December 23rd: Just after midnight
James looked at the elaborate set up in front of him. This issue Connor had with Santa had gone on for way, WAY too long. Currently there was a complex system of pulleys and ropes connected to the trees and the roof of the house, and they were being used to hold up Connor (who was in the sleigh), the reindeer, Snoopy (who looked terrified out of his fucking mind) were facing off with Phil (who was up there dressed in a Santa suit and was sitting on an old sled they had found in the garage). James, Mark, Cooper and Glenn were controlling the pulleys since they were the strongest people there. Jeff, Matt and Adam were holding a giant net that was supposed to catch anyone or anything that could possibly fall. But knowing Jeff and Adam, if something was to fall, they would more than likely run away so that they didn't get squashed.
"My arms hurt!" Jeff whined. He was shifting around from foot to foot and he looked like he was going to pull a Connor and start throwing a fit. "I'm tired Matty!"
"Well what do you want me to do Jeff?" Matt asked. He was also tired so he was getting really snappy with everyone around him.
"Tell James to tell Connor to let us stop," Jeff replied. "I wants to go sleepies."
Matt sighed and looked at James. James shrugged and looked up at Connor. "Son--"
"NO!" Connor shrieked. He glared down angrily at James. "I hast to perfect it! Santa comes tomorrow night! Do you want me to not be ready?"
"Well if I get to go inside, then yes!" James replied honestly. He wasn't going to admit it yet, but his arms were aching just a little bit from running the pulleys from the past two hours.
Connor took off his shoe and held it up in a threatening manner. "Daddy Imma throw this at you if you don't be quiet!" He banged his fist on his sleigh. "Now let's do it again! Whatever voodoo that makes sleighs float doesn't start tomorrow so I still needs you guys."
"There is no fucking voodoo!" Phil shouted. He was laying down on his stomach so he could cling to the sled for dear life. "Santa is not real! He cannot give or steal toys or come after you because he is a figment of children's imagination! He is an idea that parents let their kids believe so the little snots can bug someone else about what they want for Christmas! Now can I please be let down now?"
Connor glared at him. "Spoken like a true minion of Santa!" He took his knife out of his pocket and stood up. "I knew there was something evil about you Brooks! Die you hairy beast!"
"Glenn!" Phil shrieked. He looked terrified for his life (and for good reason). "Get me down from here! I don't want to die!"
"Connor you leave him alone!" Glenn shouted as he worked on doing just that. "Or I'm going to kick your fucking ass!"
"You will not!" James said automatically. He glared daggers at the Big Red Machine. "You touch one hair on his head and your crispy ass is dead!"
Glenn glared back at him. He was one of the few people besides Mark and the boys that James couldn't automatically intimidate. "You know what Lawson? I'm sick of all of you beating up on my Phil. You not liking him is your own fucking problem. He's done nothing to deserve any of the crap you put him through!"
"Sure he has!" James insisted. "He's annoying isn't he?"
Glenn almost went to hit James but then caught sight of Connor acting like he was going to jump from his sleigh over to Phil's sled. "Mark! Tell James to control his child and help get everyone down!"
"Mark! Tell Glenn to stop being a fucking anal bead!" James said.
Mark rolled his eyes. "You know, I don't say this often, but I'm with Glenn on this one. This has gotta--Connor don't!"
That yell came too late. Connor launched himself from his sleigh and went over Snoopy and the reindeer and tried to get on to the sled with Phil. Unfortunately he came up a little short, and he barely managed to grab on to the edge of the sled before he fell into the net. The extra body weight that added to the sled moved half of it down violently and Phil ended up slipping off and having to grab on to Connor's waist as he fell.
"Oh holy shit!" Cooper exclaimed. "Someone grab the damn ladder!"
"You've got legs!" Mark reminded him. "You go get it!"
In the end, Cooper didn't have time to get the ladder. Connor let go of the sled on purpose, which caused him and Phil to fall down into the net. Connor landed on his feet and Phil was only spared a painful landing because he still had himself wrapped around Connor's waist. Snoopy saw that they were safe on the ground and began barking his head off, obviously upset that he didn't get the same right. Mark and James got to work on getting him, the reindeer and the sleigh lowered to the ground as fast as they could. Once they did that, and as soon as they got the animals released from the bungees that had been used to help keep them up in the air, Snoopy ran at Connor and nipped the back of his leg before running to hide in the bushes.
"Snoopy!" Connor yelled, his feeling obviously hurt by Snoopy's actions. He pushed Phil off of him and stared at his puppy in shock.
"Well what do you expect?" Adam said. "If I was him, I would have bit you harder!"
Connor glared at the Rated R Superstar. "You shut up!" he snarled before going over to the bushes to console his beagle.
James sighed and shook his head. Now Connor was going to be upset if Snoopy didn't forgive him soon. "Well this has been fun," he said sarcastically. He began to walk towards the house. "I need a drink."
"What about all this shit?" Matt asked, pointing to the mess that was still all over the yard.
James shrugged. "What about it? It's not going anywhere."
"That's James's way of saying that we should clean it up later," Mark told Matt. "But knowing Lawson's lazy ass, he'll try to get me to do most of the cleaning."
