I stared silently at the wall, inspecting the blank white that had been there for so long. Time was not something I felt I could understand anymore. Sometimes it passed so slowly I wanted to pull my hair out and throw a tantrum and other times I would blink and realize hours had passed… or was it days? Sometimes I inspected the ceiling, or the floor, but it didn't matter. Everything was that same dismal white. If it were not for gravity, I would forget which way was up.
I tried to forget. Everything. I tried so hard to erase the comfort, the warmth, the butterflies in my stomach, the way his name rolled off of my tongue, I tried to forget it all. Every day became slowly more distant, more blurred together. So many people often tell you that you are not alone, but I look at them and I don't feel any better.
Their stupid, pitying eyes, they tried to understand, they said that they did, but they didn't. At first, I denied my belief that he might come back, but then it turned to hope and with every passing day that hope turned into anger. Days turned to weeks, weeks to months, and not a word. More and more anger, hatred. I hadn't forgotten all of my pain and it hadn't ebbed any. Emotional pain never truly heals, it is always there, always waiting.
He knows everything.
Who was I thinking of now? I prayed to be saved, but instead of saved, I was hurt, instead of saved I was filled with false hope, instead of-
Instead of saved…
My eyes snapped open and I looked around the brightly lit room slowly.
And yet he hurt you.
The sky outside was a cheerful, pale blue, and the sliding door onto the deck was cracked open, letting in a nice breeze. That voice whispered in my ear again, telling me of how unfair this all was. He left you. He promised to stay and he left.
They all left too, those people who said that they understood.
Yes, they left too. That smoldering anger flared in my stomach. They gave up, because I couldn't respond, because I wasn't living up to their expectations, they disappeared. The further I retreated into my mind, the more frequent my attacks became.
This is his fault.
I shivered, that whisper so close to my ear. Nightmares. Beware, beware, my mind had said, beware. But all of that pain hurt so much that I almost welcomed the horrible attacks. It drowned out the regret and depression for a short time. Attack after attack, I knew what they were for. Turn, they said, turn, but something had happened that made me vulnerable.
Before, I had been so certain that I didn't want to die. It was too late now. I wished for it, but this anger kept me from doing anything. It kept me from telling anyone how much my heart ached. I wanted to get back, I wanted to return this sadness and anger and regret and hatred and, and… Betrayal. I wanted to return it tenfold.
I wanted the power that I was being offered and I wanted to use it to.
Shhh, wait, bide your time. It is close now.
I looked up as the attack broke over me.
The time is close now.
The world is not a kind place. Once upon a time I used to think otherwise. I believed that everyone was inertly kind to some degree, but I was wrong. Nobody was just kind for no reason, they wanted something, whether it be the satisfaction of doing a good deed or something more tangible, it didn't matter.
The world is not a kind place.
It's true that I never thought it would hurt so badly though. I still remembered that day so perfectly, that day at the hospital. God, that was such a long day. I was tired, confused, exhausted and emotionally unstable (though, since when had I ever been stable). I still remember how even after all that, my stupid idiot, no, Minamino-san, no-
I paused in my dance, dress coming to a lagging halt. I had taken to dancing all of the time, it didn't matter what I was doing. Some people took up knitting, or reading, or writing to help keep them calm after something terrifying, something that you never really heal from. I danced. Somehow, all of my problems seemed so much further away when I was focusing on turning my feet in the right direction.
I danced because everything else I did let me think. I didn't want to sit around and think, yet it happened anyway. Even standing there in my light, blue dress I only felt the weight on my shoulders grow heavier. I kept thinking about that day, where he told me that we were going home.
I was so happy. My heart could have exploded. I never questioned why he kept me, let me stay with him, why he saved me, somewhere in my heart I didn't want to believe that perhaps it wasn't because he just cared.
Instead of saved… I was broken.
I was irreparably broken and there was no going back from that. I looked and my arms felt like wet noodles, I just didn't have the energy to do anything. The pink-haired old lady, who I later learned went by the name of Genkai, kept me fed and kept me company a lot of the time (she was actually a lot nicer then I thought that she would be) but it just wasn't the same.
She couldn't replace that understanding that I had, no, the understanding that I had thought Shuuichi and I had. Apparently that was a lie, though. Apparently all of that vulnerability and time and- No. Now was not the time yet. Soon. The time would come soon. I couldn't tell you why I felt that way at the time, but I knew that something was going to happen, I just didn't know what, or when.
I just had to depend on those words.
The time is close now.
I was going to go crazy otherwise. That screaming in the back of my head, that place where all of my tears and sadness and disappointment went, that place where I sent all of those useless emotions. If I thought for too long I would feel those emotions creeping up on me, sliding into my heart, making me feel like I was going to die.
Heartbreak is a very odd emotion, a very odd entity. I always imagined that if you cried and gave it time, you could get over anything, but heartbreak just hurts. You literally feel like something is trying to crush the pumping organ in your chest. It's physically painful as well as emotionally painful and it didn't just go away. I didn't think that it ever would.
Perhaps if Minamino-san apologized it could have minimized that pain, if he had just put even the slightest bit of faith in me it might not feel like I couldn't breathe. But he didn't, and I wouldn't let him now. I was incapable of forgiving him, all of that adoration and respect had turned into burning hatred.
All I wanted to do was kill him.
