"Forgive me"
The words played in loop in my mind. Mellie had known. She had known the instant that my name passed Beta Dinkerman's florescent orange lips. She had known that it was her fault even before I could put the pieces together. This was a punishment, targeting me and Haymitch because we dared to dream of a future out from under the thumb of the Capitol. I saw then that we would never be free. In a matter of weeks, one or both of us would be dead. And if by some miracle one of us survived the arena, we would forever be tortured by an onslaught of what ifs. What if we had left this cursed place when the idea first crossed our minds? What if we'd gotten the future we'd hoped for?
But in the grand scheme of things what did two kids in love matter to the Capitol? Why punish us? Then it hit me. Dead in the arena, we meant nothing. But out in the wild. Beyond the Capitol's grasp we stood for something. We would become a story whispered between other young lovers. A symbol of something so utterly unacceptable. A symbol of hope. Freedom. That type of thing threatened the status quo. It threatened the Capitol's control. One person could not start a war, but a symbol could strike a spark. Symbols were dangerous and had to be destroyed.
Peacekeepers guided me into the Justice building. Up some stairs and down a few hallways. I was barely aware of where they were taking me until I was in a room furnished with more finery than anything I had ever seen in the district. They walked out the way they had come and I hear the door lock behind them. I felt trapped. I wanted to scream, to cry, to escape. But there was not point. Our moment had passed. There was no escape from the Games.
I sank down into the plush magenta of the couch. There was a window behind it that gave a clear view of the square. The crowd was already dispersing from the Reaping. I could make out two figures still standing in the middle of the square, clutching each other as though their lives depended on it. One wore a soft blue dress that I knew for a fact brought out her eyes, and the other a light purple dress which seemed so dull and lack luster compared to the vibrant couch I sat on.
"Forgive me"
I was going to my death and my sister asked me for forgiveness because she had unknowingly sent me there. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to have some emotion to cling to that would get me through the days to come. But I just felt numb. And that was the worst thing possible. I could feel myself giving up. I would never see my home again, because if I won it would be because Haymitch had died in the arena and that was not something I could survive. My eyes strayed first to the apothecary, the place where I had spent so many hours learning things that no longer seemed to matter. But it was also where I met Haymitch and therefore precious. Then my eyes traveled to the candy shop. My home. The place where I was safe and loved. The place I would never see again.
I thought of my room. I thought of the songbird in the cage by the window. Melody had given the canary to me for my fourteenth birthday. It seemed like a lifetime ago. I would never wake up to his trilling again. I would never do any of the things that I had taken for granted ever again. No more dinners with my parents. No more stolen moment with Haymitch. No more afternoons mixing herbs with Carlene. No more braiding Mellie's hair for school. Those were the things that made a person, the things that created a past and a future, and both were being ripped away from me.
I heard the door open behind me and regretfully looked away from my home and the future I would never have. My mother and father stood watching me. My mother's eyes were red and her lip quivered as she fought back the tears that I'm sure had washed over her several times in the past hour. My father did not look like he had been crying, but he was paler than usual and his hands trembled.
I pushed myself up from the couch and threw myself into their arms. As they squeezed me between them in a hug I would normally have found suffocating I tried to memorize every last detail about them, everything that hadn't seemed that important before. The fine lines that had formed around my mother's eyes and the deep groves in her cheeks from years of smiling. She always smiled. And it wasn't just to keep customers happy, it was genuine.
She did not smile anymore. She looked as though her heart was breaking as she pressed kisses to my face. They were the goodbye that she could not speak. My throat tightened painfully. I didn't want to say goodbye to her. I didn't want to be responsible for taking away her smile. My father's calloused hands caressed my face. I looked into his familiar blue eyes. He smiled at me, but it looked more like a grimace of pain than anything else.
"I love you both." I assured them. My mother made a choking sound and buried her face in my father's shoulder. He swallowed hard as though trying to dislodge something caught in his throat.
