birthday," I explained, ignoring Jacob's furious scowl. "Or let anyone know about it."
Edward's expression turned bewildered. "Most people like birthdays," he observed.
"I don't."
"Care to tell me why?" He was curious, and I didn't understand why.
"Whenever my birthday arrives, I'm a year older. Another year...gone from my youth. I hate getting older."
I sounded like a petulant child, and I chuckled to myself, but the smile was instantly gone from his face. He wasn't angry though; he was...thoughtful. Pensive.
"You don't want to get older?" he asked thoughtfully, his eyes probing my face.
"No, I don't. I just...there's something terrifying about growing old, about changing. I'd like to stay as I am, right now. My life is good, and I want everything to just be frozen, forever."
Edward tilted his head. "But don't you want change? That's what getting older is all about, you know, change and experience. You have babies, get married, live your life."
I had almost forgotten Jacob, silent and sulking next to us, until he interrupted. "Bells has never liked babies, have you sweetheart? And she never wants to get married. She's always sworn against that."
He moved closer to me, putting his arm around my shoulder in an unmistakable gesture of possession.
Edward raised his eyebrow at me, as if saying you're allowing this? In answer, I shifted slightly away, cringing at his close, and hot, proximity.
"Bella? Can I talk to you outside for a moment?" Jacob asked me suddenly, his eyes on me.
"Um. Sure." I made to get up, and so did Edward.
"Alone," Jacob specified when he saw Edward standing.
Instead of listening to Jacob and sitting back down, though, Edward looked at me, waiting for my decision.
"It's okay," I said quietly, gesturing with my arm.
"If I need you, I'll call."
Edward nodded, and I turned to follow Jacob out of the crowded lunchroom. I could feel Edward's worried, pained eyes on my back, but I forced myself not to look.
Outside, I blinked as rain began to fall on my hair, face and collarbone. The rare sun had clearly disappeared. Jacob whirled to face me, his hair already blackening as the water touched him. His face looked determined.
"Okay. We have to talk."
"What about?" I hadn't resolved everything with Jacob, and I was still holding a grudge against him for not being there when I needed him most. He had betrayed my trust at the most crucial, most important moment.
And Jacob hadn't understood that. If he had apologised, if he had begged profusely and told me that he understood, and tried to comfort me, I would have relented.
But he didn't.
And I didn't.
Jacob couldn't understand why I couldn't deal without him for a few minutes. He brushed aside the fact that he had promised, long ago, to always be there, whenever I needed him. He had promised me, and I had believed him. He had broken it with one moment of not being there at the right time, of arriving late. And he couldn't understand why I was angry at him.
He had brushed aside Mike, brushed aside Edward, brushed aside my feelings of betrayal and fear, and still thought that he was worthy of my trust and forgiveness.
I looked up at his face, the rain falling mercilessly around us, and didn't know what to do. I wavered between decisions, between two very different worlds. I balanced on the precipice, and I didn't know which way to fall.
"You. Edward. What's going on there?"
I had to smile, mirthlessly, because he still didn't get it.
The issue wasn't Edward, although he was a part of it. If Jacob had stayed as the person I wanted him to be, needed him to be, Edward would never be part of this.
Though there was a part of me that knew I was lying.
"This isn't about Edward."
"Then what is it about? Tell me, Bella," he suddenly pleaded, falling to his knees before me, his wet hair sticking to his face.
"I've gone crazy these last few days. I don't know where we stand, what's going on...I'm totally confused."
"It's about you, Jacob."
"What do you mean, Bella?" His deep brown eyes shined with unshed brimming tears and heartache, but I couldn't finish.
"I'm a horrible person. I know that."
I'm going to hell. I already have someone. So why am I pining over some other guy, here as I make this horrible, horrible speech to the person I have loved for the past two years?
I have an answer to that question. It doesn't even need to be asked.
Because I'm ugly. I'm an ugly person. But I don't care. Because I need him, and I crave him, and the life he represents. No matter what.
"Tell me, Bella. COME ON," Jacob roared suddenly. "Tell me that I'm not worthy. Tell me that you don't love me. Come on, Bella, tell me!"
I blinked back tears, but it was pointless; they came pouring on, mixing with the heavy rain as I stood before the first boy that I had noticed, the only boy who I had ever kissed, and the boy who broke my heart so I decided to break his.
"You are worthy, Jacob. It's not that, it's...so complicated."
His bravado demeanour suddenly vanished, and he was the pleading little boy again, scared and alone. "Why do this? I love you."
I choked when he declared his love.
I couldn't help it; I was feeling crowded and claustrophobic, standing here with him kneeling before me. As I gagged, he heard me, and his eyes narrowed, before the most painful look crossed his face.
"I can't trust you at the moment, Jacob. Everything's just...so fucked up. I think...I think we need to take a break. Or...maybe more. I don't know. Maybe a break? Or...if we, broke up? I don't know, Jake. I just need time. Space. A lot of it."
Jacob stood suddenly, and he towered over me. I felt very small and vulnerable, something I had never felt before in his presence. Real fear and terror raced up my spine as I gazed up at his cold face.
"I know what you mean," he breathed softly, despite his fury lined face. "We do need a break. I know, I know, I know," he repeated, resigned now.
"I'm sorry, Jacob. Not right now, okay? But...I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"I still love you, Bella," he promised. "I'll always love you – I lied – forever – I'm sorry–" He turned and walked away rapidly; not bothering to go back into the cafeteria but instead heading into the parking lot. But before he turned I thought I glimpsed the very beginning of silver tears streaking down his face.
He walked in a straight line, straight towards the woods; I stood and watched him – past crying now – but he didn't turn once.
