My apologies for taking so long in between updates. I don't have excuses so I won't try to make one up. I'll have you know that chapter 10 is half way done so I shouldn't take to long to update after this.
A most heart felt thank you to my betas, Loueze and Notanislander. These two ladies just happen to be the cat's pajamas and the bee's knees and vice versa. I love you both like crazy for holding my hand through this insane journey and pressing me to get off my lazy butt and update. Getting to know you both has been a gift, truly.
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Don't Dream It's Over
He couldn't look away afraid to even blink on the chance that she would disappear. The woman before him was like one of those sugary flowers he creates, delicate and exquisite; so frail it must be caressed with gentle hands. Softly they swayed to the beat of the music, twirling in unison, never missing a step, in a moment too surreal, it was as if he held an angel in his arms. They were in a world of their own and while he was floating in a sea of grey, she was flying in a sky of blue.
She couldn't tear her eyes away from his. Within her chest, her heart was pounding as if it were about to spread its wings and fly toward the burning sun. For a moment she wonders if her vision might be deceiving her or if she is so taken with emotion that her senses might be compromised, yet there is no mistaking the warmth that runs through her body, making the blood boil within her veins with merely the touch of his skin. There is no mistaking that the person holding her close, letting her hold him pressed up tight against her body, is in fact he who'd been in her dreams since the naive days of adolescence. There is no mistaking that for the first time in weeks, she isn't overtaken by the chill of loneliness.
For the first time in weeks, he isn't distraught with thoughts of despair.
"Ms. Everdeen?"
There was a buzz somewhere but Katniss couldn't make it out nor did she want to, either.
"Ms. Everdeen?"
The buzz was persistent. Not until the third time of the waiter trying to gain her attention that Katniss was able to focus on reality. She turned toward the source as she reluctantly pried her arms away from Peeta's body. Her cheeks slowly colored pink as she realized just how much she allowed herself to get carried away while in public, among her peers.
"Yes." She answered with resignation stepping toward the waiter. Peeta stood back, hands stuffed in his pant pockets. She turned to him a second later, "Effie apparently tried making changes to her own liking and the staff doesn't know what to do. I need to go and set everything straight before dinner gets delayed any further." She offered with a weak smile.
Peeta shrugged, "Sure." he nodded in her direction and as she turned to leave he remembered he didn't know where he belonged this evening.
"Katniss" he called out to her, scratching his chin. "I couldn't find Mellark in the chart." he chuckled as if embarrassed.
She blushed. "You are in table ten, with Johanna, Gale, Madge and...me." she smiled shyly.
He returned her smile and nodded as she left to take care of her business. He made a quick detour to the bar for a drink before sitting down for dinner when he caught sight of a familiar looking red head wearing a ridiculously short dress, heading toward the bathrooms, Vee. He veered in the opposite direction, drink in hand, trying to avoid a confrontation this early in the evening. Tonight he wanted nothing to distract him from Katniss.
Everyone was already seated; Vic and Rue, Gale and Madge who after a tight hug and kiss to the cheek, whispered her giddiness of his presence into his ear. He squeezed her elbow in return, the meaning of her words not getting lost on him.
"Be good, tonight." Johanna warned with a sincere smile and gentle hug.
"Always am." he replied with good humor but it was the tow head sitting to her right that took him by surprise. Rye looked up at him with an amused smirk.
To say he was in shock would be an understatement, but in all honesty anything can be expected from his brother and if Peeta had been paying closer attention, he would have noticed Rye's behavior of the last days to have been peculiar.
Rye stood from his chair, "Now, now Peety..." Rye began ignoring his brother's glare and reaching over to Peeta's neck. "Hold it in long enough to hear us out and then you can throw your tantrum or…I don't know, throw Jo-Jo and me a party...maybe." he smirked as he straightened Peeta's tie.
"Don't call me Jo-Jo." Johanna snapped at him from her seat.
"It's up to you, really." Rye continued. "And I do like this whole disheveled look you have going on here, goes with the scruffy hair…" he added while smoothing out his brother's shoulders, "but we do have business to conduct, you gotta look the part, Peet."
If looks could kill. Rye thought very much amused.
"We love you two too much to wait for you to get your big heads out of your respective asses on your own," Johanna added while the brothers took their seats. "and I say that with love."
"I'll help you strangle them once they explain themselves." A voice came from behind him. They all turned to see Katniss standing there, taking in the whole scene. "I don't know what they did but I'll help you take Rye since he is your brother and all" she glared at both Johanna and Rye. If those two were together, they were definitely up to no good.
They both chuckled as Peeta stood to help Katniss into her seat next to Johanna.
"Nice to see you too, Katniss. Looking quite beautiful I might add, isn't that right Peety?" Rye added smugly.
Peeta blushed as he sat down. Gale chuckled. Madge elbowed him in the ribs.
"Yes," he began, barely above a whisper. "You do look incredibly beautiful," he said shyly. "…like an ethereal creature floating down from the heavens."
That made Katniss smile.
"I told you we should have made them sit elsewhere!" Johanna snapped at Rye while he laughed.
"Why are you two here together?" Katniss huffed rather annoyed.
"Interesting story," began Johanna. "You know, that night you went to the bakery, when Peeta..." she air quotes "wasn't there" she stresses, "Rye called me. Told me you two were being...well, you two, and asked if we were going to do anything about it, so we set this plan in motion."
"Which was...?" Peeta asked resigned while Katniss continued to glare.
"Isn't it obvious?" Gale interjected, "to force you two stubborn asses to face each other and talk." He said sounding somewhat annoyed. "Which is what we all should have done way back when, save us all a whole lotta grief." He added looking at everyone else. Madge hung her head in guilt nodding, while Johanna and Rye scoffed in unison.
Katniss and Peeta sat there frozen in embarrassment.
"But all's well that ends well, right?' Rye continued. "No foul no harm!"
"Exactly." Johanna said offering Rye her fist for him to bump, which he did. "I don't see the problem…we're all here, the party's a success, by the way, congratulations on all of this Peeta," she said waving her hand across the room, then raising her drink in his direction. "It is amazing; you have made our department shine."
