Chapter Nine
The Same Mistake
A Week Later
I knocked on Christine's door with a sheet of music in my hands. The last task Erik gave me before our fallout a week ago. I am doing the task now not for him but for me and Benedict's Ballet Academy; Our Opening Show is two months away and we have to start rehearsing for it. Apparently, Erik (Mr. Leroux) and Benedict have been in communication constantly about what to do to expand the Academy. Mr. Leroux told Benedict that the first thing they must do is bring some more positive attention to the Academy. The people of Paris must be aware of the existence of the Academy in order to endorse it. This is why they decided to plan a Ballet Recital for the public's enjoyment but Mr. Leroux was clear that the Recital would include dancing and singing as well. And what a better way to attract an audience to an unknown Academy's Ballet Recital than having one of the most prestigious and famous Opera songstress there to open it with a beautiful Aria written by a mysterious composer who I knew very well.
"Meg!" Christine exclaimed happily as I entered her living room. She hugged me excitedly and I tried to return her excitement but all I could picture was her and Erik on that bridge. I am trying to be happy for her, as I always tend to, but this time… the grief is still too near to my heart.
"How are you?" Christine asked. She took my hand and sat me down next to her in her very fine upholstery.
"I am fine, Christine. A little occupied because of the Recital but fine."
"Oh yes! I had forgotten about that! How is that all going?"
"Well, actually, this is what I'm here to ask you for." I passed on to her lap Erik's sheet music for her.
"We would like you to sing at our Ballet Recital." Christine observed the sheets of music I passed on to her and immediately a smile came upon her face. "Erik wrote this, did he not?" Christine asked me and I quickly glanced behind me, hoping not to see Raoul.
"Do not worry, Meg. He's out on business."
"Yes, Erik wrote it. He wants you to sing it in the Recital." I answered, trying not to let any bitterness come out from my voice. This only cemented to me the idea that Erik longed for their reconciliation.
"It is Majestic. Erik certainly outdid himself with this." Christine whispered, her eyes were lost reading the music, almost as if she was imagining it all in her head.
"Of course he did, it is for you." I could not help myself from replying.
"l'amour ne meurt jamais… Love Never Dies. How beautiful. Of course, I will sing it. I owe him that." Christine answered; apparently she did not hear what I said.
"Perfect, rehearsals start tomorrow. I hope you can make it… and that you are able to escape Raoul's grasp, of course." I added, knowing how controlling Raoul can be with Christine. Christine's eyes turned sad and she looked at me as if she had done something wrong.
"About that… that's something I want to talk to you about." She set down the sheets of music on the table in front of her and then glanced behind me to see if some of the servants were near.
"Let's go out for a walk in the garden, Meg." She announced and urged me with her hand on my arm to go outside with her. We walked slowly outside, admiring her garden, but I could sense the heaviness in the air. I had a feeling I knew what she was going to say and I don't know if I'm ready to hear it.
"Meg… I'm divorcing Raoul." I looked over at her in surprise. Although, I was expecting it somehow, but I thought it would be more on the grounds of running away with Erik not doing something illegal.
"Divorce? But Christine that is still illegal." I warned her. Debates have been going on for sometime in France, especially by women, but divorce is still not permitted.
"I have people that I can contact… they can make it legal." Christine said, with a look in her eyes that told me not to ask any more questions. I have known Christine involved in some marches for women's rights, however subtly, because of her social status as Comtesse. But now I'm wondering in how much she has truly been involved in.
"Are you sure you wish to do this?"
"I must, Meg. In order to protect Philippe and myself… I must. "
"Have you told Raoul yet?"
"I will soon. I just want to be sure Philippe and I will be safe." Then, like an uncontrollable urge, I just had to ask this next question.
"And after? You will go and be with Erik?" I asked, my eyes averting Christine's own. As I kept walking in front of her, I waited for the final blow.
"What?" Christine asked. I heard her stop behind me and I did the same. Looking back at her, as normal as I could, not wanting to look like it affected me.
"Erik? You will go and be with him now, surely. You are free to do so." I said, mustering a smile from inside me that I did not even know where it came from. Christine looked deeply into my eyes and then she did a small smile that I could not understand.
"Oh, you foolish girl." She whispered and my smile faltered.
"What do you mean?"
"Meg, I am doing no such thing. What made you think that?" Christine asked me, sitting down on a metal, black bench right in the middle of her garden. I couldn't help but scoff at her question.
"I saw you and Erik at the bridge a week ago. I only assumed-"
"Oh, Meg, no, that… that was not a reconciliation."
"It was not?" I asked in genuine surprise.
"That was a farewell. It was our way of finally putting an end to our story." Christine answered, her eyes full of what seemed nostalgia.
"And I asked him for the kiss… not the other way around." Christine said in a final way and I was trying to take all of it in. Christine and Erik were not planning on being together again?