With a frustrated sigh I returned to my spinning, trying to distract myself from those murderous thoughts. Some part of me hurt whenever they came up and I didn't need any more hurt, I already had buckets of it. Finally, I found that dancing just wasn't helping anymore and I wandered off to the library (a room filled with books) to go and bury myself inside of some random story.
Even if the act did remind me of a certain know-it-all male. Walking over I picked up from where I left off in that book from before 'The Old Ones'. Sitting in a large, comfortable chair, I tucked my feet beneath me and settled in to read for a while. Hopefully most of the day and then I could simply fall asleep. I doubted it, but one could hope.
One could hope.
—
My nose pressed into the type, words probably imprinting on the small appendage, but that didn't matter. The bone screamed as I lifted my face from the crevice between the two pages of my large tome. I tasted metal on my lips and realized that my nose was gushing blood. I swore under my breath, realizing that my face must have hit the thick novel hard enough to break.
I reached up and mercilessly cracked it back into my face, hissing in pain. I'd had worse, and had broken my nose before, but that didn't mean that I was immune to the sensation. Groaning, I searched for the cause of my injury, searching the room carefully with my chilly eyes. The house had been shaking a moment ago, hard enough to throw me on the floor, but what was the cause?
Was it simply an earthquake?
My pale lips pursed and I knew that my assumption was wrong. It was happening. I didn't even know what 'it' was, but 'it' was happening. The time had come, I was ready to launch into my plan, I was ready for what was coming. I was ready to accept the offer that had been sitting under my nose for so many years.
My heart leapt into my throat as I stood, frozen into place, my head tilted back to keep from bleeding too much. Finally, it was time for my revenge.
Finally.
I found a tissue and shoved it up my nose to at least hold the blood at bay for the time being.
The house rocked again, but this time I was ready and held steady, taking off the moment it was over. I just ran, not really having a destination in mind, but wherever I was going, I definitely had to run. My heart leapt into my throat on the next violent vibration as I nearly lost my footing. Tripping would have pitched me headfirst through a window.
Adrenaline began to pump through my veins and excitement melted toward panic. I could keep calm in most situations, but this was too much like a nightmare to be happy. What if it was? I paused in my running, looking behind me in worry. Dust was falling slowly from the ceiling, but there was nothing for me to truly run from. Yet.
With a huff, I turned forward again, my legs already burning and my bare feet pounding from all of the slapping against the hard floor. I was not exactly the prime example of a runner. Deep breaths slid in and out of my mouth, chest heaving. My small hands used my knobby knees as a place to lean against and I focused on breathing until my heart stopped feeling like it was coming out of my body.
That was when a growl echoed down the otherwise silent hallway. I looked behind me, wide-eyed, there wasn't anything still, but I wasn't going to stay until the source of that sound found me. My exhaustion forgotten, I continued running.
I still had no idea where I was going, but my subconscious did apparently. I never slowed or hesitated even though I really, truly had no idea what was going on. I tasted metal on my tongue and realized that the tissue had become useless, I was bleeding again. I couldn't rub it, though, the intense aching hurt too much to do so. I closed my eyes and kept going, hoping that wherever I was headed would be able to fix this.
I did not want to die because of something as dumb as a broken nose. Those things will bleed continuously unless you stop them, and here I was, running.
Don't stop.
I jumped at the sound of that echoing voice in my head. It was far louder now, as if closer, stronger, readier. Of course it would be, now was the time.
Yes, yes, so close. So close.
My mind began to singularly focus on getting wherever we were going. I wanted to be there now. This horrible wait had to have been for something. The growl echoed again, closer this time. I pushed forward faster, toes barely touching the floor. If I were to fall at this speed… Well, a broken nose would be the least of my worries.
I burst into my own room and finally came to a halt, a stitch in my side hindering both my breathing and my capability to do much else. I coughed, now feeling simple pain creeping over me and radiating from my face. I ached all over in a very unpleasant fashion. That was when it happened. Somehow I had imagined that when I finally reached the right time I would feel very powerful and in control.
It was anything but.
"You're tiny." A hot breath puffed against my neck and surprised me so badly that I shrieked, a hand flying up to my neck, and spun around, tripping in my haste to back up. I almost wished that I hadn't decided to turn around because the thing in front of me was definitely a monster straight out of my nightmares.
My lungs froze and I could feel a shiver working its way up my spine. The huge presence in the doorway was insanely difficult to ignore. My eyes traveled up the giant, furry form slowly, lungs barely even twitching. Shallow breaths punctuated the heavy silence and the muscles in my arm twitched under the pressure.
"So tiny." It repeated and I felt my breathing come to a halt. That thing had not only spoken, but it was speaking about me. My glowing, silver eyes met the thing's horrible face, and my minuscule fluttering breaths came to a halt entirely. "Yes, perfect." It said, and then those dark lips spread into a terrible grin, sharp canines shining in the late afternoon light.
My lungs finally expanded in a deep breath, air sliding into my screaming trachea. I was no longer paralyzed with fear, but sudden movement seemed like a very stupid, likely life-threatening idea. I stared up and then one, meaningless thought passed through my mind. My shivering stilled and that thought became far more meaningful.
"Shuuichi." I murmured under my breath, and in that moment the screaming that had been sitting in the back of my head for months became a whole lot louder.
—
A/N: So, my dear readers, this is in fact the end of part one. Yup, I am in fact aware of the cliffhanger, but don't you worry. Part two will come far sooner then you might think. So, read, review and perhaps I might be persuaded to put part two up quite soon.
~ Your dear author,
Nami