A current of congratulations and tributes arose from around the table all directed at Katniss and Peeta.
"You see; you make a great team" continued Johanna. "our intervening has been for the greater good, although for a second there it was touch and go if we could even get Peeta out the door much less in here, thanks to your dad for that. Who knew Blondie could be so stubborn!" She said innocently missing Rye's warning stare.
Katniss turned to stare at Peeta who suddenly became very occupied with the napkin on his lap. So he hadn't come here of his own accord. He had to be forced. Her heart sank as did the hope that had silently risen within her.
Plutarch Heavensbee took that moment to take the microphone and give his Holiday speech, just as dinner was being served.
For that Katniss was grateful. She turned her head in direction of her boss and didn't allow her face to wander away from the stage. So she sat there, frozen. She was upset because she'd let herself believe that he was here for her, to see her, to set things straight. She shivered. The room had dropped several degrees all of a sudden. She shrank within herself. All of a sudden a lifetime of insecurities and feelings of inadequacy took control of the happiness she'd reveled in just a short while back.
Peeta couldn't bring himself to look at her, humiliated by Johanna and Rye's words. They didn't mean to make an already awkward situation more difficult, he didn't blame them for that. But he didn't want Katniss to know that he'd spent all these days apart, wallowing over her in his apartment. They made him sound like a petulant child throwing tantrums, sulking in the corner. Why would she want someone so pathetic by her side?
"Are you cold?" he asked. There was concern in his voice having felt her shiver next to him. He was so absorbed trying to get a read on her expression that he failed to hear Mr. Heavensbee call Katniss up to the stage.
"No!" she answered dryly. She leaned away from him as she rose from her seat not even bothering to give him a second look. Stunned and confused by the sudden iciness in her attitude he failed to help her out of her seat.
Katniss whispered something to Johanna as the other woman handed her a cashmere looking cloth. As Katniss stoically walked up the stage she unfolded her friend's shawl and wrapped herself in it.
Peeta slumped in his seat feeling dejected as she covered herself while walking away. The change in her attitude wasn't just his imagination. There was something in the way she pulled away. He only wished he knew for sure what was bothering her, positive it had something to do with Johanna's comment.
Katniss took her place on that stage next to Effie, and refused to look at the table where she knew she'd find the pair of blue eyes that always seemed to take her breath away. She needed to avoid him while she decided how she was going to handle that situation. She came tonight with hopes he would attend and determined to speak with him, tell him the truth he was owed. That was before knowing he had to be forced to be within her presence. He had been quite obliging when they were alone but maybe he was merely being polite. So she locked eyes with everyone and anyone, exchanging smiles and accepting the applause from her peers in appreciation for the lovely night that she had put together for them.
While dinner was being served, another pair of Katniss' coworkers joined their table, ending all opportunity of having the topic of Jo and Rye's master plan resume.
Peeta was as amenable as ever, exchanging pleasantries with everyone. Katniss on the other hand was unusually quiet only commenting about the lovely (and the not so lovely) dresses on some of the women in attendance, with Madge and Jo, but not much else.
"Katniss?" Jo whispered.
"No." she whispered back knowing that Johanna wanted to comment about her change in demeanor. "I'm having a great time, really." But Jo could always read her like a book. There were few people Katniss could ever truly deceit, and most of them were sitting at this table.
So Jo took it upon herself to lighten the mood and began gossiping about Effie's neurotics and all the crazy changes she'd been trying to make last minute in an effort to take credit for the ball and look good before Heavensbee. She went as far as comparing the HR director to a clucking chicken. Katniss laughed out loud without expecting to, that she dropped her fork to the ground accidentally in the process. Peeta rushed to pick it up for her signaling to a waiter for a new one. She quietly thanked him without fully acknowledging him.
Peeta, on his end, was fast to pick up on Katniss' evasiveness. She'd been so open so warm when he'd first shown up, but the wall he was so familiar with, was up now. He was positive it had everything to do with her knowing he had been forced to attend. For the first time he wondered if maybe his original plan of waiting to speak to her at another moment, might not have been the best option instead of succumbing to everyone else's scheming to get him here.
He took deep calming breaths while slowly cutting the morsel on his fork with extreme caution, biding his time. He was here, she was here, it was time to set his life straight. He wanted to speak with her, listen to what she might have to say. He also wanted her to hear him. The discomfort he was feeling were the nerves playing with his insides, trying to make him cower before the probability of a negative outcome.
What Peeta failed to see was that Katniss' attention was never far from him. Her gaze became fixated upon his shoe. She kept her head at an angle, never fully turning herself toward him, but with a clear enough view of the perfectly polished leather oxford with the double knotted shoelace. There was nothing particularly significant about it; black, like every other man present except that this foot was Peeta's. No frills or embellishments, no designer label, just a simple black shoe and to her, it was beautiful.
He tried and tried to catch her attention throughout dinner, lighten the mood, but it was impossible at this table. His neighbors to one side were continually seeking out his opinion, as were Vic and Rue and the moments he could say anything to her, she'd coldly shut him down. Not that he could blame her, he would be offended as well. Maybe during desert he could get a few moments alone with her, away from everyone.
That wasn't meant to be because as soon as coffee and dessert were announced, Effie with Haymitch in tow rushed Katniss' table eager to speak to the Mellark brothers. Katniss graciously introduced them to both Peeta and Rye and quickly made her leave stepping away from the table taking Johanna, Rue and Vic with her. Peeta wanted to follow her but Rye left him on his own to do with the couple as he always did, charm the potential customer.
So while Peeta took care of his business, Katniss took care of her own organizing the President's Gift Raffle. Wonderful prizes like weekend getaways, generous gift cards, even airplane tickets are always up for grabs. Katniss is very proud that she knows that at least this year, anyone is eligible to win. The outcome had always been somewhat shady on previous years. It helped that for the most part, her department was usually left alone to work with their own devices, no questions asked. Much of their independence is due to their leader Haymitch Abernathy, who saw to that. If during the process of the party preparation, he had been given any sort of direction as to where the prizes were to land; Katniss wasn't in the know, meaning Haymitch did as he pleased.