"Meg…" Christine called me, breaking me away from my thoughts.
"Sit down." I did as I was told, almost numbly, I did not even know what to think. It could not be that… Erik chose me?
"You once told me that you wanted me to be the one to show Erik that He could be loved, that he was a great man, no matter what he looked like." Christine whispered to me as she took hold of my hands. I remember when I told her that. It was when I finally told her the truth about who Erik was and that I had always known his true identity.
"But Meg… no one was going to be able to do that. Only you." I look up in surprise. Christine was actually looking at me with her eyes almost in tears and a small smile on her face.
"Oh, Meg, you have loved him for so long; so purely, so genuinely and secretly, even from me. You have been so strong and endured so much. The only one who deserves to love him is you. And Erik told me himself... he loves you." Christine held my hands tighter as I felt tears fall down my cheeks. In all of my years loving Erik, I had never told anyone, not even Mama but I know she already knew. But to have Christine, of all people, say these words to me… I could not help but feel like I made it to the end of a long, perseverant race… and finally won.
"So… Please, Meg, do not make the same mistake I did. Do not make the choice you think you have to do or people want you to do." Christine said, her eyes also letting tears fall, and she put her hand on my cheek.
"Make the choice you want to make; the choice that your heart wants to make. If not, trust me, you will live to regret it forever." Christine's voice broke at the end of the sentence and I knew she was talking about her choice to leave with Raoul those many years ago under the Opera Populaire.
"But Christine, you and Erik—"
"Me and Erik lost our chance many years ago. Both of us made the wrong choices. I chose to leave him under the Opera… he chose to leave me that night in the sewer. We made the wrong choices and we made our peace with them." Christine's tears fell on our entwined hands and I could not help but close my eyes, squeezing my eyelids, letting more tears fall as well.
"Now, it's your turn to make a choice."
…
Benedict's Manor
The Same Day
I knocked on the door almost heavily. My heartbeat was erratic and I was trying to calm myself enough to do what I needed to do. The door opened and Benedict's Head Butler answered the door.
"Mademoiselle Giry, How very nice to see you again."
"Bonjour, Louis. Is Benedict home?"
"Yes, Miss, is he expecting you?" Louis asked and my heart dropped.
"No, he is not." I answered, trying to hide the sadness in my voice.
"Oh, well, I will announce your arrival." He answered, letting me come in. He guided me to the dining room as he went to go look for Benedict. I sat down at the table and glanced around Benedict's beautiful home.
Benedict comes from a long line of famous Ballet Masters that have worked for many years in France. He told me his Father had left him quite a large inheritance after his death, he never told me how much. But from his house, I can tell that Benedict's family was wealthy. I had known his family's history in Ballet and how they had made themselves known around Europe but I never truly saw much of that wealth in Benedict's work. He's always said that He wants to build his own reputation, apart from his family's wealth. That's why he never asked them for help in the Academy he's been trying to build for years. He wants to do it on his own. Admirable, of course, he is a very admirable man. And humble, there is not a prideful or greedy bone in his body.
"Mon amour, I was not expecting you today." I heard Benedict's voice behind me and it broke me away from my thoughts. He wrapped his arms around my shoulders from behind me on the chair and kissed me on the cheek.
"I was not expecting to come, either." I answered; he let me go and moved in front of me, looking down at me curiously.
"Is everything all right?" He asked me worriedly. I did not know how to answer that.
"Sit down, Ben, I just need to talk to you about something." I said and he did as I told him to but I could see in his face that he was confused.
"All Right, Meg, you are scaring me. What is it?" I stared in his eyes, his beautiful emerald eyes that could always calm any storms within me. I could not believe that I was about to break this man's heart.
"Ben… it is about… your proposal." I said it with my voice shaking a little. I saw his small smile falter.
"I… I cannot accept it." I stated and my eyes watered. Ben's smile was completely gone now and the light that is always there in his eyes faded.
"I see." He whispered and averted his eyes from my own.
"And you deserve an explanation for why and I… I want to give it you." He remained silent, his eyes looking down to his hands under the table. I could not help but compare if it was Erik, his fury and temper would have been made known in the entire Mansion. But this was Ben… Ben was the complete opposite of Erik. Where one was fire and brimstone the other was water and sand. In all of the time in our relationship, I rarely saw Benedict lose his temper. He was a very introverted man, which is also what I know led me to like him as well.
"You fell in love with someone else." He whispered lowly from his seat.
"No… I was already in love with someone else… long before I met you." This sparked his interest because he finally looked up at me.
