The pie was rather bland and the crust dry, so he just poked at it. He wished there was a bar somewhere nearby, but he didn't want to leave the hospital in case something happened to Cas. He would go if Sam were here to watch him, but he went off to clean all of Cas's stuff. He sighed, he was Dean freaking Winchester, and one thing he doesn't do is kiss dudes. Why the hell did he kiss Cas like he was a baby? And why did he stroke his beard? He hated facial hair, so scruffy and itchy. He's not gay dammit. Guys don't do it for him.
By all rights, he should be mad at Cas, for not listening to him, leaving him again, getting into trouble. Every time he tries to feel angry though, it just fizzles and becomes more of a feeling of contentment, sometimes happiness. It's like he can't stay mad at the angel, man now, for long. He's just helping out a friend, that's all. So what if he kissed him, it was on the forehead not on the lips. It's not like he was trying to French kiss him, he just wanted to reassure Cas everything was ok. That smile though, and the way Cas just relaxed under him, it made him feel good too. God, he wished he had a shot of whiskey right now.
Now that he had a moment to think, what was really eating him though was what Cas might have said when he was in a delirium. Did he say 'I love you'? To him? Like there was anything worth to love in him. But this was Cas, a guy. Who is also his best friend. Who is a guy. Who might be in love with him. Shouldn't he be freaking out rather than oddly being ok with that? He loves the ladies, and they love him. That's a fact that isn't changing anytime soon. Yeah, he cares for Cas…but…well he and Cas have a thing. A freaking profound bond for Pete's sake. So what the hell does that mean? Sighing, he went out of cafeteria to head back to the hotel to maybe catch some shut eye, something he can't do when he's around Cas.
All he remembered before drifting off to sleep was a little bit of pressure on his forehead from Dean. Realizing that Dean was kissing him, a small quick one yes, but it was a kiss from Dean. His tenseness and pain seemed to melt away and he fell asleep happy. Now he was awake and Dean wasn't there. That made him feel sad, but it did not surprise him. It was too much to hope that Dean would stay by his side while he was recovering.
He had no idea how long he was out this time, but he certainly felt much better than the first time he woke up. Breathing still hurt, but he felt more cognitive and rested. And warm, he hasn't felt this warm in ages. Looking down, he saw was in a gown that hospitals give patients. They must have changed him, and probably bathed him when he was out. Not that he was dirty, he did take a shower a couple of days ago.
To his right was his phone on the nightstand. Picking it up, he looked to see if there were any messages from Sam. There wasn't, but he checked the call log. The first time he called Dean he saw that it lasted for a couple hours, which was impossible. He could barely recall the first couple minutes when he called Dean. Dean must have kept the line open as long has he could, before the charge went out. He and Sam must have been trying to reach him even though he was out of it. Just then, Sam popped his head in to see if he was awake.
"Hey Cas, you feeling better?" Sam asked.
He nodded, "yes, thank you for bringing me here. Dean said I would have died if I had stayed where I was." Sam took the chair that was previously occupied by Dean. "Where is Dean?" he asked.
"Uh…he went to get some sleep since you were out. That was early this morning though, he should be back soon."
"Oh. How long have I been here?" The sleeping aids have skewered his sense of time which was usually impeccable.
"A day and a half, you came here the night before last. Dean was by your side most of the night the first night. You've been pretty out of it." Sam added with a small smile. "I washed all your stuff and the nurse said you can probably go home this afternoon." Sam leaned in closer, "and you coming home with us. We will drag you there Cas if we have to. And I already packed up everything for you."
"I think I can deal with it Sam, if you and Dean are ok with me being there."
"Dude, you never needed to ask." Sam smiled back leaning in the chair. "I already had Kevin set up a room for you. "
Dean walked in at that moment, and his and Dean's eyes locked. Dean look more tired, and his eyes were slightly bloodshot. "Sam, can you give me and Cas a minute here?" Dean asked wearily. He had a suddenly bad feeling crept up his spine like a chill. Sam nodded and gave Cas a look of encouragement and gave Dean a stern look before heading out and closing the door.
Walking to the end of the bed, Dean placed his hand on the edge and rested his entire weight on bed frame. He was looking down and was taking deep breathes. "Cas," Dean said in a low voice, "you gotta be honest with me." Dean looked up at him, "do you love me Cas?"
He was caught by surprise, this was something so uncharacteristic of Dean to talk about his emotions. Clearly it was bothering him a great deal to make him talk about it. Unfortunately, he had no idea how to respond since he was so flabbergasted.
Dean however went on, "cause I heard you, when you had your fever Cas. I'm pretty sure you said you love me. But you had a fever man, so you weren't thinking straight..er, I mean, clearly. We all say crazy things when you're sick."
It was obvious Dean was giving him the chance to back out what he think he said, which he didn't recall at all. He could both lie and say he was delirious to preserve his friendship with Dean. Or he could tell the truth that he loves Dean, he thinks, and more than likely end their friendship. That small kiss though from earlier though was giving him mixed signals. Was Dean trying to confirm he felt the same way? Was this a test?
His heart rate increased a bit as indicated by the heart monitor, causing Dean to look at the machine then him. Looking at Dean, he took a moment before he spoke. "I do Dean, but if that's a problem, I can go on my own again. I don't want to cause any unease for you, nor do I have the emotional fortitude to be around you if you are not ok with that."
