Synchronous Rotation: Always Facing

Chapter 8

Just Want You to Know, Backstreet Boys, Edward/Bella

Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end.


Edward found a small space in the attic of the Swan house, where the roof met the base boards. A forgotten dollhouse and a broken rocking chair hid him completely as he crouched there, writing her name in the dust. The dollhouse had her bright scent, and the chair still held his.

He could hear the voices downstairs; they did not mention him. But they would think about him. A flicker from Charlie, a memory from Alice, and so many of his words echoed in Jacob's mind. Edward wished he could turn off his powers. But in the cramped darkness, he found he could tolerate it all.

Jacob was wondering where he was, he could smell him in the house. But the werewolf couldn't concentrate long enough to distinguish it from all the other scents. He slept in the woods behind their house, his scent changing into a wolf to keep the nightmares tamed. It didn't work and the humans were constantly awoken by mournful howling.

He was discovered during the wake. Charlie came into the attic for extra chairs and found a vampire gathering dust in a corner of the room. "I knew you couldn't be far," His voice sounded exhausted.

Edward wanted to speak, but he hadn't breathed in two days. He couldn't bring himself to do so now, knowing he would just smell her and him and nothing. Charlie rummaged around, finding a couple of folding chairs. He was remembering thirteen years ago, when she was young and Edward was there. The vampire hated to see the memories, they made his chest burn.

"You should come downstairs, Edward," The voice was soft and the vampire looked up to the old man standing in front of him. 'Staying up here will kill you.'

I'm already dead. But he found himself rising to his feet. He felt almost sickened by how easy it was for his movements to be fluid. Charlie pushed a couple of chairs into his hands. Then, with almost no hesitation, he casually wiped the dust from Edward's hair and shirt.

"She wouldn't like you looking like this," He turned away, as if he couldn't face Edward for the his next words. "I'll never know why she loved you. But I understand why you loved her."

It was the kindest thing the man had ever said to him. And even though he couldn't speak, Edward wished he could thank him.

There were many people spread around their house. Edward glanced into Alice's room, watching her slowly brush the hair of one of her dolls. Her face was pink from crying as she turned to see him at the doorway. They both didn't speak and she didn't move as Edward walked to her floorboards and took the pictures of himself. He nodded to the child, the most he could manage, before leaving the room. The pictures smoldering in his pocket.

Among the crowd, Edward saw Billy Black, but it was very apparent that Jacob was avoiding him still. The old Quileute sat hunched in his chair, looking a little lost. But everyone looked a little lost. Edward left the house.

It had rained only an hour ago and he closed his eyes and inhaled the scent of wet pine. The air flooded his lungs and it felt good to feel his chest expand. Where will I go now? It felt oddly like it was thirteen years ago, when he had ripped her away from himself and wandered south.

He felt light, but it was because he felt empty. He ran his fingertips along the moss covered tree trunks, barely feeling the spongy moisture. Alice was wrong, I won't be home in a week. No, he would wander again. Close his eyes and open them to a desert. Inhale deeply and find himself in a jungle. Maybe he would go farther, swim the ocean until the water ran colder than his skin. Maybe he would sink to the bottom and let the pressure crush him until he couldn't remember her.

As it was, he found himself in the meadow they used to frequent. They hadn't visited there this time, but he had a feeling she didn't want to. The flowers were blooming, but were drooping from the recent rain. The clouds were still overhead and Edward wondered if they would clear before nightfall.

"You're like a ghost, you know," Edward didn't turn to the shifter behind him. "I could smell you, almost hear you sometimes," He several meters away. "I know you could hear my thoughts. Why didn't you show yourself?"

The only reason the vampire hadn't heard the werewolf before is because he didn't really care to hear him. Edward closed his eyes and listened Jacob's rapid heartbeat. The man was breathing heavily, but he hadn't exerted himself to follow Edward.

"Why are you upset?" It was a whisper, speaking suddenly felt strange to him.

The werewolf growled. "Why? Why aren't you more upset! Why can't you see how upset the rest of us are!" Jacob stepped forward, his footsteps heavy on the soft ground. "You just hole yourself up while the rest of us clean up the pieces! Why didn't you help her father, her daughter, anyone! Why weren't you there! Why didn't you-!" 'Why didn't you save her?'

He bit the thought so hard, his lip started bleeding. Edward slowly turned to face the furious wolf. He hadn't the strength, the will, to feel anger or injustice. "I couldn't save her." His voice felt dead.