"I met a man many years ago when I was thirteen years old. He became a part of my Mother's life and mine's very intimately. He became family. But when I was seventeen, I realized I had fallen in love with him. But for many years, I did not express it because I was afraid of his rejection. He was a very complicated man. But I offered him my friendship and my loyalty without falter. But, suddenly and swiftly, he disappeared from my life. He broke my heart and I practically fell in a very deep depression. I thought I would never see him again. I had not heard from him in seven years when I met you. But recently, he re-entered my life and feelings I thought were long buried and finished forever… I found out they never left." Benedict stood up from the seat and turned his back away from me, as if he wanted to hide what he was feeling from me.
I stopped, waiting to see what he would do. I did not know if to continue. I did not know what to expect. After a minute of silence, I decided to keep going, Ben was apparently listening to me.
"And… he came back looking for me and telling me that he… he loved me. Ben, I need you to understand that I thought I could finally move on with you and I wanted to. But you do not deserve to be loved in half or mediocrely, Benedict. Because I know you, you do not love that way and I will not love you that way. And if I marry you knowing I still love him… It will not be fair to you." A long silence ensued and I was almost scared to hear him answer. Sometimes, silence is even worse than a sound being made. The silence can mean so many things or absolutely nothing. But I had to tell Benedict something of the truth. Although I know that I will never be able to fully reveal or explain everything of me and Erik's relationship. It is too complex for people to comprehend or define. But I hope Ben can understand me in someway. I don't want to break him. I don't want to bring him pain… God knows, he does not deserve that pain.
"Benedict? Can you please say something?" I finally asked after minutes of silence passed.
"I do not really know what to say. What am I supposed to answer to someone that has just revealed to me that they never loved me?"
"No, Ben, that's not true. Of course, I loved you." I stood up from my seat and inched closer to him.
"Tell me one moment that you loved me." Benedict stated firmly, raising his voice a little, as he turned towards me. His eyes were red, full of tears and anger. But I could also see the sadness in them and they broke my heart.
"Do you remember the first time you kissed me?" I asked.
"Of course." He answered lowly.
"We were rehearsing and we had to do a lift. But I was afraid to do it with you. Do you remember what you told me?"
"I told you to trust me… I would never let you fall."
"And I ran into your arms and we did a perfect lift. And as I fell down into your arms and felt them so safe around me… I realized that I loved you. You were the person that reminded me that my heart could still love someone. I trusted you with it and you did not let me down." But I let him down. I closed my eyes and tears puddled behind my eyelids as I realized how much I had let this man down. Fresh tears ran down my face as I looked up at Benedict again. A tear fell down his face but he wiped it away quickly. I dared to get closer to him and grab his hand. Thankfully, he did not push me away.
"I do love you, Ben."
"But not enough." He whispered, looking down at our intertwined hands.
"Not enough to give you what you deserve." I whispered back. He slowly let go of my hands. I saw him take a deep breath and looked at me in such a profound way he almost mirrored Erik's stare.
"I hope he loves you the way that you deserve." And that's when I knew my relationship with Ben was officially over.
"Goodbye, Meg." He said softly and I noticed him holding back tears.
"Goodbye." I whispered back. I leaned over to him and decided to plant a final kiss on his cheek. But Ben moved ever so slightly that it made my lips touch his. As soon as he captured my lips, he cupped my face, and kissed me urgently, knowing that it would be the final time. I felt his tears on my cheek and that made me let fall some more of my own. I could feel his longing in his lips and the sadness in his touch. After Erik's goodbye eight years ago, this was the hardest goodbye I have ever had to do. I let myself pour out every last inch of love I had for him in this final kiss. Because I knew once we parted our lips, it would never be the same. A part of me suddenly understood what Erik and Christine's kiss meant on the bridge. And I knew Christine's words were true. This was simply a final farewell. It was the end to our story.
…
When I entered my apartment after a very long day, I heard a familiar sound coming from my pianoforte. It seemed Erik had found his way back to my apartment. He was playing "Sunlight", the composition he showed me weeks ago. As I entered my living room, his back to me, playing the heavenly piece, I took a deep breath, preparing myself for what I was going to do. My emotional journey was not over yet today, it seemed.
"Erik, what are you doing here?" I asked as he finally finished playing the song. He rose up quickly, a bit startled; he stood up from the small bench, that familiar nervous twitching in his hand. I noticed he had his white mask on, it seems he wasn't expecting to stay long.
"Meg… I… I wanted to know if you sent Christine her music." Erik said, trying to sound firm, like he used to do when he was the Phantom so many years ago. But I could see it in his eyes; he can never hide the emotion in his eyes. There was fear, nervousness, even anxiety. Now it was my turn to grin. It seemed I am also able to affect Erik in someway.
"I did, she will sing." I answered, inching towards him. I could see the contentment in his eyes, His Recital all going to plan.
"Good." He said but then he averted his eyes from mine.
"Meg, I also came because I wanted to give you something for the Recital." He suddenly turned around and took the sheets of music from the piano. He walked over to me and put them in my hands.
