AN: Only one more day until Flashdance! I'm super excited - I mean, how often do you have a front row seat with your friend at the final performance of a show you love? I'll be wearing my What A Feeling!-shirt for sure! :D
Anyways, this chapter is... um... long. Like, nearly 4,000 words, when usually my chapters are between 2,000 and 3,000. And it's... intense. Which is why I didn't split it up - I wanted to get this all into one chapter.
You won't find out what happened to Fiyero's family until a few chapters from now - first there will be more angsty stuff, and drama stuff, and... you know.
You're really going to hate me after this one, I guess. Even though no-one dies. Not even almost.
Chapter 9. The fight
"Fabala." Nessa grabbed her sister's arm, pulling her to a stop.
Elphaba turned, surprised. "What's wrong?"
"Is it true?" Nessa hissed.
Elphaba was still confused. "Is what true?"
"Is it true that you told Fiyero and that the two of you are secretly seeing each other?"
Elphaba tried to keep her face neutral, but she knew she had paled visibly. "Where did you get that idea?" she demanded a little too sharply.
Nessa narrowed her eyes. "I figured it out myself," she said. "I thought it was suspicious how Fiyero went from moodified and completely heartbroken one day to happy and light again the next day, but I hoped I was wrong. I followed you, though. When you went to comfort Fiyero the other day, when he had just received his letter? The day we were all at the café together? I said I needed to use the bathroom, but I followed you outside. I saw you kissing him, Elphaba. What in Oz are you thinking? Do you have any idea what will happen if you get caught?"
"We won't get caught," said Elphaba firmly, but Nessa shook her head.
"You're saying that now," she pointed out, "yet I followed you and you didn't see me, did you?"
Elphaba had to acknowledge that.
"For Oz's sake, be careful, Fabala," Nessa hissed. "This isn't just about you and me, or you and him. This is about Gazilon, Boq, Galinda… about every other student here on campus. Do you know what will happen if anyone finds out? If this doesn't end the way you want it to? If you and Gazilon don't play your parts right? I'll tell you what will happen, Elphaba – Shiz will become a heap of stones and dead bodies. That's what will happen."
She turned around and wheeled away, leaving Elphaba to think about her words.
She jumped when someone wrapped his arms around her from behind, but relaxed when she realised it was Gazilon.
He planted a kiss on her cheek, taking the opportunity to whisper in her ear, "You okay?"
She shrugged listlessly.
He eyed her, concern etched in his features. "El?"
She bit her lip. "This is ridiculous," she muttered, rubbing her temples in an attempt to ward off an impending headache. "Gaz, this… all of this… it doesn't make sense. It's ridiculous, it's stupid and it's unfair, and it can't go on like this."
"What do you mean?" he asked her solemnly, taking her to a bench nearby and setting her down.
"Nessa talked to me." Elphaba ran her fingers through her long, black hair. "She knows about me and Fiyero. She followed me out of the Primrose Café that night."
Gazilon swore softly under his breath.
"Yeah, that about sums it up," Elphaba agreed. She sighed. "She's right, though. This… this thing I'm doing with Fiyero… it's too much of a risk, Gaz. She's right – I'm being selfish. Look around. All those students, all those teachers… everything could be blown to pieces if someone were to find out about me and Yero – and I mean that in the literal way."
Gazilon didn't say anything, quietly mulling it over in his head.
"But I can't leave Fiyero right now, either," she whispered. "He needs me more than ever now… Gaz, what am I supposed to do? This is madness!"
"I can only agree with that," he said, covering his eyes with his hand for a moment, taking a deep breath. "I did it – pushing you to talk to Fiyero, I mean – because I couldn't stand seeing you unhappy, but… maybe we haven't really thought about this well enough. Maybe we've been taking the possible consequences too lightly."
Elphaba nodded, looking defeated. "People's lives are on the line here, Gaz," she said, the small tremble in her voice the only sign of how upset she really was. "Think about the look on Fiyero's face when he found out that there had been an attack on his family, and then imagine that look being on faces of parents, brothers, sisters, friends and family all over Oz. Hundreds of people having lost a close friend or a family member in the explosion that took place at Shiz, all because a certain green girl was too selfish to break up with her boyfriend. I can't be that girl, Gazilon. I can't be the one responsible for something like that. I refuse to be."
He took her hand and squeezed it. "I know."
"I have to break up with him."
Gazilon sighed and nodded reluctantly. "I guess."
"But how can I do that? Especially now? 'Gee, Yero, I'm sorry about your family. Oh, by the way, this isn't working. I'm breaking up with you. Bye!' He's all alone, Gaz. Right now he has no-one. Galinda is a sweetheart, but she just doesn't understand… and he's never been particularly close to either Nessa or Boq. I'm all he has right now."
