"Alright, want to run through them one more time?" Eren asked Levi from his place on the sunning rocks. His feet were dangling in the water, shoes sitting forgotten at the base of the ladder.
Levi, who was leaning against the rocks beside him on his elbows, straightened up and nodded eagerly.
"Okay then, 'q?'
Levi lifted his hand and curled his fingers into a fist, except for his pointer finger and thumb, which he pressed together and pointed downwards.
"Good," Eren nodded approvingly, "Alright, 'p?"
Levi uncurled his middle finger, paused in thought, and then pointed his forefinger and thumb forward, still keeping them pressed together.
"Good, 'b?' And then 'j?"
He flashed him a b easily, holding his hand up like he was going to give Eren a high five, and then slipped into a j, letting his pinky swoop down into the j shape.
"Good job," Eren praised with a smile, "Now for names. You remember my name?"
Levi happily made the e sign over his collarbone, beaming up at him.
"And your name?" Eren prompted.
The mermaid, feeling confident, both spelled out his name with each individual letter, and presented the sign name they had come up with for him, which was the word for "mermaid," with a twist. The sign name for mermaid involved holding his hand, appropriately enough, down by his waist, palm up, while the other hand pointed down underneath it and waved slightly, like a mermaid's tail. However, instead of holding his top hand with his palm open, he curled his fingers until his thumb and forefinger were making an "L" shape.
"Nice," Eren nodded, "And Hanji?"
Levi made the sign for "glasses" by his eyes.
"Okay, and Moblit?"
The mermaid made the sign for "alcohol." Despite appearances, Eren learned not too long ago that Moblit was in fact quite the heavy drinker. Though he claimed when you worked as Hanji's assistant, you had to find some kind of coping mechanism.
"And Nile?"
Levi raised his middle finger, and Eren snorted.
"Good job," he laughed, leaning forward and ruffling Levi's hair, acting on the impulse before he could second guess himself. Luckily, he seemed to like the gesture, leaning up into his hand. However, when Eren realized what he was doing, despite the grin on the mermaid's face, he pulled his hand back, clearing his throat with embarrassment.
"I'm um, I'm proud of you," he said awkwardly, "I don't know how you managed to learn the alphabet and a list of names in a day when it took me a month, but, I'm glad you did. We'll be on our way to having full conversations in no time, right?"
Levi's head bobbed eagerly, and he began trilling like a little songbird. Eren smiled widely, and added, "And then I might have to bring my parents and friends by sometime, what do you think? I tell them about you all the time, I'm sure they'd love to meet you. Well, in my parent's case, re-meet you."
The trilling continued as he voiced his approval, remembering how kind Eren's parents had been to him in the past and liking the idea of meeting them again. And that thought surprised Levi just a bit. He couldn't believe that the thought of meeting more humans made him excited now when not too long ago, just the very idea of humans repulsed him.
It was obvious though, that he preferred liking them over not doing so. Especially a human like Eren.
Oh and what a human he was. The way he was smiling now, and the way the sun was shining down on him, lighting up his eyes prettily shouldn't have been allowed. He was still so ecstatic, the color still high in his face from the joy of teaching the mermaid how to communicate with people, of seeing Levi absorb the information and repeat it back in a way that showed he understood. Though he didn't know it, just being allowed to interact with Levi made Eren so inexplicably elated. And unknown to Eren, the boy coming to visit him every day made his heart feel warmer and his stomach tingle pleasantly, and overall seemed to make his insides feel all gooey. What that meant, Levi had no idea, but he did know that it made him want to be close to Eren, and to keep learning sign language as fast as he could to make him keep smiling.
The trilling died off into a few low grunts, Levi's eyes still bright, and before he could stop himself, he pulled himself up onto the rocks beside Eren and let himself fall into the boy's lap again. Eren huffed at the impact, and then snorted in amusement as Levi stretched across his legs, arms over his head, like a giant lazy cat. Ever since the day he had napped in Eren's lap, he figured out rather quickly that the boy didn't seem to mind if he took more naps there. As Levi settled onto his back, Eren chuckled lowly, automatically settling his hand into the mermaid's hair and beginning to stroke it. And of course, in no time at all, Levi set to purring, loudly, the purr going up in pitch at the end to indicate just how happy he was.