It made her especially happy that the two sets of airplane tickets being raffled tonight went to the cleaning staff. They'd always been pooled either around the higher ranks of the managerial level or the executive secretarial unit. Needless to say, Fulvia Cardew, Heavensbee's assistant, did not look happy that she'd be leaving empty handed this year.
"You look pleased." Peeta whispered to her when he was finally able to get close. She always seemed to be surrounded by people.
"I am." Katniss replied looking quite satisfied. Her gaze was set on her happy coworkers shaking the President's hand while accepting their gifts.
"Could I interest you in coffee and a slice of cake?" he asked sounding hopeful. "I heard from one of the waiters that it was actually rather edible."
For the first time in what to Peeta felt like hours, Katniss turned to look at him, "Sure."
While he was pouring her coffee Katniss couldn't help but notice his feet again and sighed. She was so far gone that even his feet, his beautiful feet, were exciting to her. At that moment all the anxiety vanished. Did it really matter how he got to the party over the fact that he was actually here? Was there any point in her being upset about it? God only knows how many times she's had to be forced into action because her own stubborn nature would get in the way of her better judgment. If anything, his attitude since arriving had been accommodating enough, despite whatever reasons brought him to her. Did it really matter that he might turn the other way after she spoke her peace? Did it really matter that she might leave tonight empty handed and broken hearted? No. Reality is that it didn't matter at all.
High school, Junior Prom Night
She cried herself to sleep. It wasn't until she startled herself awake that she realized she had even fallen asleep. Her room was quiet with the exception of the curtains billowing in the soft breeze that came through the wide open window. It was at that moment that she felt him beside her, curled around her body. What was he doing here?
She jumped out of her bed startling him awake.
"Peeta!" She said flustered. "What are you doing here?"
"I was worried about you." He looked adorable with his disheveled hair and groggy eyes. He'd removed his shoes, shirt and tie and just sat on her bed looking up at her in his suit pants and undershirt.
"So you snuck in my room while I was asleep, you creeper!"
Peeta snorted. "I've snuck into your room before, Katniss."
"Yeah, invited and while I was conscious." She crossed her arms across her chest.
As the moonlight coming in from her window illuminated her face he thought she never looked more beautiful. Her hair fell in long soft curls from the updo she wore earlier. Her face was washed clean and she was covered up in simple cotton shorts and an old tee shirt. Georgia could never compare or compete with Katniss' natural beauty.
He sat up and scoot himself to the edge of her bed.
"Why are you here Peeta and how long have you been here?"
"I told you I was worried about you and I got here a little after one."
"What? Why didn't you go to that party with everybody else?" Her stance remained rigid.
"I was worried because you left without even saying good bye. We arrived to the prom together; the least you could've done was let me know you were leaving. Why didn't you look for me and why did you text Madge instead of me?"
Katniss fumed at the memory. "I did look for you and when I found you, you were rather…busy. That's why I texted Madge, didn't think you'd even notice a text from me."
"When have I ever ignored a text from you, before?" he said getting defensive.
"Your hands were full with Georgia Leeg!" she raised her voice, visibly upset. "And you seemed very interested in whatever she was saying to you."
Peeta felt his face turn beet red. Although he hadn't been trying to hide, he also didn't expect to be caught or seen by Katniss of all people. He expected her to continue the night with Dalton and figured he'd be the one left behind.
"Should I congratulate her?" the contempt oozing out of her pores.
"For what?" Peeta asked, confused.
"It's no secret she's been trying to get into your pants for a while" she snapped. "And tonight I overheard her in the bathroom saying how your hot ass was going to be hers." Her eyes raked his form but instead of interest, Peeta thought he saw disgust in her eyes.
Peeta moaned.
This again, he thought.
"You, too? Madge said the same thing." he muttered, annoyed and upset at the insinuation that he isn't worthy of a girl's affection.
"Is it so hard to believe that someone might like me for me and nothing else? I feel so special."
"Georgia Leeg, Peeta, really?" she was annoyed to have to be talking about that girl in her own room. Was he trying to rub it in?
"She's nice and pretty." He defended.
"So I've heard." She said wryly.
"Why do I have to defend myself?"
The nerve of him to come into her house to talk about Georgia Leeg and tonight of all nights. It wasn't enough that she'd caught them together, it seemed he was determined to share details of her perfection.
"You don't," she snarled as she stormed to her window, throwing it open.
"If you hurry you can still catch her." She said through gritted teeth waving her hand out the exit. "I'm not holding you here and if I know anything about "little Miss Nice and Pretty", she'll be waiting."
He was fuming; she was fuming. His jaw hurt he locked it so tight as he stormed toward the window.
"I was just worried about you." He mumbled.
"No need." She snapped. "And for future reference, I don't want to hear details of your encounters. Why you think your sex life is any business of mine is beyond me."
Katniss was livid. As cliche as it might sound she could actually see red. Not only was she losing Peeta, wonderful, beautiful, stupid, horndog Peeta to a manipulative bitch like Georgia but it felt like she was losing her best friend , too. A small part of her had hoped he'd try to stop her from kicking him out and tell her he'd rather stay with her.
He'd climbed safely onto the tree branch that led to the window and hesitated. He turned to look back at her And opened his mouth to say something, wanted to explain to her that he wasn't interested in the other girl but she spoke out instead.
"You want to become a cheerleader's boy toy then that's your problem. I did my part in warning you. Go get your kicks while I get over the disappointment of seeing you fall into the claws of Annalise Mellark 2.0."
"How dare you-" Peeta began, angry that she would say something so hurtful. Katniss knew the truth of his relationship with his abusive mother, but before he could offer a rebuttal, she slammed the window down, hard, making the glass shudder. The drapes were closed and the light turned out.
He climbed down the tree and considered walking away for a moment, lowering himself onto the ground instead and let the steam blow off the top of his head.
Katniss hated his mother. Hated that she was so manipulative and controlling with everyone and everything around her. For Katniss to compare Georgia to his mother, well, maybe there were things about Georgia that Peeta just did not know. Not that it mattered because he didn't care about the girl. He didn't understand the point of this fight.
About ten minutes later, he climbed back up the tree and found himself outside her window, rapping his knuckles on the glass.