Dean looked at Cas straight in the eye when he gave what felt was an ultimatum. He felt backed into a corner. He wasn't sure if he would ever be ok knowing Cas likes him like that. It's flattering yeah, but…what if Cas wants to make out? Or, get it on with him. Those ideas do make him slightly nauseous. On the other hand, if he shuts this down, then Cas was going to disappear again, probably for good again. It was blind luck Sam found him in the first place. He doesn't think he could handle that, not again.
So he was honest, "I don't know Cas. I don't swing that way, but I don't want you running off either." He walked over beside the bed and sat in the chair, leaning towards Cas. "Look, I'm cool with you being...uh, liking guys, but I don't know how I feel about you liking me."
Cas looked at him with a hard stare, like he was trying to hold back something before he replied. "Then why did you kiss me Dean?"
He looked down, he was hoping Cas didn't remember that. "I don't know. But look," he said looking back up, "that was just a small good night kiss ok? I meant nothing by it."
"Wrong Dean, people do that to small children to soothe them or to ones they love. You don't do that with Sam or anyone else." Cas replied, sinking his argument. The tone he used was flat though, and hard. It made him feel uncomfortable. And when he's uncomfortable, he gets mad.
"Well, want do want me to say Cas?! Do you want me to kiss you? Cause that ain't happening man. I'm not gay."
"Then I will go." Cas said in a low neutral voice, but when he looked at his eyes…his anger disappeared as quickly as it came. There were tears forming in his eyes but Cas kept on going, "I need to rest Dean before they discharge me."
Feeling like a jackass, he needed to fix this, "Cas, c'mon, I can't"
"What part I need to rest escaped you Dean?" Cas replied coldly, turning his back to him as best he could. Fine, if Cas wanted to pout, then he'll let him. Sam can talk him down hopefully. He, he needed to find a real drink, and fast. Getting up, he walked over to the door and let himself out
And directly into Sam who was standing right in front of him blocking his path. He had his arms crossed and had the classic 'you messed something up' face when he saw how he stomped out of the room. "Before you run off Dean, tell me what I'm going to find in there."
He quickly ducked around Sam, "you ask him," he huffed before he turned the corner. This hospital seemed like it was closing in on him, that everyone was looking at him. Accusing him of being an ass and douchebag, he can hear Sam's accusatory voice already. No, he needed out, and drink cause Cas, Cas was tearing him up inside.
Sam came in as soon as Dean left, but he pretended to be asleep hoping he would go away. He was already planning his escape from the Winchesters as soon as he was able to. It seems that Sam already gathered up his meager belongings, so he might have to start over. He had nothing to begin with, he can do it again.
"Oh jeez Cas, you can drop I'm asleep act." Sam said sternly. "What did you two fight about now?"
Oh well, he doubted he could fool Sam. Opening his eyes, he looked at the tall man who was towering over him even though he was at the foot of the bed. "I do not want to go to the bunker or co-habitat with Dean. It is preferable and…easier for both of us."
"So what, you're going to go back on the streets, scraping by to live, not even trying to find a way to help the angels?"
"It is evident they, or Dean, do not need my help Sam." he replied in a matter of fact tone.
Sam rolled his eyes, "ok, what did you and Dean talk about then?"
"He asked if I loved him." Sam's jaw dropped as if he was shocked at that revelation. Given the period of silence it took for him to respond, he guessed it had.
"Let me get this straight, Dean…my brother Dean who's so emotionally constipated and macho asked if you loved him?" Sam finally asked.
It was his turn to roll his eyes. There was a perverse pleasure when he did so, now he knew why humans did this often. "Yes. And I answered yes, as you already know. He did not appreciate the sentiment. I was confused by the kiss he gave…"
He got cut off, "wait, he kissed you too? Like when?"
"Last night before I went to sleep, he kissed me so I would sleep easier. On the forehead saying it was a good night kiss." He sighed, "These human emotions are difficult for me to manage when he's around Sam. It would be easier for him and me not to see each other."
Sam came over and sat by him on the bed, "Cas, that might be easier, it always easier to run. But that hurts more in the long run, the regret will eat you up."
"So what would you want me to do Sam? Go back with you so he can ignore me, or be uneasy whenever I'm around? That isn't a solution, that…that would be cruel for me Sam. The answer is no. I am not going back with you."
"I can't speak for Dean Cas, but you're my friend too. I won't let you go back to the streets, not in the dead of winter." Sam thought for a moment, "so you don't want to go back to the bunker, fine. There's still Rufus's old cabin, you can live there. It isn't much, but it has books, a fireplace, hot water. We hardly ever use it now, and it's safe too."
He mulled it over. The cabin was in an isolated, secure and a warded location. He could winter there, and if need be, he could use it as a jump off point while he gathered himself for his next move. "That would be acceptable Sam."
Sam let out a relived breathe he was holding, "ok, great. Let's go before Dean gets back. I already have the paperwork discharging you."
He nodded while Sam got up and got him his cleaned clothes from the bag he brought earlier. The illness he had been plagued with is receding, but he still felt very tired and weak. However, the faster he can get out of here, the better. Calling for the nurse, he was ready to leave this sad place.
