Hera stayed, the forest growing black around them as they sat in silence, waiting Fen out. Several times, Fen thought she had found the words to make Hera understand, understand her and her actions. They all evaporated before she could voice them. Thoughts ran circles through her mind. Hera surely despised and feared her for what she had done to those stormtroopers, to that twi'lek. It was hard to deny the lure of the growing darkness she felt within herself. Fen knew what the other twi'leks had been staying. She was a danger to them. It was true. The Empire would search much harder for her, the Jedi, than they would for a band of escaped twi'leks.
And yet, despite it all, Hera stayed.
At long last, it was something like hope that helped her force her chaotic thoughts and fears into words. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt her."
"It's okay," Hera gave her a small, sad smile. "You…"
"No." Fen interrupted. "I didn't mean to hurt her but I did. I didn't mean to hurt you and I did." She couldn't take her eyes from the bruise on Hera's face, victim to her panic from the river, certainly not to look her in the eyes. She twisted her hands in her lap, trying to arrange her thoughts. "The Force has been...different, since the Empire." Different was a meager word to describe it, but she didn't know any others. "It's not an excuse." She responded to Hera's raised eyebrow. "I just… I just wanna try to explain."
"Thanks for trying." Hera said sincerely, Fen had the other woman's full attention now and her courage was steadily failing her. "I know how hard these things can be."
"The Force…" These concepts encompassed the universe, beyond her vocabulary to describe. "It's in everything, everyone, all the time, but to feel it, I have to trust, I have to believe, you know?" Hera didn't but she continued. "Faith," she dropped her eyes to the ground again. "I lost that for a while." Tears were filling her eyes, she felt as though she were stripping the skin from her bones, flaying herself and laying all the horrible mess inside bare for Hera to judge. Despite her fear of being found wanting, she pressed on. "To be cut off from the Force, you can't imagine what that's like."
"Like being blinded?" Hera attempted.
Fen shook her head. "No, its more like losing all your senses at once. It's like going from living life to watching it in a holofilm. I can't live like that. Not again. But now… now the Force is different and darker and I … I guess I have to figure things out." She swallowed, hard, before the natural conclusion she had come to. "So if you want me to leave, so I won't be a danger to anyone, I'll understand." She focused very intently on the dirt beneath her fingernails, snakes tying knots in her stomach.
She flinched reflexively as Hera laid her hand against Fen's. "I don't want you to go." Something large shifted in Fen's heart.
"You don't?" Hera shook her head, powerful emotion radiating from her, Fen didn't dare look at it too hard. This was so close, so close to everything she wanted, but guilt wouldn't let her go so easily. "Hera…"
Hera kissed her.
The action was unexpected, she had been so caught up in herself, she failed to notice her intent. Fen froze. For a brief instant, Hera's lips were against hers and a previously unseen hole in her heart was filled. Before she could respond, or even think of how, Hera pulled back, her eyes wide with fear.
"I… I'm sorry." Now it was her turn to try and run.
"Wait," Fen reached for her hand, holding her back, pulling her back to the ground. Her heart was taking up more space than it should have as she leaned towards Hera, staring at her blue-green ocean eyes. Exactly none of her life had prepared her for this moment. It didn't matter. She kissed Hera Syndulla and it felt exactly right. Her lips were soft against Fen's and for a moment, she couldn't think of anything at all. All she knew was that she wanted Hera closer, and she pulled her in until the twi'lek was almost on top of her.
That was her mistake. For another half heartbeat, everything was perfect, their hearts beating in sync. Then, unwelcome as a hurricane, memories of much less willing kisses began to bubbled to the surface. Frantic, she tried to force them down and away, not now! As Hera's lips pressed more insistently against hers, they overcame her, dominating her senses and blurring reality. "No." She pushed at Hera's chest, limbs moving without instruction and Hera collapsed backwards, confused.
"What's wrong?" In the distance Hera sounded desperately afraid.
"It's not you." Fen forced a whisper, palms pressed hard against her closed eyes, body shaking, fending off imaginary attacks.
Still, Hera didn't leave. "What can I do?"
"I don't know," she moaned, sobbing suddenly as the sensation of brutal lips crushing against her own overwhelmed her. She sensed someone moving closer and then, after a moment's hesitation, Hera loosely wrapped her arms around her, slowly running her fingers through Fen's hair. Her body shook as she mentally repulsed invasion after invasion. However, rising above the tide of memories was the sensation of Hera's fingers gently pulling through her hair. Reaching up from the swirling chaos of her mind, Fen flailed for that sensation, reaching for a life-raft while drowning at sea. As she came to the surface, she leaned into the sensation of her head moving slightly with the rising and falling of Hera's chest. Tears were drying stiffly on her cheeks. She could feel the pounding of Hera's heart in her bones. The softest touch of fingers against her scalp, the quiet murmur of 'It's okay, I've got you.' She was safe. Carefully, she pulled herself up, Hera untangling her fingers from Fen's dark locks.