"Try to make it home." He requested. I nodded. I already knew that I wouldn't make it home. The few defensive skills I possessed I learned from Haymitch. But we hadn't spent our time together on things like that. I knew the odds weren't in my favor, and even if they were, it would kill me to leave the arena without Haymitch. No, I wasn't coming home, but I couldn't tell them that. I couldn't rip away their last shred of hope. I hated the thought of them forced to watch me die, so I tried not to think about it.
It was much too soon when the Peacekeepers returned, escorting my parents away. I choked back tears as they disappeared. I wanted to tell myself that I'd see them again, but I knew better. Before the door could even shut behind them, Melody slipped in. We stared at each other, neither knowing what to say. Before I knew what was happening she crossed the space between us and threw her arms around me.
"I didn't mean for this to happen." Mellie whispered desperately in my ear. I could feel her warm tears against my cheek. Instead of evoking sympathy as they had so many times before, her tears turned me to stone. The rage I couldn't find earlier coursed through my veins. I stiffened against her touch. "I never meant for you to get hurt."
"Oh really?" I replied, my voice low and cutting. "Because obviously getting Haymitch killed wouldn't have hurt me."
"Maysilee." She entreated desperately.
"You should leave." I replied, pushing her off of me.
"Please Maysi, I can't lose you like this." She pressed.
"Maybe you should have thought about that sooner. You know, before you signed my death sentence." I snapped. Melody backed away from me, her face stunned as though I physically struck her. I stepped toward her, staring her down. I wanted her to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that as I headed off to my death I held her responsible. "I hope you can live with yourself."
"Maysi." She begged, reaching for me, her voice breaking and her eyes burning with desperation. "Maysi, please forgive me."
I stepped away; I gave her a withering look of unadulterated hatred. The door opened and the Peacekeepers came in to escort her out. She resisted and they had to drag her away. She screamed for me over and over again until the door closed, drowning out her voice.
I turned away from the door. I was ready for this horrible day to end. I just wanted them to take me to the train. I just wanted to see Haymitch. I wanted him to tell me that everything was going to be okay. We would both know that it was a lie, but if we were together, we could pretend a little longer. I heard the door swing open once more, but this time I didn't turn to see who it was. I didn't have to wait long to find out though. After a moment, she was standing before me, looking as uncommonly pretty as ever.
"Car." I whispered and my voice cracked. I threw my arms around her and shook with the sobs that I was holding back. I wouldn't let the tears come, but I couldn't stop the visceral reaction that swept over me. She held me in her arms, stroking my still braided hair and cooing soft words of comfort. "I don't want to die."
"I know." She whispered in reply. It wasn't an amazing insight but it was comforting none the less. I let out a shuddering breath. Carlene lead me to the plush couch and we sat down, side by side, clutching each other's hands. Knowing it would be the last time we would ever provide each other comfort. It was the last time that my best friend would share my pain and ease it.
"I will always love you Carlene." I said as her hand tightened around mine. "No matter how this ends, please remember that."
"I will." She promised.
"And remember that you deserve to be happy." I pressed. I wanted to share with her all the insight a best friend should provide over a lifetime in my last few minutes. I wanted to cover all the things that I wouldn't live to see. Her growing up, getting married, having children of her own. I took comfort in the knowledge that while these things were now and forever beyond my grasp, Carlene could still have them. Carlene could have a future with the boy she loved more than reason. "Don't let anyone take the life you want away from you. You fight for it, you hear me? You fight for your future. And you fight for the future that I'll never have."
Carleen nodded, but despite her efforts to remain stoic she let out a gasping sob. I pulled her into a tight hug. "This isn't fair." She whispered.
"I know." I replied, my chest aching. I just wanted to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. I just wanted to forget the world. But I couldn't. "Just promise me you'll do it. Promise me you'll let yourself have love. Just run off and get married. Forget about everything else."
"I will." She promised. She pressed a light kiss against my cheek. "I will never forget you, Maysi."
"You will be my most cherished friend till the day I die." I said. She gave me a watery smile, we both knew that it would be an easy promise to keep. Because the day that I would die was rushing closer by the second. A thought struck me. "Oh, and Carlene."
