IX. Scene three. Blink. (The Hunchback of Notre Dame)
All songs (Menken/Schwartz) unless otherwise indicated
[JACK SPARROW the pirate is drinking a bottle of rum and talking to himself.
JACK. And if I ever ha' a daughter, I'm going to name her Sally.
[Twenty years later—all time is relative?—SALLY SPARROW SALLY breaks into a dilapidated house.
Song. CREEPY WESTER DRUMLINS (THE BELLS OF NOTRE DAME)
SALLY. EVENING IN LONDON, THE CITY ASLEEP:
I'M AT CREEPY WESTER DRUMLINS—
I'M AN URBAN EXPLORER—I'LL TAKE A PEEP
AT THE CREEPY WESTER DRUMLINS.
IT SEEMS THAT I MUST BE LIVING
OFF THE DOLE, THOUGH I'M CURRENT AND CHIC
AND SOME SAY IT'S ALL RIGHT THAT THIS
EPISODE'S LIGHT ON THE DOCTOR—
IT'S CREEPY WESTER DRUMLINS.
[She goes through the ruined rooms taking photographs and barely noticing the WEEPING ANGELS standing around everywhere.
SALLY. Old things make me feel sad, and since I'm a perkier, more pragmatic Emily the Strange, it means I like to be sad. I like talking to myself and don't think there's anything odd about angel statues, even if they have ghastly fingernails.
[She starts peeling away wall paper.
SALLY. HERE'S SOMETHING NIFTY, I THINK I'LL PURSUE
THIS IN CREEPY WESTER DRUMLINS.
"HEY, SALLY SPARROW, I'M TALKING TO YOU,
IN CREEPY WESTER DRUMLINS.
BEWARE OF THE WEEPING ANGELS,"
SAYS THE DOCTOR, "LOVE, 1969,"
AND THERE IS MORE AS THIS
SHADOW ON THE FLOOR CLOSES IN—
IN THE CREEPY WESTER DRUMLINS—
WEEPING ANGELS. ANOTHER PARODY!
[SALLY spins around, doesn't see the ANGELS moving, and resumes reading the message.
SALLY. "Duck! . . . Duck . . . duck . . . duck . . . goose"?
[A stone goose flies past SALLY and breaks against the wall.
Woken up by her phone ringing, KATHY NIGHTINGALE rolls out of bed. SALLY is on the phone.
SALLY. I FOUND IT! AN
EMPTY HOUSE TO
HIDE AWAY.
KATHY. WHAT? WHERE ARE YOU?
SALLY. I'M IN YOUR HOUSE, I'M
MAKING TEA,
IS THAT OKAY?
[Downstairs KATHY's brother LARRY walks in on SALLY.
SALLY. DIES IRAE, DIES ILLA . . .
[KATHY runs in.
KATHY. (to LARRY) SEE THERE THE INNOCENT EYES YOU HAVE SINNED,
BACK FROM WESTER DRUMLINS?
NOW I'VE GOT TO ESTABLISH YOU'RE KIN—
LARRY. WHAT IS THIS WESTER DRUMLINS?
KATHY. STEVEN MOFFAT LOVES WITTY WORDPLAY—
THE ONLY GRACE THAT SAVED THIS SHOW— (holds up a DVD of Jekyll)
BUT WE'RE YOUNG AND WE'RE CHARMING AGAINST
THE ALARMING SCARE—
THE SCARE OF WESTER DRUMLINS.
LARRY. DUDE, WHATEVER YOU SAY!
[The next day, KATHY and SALLY go back to Wester Drumlins.
SALLY. NOW HERE IS A RIDDLE TO GUESS AS YOU FROWN,
WHILE IN CREEPY WESTER DRUMLINS—
WHY DO THE BRITISH HAVE THESE ALL AROUND? (motions to angel statues)
IN CREEPY, CREEPY, CREEPY, CREEPY
CREEPY, CREEPY (KATHY checks her watch)
CREEPY WESTER DRUMLINS.