"Are you going to be alright?"
"I think so, for now anyway. I'm so sorry." She actually looked directly into Hera's eyes for a moment before she turned her focus back to the grass.
"What happened to you?"
"I...I can't." Fen shook her head, dispelling ghosts. She twisted the ball of her hand into the dirt, crushing plants beneath it, if only she could crush her memories, control her traitorous mind. "Please, I can't." Can't talk about it, can't think about it. She could only pretend the past had never happened.
Hera seemed to understand her stuttering plea. "I'm sorry, you're safe now though."Curiosity still filling the air between them.
"Am I?" She looked up to the sky, the bits she could see between the trees. "The Empire is still looking for us, they know I exist now, that I killed stormtroopers, that I survived the Purge. They're going to come for me."
"I'll protect you." Fen wished she could believe her. Hera suddenly blushed and looked away. "About earlier… you're a Jedi … I'm sorry if that was too forward, if you're not into … that sort of thing."
Fen opened her mouth, about to respond when she was interrupted by a sudden sense of danger, pulling her eyes from Hera's. She stood on one smooth motion, staring into the depths of the forest, waiting. Hera followed suit. She didn't have to wait long, something was crashing through the bush, something very large and angry and coming in their direction by the sound of it. At least it wasn't the Empire.
"We've gotta get back to the others." Hera was already running as she spoke and Fen turned to follow. She froze a few seconds later as a large bipedal monster burst from the bushes, thin arms outstretched towards her. "Great, a gutkurr!" Hera fired a few shots in its direction and kept running. Fen did the same,
The blaster shots seemed to have no effect and she felt it gaining on them as she ran. The girls in the next clearing were all awake, prepared to run or fight. "Get ready." Hera yelled as she burst from the trees, spinning around to face the beast, Fen on her heels. They were backed up to the cliff and Fen didn't fancy another swim. They would make their stand here. For a moment, she had Hera locked eyes and then it was on them.
The beast seemed startled that suddenly its prey had multiplied, but it recovered quickly enough, swiping at one of the nearest girls. Fen was already shooting, aiming for its large red eyes with less than perfect marksmanship. Instinctively, she reached out for the Force, her grasp tainted with anger and fear and she flung a wall of force into it without thinking. The beast staggered a little to the side and one of the twi'leks fell over. Fen pulled back, even when she meant to help, she still messed it up.
She was going to have to do this another way. The beast charged at her and she had to leap to the side, skidding across the grass, losing some skin in the process. Disregarding the pain, she leapt back to her feet and kept shooting. It took another swipe with it's deadly claws and a girl went down. In the semi-darkness she couldn't tell who it was, but Hera yelled. Panicked, Fen reached for the Force, headless of her own warning moments before, but before she could do anything, the beast collapsed under sustained fire.
Hera ran passed Fen to the girl who had collapsed and she felt a rush of relief. It was the girl she had nearly killed earlier, Sotna. She was clutching at her stomach, hands failing to hide the blood welling up behind them. A rush of satisfaction and relief filled her chest for a moment and then, sickened with herself, she crushed it.
"Can you help her?" Hera looked up, desperation in her eyes.
Fen silently shook her head, even as Sotna spat. "I don't want her help." Mouth twisting, Fen turned and left, shoulders set.
Hera couldn't spare a backward glance for Fen as Sotna trembled in her arms. "Does anyone have a medkit?" Her voice was more level than she could have hoped. One was passed to her with shaking fingers, Hera squeezed the girl's hand as she took it, knowing it was useless, knowing she had to try. Slowly she lifted Sotna's hand from her stomach, jaw clenched against the worst. It still hurt. Guilt pressed against her chest, she was supposed to have protected these girls. Carefully, she pushed a bacta patch on the wound, Sotna gasping with pain. Warm blood oozed though Hera's fingers as she met the dying girls eyes. There was no need to explain. "I'm so sorry," she whispered, laying a bloody hand on her cheek.
Hera stayed that way until the light faded from Sotna's eyes. Closing them, Hera wiped her hands on her pants, and then the tears from her face. She stood slowly, feeling eyes on her back. "She's gone."
One of the girls let out a wail of despair that stabbed a frozen knife into Hera's heart and collapsed into the arms of another. The girl who had asked about Fen before, Iania stepped forward, arms crossed, smothering her grief with rage, tear tracks on her face reflecting the torchlight. "This is her fault."
"How?" Hera asked, unsurprised.
"Stop defending her. She's a Jedi, she could have handled it before Sotna got hurt." Another girl advanced, Hera bit her lip, heart sinking.
"Yeah, She let Sotna die, she just tried to kill her like an hour ago, how can you stand by her?" Iania advanced, glaring in the direction where Fen had run.