His tone made the shifter's blood boil and Jacob clenched his fists. "Yes, you could! Why didn't you! Didn't you love her!"

The words stung Edward and he felt his lip tighten. "I loved her more than anything."

"No you didn't! You didn't love her at all! You left her!" Jacob was screaming, the space closing between them. His skin was blurring and vibrating for the oncoming change. "You broke her, you mindless leech! She couldn't speak or eat!"

Edward's chest burned. "I loved her. I could never hurt her."

"You killed her! You fucking killed her, you damn bloodsucker!"

He glared at the werewolf, his voice rising to meet his. "I loved her! That's why I left her! That's why I let her die!"

The still night was torn by an explosion and furious growls. Edward found himself launched at by a massive russet wolf, not recognizing the sounds coming from his throat. He couldn't see the man who had become an unlikely friend, a man who he had talked with on many silent nights, or a man that had kissed him just precious days before.

All Edward saw was red blood and fur that needed to be ripped and bones that needed to be broken. But Jacob was no unskilled fighter, he had killed stronger vampires than Edward. The vampire would wrap his arms around the wolf's chest, ready to crush his ribs. But the shifter's teeth sank into the vampire's marble skin and flung him away. They would crash into each other again, the vampire's sharp teeth ripping out chunks of fur and flesh until the wolf could pin him into the ground.

It was several long moments before the vampire realized something very important; the werewolf would not harm him. He would not rip his limbs apart or bit down harder than necessary to remove the vampire from a death grip.

The wolf flung Edward onto the soft meadow, several meters away, and braced for another impact. But Edward lay there in the soft grass and crushed flowers, unmoving.

It took Jacob a moment to come back to himself. '…Edward?' He whimpered and trotted up to the motionless vampire. His body was still on edge from the fight, but his mind was anxious. 'Edward?'

Edward closed his eyes and curled up on himself, wishing he could break an arm or suffer cuts or gashes. He could smell blood on the ground and on Jacob's fur. "Why won't you hurt me?"

'I can't…I…' He whined low in his throat, bringing his large nose near Edward's face. He could see the blood dripping. 'You're my imprint, Edward. I could never hurt you.'

"Then why fight me?" He covered his face with his hands, feeling like a child. But he didn't want to see or smell the blood he tore from Jacob.

The wolf sat down heavily beside him. 'I'm angry, Edward. I don't know why. But I'm so angry.'

His mind was scattered and jarred. He could barely think straight enough to communicate. "You're not angry, Jacob. You're grieving," Edward whispered into his hands.

He could hear him licking the blood from his nose before gently prodding at his hands. 'Is this how you grieve?'

Edward ignored the wet nose. "Vampire's cannot cry."

'You don't need to cry to mourn.'

"But I need to do something," His voice was breaking, he hadn't breathed in the past few minutes. "I'm…dying, but I can't die. I'm burning, but I'm so cold. I'm floating away but everything keeps following me."

Jacob put his head near Edward's, his hot breath warming his hands. Edward gasped, needing to be able to speak and found Jacob's scent to be warm as well. The bites and scratches mostly healed. He was silent, even his mind a dull buzz. He was exhausted and injured and confused. He didn't know what to say or think.

Edward breathed in his warm scent again. More than warm, it was like fire, a burning. "I wanted to save her," He whispered, but he knew it was loud enough for the werewolf to hear. "I begged to turn her. But she…refused. She refused and said she would rather die," He moved his hands slightly to look at Jacob. His large head was so close he barely had to move to slowly run his finger down the coarse nose. "I couldn't then. I couldn't do it. And it hurt more than anything to listen to her heart give out, knowing my venom would make her eyes open again."

'Why did she refuse?'

Edward could see the wolf's mind slowly working again. Jacob's instincts told him vampires were bad and certainly making more would be worse. But his humanity loved her and would sacrifice her mortality to keep her safe and alive. He had already sacrificed so much to keep her alive.

"Alice, her family…me," He traced the scars he just inflicted on the wolf, watching as they slowly knit themselves into obscurity. "I think she regrets knowing and loving vampires and werewolves. I think, after so many years of the supernatural, she just wanted the normal," He hesitated. "She wanted her daughter to only have the normal."

Jacob didn't like that thought, but he understood what Edward meant. 'I suspected there would be a time that I would either have to enlighten Alice or leave her,' His large eye was trained on Edward. 'I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things. They were wrong.'