"I don't understand." I looked up at him curiously and he did a miniscule grin.
"This music is for you. I want you to dance it at the Recital." Erik whispered to me and my eyes widened at his request.
"Dance? With your music?"
"Yes, I wrote it for you a long time ago. I have been waiting for the moment to finally give it to you." I looked down at the sheet of music almost astonished and tears started forming in my eyes. It has been a most secret dream of mine to dance to one of Erik's compositions. A dream I thought long dead and impossible what with all that has happened between us over the years. And now, here I am, holding the sheet of music in my hand. I almost could not believe it.
"Is this a dream?" I whispered accidentally, I meant that to be in my head.
"No, it is not." Erik answered me and I looked up at him with tears now falling on my cheeks.
"Thank you, Erik. You have no idea how much this means to me."
"I think I do… if it means the same as it does to me." My eyes looked at him curiously. Erik took my hand and led me to sit down in front of the piano. He put the sheet of music in front of him and started playing it slowly on the keys.
"I wrote this piece one night in Persia. It was almost dawn… I had stayed up all night… thinking about you.
"He glanced over at me, ensuring that I was listening to him, and then kept playing the beautiful melody on the piano.
"I was haunted by the kiss you gave me that night in the sewer. But not because I felt lust... it was because of my surprise to know that you truly loved me. It was shocking the realization of how much. You did not show your love to me out of pity or compassion. You did it because that was how you truly felt. And lost in those thoughts, in the middle of a very dark room, looking out at the night, something I was very much accustomed to. I saw out of the window beside me the sun coming out of the horizon. In all my years in the underground of Paris, I had never seen the sunrise. The sun broke through the darkness in my room and quickly enough, I was engulfed in the light." Erik whispered all of this to me, his hands moving smoothly and without interruption on top of the piano keys. My heart was almost coming out of my chest and my tears were unstoppable now. The music was filling me up with an emotion I could not begin to explain.
"And it occurred to me, right then, that that was what that kiss did to me. It dispelled away all the sadness that I could feel and the darkness from a life without love and it engulfed me with so much of it, that I could not stop it. And I did not want to stop it. I wanted to feel that light in my life. I wanted to be loved in that way. I wanted to be loved by you." Erik finished his sentence and kept playing the keys. His eyes closed as he let himself be completely taken by the music coming from his hands. I always loved it when he would lose himself in the music and play with his pure passion. It was there I could see who he really was. But there was something about playing a melody that was mine, inspired in some way by me, which made it even more beautiful to me. It was like admiring a beautiful painting in amazement knowing that somewhere between the colors there was something of you in it. It simply rendered me speechless.
Even as I heard the music, lost within it as well with my eyes closed. As every note filled my chest and mind, capturing every part of me, it astounded me even more that Erik wrote this because of me. I wondered if I was worth so much beauty. Even more surprising to me… Did Erik truly see me this way, this beautiful? It was like getting a glimpse inside his mind. Or was it his heart? This only gave me more courage to do what I was about to do. When Erik finally hit his final note, I opened my eyes to glance at him, and I saw his eyes were closed, as he was still lost in his music. I slowly put my left hand on top of his right and softly intertwined my fingers through his. Erik broke away from his thoughts and quickly looked down at our hands. I then, slowly, took his other hand and repeated the same action. I kissed both hands softly, as you would do anyone you utterly admire, and then looked up at his brown eyes, staring down at me in wonder.
"I… I rejected Benedict's proposal." I whispered. Picturing Benedict's face earlier today when I went over to his house. His face reflected how heartbroken he was but he, being such a good man, understood my decision.
"And I…I choose you, Erik." I said, my mind going back to many years before, a night in a sewer, when I confessed my love to him for the first time. The words were still as true as they were that day.
"I will always choose you." I whispered inching closer to his lips. But before I could even set my lips on his, Erik let go of my hands, cupped my face and kissed me. I moaned softly as his lips soft and gentle kissed me slowly, not wanting to rush anything. I urged him with my tongue to deepen the kiss and he did. My hands found my way to his chest as he left me almost breathless.
"Oh, ma lumière, I love you." Erik whispered inches from my lips.
"I love you." He kissed me on my left cheek.
"I love you." He kissed me on my other cheek.
"I love you." He kissed my forehead. With every new kiss he gave me, accompanied by his soft I love you, I felt my tears falling down my cheeks. So many years, longing to hear Erik say those words to me, and here he was, letting his love fall over me like rain.
"Don't cry, mon amour. Please." Erik whispered to me after giving me a final kiss on my chin.
"I am not crying because of sadness. I… I... I am crying because of how happy I am." I answered, smiling. "And I am the source of that happiness?" Erik asked me, his insecurities breaking through.
"Yes, yes you are." I answered finally, sealing my declaration with a kiss.
