April 1, 2015

I have to admit that I feel shy to say this, but I've been watching Kyo more.

That sounds odd, doesn't it? Let me be more specific.

What I mean is that I've been paying closer attention to his face when he talks, the expressions he makes, the way that his eyes light up and the right corner of his mouth quirks upward when he speaks emphatically…

Okay. I better control myself before I say too much.

Goodness, if someone were to read my diary (please don't!), I'd feel so scared. I didn't mean to divulge my deepest secrets in here, but that's how things have turned out.

Anyway, back to the topic I was getting to – what Kyo and I did today.

He and I were sitting on the living room couch around two in the afternoon, watching the news because he couldn't find something more to his taste. I know Kyo loves martial arts films and it must have pained him internally to watch something as static as the news. After he set the controller down, we watched uninterestedly as the reporter on the screen interviewed a baseball player. A few minutes of silence passed by between us before I thought of something to talk about.

I shyly tapped Kyo on his knee to catch his attention. He blinked out of his bored trance and turned to me, a little annoyed. I knew he hated to be touched, so I felt bad immediately afterward for doing it. I really need to control myself better, diary…

Anyway, I asked him if he has felt jealous of anyone since I'd talked to him about plums on the backs of rice balls.

Recognition slowly dawned on his face, and his eyes darted away quickly before hesitantly looking back at me again. The embarrassment on his face was adorable, made me want to hug him tightly.

It's so hard to hold back sometimes. Mom, it's times like this that I really need you!

Kyo looked down, then, and thought to himself for a few seconds. Then he looked up at me again, his cheeks stained pink. He shrugged. "Not really" was what he said.

I could tell that he felt ashamed somehow, almost like he felt guilty for it. I placed a hand on his shoulder without thinking (what is wrong with me?) and Kyo's hair literally stood on end as he cringed in fear.

I left my hand on his shoulder, though, thinking to myself that there is nothing wrong with affection. I told myself what I was doing wasn't wrong. Pulling my hand back would mean that I was confirming his fears, wouldn't it?

I simply told him that he shouldn't feel bad and that I was glad that he listened to me when I spoke about plums and rice balls and other silly things. That metaphor has made people roll their eyes and even laugh at me in the past. I really don't feel shame in spreading it, though. It's something mom passed on to me, so it means a lot to me.

Kyo didn't laugh when I told him about it that day.

He had listened to me and in the end told me that I have one on my back too.

It really touched me.

And I think I'm beginning to have feelings for Kyo.

Goodnight, Diary.