[KATHY and SALLY explore.
KATHY. Where is that Psycho music coming from?
[The doorbell rings. SALLY goes to answer it. She opens the door.
Song. FREAKY GUY (OUT THERE)
SALLY. AND WHO ARE YOU?
GRANDSON. JUST SLIGHTLY FREAKY
GUY WHO'S TOLD TO GIVE YOU THESE LETTERS
FROM A FRIEND.
MY GRANDMA, KATHY NIGHTINGALE—
NOW YOU LOOK UPON ME WITH FEAR.
SALLY. Um, you're insane, go away. But leave those letters.
[She runs upstairs. KATHY is gone. There are three WEEPING ANGELS, one holding a Yale key.
SALLY. I SUSPECT
THAT THIS IS VITAL—
[SALLY leaves and reads the letter.
Song. PLOT OF MIRACLES (THE COURT OF MIRACLES)
KATHY. (in the letter) MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF A TERRIBLE PLACE
WHERE NOTHING EVER
HAPPENS AT ALL—
MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF A BORING OLD PLACE
IN 1920—
HELLO, IT'S HULL!
YOU MAY NOT BELIEVE
AND THOUGH THERE'S NOT MUCH SENSE
MOFFAT CAN ACHIEVE;
SUSPEND DISBELIEF,
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS, PLEASE!
[SALLY takes out KATHY's wedding photo.
KATHY. I GOT TO WEAR PRETTY PERIOD COSTUMES
THOUGH WORLD WAR TWO WAS REALLY DISMAL—
SALLY, IN THIS PLOT OF MIRACLES,
WOULD YOU GO TALK TO MY BRO?
[SALLY goes to the DVD shop where LARRY works. LARRY is watching a strange DVD.
SALLY. That's not porn, is it?
LARRY. Why would a guy in glasses talking to a screen be porn?
PARODY WRITER. Well . . .
LARRY. SALLY, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS PLOT OF MIRACLES—
A MODERN DVD EASTER EGG—
HERE IS THE LIST OF THE DVDS HE'S ON—
SALLY. JESUS, YOU MUST BE PULLING MY LEG!
THE DOCTOR. (in the Easter egg) I can hear you.
SALLY. No, you can't.
THE DOCTOR. Yes, I can.
SALLY. Can't! Can't! Can't!
THE DOCTOR. Blast, this wasn't in the transcript!
[STEVEN MOFFAT screams and tears out his hair.
LARRY. WHAT WAS IT YOU WANTED TO TELL ME
ABOUT MY SISTER, SALLY?
SALLY. ER, NOTHING AT ALL!
[She leaves and goes to the police station. There she meets DI BILLY SHIPTON.
Song. A GIRL LIKE YOU (A GUY LIKE YOU)
BILLY. A GIRL LIKE YOU
IS HOT, AS AM I—
A GIRL LIKE YOU
A GUY DOES NOT MEET EV'RY DAY—
THOUGH YOUR COAT
IS FROM OXFAM, I
TELL YOU TRUE
LIFE IS SHORT.
[He takes her to a car park where there are dozens of cars and the TARDIS.
SALLY. A BLUE PHONE BOX—
BILLY. FROM EV'RY ANGLE—
SALLY. WHY'S IT HERE,
WHAT DOES IT DO?
BILLY. YOU'RE A FOX—
I'D LIKE TO TANGLE
IN YOUR SWEET HAIR—
SALLY. NOW STOP RIGHT THERE!
BILLY. A GIRL LIKE YOU.
SALLY. A GUY LIKE YOU
IS RATHER INTRIGUING
SO YOU WILL GET
MY NUMBER, MAYBE MORE . . .
[She leaves.
BILLY. OH NO, THESE STATUES
ARE ME BESIEGING . . .
[The ANGELS surround him and send him back to 1969.
THE DOCTOR. IT REALLY STINKS—
MARTHA. OH, YOU THINK?