Katniss had curled up on her bed and covered herself up with her comforter, even though the weather was too warm for it. She didn't care. It was better to deal with the heat than to want to look out her window. To look at what? She didn't know. He wasn't going to be there. He wanted Georgia, stupid, sexy, curvy, manipulative Georgia! They'd argued about Georgia….no, they'd fought about Georgia. He fought with her over Georgia Leeg, and then he still had the gall to look upset about the things she said. No way was she going to apologize. Maybe it was a little mean to bring up his mom, but he needed to hear it. Georgia was just like Annalise; from the color of her hair right down to the pretentious pedicure; mean spirited and shallow.
That's when she heard a light knock on her window. She froze. He couldn't be back could he? He'd only been gone a little while. He was so eager to get back to his party...wasn't he? Had he been outside all this time?
There it was, the drumming on the glass. She uncovered her head unsure of what to do. Was she still angry with him? No, not really.
"Katniss…" came the hiss from the outside. "Come on, let me in…"
She got up from her bed and opened the drapes to see him perched on the limb, like a little bird.
She pulled the window up and poked her head out.
"What do you want? Why are you still here? Why didn't you leave?" The questions just rolled off her tongue.
"Are you going to let me in?" He responded to her interrogation.
She turned on the lamp from her nightstand so he'd see his way in and stepped aside taking a seat on her desk chair.
She looked at him and raised her shoulder and eyebrows as if asking "What?"
He stuck his hands in his pockets and took a deep breath.
"Look…" he hesitated for a moment lifting his eyes to take a long hard look at her. That's when he noticed she was still very much upset with him and not just because in his apparent poor judgment in women. Even Madge had been more disappointed than mad and mostly because Madge knew of Peeta's feelings for Katniss.
"I'm sorry for earlier although I'm not sure why." He began while looking at his feet.
Katniss was silent which wasn't a good thing. He chanced looking at her and saw her eyebrow raised.
Oh-oh. He thought. "I don't know what you want me to say, if you could just tell me why you're so mad?"
She pursed her lips to keep from lashing out.
"I don't care about Georgia" he continued impatiently. "Are we doing this again? Why are we fighting about her when I don't even like her."
She let out a chuckle. "When did you come to that conclusion, when your tongue was down her throat and your hands all over her ass?"
Peeta was at his end not knowing how to get through to her. "She kissed me, she came onto me and yes, I liked the attention. And yes, she offered to get "cozy" at the party and yes, for a moment I seriously considered it because what would be so wrong with liking being wanted? Am I supposed to apologize to you for that, why would I have to?"
She stood from the chair and with her arms crossed. He was right. Why would he have to apologize? He wasn't hers. He was free to do as he pleased.
"You don't" she answered, all the fight gone from her voice and stance. "and if you hurry you might still catch her, although you might have to wait your turn, but you know…"
"Look…." he began trying to think of a way to make peace with her. This wasn't the reason he came to her tonight but her irrational anger towards the other girl distracted him from his purpose.
Irrational anger.
She was acting like a jealous girlfriend.
Jealous girlfriend.
Jealous!
That's when the thought hit him like a bolt of lightning. "Katniss...are you jealous?"
All of sudden he could see the situation with such clarity. Her anger had no reason. He hadn't wronged anyone. But to hear her chastise him, it's as if he had been unfaithful. The thought made him absolutely giddy.
Katniss on the other hand was mortified. She stepped back until she bumped into her desk. She was jealous, horribly and justifiably pea green with envy because Peeta should be hers and not some trophy for a Barbie doll like Georgia Leeg. She was so angry that his lips were anywhere near the other girl that her stomach twisted in pain but, was it that obvious on her face?
"Are you delusional?" she answered trying to keep a straight face.
But Peeta could always see right through her and although he couldn't tell that her cheeks had turned a bright pink, he did notice that she couldn't quite meet his eyes.
"No, I don't think I am." He saw this as the opportunity he originally came looking for.
"I-I-I don't have any reason to be jealous. I don't know why you would think that." She was nervous.
"Then why does Georgia bother you so much?"
Katniss snorts, "You mean besides her being a skank, or the fact that she's always been jealous of our friendship, or maybe that we've hated each other since the 6th grade, not to mention that she made Delly cry when she tried out for the cheer squad last may, I don't know Peeta you choose?"
Peeta chuckled. He opened his mouth to speak but Katniss beat him. "You never really answered my first question, why are you here? If you're considering her offer then why aren't you with her?"
Peeta slowly sauntered toward her, his eyes studying her face. She was nervous and he was able to pick up on it from the tone in her voice. He placed his hands on the desk on either side of her, locking her in place and leaned in dangerously close.
He was like the predator moving in on its kill. Her heart started to drum to a faster beat but instead of trying to find a means of escape, she felt excited.
"Because Katniss, I don't want her." He said slowly. "I'm exactly where I want to be."
They walked in awkward silence through the Animals of Africa exhibit. She wrung her hands in nervousness. He bit his cheek with his hands deep in his pockets.
The tension was thick and their movements felt awkward. So much needed to be said. She turned toward the antelope display and took a deep breath.
"I'm sorry!" they said in unison as they turned toward the other then giggled. She looked down at her hands.
"Katniss, I feel I need to-"
"You have nothing for which you need to apologize, Peeta." She looked up at him. His cheeks were tinged pink as he looked at the tips of his shoes.
"I acted like an ass." He said in a defeated tone. His shoulders were hunched as if he carried the weight of the world.
"No" she interrupted. "you acted like someone who'd been hurt and finally had an opportunity to let out some of that pain, get some answers to the questions you held in for so long and I can understand, Peeta. I don't hold anything against you."
His eyes met hers and found the truth to her words. She wasn't trying to just let him off the hook. He felt relieved for a second but then the guilt started creeping up his spine.
"Katniss please…" he hesitated trying to get his thoughts in order. He opened his mouth when she spoke up.
"Peeta, please hear me out. I know...I know I don't deserve it and if you wanted to walk out right now I'd understand but please give me the chance to talk to you. I'm quite aware that you were practically forced to be here, I apologize for that too. Please understand that Johanna acted with the best of intentions and I know Rye did as well."