"So spoiled," Eren said as he shook his head. "What are we going to do with you?"
Levi answered him by nuzzling his face into Eren's hand and giving an extra loud purr, before he angled his body so that he could wrap his arms around the boy's waist, holding him close. He placed his cheek against Eren's ribs, eyes shining up at him innocently, still purring with the same hearty enthusiasm as an outboard motor.
"You are so mushy today," the boy pointed out, amused.
Levi raised an eyebrow, not understanding his choice of words, but Eren assured him, "Don't worry, I don't mind. You're cuter this way, being all affectionate, instead of, well the alternative."
A look of guilt suddenly flashed across the mermaid's face, and he let out a low, soft, long croon. He squeezed Eren a little tighter, and the boy just shook his head, patting Levi's cheek.
"No, don't apologize, I understand," he said, "I know how scared you were. How could you not be after what they did to you?"
Levi shrugged, but still nuzzled closer to Eren, groaning in a way that clearly stated that while Eren may not blame him, he still very much blamed himself. The boy just kept running his fingers through his hair, unsure of what to say for a moment. He finally sighed, looking out across the water in the tank as he began to speak quietly.
"So much has changed since then. Since we were kids. I wish…I find myself wishing we could go back to then a lot, you know? Before-"
He pressed his lips together, cutting himself off. Levi raised an eyebrow, not liking how tight and uncomfortable Eren's expression had become. He knew exactly what he was talking about, and how just the memories of being that park made him want to start shaking sometimes, but Levi had no idea what had happened to Eren to make him say something like that. He had said things like this before, and they always made Levi uneasy.
Levi made a little whining grunt in the back of his throat. Eren just bit his lip, hard, enough that his lip began to turn white and the mermaid was afraid he might draw blood. He barked softly, trying to get Eren's attention so that he'd stop, but he was ignored.
Determinedly, he sat up, and to Eren's surprise, pulled him into an embrace, quieting his purr until the boy only felt the vibrations in both of their chests as Levi pulled him close. He was surprised enough that his lips parted and he raised his hands, letting them hover in the air by Levi's sides. When he registered what had happened, it was like a fog had been lifted that he hadn't even known had settled over him, and he was back in the sun again. In more ways than one, he realized, as he felt Levi's overly warm body pressed against his. He sighed heavily, his shoulders rising and falling from the effort, and wrapped his arms around Levi's waist. Levi made a low sound deep in his chest, so low that Eren didn't actually hear it; he felt it vibrate throughout his body.
"I know," he said, though he didn't know why at first. Then, he figured, he was saying it for the both of them. Just like that embrace was for the both of them, for their past, frightened selves. No one had been there to comfort them in their hour of need. But, they figured, better late than never.
"You're too kind to me," Eren murmured, feeling Levi set his chin on his shoulder, "Really, you are. I don't deserve it."
Levi let out a displeased growl, and just squeezed Eren tighter. The boy let himself be hugged, feeling the warmth Levi was trying to impart on him, but not feeling it reach his heart. The mermaid was showing him in every sense of the word that he wasn't alone, that everything was okay now. But Eren just couldn't bring himself to fully believe that.
He squeezed his eyes shut, an uncomfortable prickling in his stomach rising up his throat, a hot ball of pain that had been festering for years on the tip of his tongue, demanding to escape. He bit his lip again, seeing those damning texts again flash in front of his eyes, along with a hundred other memories that currently made up that wretched, prickling ball.
He never had told his parents or friends the full extent of it all.
"Levi," he finally mumbled. He backed out of the embrace to look the mermaid in the eye, although he found he had trouble doing so. Suddenly his lap was far more interesting to look at instead, and he could feel his face flush with shame. "Listen…can I tell you what happened to me? Shit, I have to tell someone, I'm sorry. And as messed up as it sounds, I feel better telling you because you can't really tell my parents or friends and- I just don't want them to know everything. But someone has to know, or else I'll"-
He buried his forehead briefly in his palm, steeling himself. And though he didn't exactly see Levi's reaction, he heard it, heard that soft, sweet croon followed up by a brief purr. Felt Levi tentatively press their foreheads together in that gesture Eren remembered from their childhood, and he wanted to cry.