"It's up to you, Elphaba," Gazilon said quietly. He placed his hands on both her shoulders and looked into her eyes. "But no matter what you decide, I'll support you. You know that, right?"
She nodded, twirling a strand of hair around her finger.
"And besides," he tried to console her. "Even if you do decide that you need to break it off with you… he knows the truth now. He'll understand, I'm sure of it."
Elphaba sighed. "I guess." She kissed Gazilon. "Thanks, Gaz."
"You're welcome." He offered her his arm. "Want me to walk you to class?"
"Yes, please." She linked her arm with his and together they walked towards the History building.
After her classes for the day were over, Elphaba slipped into Fiyero's dorm room again, carrying a paper bag. "Yero?"
He was still on his bed, staring at the ceiling. When he heard her voice, he turned his head in her direction. "Hey."
She put her school bag down, but took the small paper one with her as she sat down on the edge of his bed. "You weren't in class today."
He shrugged.
"How are you feeling?"
He shrugged again. "I don't really know."
She put the paper bag away and lay down beside him, looking into his sapphire blue eyes. "Yero?" She slipped her fingers into his and laced them together. "I know it's hard right now, but they might be okay. Just have faith."
The only reply she received was yet another shrug.
She wrapped her arms around him and stroked his back; and that was enough for him to burst into tears again, burying his face in her neck and hair and sobbing his heart out.
"I'm sorry, Yero," she whispered. "I wish I could do something to help you."
He tightened his grip on her, holding her close. "I love you."
She kissed him softly. "I love you, too. Now, come on." She helped him to sit up, propping some pillows behind his back. Then she took the paper bag from his nightstand and opened it, showing him the food inside. "You really have to eat."
He sighed. "I'm not hungry –"
"Fiyero," she cut him off. "You had three bites of breakfast this morning and I'm betting you haven't eaten anything else since then. Am I right?"
His silence was answer enough for her.
"So you're going to eat."
He didn't move and in the end, she just ended up feeding him. She managed to get some soup and half a sandwich into him before he didn't want any more, but she left the other half of the sandwich and the remnants of the soup on his desk for him to eat later. She then proceeded to practically force him into the bathroom to clean up – "Yero, you know I love you, but you're not smelling too good right now. When was the last time you brushed your teeth or took a shower?" – and he re-emerged wearing his pyjamas, crawling into his bed instantly and curling up on his side with his head in Elphaba's lap.
She just sat with him, running her fingers through his hair, but otherwise not moving and not saying anything. She didn't know what she could do or say to make this better for him; and she felt awful knowing that she was going to have to break his heart soon. For his own safety, but still.
He fell asleep eventually, his breathing evened out. Elphaba gently lifted his head and replaced her lap with his pillow, slowly moving away and pulling the blankets over him. She stroked his cheek and kissed his forehead before tiptoeing to the door and quietly slipping out of the room again.
She sighed, resting her back against the door for a moment and closing her eyes. She felt horrible leaving him there by himself, but she couldn't stay with him. Not again. It would arise too much suspicion.
She pushed herself away from the door and made her way back to her and Galinda's shared dorm room.
The blonde immediately started squealing when Elphaba entered. "Ooh! Elphie! These flowers were just brought in for you!" She bounced up and down, pointing at a bouquet of red, pink and white roses that was sitting on Elphaba's desk. "It's from Gazilon! Isn't he just the sweetest?"
"He is," Elphaba agreed flatly, dumping her bag and disappearing into the bathroom.
Galinda frowned. "What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing," Elphaba said, her voice muffled by the bathroom door.
Galinda shrugged and bounced over to where the flowers were, burying their nose in them and inhaling deeply. "Well, you can think whatever you want, Elphie, but I'm going to give him bonus points for adding the pink roses. Apparently he agrees with me that pink goes good with green!"
Elphaba grumbled something unintelligible.
"Seriously, Elphie, what is the matter with you?" Galinda asked, plopping down onto her roommate's bed. "Are you okay?"
Elphaba appeared again from the bathroom, dressed in her nightgown.
"I'm fine, Glin," she said. She sank down onto her bed with a sigh. "It's just that… I saw Fiyero earlier, and he's so sad… I guess I'm just feeling guilty because I'm so happy with Gazilon when one of my friends is so miserable."
She was actually sort of proud of herself for coming up with that excuse. It was as close to the truth as she could get, and it was plausible, too.
Galinda apparently agreed, because her face softened. "Oh, Elphie. I know it's hard." She hugged her friend. "It's awful to see one of your friends in pain, but it shouldn't prevent you from being happy with your boyfriend!"
"It's not preventing me from being happy," Elphaba assured her. "I'm just… I don't know. It bothers me sometimes. Especially after the way we ended, you know? Fiyero and I, I mean. It's just that… he has no-one right now."