"No, Katniss it wasn't like that. I promised you I'd stay away and that's what I was trying to do but couldn't see it through, the need to see you is stronger than me." He ran his hands through his hair in exasperation.
"You've been avoiding me and every right to do so. I don't wrong you for that. I understand it actually. But given this opportunity, please hear me out?"
Peeta stuffed both hands into his pockets again and leaned against the wall paneling dividing two exhibits.
"I spoke with Finnick." She said looking out into nothing. Shock made him shiver. He opened and closed his mouth several times but no words came out.
She let out a nervous chuckle.
"When…?"
"This past week."
Peeta took a moment to stare at the wall in front of him. "Why?" He asked, "You hate Finnick!"
She sat down on a bench in front of the African Elephants and smiled ruefully at him.
"It suddenly dawned on me that I can't expect to obtain your forgiveness if I'm not willing to offer some myself."
Peeta blew out a gush of air through his mouth and took a seat next to her facing the opposite direction. His right side brushed against her right side. He turned to look at her.
"How'd it go?" His voice was soft and concerned.
"It went well. It was cathartic for us both." She says. "Needless to say how incredibly surprised he was to hear from me."
"I'll bet." He looked at her waiting for her to continue. "Do I get any details?"
Katniss snorted. "You know them already. We spoke about that night, his state of mind, the mess that was his life. He told me you beat him when you found out the truth, in the bakery kitchen."
Peeta blushed.
"Then he went on to speak about hitting rock bottom, losing everyone that mattered to him, you forgiving him but never getting your friendship back to the way it was. Then he told me about meeting your cousin and finally getting on with his life."
"Did he ask you about Annie?"
"No. I didn't offer either."
They were quiet for a very long time sitting beside one another but not touching, each looking into nothing.
"I'm sorry." Katniss finally whispered. "You will never know how sorry I am for having dragged this out this long. For having made the time in between so difficult for you, for being so foolish and petty and vengeful. If I could swallow your pain and make you forget, I would." Her voice was choked at the end. He turned to look at her but she wouldn't budge. "No," she continued. "This isn't about making me feel better, this is about taking responsibility for your pain, for having held your life back. That wasn't mine to do." She slowly turned to him, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.
"I cast you aside because it made my pain easier to deal with. I attached myself to Darius, because he made it easier to forget, to pretend like there was no before. I denied you closure because like you said so many times, I never saw myself clearly, that I didn't understand the effect I had on you, so I thought myself unimportant by that time; inconsequential to your existence. Johanna would suggest dropping you a line from time to time but so many years had passed. I led myself to believe that you were so far beyond me, why open old wounds if you were already free? "
Peeta sat there staring at her in silence not really knowing what to say.
"I figured you had moved on; gone about your day by day without giving me a second thought. After all, you didn't have anything to feel guilty about, you didn't really cheat on me. So I thought there was no point in disturbing the dead since you and I as a pair, were already dead."
Peeta couldn't speak, he just stared at her face, at the agony, at the weight of all the guilt she carried on her shoulders.
"Johanna would say 'A note dropped off at the bakery. You don't have to see him and he'll never know you were there.' She was positive you wouldn't ignore it. But you know how stubborn I could be."
With her hands wrapped in themselves, she sat there in a slump, her shoulders hunched over in defeat. This was Katniss in her most vulnerable she's ever been, opening up her heart.
"At the beginning I did want it to hurt." She sniffed. "Those first few weeks, were like a slow death. Peeta, you were the one person I depended on to never hurt me, to always be my rock. When that failed, I died, slowly, so, so slowly but instead of wallowing and becoming my mother, I stood myself up, let all the rage I had brewing inside, be my guide. I was blinded by jealousy and self doubt. Thoughts of not being good enough clouded my mind and I started to wonder if this had really been the only time. Maybe all those nights out with the guys were more of the same. Then I met Chloe, a silly sweet girl that made me like her. It was as if she reopened my wounds and rubbed acid on them. My nightmares had stopped being about my father dying and turned into you laughing at me while you screwed a monster. Meeting Chloe gave the monster a face and it killed me. See when I discovered she was the one you slept with, I was still in the belief that you had been unfaithful purposely. So my pain became hatred and I wanted nothing more than have you feel what I felt. That is where I was the most stupid, because it had been six months since I'd last seen you, what did you care at that point? As far as I knew, you probably had a new girlfriend by then."
Peeta sat there listening in awe finally getting all the answers to the questions that had tormented him for years.
"So I allowed Darius to get close and after months of platonic friendship even though he'd hinted he was interested in more, I finally gave in because I was tired of being angry and bitter and hurt. I wanted to feel good again, to feel anything except rage. Despite Finnick creeping up on me at that party to confess his sin, I was too far gone to stop myself. My head kept repeating that even though you were free from guilt, you still lay in another's arms. Chloe really can paint a pretty picture. So I should get to experience another body. He wanted me, so why shouldn't? You did! Did it matter or change anything that you were high at the time? No. I needed us to be even because I couldn't get you and Chloe out of my thoughts. I'm not trying to justifying myself, not at all. You want to know what happened? What was going on in my head? Here it is. It was stupid and it was unfair but nothing that happened since that night had been fair has it? Not for you, not for Chloe, not for me."
Her head hung in shame. She shivered.
The temperature in the exhibit room was quite low and her dress didn't offer much protection from the cold especially with the bare back. She must be cold. Peeta stood up, removed his suit jacket and placed it on her shoulders. He didn't know what to do with so much information. He couldn't lie to himself, the truth hurt but given her mindset, could he blame her? Can he still hold on to the anger at this point?
"Thanks." She mumbled adjusting the coat over her shoulders.
"Katniss, I…. I don't know what to say." He said standing before her.
"I don't expect you to say anything." She answered finally looking up at him, the sadness written all across her face. "You asked me the other day if you didn't rate the truth from me. You do. So here I am, sharing that truth with you. What you do with it, where you go from here, is entirely your choice and I will respect that no matter how it may hurt."
Her voice was impassioned, her eyes burned with determination.
"But never in the past eight years Peeta, have I ever stopped loving you."
Peeta froze.