"Okay," he breathed between them. "Okay. I can do this. I still don't deserve you, but I can do this."
Levi growled again, but it made Eren smile like a loon. It was okay to do this. He was safe here. Cared about. Protected.
It was going to be okay.
"Well, settle in, because this is going to be a long one," he warned.
Immediately, of course, Levi backed away and laid back down in his lap, looking up at Eren expectantly. Automatically, the boy's hand tangled itself gently in the mermaid's hair, which was shining a deep blue in the sun. It grounded him, and would keep him rooted where he was.
"So, by the time I got into high school I was fairly certain that I wasn't attracted to girls," Eren began, "and when I met Reiner I was a hundred percent certain that I wasn't. Oh my God, Levi, back then, he was just- he was on the football team, and I don't even like football or know how it works, but I could have watched him for hours. I used to watch the teams practice just so I could watch him. My friends and I went and sat on the bleachers and studied, but they knew who I was there for. The team members must have noticed us because some of them eventually started coming over, chatting us up, talking about teachers and classes. One of them happened to be Reiner. And he just- heh, the first thing out of his mouth was that I should be arrested because looking as cute as I did had to be illegal. And it was so stupid that I couldn't help but find it endearing, I don't know. I already liked him, so after hearing that I was done for."
A soft, nostalgic expression fell over his face. "He asked me out a week later, I think. We went to dinner and took a walk at the park by my house. We were balls deep in fall by then so it really cold, and Reiner offered me his jacket, held my hands to keep them warm, held me close…it was so nice. We had lots of dates like that, just nice, calm dates, and he was always so charming, telling me how pretty I was, how he'd never met anyone like me before, how he couldn't believe I was real. That he thought we must have been made for each other with how much we had in common. I mean, he was planning on studying biology in college too, except he wanted to teach it. And we both loved running and windsurfing and boating and karaoke…we liked the same metal bands, we were both suckers for cheese and our favorite movie to watch when we felt terrible was Homeward Bound- Jesus, he was perfect. He was so perfect, Levi. He bought me things for no reason other than to see me smile and always held me when I cried. I'd never been happier then I was then. Hell, I was even thinking of marrying him one day."
Then Eren's face fell, just slightly, but even the smallest frown was enough to make Levi cuddle him a little tighter, to remind him that he was there.
Eren shook his head. "I feel so stupid now for falling for it, you know? It was just a performance. I did some research, and I found out that it's very common for abusers to be really charming at first. It's how they lure you in, you know? When we got to college is when things started to change. But it wasn't too drastic. I noticed him getting possessive. Constantly called me while I was on campus, didn't even bother to say hello when I picked up, just went straight to 'where are you?' If he couldn't reach me he'd call my friends wondering where I was. One time I went down to do laundry and when I came back up to my room I saw that he'd called me five times in the three minutes I was down there.
"I'd made a few friends on campus, but before we graduated, they all ditched me, said they couldn't stand Reiner, and I don't blame them. He insulted and made fun of all of them. And I know he made them really uncomfortable. He had no problems kissing me in front of them in very inappropriate ways, and when I told him to cut it out he ignored me, or laughed. He talked about our sex life in front of them in graphic detail, and a few times he even pulled down my pants in front of them, because 'everyone should see how cute your ass is, babe.' They even called the RD and told her that Reiner was abusing me. But of course I denied it. He wasn't hitting me, after all. But as time went on, he just monopolized me so much that basically we became each other's only friends on campus. But I told myself that I loved him, and that I was going to have a future with him, so those other people didn't matter. That he was a good guy and they didn't know him like I did. That things were going to change when we started working and couldn't see each other as much, we'd get some space from each other and we'd cherish our time together more. That he'd cherish me more. Things would get better.
"But God, things got so much worse…"
Eren bit his lip again, and his hand clenched briefly in Levi's hair. The boy's discomfort bled into the mermaid, and he could feel his own heart racing in response. Levi began to purr again, hard, letting the vibrations soothe them both. Eren stopped petting Levi's hair and instead groped for his hand. Levi took it, squeezing it, their fingers slotting together easily even over the top of the webbing between Levi's fingers.