The vampire let his hand drop back to the dirt. "No, you were right. I let her die. I left her and let her die."

Jacob's large body was scooting forward until he wedged two paws under Edward and pinned him to the ground with his large head. Edward lay on his back, feeling Jacob breath on his chest. 'The reason why everything keeps following you is because you refuse to let go.'

Edward eyes burned, yearning for tears. But it felt better than when he was at her bedside, listening to her last requests. It felt better than when he held her crying in his arms because she was terrified for her life. It felt better than when he walked away from her thirteen years ago and pretended to fall out of love.

Because, somehow, burning under a werewolf felt natural. It wasn't a fire that would turn him to ash, it was a fire to burn away all the old scars and memories. Edward reached up to drag Jacob's head closer, inhaling that burning scent through soft fur.

"I loved her," He whispered to the pulse. "I loved her more than everything. She made sunlight worth risking, nights worth living, and time worth…everything. I loved her, but I don't know if I still do. Or if I just want to. Or if I just…wish to."

'You love her, Edward. The same as I do; in that special part of our hearts where we have what we wished was real.'

Edward felt a shadow of a smile and he hoped Jacob could feel it too. "Can you phase back now?"

It sounded better to transform into a human, less ripping and breaking. It was sliding back into a truer form and Jacob's warm skin was suddenly in his arms. Edward shifted the man so he could keep his face pressed against that burning pulse. "You smell better now."

Jacob's pulsed quickened, nervous at the contact, but he didn't move. "What do I smell like?"

Edward paused, waiting for the man to slowly relax. He didn't mind the heavy weight on his chest, he only needed to breathe enough to speak. "You smell like what a person should."

"What's that?"

He grinned, feeling the pulse spike from the touch of his teeth. "Like…normal. You have no idea how normal," He couldn't describe the burning.

"Can I move?" 'I feel like I'm crushing you.'

Edward sighed, but he knew he should give the wolf a little space, Jacob was naked after all. He loosened his grip so Jacob could twist a little further away. He only went as far as to lie down next to Edward. The vampire decided he didn't mind that either. They were both silent, watching the sky grow dark and the clouds slowly thin.

"Bella," Edward whispered.

"Hm?"

"I just wanted to see if I could say it again."

"Was it hard?"

He licked his lips. "A little, but I couldn't say it before."

"I noticed."

"Did you?"

Jacob's arm twitched next to his, just touching. "I notice."

Edward turned his head to look at the other man. Jacob had his eyes closed and his breathing had slowed down. All the stress of the last couple of days was slowly washing off him and he was drifting into sleep. "You always pass out around me."

A twitch of a smile. "It's because you dazzle me."

It felt strange to smile with Jacob, just two days after Bella died and on the day of her wake. But at the same time, it felt natural. He watched as Jacob's body slowly grow more towards sleep, his mind a steady hum of relaxation.

It was only on the precipice of sleep, while he could still hear but not comprehend, that Edward spoke. "You asked me to consider you, Jacob. And I just wanted to tell you that I haven't. I'm sorry, because both you and Bella asked me to. But I…just can't right now," Jacob's breathing did not stir. "I'm sorry, but I will hurt you again before I leave."


Edward's phone was ringing, almost constant. Casually, he switched it off. He wondered why Alice would bother, as she would see a future where he would never answer. He looked at the black plastic, wondering if he should crush it or maybe throw it off a cliff, for the irony.

'I didn't think you would be here.'

A moment later, a massive wolf walked into the clearing. Edward slid off the rock he was leaning on. "Sleep well?"

'I hate your mind-reading,' And Edward could see why. Jacob was horribly embarrassed that he woke up in the meadow in a panic, wondering where the vampire was and if he had left already. He quickly caught his scent and came running, only calming when the trail didn't lead far.

"I needed some breakfast," Edward shrugged, not really caring whether or not the werewolf was ashamed of his feelings.

'But why are you here? At the border?'

"I can't really cross it, can I? And there is another request I need to fulfill."

'You can cross it,' Edward raised an eyebrow at the prompt response and Jacob pawed slightly at the earth. 'As my imprint you are allowed wherever I go and to know whatever I know. Besides, I'm the only wolf guarding the borders and even if you weren't my imprinted, I would let you pass.'

"Really?"

'Well…yeah, I think so.'