BILLY. FOR SURE!
Where'd the beautiful babe go?
THE DOCTOR. Billy, this doesn't make sense, even to me—
MARTHA. Just go with it.
[In 2007 SALLY gets a call from BILLY.
SALLY. In the hospital? How kinky!
[BILLY is now an old man.
BILLY. YOU WILL GAPE
IF I EXPLAIN THIS—
BUT SALLY, GIRL,
WE'VE GOT TO BE POIGNANT!
SALLY. PIECE OF CAKE—
I'LL SAY IT PLAIN, THIS
ROLE IS GREAT—
BILLY. YOU ENTERTAIN,
A GIRL LIKE YOU.
[BILLY dies. SALLY ponders the Yale key, the DVD list, and goes to LARRY. They watch THE DOCTOR's message on DVD in Wester Drumlins.
Song. TIMEY WIMEY (HELL FIRE)
THE DOCTOR. HI, THERE, SALLY, LARRY,
I'M BARELY IN THIS EPISODE
BUT MY PRESENCE, IT IS QUITE COOL.
LARRY. I'M GONNA ADD THIS TO THE TRANSCRIPT . . .
THE DOCTOR. SALLY AND LARRY
QUANTUM LOCKS MAKE YOUR HEADS IMPLODE—
THE ANGELS HAVE THE PHONE BOX, AS A RULE . . .
LARRY. LET'S GET A T-SHIRT WITH THAT ON IT . . .
THE DOCTOR. BUT DON'T BLINK, DON'T BLINK—
THE TERROR-STRICKEN CHILDREN THERE—
THEIR SMOLD'RING EYES WILL SCORCH YOUR SOUL!
YOU FEEL THEM, YOU SEE THEM
WE'VE GOT ATMOSPHERE TO SPARE—
THE NARRATIVE IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL!
TIMEY-WIMEY
WIBBLY-WOBBLY
LASHY-CRASHY STUFF—
BOUNCY-WOUNCY
FLIPPY-DIPPY-
HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH?
[The recording of THE DOCTOR ends, and LARRY and SALLY are surrounded by ANGELS.
SALLY. (doing her best Sarah Brightman impression) To the cellar! We'll be safe there!
[They find the TARDIS but the ANGELS cause the lights to flicker.
LARRY. What were you saying about being SAFE?!
PARODY WRITER. I can't really improve upon the next sequence, so you're better off just watching it and then coming back for our rousing finale.
[SALLY and LARRY, a year later, own a DVD shop together.
PARODY WRITER. Sparrow and Nightingale, get it? Oy.
[THE DOCTOR and MARTHA walk by.
SALLY. Hey, that's the Doctor.
MARTHA (to THE DOCTOR). What are we hunting again?
THE DOCTOR. For a new audience, that will be sucked in by the sheer awesomeness of this episode.
MARTHA. That girl is staring at you. So is that statue.
SALLY. Here, take this—it'll all make sense later.
[She hands him the folder of all her documentation.
THE DOCTOR. I'm sure it won't, but thanks.
[He and MARTHA walk off.
Song. BLINK (THE BELLS OF NOTRE DAME REPRISE)
SALLY. SO HERE IS A RIDDLE TO GUESS—IT'S A SHTICK—
AFTER THE AFFAIR OF WESTER DRUMLINS.
WHO IS THE HERO AND WHO THE SIDEKICK?
LARRY. OUT AT DRUMLINS, DRUMLINS, DRUMLINS . . .
SALLY. WHATEVER YOUR FANCY, YOU
CAN FEEL THEM ENTRANCE YOU,
THE FEAR AND THE DARING PLOT WINKS,
IN THIS
BOTH. EPISODE CALLED "BLINK"!
[They walk off into the sunset together. Frightening images of statues haunt the children of Britain for days.
Next time: "Utopia"/ "The Sound of Drums"/ "Last of the Time Lords" (Les Misérables)