"You asked why I was alone, why there was no one in my life. Well, because I couldn't have you. Because I refused to look you up and disrupt your life. Because I didn't want to be hurt by you again." Katniss stopped holding back the tears. "Because Darius wasn't you, because nobody could be you, because you have always been the love of my life."
She took a deep breath. "Peeta I still love you and I'm not asking you to take me back, much less love me. Not because I'm proud or beyond groveling but because I think you deserve better, someone who wouldn't hurt or torment you the way I have. But you need to know that I love you."
She sobbed openly now.
Peeta stood there, his own tears in his eyes, listening to every word this woman had to share with him.
Torment, she said. Torment indeed. Katniss Everdeen was the thorn in his side, the cross he's had to bear for years. She held him back despite her absence. She kept him from completely giving himself over to those who walked in and out of his life in these past eight years.
No. He will not blame her for his inability to move on. That is all on him or perhaps destiny that had laid a twisted path before the two of them.
Yes, she is his torment but she is also the air in his lungs; the hope in his heart; the inspiration in his hands, the light in his eyes. The sun, the stars, the moon and all things beautiful were nothing without her. He's known the despondency of her absence, the extreme loneliness of a life without her love. He's also known the joy of sharing the peace of her silence, the warmth of her skin, the grace of her smiles.
And here she was baring her soul, stripped bare before him, offering her heart, giving him the choice to do with it as he chooses.
He took the steps necessary to eliminate the space between them, grabbed her face between his hands and kissed her, kissed her with the kiss of his burning heart full of love for her, kissed her with the agony of eight years, yearning for her presence, kissed her with all the faith he held on to knowing this moment would eventually come to fruition. He kissed her because his existence depended on it. He kissed her because there was nothing for him to say, nothing really for him to forgive. They'd both been victims of circumstance, of the cruel jokes life likes to play. He kissed her because he loved her as well.
And she kissed him back. She kissed him with all the love her heart had been saving just for him. She kissed him with the guilt of her mistakes and the hope of his forgiveness. She kissed him because she never wanted to kiss another pair of lips for as long as she lived.
She wound her arms around his shoulders and he wrapped his own around her waist and they pulled each other in as if it were possible to fuse into one being, one soul, one heart. They could taste each other's tears, the bitterness of the years of tormented distance, the saltiness of broken hearts. They kissed as if there was no tomorrow and they only had this one moment to kiss.
"I have missed you so much." he said between sobs. "You have no idea how many nights I spent dreaming about having you in my arms one more time, having the chance to hold you one more time, kiss you one more time."
She wiped his cheeks with her hands placing kisses on his lips, his jaw, his nose, his eyes. He held her tight, afraid that if he let go she'd disappear and this had all been a cruel joke of his imagination.
"I'm not dreaming, am I?" He asked trying to catch his breath. He was afraid of opening of his eyes. "This isn't a dream?"
"No, it's not a dream." she whispered. "Peeta, look at me. I'm real and I'm here with you."
He opened his eyes to look straight into hers.
"I missed you, too. So, so much." She whispered against his lips. "I've dreamt about you, your arms, your lips, your eyes." She kissed him again.
They broke apart and just held each other tight not wanting to let go.
"Peeta?" She whispered into his neck. "Does this mean-"
"No Katniss, there is nothing to forgive." He took a deep breath and held her face to be able to look into her eyes. "I wanted to hear the truth, your truth and I did. That's enough for me. Your reasons...those are yours. This whole situation is all fucked up, if we start blaming and pointing fingers, we'll never stop."
He kissed her again.
"But Peeta, I don't want this to be something that might crawl between us later on...we both need this to be said and done." She was adamant. "We can't just take up where we left off as if nothing happened. Something did; eight years of loneliness and fear and missing each other."
"Fine, you need to hear it, fine. I forgive you; I forgive you for the years, for the lost time, for everything, whatever. I don't care. All I want is you; all I ever wanted is you. Now we need to move forward, finally, together."
"I love you." She said.
"And I love you." he answered. "But now I need you to do the same for me."
Katniss looked at him in confusion. "I don't understand."
"I need to apologize to you because this is it for me, Katniss. I'm in it for the long run and like you said, I don't want this to creep up between us, later on." he said vehemently.
"Peeta," Katniss began taking his face in her hands. "You don't have to do that, I don't hold you responsible for anything. Truly."
"But I am." whispered Peeta covering her hands with his own.
Her eyebrows furrowed.
"I am responsible for not standing up to Finnick;" he began. "I am responsible for letting people make decisions for me. I am responsible for not speaking up for myself when I should. No, I wasn't myself that night, but I could have left after one beer. I could have pushed Finnick to get some counseling when his behavior started getting destructive, instead of feeling guilty for being happy while he was miserable."
"Peeta, no-" Katniss tried to stop him from continuing.
"I'm sorry, Katniss." He took her hands and placed them over his heart. "I'm sorry that you hurt. I'm sorry for your tears. I'm sorry for torture that came along with befriending Chloe." he took a moment to take a breath while his eyes shone with unshed tears. "And I apologize for all the pain, all the years, all that lost time; I apologize for everything."
She smiled up at him wrapping her arms around his neck as he pulled her closer. "Fine, you need to hear it, fine." she stressed the final word. "I forgive you, for everything, whatever. I don't care. All I want is you; all I ever wanted is you." She beamed up at him as he recognized his own words.
"Now we will move forward, finally, together." she whispered in his ear.
He chuckled pulling her so tight, he lifted her off her feet and twirled her around.
After more kisses and holding each other in what seemed hours, they silently made their way to get themselves cleaned up. It wouldn't do for the entire party to see the two with splotchy eyes and runny mascara.
Peeta couldn't help the huge smile as they walked into the main room with Katniss on his arm. "Would you like to come over for coffee?" She offered as they made their way back to the main room. "Or some hot chocolate?" she chuckled, pressing her face against his bicep and looking up at him bashfully
He smiled and tapped her nose with his index finger. "I'd love to but…I can't." he hesitated. "I'm going out of town tonight."
"Oh!" was all she could respond. Her disappointment evident on her features.
"Yeah, early Christmas present from Rye, a boy's weekend in New York." He said somewhat embarrassed.