Galinda stroked her arm comfortingly. "That's not true! We're all here for him," she promised. "He'll be fine, Elphie."
Elphaba forced a weak smile. "Yeah. I guess." She pretended to yawn. "I'm tired, I think I'm going to sleep now."
"Okay." Galinda jumped up and went back to her own side of the room, pulling out a pink nightgown. "Night, Elphie."
"Goodnight, Galinda."
The blonde fell asleep within minutes, her soft snores filling the room while Elphaba just lay awake and stared at the ceiling without seeing anything.
"Fiyero, I'm really sorry, but this has to stop."
Elphaba stared at her own mirror image. "No, that's too harsh," she muttered to herself. She took a deep breath. "Yero… I can't do this anymore. The risk is too big. It's too dangerous."
Something like that? She had no idea. How was she supposed to tell Fiyero that he had to let her go?
She sighed and leant forward, resting her forehead against the glass of the mirror. She turned on the tap and splashed some cold water in her face, but it barely made her feel any better.
At least I don't have to have this conversation right away, she tried to console herself. It had been four days since Fiyero had received his letter and he was just starting to get back on his feet again, coming out of his room and joining the others at the Primrose Café for meals sometimes… maybe it was too soon to drop this bomb on him. Maybe she could wait a little bit longer. Procrastinate the inevitable.
She closed her eyes for a moment; then she straightened her back and left the girls' bathroom…
…only to run into Fiyero right outside.
He was eyeing her with an odd look on his face – a mix of understanding, defeat, anger and hurt. Mostly hurt, though.
"Elphaba?" he asked quietly. "I think we need to talk."
She winced slightly when she realised what must have happened and she bit her lip. "You heard me in there." It was a statement, not a question.
He nodded. "Can we talk? In private?"
"I… I guess," she said faintly, and he took her hand and gently pulled her across campus. They finally disappeared into her dorm room, knowing that Galinda was in class at the moment, and they both sat down on her bed.
"Yero…" She only realised that she was still biting her lip when she suddenly tasted blood. "I'm so sorry."
She figured that if he had heard her, anyway, there was no use in procrastinating now. She might as well get it over with.
He sighed. "Look, Fae, I… I understand," he said gently. "Really, I do. You want to protect me, and I appreciate that… but I love you. Being apart from you… it's killing me. Especially now. Elphaba…" He took her hand and looked into her eyes pleadingly. "You may be all I have left."
"Don't say that!" She shook her head. "Yero, your family will be okay," she insisted. "And… and you'll still have me. We'll be friends. You also have Galinda, Nessa, Boq… we all care about you, Yero. We all want to help you, and –"
"It's not the same!" He took a deep breath. "Fae… I can't do this without you. I understand why our relationship can't be out in the open, but… but you can't just end it!"
The mere thought of her breaking up with him gave him the feeling that he was choking, like he couldn't breathe. Right now she was the only good thing in his life. There was a big chance that his father was already dead by now, and he was convinced of the fact that his sister was, too – where else could she have gone? If she was still underneath the collapsed castle, there was no way she could have survived. And his mother… for all he knew she was dead, or dying, as well. He hadn't heard anything else from the Vinkus and he had no idea what had been going on there or what else had happened.
Right now, he was alone. He was hanging on by a thread, and that thread was Elphaba. If he lost her, too… he didn't know what he would do.
She took both his hands in hers. "Yero," she said softly. "Please believe me when I say that this is the hardest thing I've ever done."
He looked down at their joined hands, hearing what she didn't say. "But you're doing it anyway."
She nodded, lowering her eyes. "I'm sorry, Fiyero," she whispered. "I really am. But I… I have to. Nessa realised what I was doing, and… she was right. I can't put everyone in danger like this. I love you, Yero. I love you so much."
"But it's not enough," he concluded bitterly.
She looked shocked by that. "No!" She squeezed his hands, making him look up at her again. "Yero, it's enough," she said desperately. "It's more than enough. But don't you see? People's lives are depending on this! That's part of why I'm doing it – because I love you, and I'd rather let you go than see you end up dead!"
"Elphaba, I don't care if I'm in danger because –"
"But it's not just you!" She shook her head and pulled her hands away, running her fingers through her hair in frustration. "Fiyero, this is not all about you! This is about everyone, I told you that! All of Shiz will be attacked if someone finds out about this – about us. I can't take that risk, Yero. You must understand that. Please."
It felt like his entire world was spiralling out of control. He was angry, unhappy, scared and desperate. He honestly had no idea what he was going to do without her. She was the only thing that was grounding him right now, and her telling him that he was losing her… he couldn't handle that.
"Elphaba, please," he begged, near tears. "You can't do this to me!"
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm so sorry, Yero, but… don't do this. Please. Don't make this harder."
