A/N: Good evening everyone! Hope you enjoy this new chapter :) Sorry for the delay but yet again, real life gets in the way, together with other fics and ideas for future ones ;)
Have a good Friday and an even better weekend!
Disclaimer: Same as chapter 1-8.
Another moonless, cold night in January. London was its usual chaotic self. Life hadn't changed much. Sitting, facing the window, Anna looked into the darkness, her eyes longingly fixed on the street corner. The corner he would round when he came back home, if he ever came back home one day.
'What's the matter, my dear? Writing again?' Mrs Bates asked, watching as the expectant young mother rested a notepad on her lap, the pen loose between her pale fingertips.
'Yes…' Anna sighed, her free hand rubbing the sensation of a kick in her ever growing stomach. 'I have to write...to him. I can't not do it.'
'I understand,' the older woman approached her, placing a supportive caress on her shoulder. 'But, maybe-'
'No. I refuse to give up.'
'I wasn't going to say that. God knows I've not lost hope myself, he's my son. My only son,' Mrs Bates replied. 'But I think you should try to keep your thoughts somewhere else? I see you looking out of that window, day after day, at night I hear you tossing and turning in bed. It's not good for you, dear.'
'What else should I think about?' Anna faced her mother in law then, her eyes damp with unshed tears. 'My husband's missing, presumed dead. His child is due in less than one month.'
'Your child, now that's something you should focus on,' Mrs Bates smiled, trying to cheer the young woman.
'And I do…' Anna looked down at her stomach. Another kick, this time stronger than before. 'More than anything, and that's why I think of John. Because I fear that our child will grow without ever having met his father. Because I fear that...that all his memories will be tales, nothing more. I fear that my memories will be always the same, reliving them again and again, and thinking how beautiful our life would have been if he was here.' Her voice caught in her throat.
'You should think of this baby as new memories for you. Of a new life...a different one, but not necessarily worse,' the older woman said, but deep inside she knew she was fooling herself too. In vain, she feigned being strong, although at night she could hear Anna only because she was awake as well. Awake and crying over her dearest son.
'I don't want that. I refuse to think of my child as a replacement. I want both...I need both. A life without John...No.' Anna shook her head, cleaning away the tears that had slid down her cheeks. 'I refuse to think about that.'
Mrs Bates nodded, understanding her every word. 'I'll leave you to your writing then. I hope you can sleep better tonight.' She smiled at her daughter in law before placing a kiss atop her head. With that, Anna was left alone.
xxx
My John,
The little I sleep is to dream of you. Of us. I see you clearly, as if I was awake. You and our child. You hold her to your chest, rock her to sleep, sing. It's beautiful and it's overwhelming, and when I wake up I wonder if it has indeed happened. I swear I'm surrounded by your smell, I sense the warmth of your presence, the sound of your laughter, the gentleness of your smile. It's a her I see lately, a little girl that makes you so proud, so loving, so passionate about life...I open my eyes and see darkness then; the way my life is without you.
Perhaps I'm selfish. Perhaps I'm being irrational, I think many women would think that of me for being in this state of grace and not being happy. Overjoyed. How could I? How could I relish in a life of a mother without her husband, of a baby without its father? Because, you're not just my husband. You're my best friend, my soul mate, everything I've always dreamed of. You're half of me, of us. And how can we live only in halves? How unfair it is to not live wholly.
I do not give up hope though, ever. For myself, for you and for our child. We are waiting for you, John. We always will be. I know you are alive. I just know it. I feel it in my heart. I feel a sliver of life in me...I feel you in my dreams, as hopeful as I am, to come back home. It doesn't matter how long it takes, we will wait. And we love you so much.
With all my love,
Anna Bates.
Thank you all for reading :)