"Well that sounds like fun. Very generous of Rye." Katniss tried to sound cheerful.
"It was." He hesitated. "I don't have to go; if you want me to stay, I can stay?" He stopped and turned to face her, his hands on her waist.
"Of course you have to go. It's your brother, come on." She smiled. "I'll still be here when you get back."
"Really?" he asked
She smiled at him and pushed his hair off his forehead. "I'm not going anywhere."
"Yes you are!" from behind Peeta came a voice that sounded both excited and annoyed.
Katniss and Peeta turned to see Rye and Johanna smirking at them.
"Your bags are in a cab waiting for the two of you downstairs. If you're both willing, you better get going or you'll miss your flight." Johanna stated very matter-of-factly.
"Wha-" Peeta tried asking but Rye beat him to the explanation.
"Well, Jo and I thought you two kiddies could use the weekend away. You know, start afresh somewhere new, different. So…"
"So the other plane ticket…?" Peeta asked.
"The other plane ticket is for brainless if she wants it. Question is, do you want it?"
Everyone turned to look at Katniss.
"Uh, this was your time with your brother…I don't want to take that away." she sounded nervous.
"Pfft." said Rye dismissively. "You are not imposing on anything. If you want it, take it." Katniss turned to Peeta.
"I would love for you to join me if you'd like. Would you?" his voice was clear but his words were unsure.
She takes his face in her hands and tries to convey so much with her eyes. Can he see exactly how much she loves him and never wishes to be apart from him again?
He locks his hands around her hands to keep them there as if understanding her message.
"But…" she turns to Johanna, "I have that meeting on Monday morning, Haymitch would kill me if I miss it and I need to change and pack my bag."
"Nope, I have that meeting Monday morning. You, have fun this weekend. I took care of your bag and I have an outfit waiting in the ladies' room. I spoke to Haymitch and let him know that you deserve a break after all of this" She waved her arms around indicating the room. "Anything else?" She finished with a wink.
Katniss sighed. "You packed my bag?" She asked with mock worry.
Jo merely rolled her eyes, "Honestly woman can your wardrobe be any more boring?"
"So we're going to New York?" Peeta asked hopeful offering his hand.
"We're going to New York." She answered placing her hand in his and a sparkle in her eye.
High School, Junior Prom Night
"Because Katniss, I don't want her." He said slowly. "I'm exactly where I want to be."
She gulped and opened her mouth to speak but Peeta placed a finger over her lips.
"Shhh. There's no point in fighting over someone neither of us care about."
Peeta could tell that her breathing became labored. He was praying to every deity that it didn't mean she was about to knee him in the groin but that she was actually welcoming his proximity. Still the rise and fall of her chest was creating all sorts of havoc to his body. His finger began to move of his own accord tracing her lips, those lips that he's been longing to taste for so many years already.
Her eyes were wide, confused.
His eyes were dark, almost unfocused.
She was thrilled and scared all at the same time.
"Katniss," He whispered looking into her eyes. "…don't you know? Can't you feel it? Isn't it as obvious to you as it is to everyone else?"
She managed to shrug, unsure of her own voice.
"It's only you, Katniss. Always has been only you." He whispered.
"What?" she managed to squeak. Her heart was going to pound right out of her chest.
He chuckled. There was something in her face that filled him with hope. He felt like he could fly.
"I want you Katniss."
Her knees felt weak. If she hadn't been leaning against the desk, she'd have fallen.
"Bu-bu-bu-but I saw you…. tonight…with- "
"Shhh." He moved his fingers from her lips to cup her cheek in his palm. Her head automatically leaned into his touch.
"You saw me trying to forget that you were with Dalton." He continued. "It was a shitty thing for me to do, I know but…"
He took a deep breath. There was no turning back now, he had to tell her everything and then see where he stood. So he confessed that with Madge's help, they had the whole night planned out. Madge would pretend Gale was busy and couldn't take her to prom so that they could go as a group and end up at the roof of the bakery alone. There he would surprise her with a romantic confession of his feelings.
"I knew you didn't actually want to go to the prom at all and I didn't want to risk you turning me down if I asked you and believe me, I was dying to ask you." He dropped his hands into his pockets and stared at his feet.
"I'd planned the night out so meticulously…I just never counted on third parties getting in the way. That's when it all went to hell."
There was a heavy silence.
All the hope that had filled him moments ago was gone. Now he was afraid that he'd ruined their friendship and lost the only part of Katniss she was willing to share.
"Well, say something." His voice was heavy with nerves.
Her eyes snapped back to his. He was taken aback by the fire in them.
"You know damn well I don't know how to 'say something'." She said making air quotes and trying to imitate his tone. "I'm so… confused."
"How can I – "he tried to say taking a step towards her, but Katniss halted him holding up her hand.
"I should be furious with the two of you for lying to me."
He waited patiently as she continued.
"But I must be exhausted because I don't have it in me to be mad." She said resigned and sighed. "Although I really can't get over that whole Georgia thing, Peeta. You admitting to using her, pretty much makes you a tool and you really aren't that kind of guy."
He blushed.
"It doesn't matter what her intentions were to have her hands all over you. Were…you…jealous of Dalton?"
"Have you not heard anything I said?" Peeta asked in disbelief.
Katniss slightly shook her head "You haven't really been concrete about anything except your plans for prom. "
Peeta just stared.
"I told you in that stairwell that I'm awkward and socially unskilled so excuse me if I need you to spell things out for me. You talk about confessions of feelings you have yet to make…I don't want to assume anything."
Her voice was strong but her words were pleading. Besides, she was right.
He crashed himself against her and took her face between his hands. "I am in love with you." He said slowly, his eyes boring into hers. "I've always been in love with you, since the first time I heard you sing in Kindergarten. I will always be in love with only you because no matter how many girls you say throw themselves at my feet I only see you."
Katniss' mouth hung open. How many times has she dreamt of hearing those exact words come from his lips?
"Yes, I was jealous of Dalton, because it should've been me you spent the night dancing with, it should've been me making you laugh, making you smile. Don't you get that?" his voice was also pleading.
"But you do make me laugh and smile."
"Shut-up!" he smirked.
