The Sweetest Gift

(Chapter Nine: Stepping Stones)

Olivia sat in the floor leaned against the wall staring at the crib across the room. She studied the embroidered edge on the little pink blanket that covered her sleeping daughter and could hear the doctor as he spoke to a nurse at the desk across the hall about Tessa's progress. The room was dark and lit only by the glow of sunlight seeping in around the blinds on the window. She felt the warmth of her tears as they ran slowly down her cheek and had never been more exhausted in her life.

"Hey," Elliot said softly from the doorway as she raised her head to look at him.

Olivia smiled a tired smile as he handed her a Starbucks cup.

"I almost didn't see you there, it's so dark in here. How's our girl?"

Olivia drew a staggered breath and choked back more tears.

"She finally fell asleep. Everything's about the same," she whispered. "She had another seizure about an hour ago."

"Bad?"

"She's a baby, Elliot. They are all bad," she replied not realizing she had snapped at him.

"Have they figured out what is causing them?"

"They haven't told me much," she said looking over her shoulder into the hallway. "They don't realize I can hear them. The doctor said she was having a reaction to the medication they gave her to help with the withdrawal. He discontinued it."

She watched as Elliot leaned over the side of the crib to kiss the sleeping baby girl.

"What's this?" he whispered inspecting the IV taped to the little girl's foot.

"They put her on a morphine drip to help with the pain of the withdrawal."

"Morphine in a baby?"

"She is a very sick little girl, El. And I am not sure how much more of this we can take," she sobbed.

Elliot sat down beside her and slipped his hand into hers.

"She is strong. She's very tough. She has already been through more than most people will go through in their entire lives and she is only a few weeks old. She can do this. As long as she has her mommy here with her for support, she can do anything."

"I'm not helping her. I don't know how to help her. Every time she breathes funny I freak out. I have never been so scared in my life," she said as a tear fell from her cheek and landed on his hand.

"It is scary. When your baby is sick or hurt and there isn't anything you can do to fix it. There is nothing worse than feeling completely helpless when your child is hurting, knowing you would give anything to make it better or gladly trade places with them and you can't. It is heartbreaking, Olivia. But it is all part of being a parent."

"I'm not so good at this part," she said turning to look at him with sadness in her eyes. "Maybe I wasn't ready for this….any of this. Maybe I am not cut out to be a mother. It's very likely that things could get worse from here. She could have permanent brain damage, or she could end up being blind or def or suffer from any extent of mental retardation. She could keep having seizures….she could still die," she whispered and he would see the fear in her eyes.

"But would any of that change the way you feel about her? Would it make you love her less?"

"Of course not."

"You are an amazing mother, Liv. And right now you are doing the absolute best thing you can for your daughter by just being here with her. She knows her mommy is here with her, she knows she isn't alone. She knows she is safe and loved and she knows that her mommy loves her more than anything else in the world and will do everything she can to help her through this. She has never known any of that. Not until you. Gladys may have given birth to that child, Olivia, but she is your daughter. And you are her mommy….her entire world."

Elliot raised his arm, placing it around her and pulling her into him.

"You are exhausted," he said kissing her tenderly. "You should try to get some rest while she is sleeping."

"What if she needs me?"

"I'll be right here. I will wake you if anything changes, I promise. You need to recharge. I'll take watch over Tessa for a while."

He watched as Olivia yawned and closed her eyes as she nestled her head into his chest. Moments later she was sleeping soundly.

It was just over an hour later when Olivia opened her eyes as the nurse brushed past them entering the room.

"What's going on?" she asked looking up at Elliot.

"They're just checking her IV and changing her diaper," he answered as the baby began to fuss once more.

"How is she doing?" Olivia asked rising to her feet and approaching the crib.

"Her stats look good," the nurse replied with a smile as Tessa looked around the room. "Hello there angel," she cooed to the baby. "She'll probably want to sleep a lot over the next few days. She try not to worry if she sleeps more than usual, it could be a reaction to the morphine. She will probably be fussy for a while as well. It takes their little bodies a while to adjust to the treatment."

"How long will she have to be on that?" Elliot asked.

"It is a very slow drip. The doctor will start slowly weaning her off of it in the next day or so. Right now we just want to make sure we keep her stabilized."

"But this is far from over," the doctor said from across the room. "Tessa is suffering from a condition we doctors refer to as neonatal abstinence syndrome, which is similar to the symptoms that plague adults going through withdrawal. Common symptoms that babies exhibit after they're born are things like irritability, difficulty with feeding and difficulty breathing," he replied. "Infants exposed to opioids in utero also tend to have a hard time sleeping and are nearly three times more likely to have low birth weight, which has been linked to developmental problems. Withdrawal symptoms do not seem to do long term damage after birth. Since withdrawal is caused by an abrupt decline in the dose of drug in the body, hospitals typically treat affected babies with low doses of methadone, morphine or other opioids that are similar to what their mothers were taking. These drugs are then tapered slowly to avoid, or at least minimize, withdrawal symptoms. We didn't catch the severity of Tessa's condition until we had removed her from the medications we had her on for pain from the surgery. Her little system has been through quite a shock, but she is doing much better. Now that we better understand her condition and have a proper diagnosis we have been able to tailor a treatment plan to fit her needs. Babies born addicted to crack cocaine can suffer permanent side effects. This is liable to effect her for the rest of her life. Every case is different. We just have to take this one step at a time. The next few days will tell us a lot. I'm not going to sugar coat this, things will be pretty tough on her for a while. She will probably cry quite a bit. Every inch of her tiny little body will react to the loss of the drugs she has been on since conception. The morphine will help with the pain. It may also make her drowsy. But sleep will help her build up the strength she needs to fight through the next few days. This is going to be very hard on her and on you, momma. But your little girl is a fighter. She is strong and she can do this. She needs all of the love and support you can offer, this is likely to be the hardest thing she will face in her life. She needs you now more than ever, she needs to know that you are here with her. Tessa is doing very well now that we got her on a treatment that works for her. If she continues making this kind of progress, she can probably go home in a week or so."

"Really?" Olivia asked in relief.

"Yeah," he cooed scooping Tessa up in his arms as she kicked and smiled at him.

"Is she gonna be okay?"

"She has had a rough few days, but I expect her to make a full recovery. I want to make sure we can keep these seizures away and make sure she doesn't have some kind of underlying condition. I'll want to monitor her over the next few years to see how this will effect her development. Sometimes it is hard to tell exactly how much babies are effected when they are exposed in utero like she was. So far her heart and lungs sound really good and she seems to be growing well. Does she have a pretty healthy appetite?"

"She pretty much has a feeding schedule lined out now and eats good."

"That's a really good sign," he replied smiling down at Tessa as she fussed and began to suck on her fist. "You are probably getting hungry now."

Tessa stared up at him and grunted as if answering him.

"I'll hand you off to your mommy and I'll have them bring you some lunch little lady," he said patting the baby gently.

"Thank you doctor," Olivia replied cradling her little girl and kissing her gently on the forehead. "Mommy loves you so much, sweetheart," she whispered softly. "Don't be scared angel, you are never alone. I am always here for you. We'll get through this together."

Elliot smiled, tears welling in his eyes as he watched Olivia kiss her baby daughter and sway slowly with the little girl in her arms. To watch her with Tessa, to see what a natural she was at motherhood, you would never guess that Olivia herself had never fully experienced this kind of bond with her own mother. She was truly the strongest and most amazing person he had ever met in his life.