"I'm making this harder?" Now, in all his despair and helplessness, his anger was taking over. "Elphaba, you're the one making this hard!" He rose to his feet, barely realising that he was shouting now. "You're really doing this to me right now? After everything that happened, you're just going to make it even worse by ending our relationship? Are you really that cold and unfeeling?" he spat.
He could see that he had hurt her, but he just couldn't stop. "From anyone else, I had expected that; but not from you, Elphaba. I had never expected you, of all people, to be so insensitive and mean. What, you saw that I was already down, so you thought you'd just kick me and make sure I wouldn't get up again?"
"Yero…" She looked up at him, her chocolate brown eyes huge and filled with tears. "Of course not, I… I love you. You know that. More than anything."
"Well, you have a funny way of showing it!" he snarled.
She rose to her feet as well, angrily blinking away her tears. "You're not being fair, Fiyero! You know I don't have a choice!"
"Of course you have a choice! Everyone has a choice! You're just choosing to break my heart and trample on it like it doesn't mean anything to you at all!"
"It means everything to me! You mean everything to me!" She was shouting, too, now. "But I don't want any more blood on my hands than I already have, Fiyero! It's my fault that my mother died and that Nessa is crippled and that in itself is bad enough – I can't just stand by and watch as everyone at Shiz is murdered because of me!"
He almost regretted everything he had said when he looked at her face. Almost. But all the hurt, all the pain, all the sadness and the grief he had been holding in – every emotion he had felt ever since he had come back to Shiz after the summer – was rising to the surface now, manifesting itself as anger. A hot, searing anger that rushed through his body, taking over so that he couldn't feel anything anymore except for that rage.
"You're just saying that," he hissed. "You keep on saying that. But you know what, Elphaba?" He narrowed his eyes. "I don't believe that. You cannot sit there and tell me with a straight face that if they find out about our relationship, they're going to 'attack all of Shiz'." He used his fingers as quote marks, mocking her. "Because I don't believe it. I don't believe that the fate of hundreds of people depends on two persons pretending to be in love, Elphaba."
"I know it sounds stupid," Elphaba said quietly. "But I told you, Fiyero – it's about a bondage between the daughter of the Governor of Munchkinland and the son of two high Glikkun officials. They said that -"
"Yes, I get it," he cut her off harshly. "They say that if you don't convince everyone that you're in love, they'll attack Shiz. Blah blah blah. Sure they say that. Of course they put the fate of an entire university in the hands of two students. Why not?" He snorted and crossed his arms, glaring at her. "Do you want to know what I think, Elphaba?" he sneered. "I think that none of that is actually true. I think that all this is just a stupid, Oz-damned lie because you fell in love with someone else and you're too much of a coward to just admit it to me!"
She was literally gawking at him, her mouth slightly open.
"You did not just say that," she whispered, struggling to keep herself under control, though she wasn't sure what she would do if she lost control. She suspected it would either be punching him in the face or bursting into tears. Maybe both.
"Oh, believe me, I did!" Fiyero snarled. "You're lying, Elphaba. You've been lying to me all along and you thought I was stupid enough so that I would never find out! Was it nice, having two boyfriends at the same time? Did you enjoy it? I bet you did. And then you started to feel guilty and so you made up all this crap about you being unable to take the risk, people dying because of you, and more of that bullshit! Well, let me burst your bubble, Elphaba: I don't believe you!"
She was trembling now, her body shaking all over – though that was out of emotional pain or suppressed anger, she wasn't sure. She just pointed one trembling finger at the door. "Get out."
The look in her eyes, a mix of disbelief, rage and an incredible amount of pain, caused his anger to dissipate almost instantly; and horror dawned on his face when he realised what he had just said. "Elph-"
"Get out!" she screamed, hurling a book at him with all the strength in her body. It only missed him because he ducked in time; but he could see the emerald sparks around her fingers, indicating that he would be in a whole lot of more trouble if he stayed now.
Still, he didn't care. He had to make it up to her. He couldn't believe that he had actually said that – he had just been overcome by emotion, about his parents, this whole thing with Elphaba, everything… but she hadn't deserved that. He knew she was telling the truth, and he felt like the most horrible person alive. He needed to make this right.
"Fae, please," he begged. "I'm sor–"
Before he could even finish speaking, she lashed out at him with her magic. He was hit by an invisible force, causing him to be shoved backwards and out of the door. His back hit the wall behind him – hard – and before he had even scrambled to his feet, the door to Elphaba and Galinda's dorm room had flown shut. When he tried the doorknob, he wasn't surprised to find it locked.
"Elphaba?" he whispered. "Please. I'm sorry."
No sound came from within, and he knew this wasn't something he would be able to fix soon. Especially not today.
And so he turned around, hung his head, and left.
On the other side of the door, Elphaba buried her face in her pillow, desperate sobs racking her body.