She didn't know what to say. The voice in the back of her head was screaming at her to confess her own feelings for him but her brain and vocal chords just couldn't connect. Deep down she was afraid that if she opened her mouth this magical moment would disappear and it will all have been a dream.
"Katniss?" Peeta needed her to say something, anything. Her silence was nerve wracking.
"Tell me about the rooftop…since I won't get to see it now."
"Well, I spent all day making your favorites. Rye helped me set up one of the bistro tables and chairs from the bakery and we placed candles and pillows everywhere. I think he was going to hang twinkle lights."
Katniss felt the strings of her heart pull tight.
"So while we were star gazing, I was going to take your hand in mine…" he continued while taking her hand in his large warm one. "…and tell you that to me you are the brightest and most beautiful star of them all. It's cheesy, I know, but in my dreams you cry and tell me you like me too and then…and then…"
"What?" she breathed.
He leans in closer to her face. "Then I lean in and kiss you." And so he does and time stands still.
The kiss was soft and sweet, just the lightest of pressure of his lips against hers while his hands gently caressed her face. Her hands went limp against her chest. It was a very tender moment.
Beneath it all was a whirlwind of emotions, pent up for years and waiting for just the right outlet. Their blood began to boil as it ran through their veins making their skin tingle. She forgot to breathe. He didn't want anything to burst the bubble that was keeping them afloat. The moment was beautiful. It was her first love kiss. It was his first love kiss.
When it ended, it did all too quickly. He pulled back to gauge her reaction, immediately she missed the closeness. When she finally opened her eyes, the eyes looking back at her could only be reflecting the same thing hers were trying to say. Faster than either of them could recall she threw her arms around his neck pulling him back to her.
"Me too, Peeta, me too!" and their mouths crashed.
This time it wasn't sweet or controlled. There was so much to say to each other but there was even so much more to feel. He wrapped his strong arms completely around her lifting her off the floor and aligned her body with his. Her fingers in one hand tangled themselves in his soft tendrils of hair while he sucked on her lower lip making a low moan erupted from deep in her throat. She gasped and he took the opportunity of her parted lips to explore her mouth with his tongue. When their tongues met, together they burst into flames. Neither of their dreams could have prepared them for the sheer bliss of this moment, so much better than they could have ever imagined.
If it wasn't because she needed to breathe that they even broke apart. Gasping for air, he leaned his forehead against hers.
"You too, Katniss? Does that mean you like me, too?" he managed to ask between breaths.
She opened her eyes and looked into his hopeful ones. Those eyes that make her heart flutter and her knees weak. Those eyes that give her strength in those moments when real life makes her want to give in. Those same eyes that make her feel like she really can fly.
"I love you, too, Peeta!" she whispered. "I've loved you for a very long time, now. I never considered choosing someone else over you."
To say that his heart grew three times its size at that moment would be an understatement. He was so full with love he felt it was pouring out of his pores. All he could do was squeeze her tighter.
His smile was so bright and beautiful it brought tears to Katniss eyes. They laughed together.
"Does this mean…" Peeta started, "…does this mean I can have you? Will you be mine?"
She smiled back at him sniffling. "I always have been, Peeta."
No more words were exchanged after that. Instead they fell onto the bed to make up for lost time.
Katniss changed quickly out of her party dress into an ivory sweater dress and tan suede boots. She was just pulling on her leather jacket when Johanna walked back into the room with Madge in tow. She ran her fingers through her hair which she had unpinned from the simple bun Cinna had twirled it into. It fell around her shoulders in soft waves.
"You look perfect." Madge said smiling. "Go have some fun."
"First, make sure you consolidate this deal" added Jo while wagging her eyebrows.
"I'm really gonna do this?" Despite the giddiness of the adventure and lightness in her heart, Katniss was nervous.
"Oh, you better!" Jo chided.
All three laughed.
She met Peeta outside the museum waiting by the cab. He'd changed out of his own suit into jeans and a sweater. He smiled at her and held out his hand to her which she took immediately.
The ride to the airport was quiet but with a serenity neither had felt in years.
It wasn't until they were waiting to board that Katniss turned to Peeta.
"So what's your plan, touristy, bohemian, foodie…what are we doing this weekend?" Her question was innocent. "I'm sure anything is possible, I just checked the weather report and it's supposed to be amazing."
"I don't know. Let's see where the wind blows, as long as we're together, right?" He looked at her like he had something on his mind.
"What is it?" she asked concerned.
He took a deep breath "What does this mean; what we're doing?" Peeta asked. "Does this mean…does this mean I can have you? Will you be mine?"
She looked into those beautiful nervous eyes, so full of love and yet clouded by doubt. "I always have been Peeta" and she leaned into him to press her lips to his. Soft and simple, just the act of touching him to offer reassurance, to offer comfort.
"Okay; and hey I'm sorry about the seats not being together. Rye always sits away from us in case he meets a pretty girl." Peeta rolled his eyes at his brothers' ways.
Katniss laughed. "There is no problem. Maybe one of our neighbors will want to trade?"
"Let's hope so."
They were seated in the same aisle but each had been given a window seat. Katniss was next to a lovely lady named Mags whom she didn't want to bother with a seat switch. The seat next to Peeta was vacant for the next few minutes, it's occupant hadn't boarded yet.
For it being such a late night flight, it really was full, Katniss thought, while Mags continued with her story.
"Peeta Mellark, as I live and breathe. Are you a sight for sore eyes?"
Katniss and Peeta turned toward the person who'd spoken immediately.
Through Peeta's face ran surprise, then recognition.
Katniss saw a younger woman with auburn hair, creamy colored skin and a smile like on a toothpaste commercial.
"Emma!" Peeta said as he stood from his seat to greet her. She pulled him in a little too happily, he really couldn't do much in such a tight space. Katniss just looked uncomfortably as this woman ruffled his hair.
Who the hell is Emma?
A/N. Thank you to anyone who might still be following this fic. This particular chapter has been sitting in my computer over two months waiting to be published. There are only two more chapters left for Peeta and Katniss' crazy journey through The Call to be over.
Your reviews are very much appreciated. Let me know what you think, yay or nay. Reviews are growth.