"Yes?" She asked as the door swung open revealing the Peacekeepers. We both got to our feet and I walked her to the door.
"I want you to have my canary." I told her as I released her hand. "He sings that song you particularly hate."
"The Hanging Tree?" She asked. I nodded as the door closed, severing our life long connection. The Hanging Tree. The song she had always found so morbid and dark. I sang it because it was so tragic and beautiful. I sang it to honor those who had their lives torn away from them. Now my songbird would sing it in my honor. I returned to the couch and began to hum the lullaby. The hour would be about up. Soon I would be loaded onto the train and shipped off to the Capitol. Alone and wishing for all the things I could never have. I thought of Haymitch and that day out at the old house by the lake and our willow tree. I began singing softly to ward off the fear.
Are you, are you
Coming to the tree
Where I told you to run so we'd both be free.
Strange things did happen here
No stranger would it be
If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree.
The sound of the door opening once again surprised me. I stopped singing abruptly and looked up. My eyes met a pair of steel gray Seam eyes. I stood up quickly, but did not approach the woman across from me.
"Mrs. Abernathy." I said warily as she approached me. Her hands clutched something to her stomach and her eyes were rimmed with red. She must have come from saying goodbye to her son. My heart fluttered at the thought. I would be with him again soon. And then we would die.
"He loves you, you know." She said gently. Her presence was so different from the hard woman I remember from that night in the Seam. She seemed so sad and vulnerable.
"I know." I replied cautiously. "I love him too."
She nodded and continued. "One of you will be the victor."
"There are forty-eight of us, Mrs. Abernathy." I pointed out. "And it's pretty clear that the odds aren't in our favor."
"We both know this had nothing to do with the odds." She said. She was a clever woman. I saw where Haymitch's sharp mind came from. "Haymitch is resourceful. He will not be killed in that arena."
"I hope your right." I said, imagining for a moment the possibility that this could be more than a one way trip for Haymitch. That he could come home to more money than he could spend and be able to take care of his mother and brother. It was a nice thought. It made my imminent death a little easier to accept.
"I am right." She replied. "I said he would not be killed, but I didn't say he would not die."
"What do you mean?"
"If it comes down to the two of you, I think we both know he will die for you." She said, her tone was kind, but her words cut straight through me.
"I wouldn't let him." I replied without hesitation. "I'm not planning on making it home, Mrs. Abernathy. I'm just a girl from town. I'm not built to fight for my life. But."
"But Haymitch was born a survivor." She finished for me. I nodded, knowing she was right. She reached for my hand and folded something into it. "Please let my son come home."
"I will try." I promised.
"I was wrong about you." Mrs. Abernathy admitted. "You're not foolish like I thought, are you?"
"I don't know." I admitted. I felt pretty foolish. It was my own fault that I was here, that Haymitch was here. Because I fooled myself into thinking we could have a future.
"No," She continued. "You're like the Jabberjay. Others think they understand you that they can control you, but they're wrong. There's more to you than meets the eye, Maysilee Donner. Now go show Panem what you're made of. Show the Capitol they can't control you. Break their rules. Save my son. Make them pay."
Without another word, she turned and left. As the door closed behind her I opened my hand and looked at the gold pin she had given me. It was a Mockingjay. I smirked as I got the message. She told me that I was the Jabberjay. She told me to show the Capitol what I was made of, to give them something they never anticipated. I could not live through this, but I could leave a legacy. I could leave my own Mockingjay. I could fight for Haymitch, and he could do what I couldn't, he could survive. He was my Mockingjay.
I pinned the golden symbol to my dress. The Capitol could kill me. They could take away my future. But they could not take away the things that made me who I was. I was Maysilee Donner. And Panem would rue the day they gave me a reason to stop running and start fighting, I would make sure of it. I would fight them to my final breath, I thought as I fingered the bird on my chest and a halfhearted smile tugged at my lips, maybe even after that.
Happy Belated Christmas!
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