"Hmm," Edward shrugged again. He was feeling awfully light this morning, almost weightless. Maybe it was because he knew he would be leaving before nightfall and be far away from here by dark. And once this task was done, then he could most certainly leave on a clear conscience. "Well, we best get started," And, for the first time, Edward crossed the invisible line into werewolf territory.

'What are we doing?' The wolf trotted beside him.

Edward wished it would have been more climatic, being in enemy territory. All he got was Jacob making friendly conversation. "Bella requested something of you and asked me to follow it up. I'm assuming you know what I'm talking about."

Jacob stopped, whining in discomfort. But Edward continued forward, knowing the wolf would keep following. 'You really don't have to…I can do this…Edward, please, just give me some time.'

"You've had ten years."

The large nose pushed his shoulder, sending warm breath down his back. 'It's complicated. I haven't thought this out yet. It might turn out awful.'

Edward looked over his shoulder. "It's already awful. And I know, you've shown me."

'I know,' His voice was meek and let himself be silent for a short moment. 'I don't have any clothes.'

"I noticed, but I'm sure your father has seen you naked before."

Jacob growled softly, putting his chin on Edward's shoulder. 'What a wonderful reunion. He walks out the front door to his estranged, naked son. What could I say?'

Edward placed a hand on the other side of his nose, rubbing the bridge absently. "Ask for some clothes. That would be appropriate."

He huffed, which Edward realized was a laugh. 'Yes, a great talking point there.'

"Now that's a good attitude."

'Are you my mother?'

Edward looked at the large eye near his face, wondering why his hand was still stroking the nose. "No, I'm your imprint and we've arrived"

Jacob's heart rate had increased, but Edward didn't know if it was from his words for from the impending confrontation. The wolf looked to the trees up ahead, seeing the small house just beyond. 'Are you coming with me?'

"No, I doubt Billy Black would appreciate a vampire in his house. Besides, it won't help for me to be there."

Jacob shuffled, hesitating. 'I guess so.'

"Are you going to change?"

The werewolf was nervous, but embarrassed. 'Are you going to look?'

Edward rolled his eyes. "I saw you naked last night, you realize."

Jacob wouldn't meet his eye. 'But I had other things on my mind.'

Edward shrugged. "I guess I did too. But it doesn't matter because I'm going to stand here until you step inside that house."

Jacob paced slightly, reminding Edward of a dog trying to lie down. He wanted to shake the wolf, but he knew it would do no good to force him. Jacob had to change and Jacob had to walk to his father.

There was a slight tremor as the wolf became a human, like his anxiousness translated into the phasing. Jacob leaning against a tree, trying to casually cover himself. Edward glanced lazily towards the house. "It smells like he's home."

Jacob stepped towards him, looking at his old house. "Yeah, I guess," He bit his lip, looking at Edward. "Will you be here?"

The vampire carefully chose his words. "I will make sure Bella's wish is fulfilled."

Jacob was forgetting his embarrassment and put a hand on Edward's shoulder. "Is it just because of Bella?" 'What about me? What about you?'

Edward gazed back to him, steady and sure. "I need you to do this too."

Jacob nodded, licking his lips. He could tell the wolf wanted to embrace him in some way, for comfort and reassurance. Edward couldn't let him. He placed a hand on his back and pushed him forward. "No time like the present."

Jacob, for his part, didn't even look back. "No time at all," He muttered and resolutely walked towards the front door.

When he had cleared the trees, Edward climbed up into the branches so he could be closer without being detected. Billy Black opened the door, thrown off by the sight of his naked son. Though Edward could tell it was mostly the sight of his son, with or without clothes, that left him speechless.

Jacob invited himself in, pretending to be confidant, but Edward could see Black wasn't fooled. He crouched in the tree for a few more minutes, listening to the disjointed conversation. It wasn't a perfect reunion and it would take much more time and many more conversations for their relationship to resemble a father and son. But it was a start and Edward thought it was a rather good one.

He could almost imagine Bella, sitting in the tree next to him, nodding her approval and whispering words of encouragement. The image reminded him that time was going to turn against him and against Jacob. Edward nimbly left the trees and was running as his hit the forest floor.

He knew it would be only a matter of time before Jacob would catch up with his scent, but it was Edward's hope that the werewolf would lose the will first. He wasn't good with farewells and he knew that Jacob would not approve of this one. But there was little he could do.

He had considered Jacob Black, somewhere between twilight and dawn, and his answer lay in his running legs. "It is not my imprint," He whispered to the wind.

And he ignored Bella's disappointed face.