"Reiner finished his master's really quick. Like, within a year, and he got a job even faster. He got his own place, and asked me to move in with him. I told him I'd love to, but that I couldn't really afford rent since I was paying for my master's, but he said that was alright, me being his boyfriend and paying him with sex would be enough. I thought he was joking when he said that but- but he was serious. I should have seen the signs. I should have said no, because, my God, he was moving me halfway across the country, into an area where we weren't anywhere close to the ocean, not even close to a lake. He moved me to an area where it was just us, all alone, and he separated me from the water. I thought I could handle it, but it hurt. I felt like he had cut off my arm or something. I know it sounds stupid but…
"Anyway, not long after that, he told me I didn't have to worry about working, that all I had to focus on was school, and that sounded pretty good. But it was just a set up. Because now I didn't have any money coming in and I had to rely on him for money, for a car, for everything. Once he had that control, that's when he started hitting me when I made him mad. I couldn't believe it the first time it happened. But, I assumed I must have done something really wrong to deserve it, and that I had to try harder to better next time. It never occurred to me that it wasn't my fault. I just set to be the most perfect boyfriend that I could be. I was really careful not to burn toast anymore, or talk back. I was careful with what I ate and ran constantly so that he wouldn't have to come home to a 'fat whale.' I kept everything around the house clean and in order, I made myself available for sex whenever Reiner wanted it, even when I didn't want it. I dressed how he wanted me to dress, and went from being loud and laughing all the time to forgetting what it felt like to laugh and just speaking when I was spoken to. I fought at first but, I don't know. It was just easier to do what I was told rather than risk being hit or yelled at or him forcing himself on me.
"Eventually I wasn't allowed to leave the house. Or if I did, I wasn't allowed to go without him. Even just to go get groceries, he went with me. He started to get more creative with how he punished me too, but his favorite thing to do was to tie my wrists and ankles together and lock me in his closet all day. I wouldn't have much room to move and my body would ache so bad. In the winter it'd be so cold, and the summer it'd be so hot in there. I'd get hungry and thirsty really fast, and if I had to go to the bathroom, I'd have to hold it all day. Well, most of the time I couldn't, and I'd end up going on myself. Oh, but if I did that, I'd be smacked for that too.
"Then, one time, Reiner had a group of his friends over, and demanded I come out to see them too. Only, he wanted me naked when I did. I didn't want to, of course, but I didn't really have a choice. He showed me off to them, and I was just standing there trying not to cry. He hated it when I cried. And they were all staring at me like I was a piece of meat and they were starving dogs. They told him how lucky he was to have me as a boyfriend, and Reiner said like, out of nowhere, they could see what they were missing out on if they wanted. And that's when I found out what he meant by paying to live there with sex.
"After that, he started renting me out, not just to his friends, but to other people. And I found out later that he cut little holes into the walls so that he could watch us. For someone so possessive, I never knew he got off to that sort of thing. Sometimes he'd join in though. And…And I couldn't ever fight back. I didn't ever want to, because I didn't want to be hurt, but even if I'd wanted to, he liked tying my hands to the bed, or putting some kind of leg spreader on me so I couldn't close my legs. He'd let them, um, sodomize me with different things too. Someone used a broom handle once. Another used a rolling pin. And no matter how much I screamed, or cried, they never stopped. They would ignore me, or laugh. My pain was hilarious to them, or arousing. Either way"-
Eren was cut off by the sound of Levi barking softly. He stared down at him, wondering what was wrong, but got his answer a moment later when the mermaid reached up to wipe at his cheek with his thumb, seeing wetness glisten on his hand when it pulled away. He hadn't even realized that he had started crying, but he supposed it didn't surprise him. However, as upset as he was, he found now that the dam had been broken, he couldn't stop talking. Or if he did, something bad might happen. It was a silly thought, but nonetheless, it prompted him to continue. And looking down into Levi's eyes, just knowing he had someone who cared in his lap, gave him the strength to not break down completely.
At least not yet.