"Fen didn't mean to." Hera took a step backwards, placing herself between the angry girls and Fen's clearing. "We are all hurt by this. I really thought we could all make it out of here alive." Emotion had crept into her voice and she hated that she couldn't tell whether or not she had put it there on purpose. "But blame is not going to solve anything. Those incidents, tragic as they were were both accidents."
"She may not have meant to, but she did. Why do you keep defending her?"
"Because she's my friend, and I would do the same for any of you." A cold truth was beginning to settle around Hera's shoulders and she straightened them, despite this, Iania continued.
"That's not good enough, she almost killed Iania! She should be left behind." In the back, Hera watched several of the girls nod. None of them met her gaze.
She knew what she had to do, her father's instruction gave her words and before she could soften them, they were out. "Fen is staying with us. Anyone who objects can stay behind." Iania flinched, the others looked nervous. For a moment, she thought she had won.
"No." Iania clenched her fists. "You won't abandon one of your own. She goes."
"You are not in charge here Iania." She heard her own voice, cold as iron, surprising even herself. "I am. I have made the decision. If you don't like it, leave."
Iania spun to face the other girls. "We're not going to stand for this, right?"
Before Hera had time to think, she drew her blaster, leveling it at Iania's head. Everyone froze. "Leave. Now." Fear glinted in the girl's eyes and Hera's heart broke but she couldn't back down now.
Shaking slightly, Iania grabbed her things, running headlong into the forest with two others.
The silence that followed their departure lay across them all like a smothering blanket. Her hands trembled as she put her blaster back into her holster. Hera opened her mouth to say something, but everything she could think of sounded like her father. Something poisonous shifted in the base of Hera's stomach. Unable to take the stares, she walked in the direction of Fen, trying to pretend she wasn't running from herself.
To her relief, Fen was asleep, head lolled against a huge tree, curled into a ball, dark strands of hair fluttering as she snored lightly. Holding herself, Hera sat beside her, the enormity of what she had done sinking into her bones. She had become her father. She had done the one thing she had sworn never to do. How, how had this happened?
She didn't need to look far to find the answer. Fen. She had kissed Fen, she might have overstepped in the moment, but Fen had kissed her back. Hera smiled despite herself for a moment before it faded. Was this what love was? Becoming what you despised and feared to protect someone, despite how guilty they might be. She couldn't deny, the girls had been right. Fen had tried to kill one of them, her very presence put them in more danger then they otherwise might have been. But to cast her out? That was unthinkable. An hour ago though, she would have said the same thing about threatening and casting out a girl who had disagreed with her.
Were the other girls right? Had she betrayed her own people for Fen? She didn't want to believe it. Doubt was fatal, her father had always told her. Usually, Hera ignored his unwanted advice, but that piece had always seemed sound. She had made a decision, she had to be sure because now she had to live with the consequences. Those girls feared her now. They would stay because it was still safer than leaving, but now she was something to be wary of. For a long moment, Hera hated herself.
Beside her, Fen mumbled in her sleep, nose wrinkling slightly and emotion swelled in her chest, casting off the weight of a galaxy for the space of a moment.
She would do it again if she had to. She still had Sotna's blood on her hands, even now, Iania was wandering through the woods alone and still she knew she would defend Fen again and again. She would kill for this girl. The thought ran through her, the cold peel of a mourning bell. Ice cracked along the edges of her fractured heart as she stared at Fen, this broken girl, trying so hard to be strong, to prove she was enough.
Hera shifted away to the other side of the tree, terrified with this newfound discovery. There were things more important than Fen in the universe, she had known that an hour ago too, she had known that when she met Fen, she had known the importance of this work, even when she was captured by slavers. That she had put anyone above that, even for a moment, Hera shook her head in dismay. For so long she had been committed to fighting oppression, in her own way. Apparently all it took to break that commitment were the small smiles and unexpected laughter of a single pretty girl. She had become her father. It was a risk she couldn't take again.
Then Fen awoke with a gasp and a repressed sob. For a moment, Hera could only hear her as she controlled her breathing. Fen appeared around the side of the tree, shoulders hunched, bare arms wrapped around herself, shivering in the cold. "Are you alright?" Slowly, she lowered herself to the ground cross legged, dress riding up along her pale thighs. Hera quickly turned her gaze away.
"We have to leave." She said by way of answer, which to Fen was no answer at all.
"What do you mean? Leave the forest? I thought that was a given."
"No, Ryloth. After I get these girls out of here, we have to leave."
"Why?" Fen's eyes widened, then she looked to the ground. "Is it my fault?"
"No." Hera could take the weight of this guilt from her, take it and not crack under the pressure. "It was inevitable once we escaped from the Imperial base. They're going to look for us, I can't have us lead the Empire to my father's door, not again."
"The first time wasn't your fault." Fen put a hand on Hera's knee, but she pulled away, afraid of her traitorous heart. The sudden fear in Fen's eyes almost made her change her mind. She looked away, trying to maintain her composure.
"Blame doesn't matter. After this, we're getting off this world."