James didn't even try to deny Mark's accusation because it was the truth. Instead he just went into the house and headed straight to the kitchen. He found Gil sitting at the table, reading the newspaper. "Hello Claude G," he said as he walked over to the booze cabinet and pulled out several bottles of whiskey.
"You boys finally done playing with each other?" Gil asked without looking up from his paper.
"Well I'm gonna play with Mark in a little bit, but as for the orgy that was going on outside, yeah we're done," James replied without missing a beat.
Gil shook his head. "Now did Snoopy and the reindeer get involved, or--"
"Legend! That's disgusting!" James said with a shake of his head. He started to walk towards the table with the bottles of whiskey in his hands when he almost tripped over Spike, who had come out of nowhere. "Damn it to hell!" he yelled as he barely managed to keep a hold of the booze. "You stupid goat! What have I told you about doing that shit?"
Spike immediately turned around and tried to run away, but he ended up crashing into the wall. That made James and Gil roar with laughter.
"James! Dad! Don't be mean to Spike!" Jeff scolded as he and the others came into the house. The Enigma went over to Spike and gave the goat a hug. "It's okay Spike. I'll protect you from the mean peoples."
Spike just blinked dumbly at Jeff. He still looked dazed from running into the wall.
James rolled his eyes and set the bottles of whiskey down on the table. "Fuck, I forgot the shot glasses," he muttered. He looked over at Jeff. "Go get them for me."
Jeff glared at him. "What's in it for me?"
"Skittles."
Jeff went running for the glasses like his life depended on it.
Phil folded his arms over his chest. "I cannot believe you're putting that poison into you!" he said in disbelief. "Do you have any idea what that stuff is going to do to your liver?"
James shrugged. "No, but why should I care? I can always just get one liver taken out and just survive with the other."
Mark shook his head. "James, you only have one liver. I think you're thinking about your kidneys."
"Oh. Whatever." James unscrewed the lid off the first bottle as Jeff came back with the glasses. "Who cares? I just want to get fucked up."
Jeff set the glasses down on the table. "Where are my Skittles? You promised Skittles!"
"Yeah about that....I kind of lied."
Jeff's jaw dropped in shock. "Bastard!" He smacked James on the arm before storming out of the room.
James shrugged off Jeff's outburst as he poured the drinks. He would make it up to the kid later by going out and actually buying him some Skittles. Once he did that, he would be totally forgiven.
"What do you think you're doing?" Phil asked Glenn as the Big Red Machine reached for one of the glasses.
Glenn froze. He had a "deer in the headlights" look on his face, which made James snigger and Mark smirk. "I'm just uh...I'm just gonna smell it to make sure James didn't put anything poisonous in it," Glenn finally lied lamely.
Phil put his hands on his hips and glared at Glenn. "Glenn Jacobs! Don't lie to me! You were going to drink that weren't you?"
"Well so what if I was?" Glenn replied. "I was only going to drink one!"
Phil stomped his foot as an exasperated sound came out of his mouth. "Glenn! You can't--ugh!" He stomped his foot again and then stormed off.
Cooper pointed at the direction Phil stormed off in and looked at Glenn. "And you wonder why we don't like him," he said matter of factly.
Glenn glared at him before chasing after Phil. James made whipping sounds as Glenn went, getting chuckles out of Matt and Adam.
"Well then," Mark said, grabbing a shot glass and holding it up. "If nobody has any other objections, who says we start drinking?"
Everyone else responded by grabbing a glass and downing the alcohol. "Right on mother fuckers," Mark said in appreciation. "Right the fuck on."
XXXXXXXX
"Snoopy come on," Connor said with a pout. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have made you go up there. That was very naughty of me." He reached his hand into the bushes. His knees were beginning to hurt from being on them for so long, but he didn't care. He wanted his puppy to forgive him. "Please forgive me?"
Snoopy sniffed his hand before looking at him. It was almost like he was saying "you have to do better than that".
Connor sighed and pouted. "Please Snoopy?" He pouted his lips and acted like he was about to cry.
Snoopy finally licked his hand and wagged his tail.
"Yay!" Connor cheered. He pulled Snoopy out of the bushes and hugged him tightly. Snoopy immediately began licking his face, which made him giggle. "I loves you too Snoopy," he said happily.
His phone rang, making him jump a little bit. Making sure to keep a hold of Snoopy, he stood up and dug the ringing device out of his pocket. "Eh oh?" he chirped.
"Connor we can't do this," Cody said immediately. "I mean I know you want us to, but this feels wrong. Can't you get Cooper something else?"
Connor scowled. He had hired Ted and Cody to be his delivery boys about a week ago and they were frustrating the hell out of him. "You listen here! You're gonna get Cooper's present here and you're going to get it here fast! You understand?"
"But but--" Cody started to object.
"Silence! I kill you!" Connor yelled. He meant it too. "Now think really hard Cody. Are you scared of me?"
"Yes," Cody whimpered.
"Do you want me to kill you?"
"No."
"Then get me my Coopy's present pronto!" Connor hung up the phone and sighed. Cody and Ted were so useless sometimes. I'll have to whip them into shape if they're going to be my minions. Hehehehe whip. Whip's a funny word. Whip whip whip whip whip...