"I lived like that for years," Eren said, keeping a firm grip on Levi's hand. "My parents didn't know anything. Whenever I talked to them, I always pretended like everything was fine, mostly because Reiner monitored all my calls. He wanted to make sure I wasn't saying anything I shouldn't be. I wanted to tell them so badly what was going on. I wanted so badly to just run out, catch a plane, and go back home, but I was too afraid of leaving. What if Reiner found me and followed me? He'd threatened to hurt me and my family if I left before. I thought there was going to be no way out. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised when I started hurting myself. Which is odd, you'd think after how much I was being hurt, I'd want to avoid pain but…this was pain I could control, you know? And unlike the other pain, it felt good, as messed up as that sounds. I didn't have any other way to relieve the stress, so, that's how I did it."
Levi tilted his head questioningly, which prompted Eren to reach over him. Levi followed his hands, watching curiously. However, his curiosity turned abruptly to horror when Eren pulled back his shorts over his thighs. It was only a bit, as he couldn't move them much due to Levi being on his lap, but it was enough to see the scars littering his skin. Some were bigger than others, some fainter than others, but the mere sight of them was enough to set Levi's heart to pounding right up into his throat. His ears rang for a moment, and he swore he forgot to breathe for a couple beats. He only relaxed a bit when Eren pulled his shorts back down.
"They go all the way up my thighs," Eren admitted. "I figured it was the only place I could do it where no one would see. I mean, my parents know they're there, my friend Mikasa too, but no one else. Well, now you know too. I hate that I did it, I regretted it after every single time, but I didn't know what else to do, you know? Heh, I actually really used to like my thighs, Levi, thought they looked nice, one of the few parts of my body that did. And then I had to ruin them like that.
"Anyway, things kept going like this until one night when Reiner took things further than he usually did. I finally told him no when he told me he wanted sex. I thought I'd forgotten what that word meant at that point, honestly, but for some reason I said it. It felt good for a minute to say it, I remember, but oh, it pissed him off so bad. He came flying at me like a bat out of hell, started smacking me of course, but then he managed to get me on the floor under him, and he wrapped his fingers around my neck and started choking me.
"Levi, I thought I was going to die." Eren was squeezing his hand so hard now that the grip was becoming painful, and his demeanor changed completely. It was if the light in his eyes dimmed considerably, and he was no longer seeing what was in front of him. "I was certain I was going to die. I couldn't breathe to tell him to stop, and I wasn't strong enough to get him off me. I was trapped, couldn't move, and I couldn't breathe, couldn't-couldn't move, couldn't breathe, could"-
He was cut off by a high pitched, distressed whine, which was thankfully sharp enough to get him out of his own head long enough to see that it was Levi who had made the noise and cease his rambling. If he could see himself, he'd understand what had made the mermaid so scared suddenly; Eren was shaking like he was cold, even though the sun was beating down on them, and his extremities were tingling. His head felt light, as if all the blood in it had been replaced with air, and a drilling pain had taken up residence in his temples while his ears rang. His stomach churned, threatening to empty itself if he moved even an inch, and he covered his mouth with his hand. Levi was scrambling to sit up all the while, and once he did, he wrapped his arms around Eren again, gently pulling him down until they were laying side by side. Eren fell with him easily, the sudden dizziness encouraging him not to put up any resistance. He didn't even fight it when Levi pushed his head down into the crook between his neck and shoulder. He just closed his eyes and let himself disappear into the warm darkness between them.
They lay like that for several minutes, Eren riding out his dizziness and nausea, trying to pull himself out of the panic attack by taking deep breaths, reminding himself that he didn't have those hands around his throat now. And by breathing in through his nose, he could smell Levi and his mellow fishy scent underlined by some foreign bit of musk that Eren didn't find unpleasant at all, and knew he was safe and protected. That smell, as well as those concerned croons and purrs vibrating all around him grounded him, and gradually, gradually calmed him. Eventually, his breathing went from desperate gulps to soft little puffs against Levi's shoulder, and he found the strength to speak again.
"Thank you," Eren murmured, "I appreciate it."
The mermaid nuzzled his hair, a low sound vibrating deep in his chest, a sound of reassurance and comfort. Eren snuggled further into the embrace, not even daring to raise his head, just in case.
"I need to finish though," the boy said firmly, and of course Levi stared down at him, one eyebrow raised in clear disapproval. To which Eren insisted, "No, I'll be fine now. I'll be fine as long as I lay here like this."
Like what, Levi wondered briefly. Just laying down in general? Or perhaps, did he mean lying there with Levi? Was his presence helping at all? The mermaid squeezed Eren a little more firmly against his body, and then settled a hand in his hair and began to stroke it, not failing to notice the small smile that it produced in his friend.
"So anyway," Eren sighed, "After that, I decided I had to leave. No matter what, I had to get out of there. So the next time Reiner left for work, I ran to the nearest bus stop with just one suitcase and a small wad of bills I had managed to save up. And the whole time I ran there, I was so scared Reiner was going to come home early, or one of his friends would see me on the street and call him and tell him where I was. See, I never bothered trying to leave before. Reiner didn't even have to lock the door, because fear kept me where I was. I was scared he'd kill me, and after he almost did…I don't know, I guess it sparked something where I just decided I'd rather die trying to get away than cowering in that house. But nothing happened. I made it to the bus stop, had just enough for a plane ticket, and didn't stop being terrified until I showed up on my parent's doorstep."
Eren was quiet for a moment, before he finished softly with, "I've been home for just a few months now. Trying to get back on my feet and everything. It's been really hard. I have to remind myself that I can eat whatever I want now, that I don't have to worry about cleaning the house so perfectly, that I can burn food and I won't be hit. That no one is going to hurt me or force themselves on me. That I can sleep through the night and no one is going to bust down our door. But I don't know, now I'm starting to worry again. Reiner of course called me when he found out I was gone, and I told him I was leaving him and not coming back. After that I ignored his texts and calls, and for a while they stopped. Then he texted me a few days ago, saying he missed me, that he wanted to start again and it just…I don't know, it set me off. Didn't make me feel safe anymore. I'm-I'm scared, Levi."
The boy nuzzled his nose a little further into his shoulder, and his next words came out slightly muffled since they were spoken into Levi's skin. "I'm sorry I unloaded all of that on you. I feel bad, but I also feel a bit better telling you all that anyway. Not even my parents or friends know everything. They don't know Reiner tried to kill me and that's why I left, or that he used to pimp me out. I couldn't…I couldn't tell them that. But you-you're special, Levi. Even though I don't know what you went through, I feel like you get it better than anyone, you know? And I'm so happy I found you again."
They lay there in silence for several minutes, Eren just resting his voice and basking in Levi's warmth, placing his nose against his neck and feeling his pulse beating against the thin skin there. Levi just purred continuously and loudly, feeling terribly useless. Truth be told, he hadn't understood a great deal of what Eren had told him, but in the end, that hadn't mattered. Even if he didn't understand all of the words, he understood the emotion behind them, understood the pain and terror on Eren's face, and that had affected him enough to inspire his sympathy and understanding. He knew that Eren had been hurt by a former mate, enough so that he was scared even when his mate was no longer with him. He knew that he had to help, but he didn't know what to do except purr more, and what good would that do in the end? Eren would still be scared, and Reiner would still be a threat to him.
Well, perhaps in the meantime, there was one more thing he could do.
Levi's heart broke a little more when he heard Eren say, "I think I'm done with love, Levi. I don't know. If not forever, then for a long time. I think what I've learned from this whole thing is that I can't trust myself. I let myself go along with this weak little fantasy that as long as I kept my head down, everything would be fine. That maybe one day Reiner would just wake up and realized how much he loved me and stop hurting me. I'm not a good judge of character, and who's to say I won't make a mistake like this again? I don't think I could handle it if I did. I might break for good, you know?"
He laughed humorlessly, and the sound scared Levi as badly as his story had. Before Eren could say another word, he got his attention with a light tap with his tail against the boy's calf. When Eren met his eyes, he shook his head, trying to deny his last statement. He then looked down meaningfully at the boy's legs, watching as Eren followed his gaze. He brushed his flukes against Eren's thighs, before running a finger down his own arm and side. Eren looked up at him, his brows furrowing and his lips parting with a question. Levi repeated the gesture a couple more times, before comprehension dawned on Eren's face, and he gasped. Levi was pointing to Eren's thighs because that's where his scars were, and then Levi was pointing to where his own scars were on his body.
Telling him without words that he didn't have yet that they more alike than either of them had realized.
A/N: Chapter title is inspired by the Nightwish song of the same name. Sorry this chapter got so heavy guys lol And there's even more heaviness to come. :)
