Rumors


I had a good vantage point and was able to watch Grimmjow walk through the halls of Las Noches without being noticed myself. I could even tell when he began to get irritated with the way that people started running away from him. I'm sure that's he's used to people moving out of his way or avoiding him, but this was more along the lines of timed sprints in the opposite direction whenever he approached.

Finally he got fed up and grabbed someone. I quickly moved in so I could hear the conversation.

"Please don't rape me!" Apache said, slightly cowering

"Whoa, what?" asked Grimmjow confused, loosening his hold on her shirt but not letting her go completely.

"I know that you're in heat but I don't really think that…"

"WHAT!" he growled. "WHO THE HELL SAID I WAS IN HEAT?"

She didn't say anything.

"Look, I'm a hollow, not a freaking cat," he said angrily, "and it's female cats that go into heat, not males. DO I LOOK LIKE A FEMALE TO YOU?"

She nodded no, and he released her, still glowering.

"Grimmjow," I intervened. Apache used the distraction to get the hell out of Dodge.

"What?" he turned, looking particularly feral.

"Well, she is Tia Harribel's fraccion; I assume she heard that rumor from her."

He grunted and left, presumably to do unpleasant things to his fellow Espada.

I followed from a distance. It's no fun if you don't actually get to see what's happening. I can always just watch the video feed from our cameras, but I like being there firsthand if I can.


"What the hell are you doing spreading rumors about me, you big boobed half naked nitwit?" Grimmjow didn't pull any punches in starting his conversation with Tia.

She looked confused. Angry as well of course; I assume about the nitwit part, since the rest is fairly accurate.

"I don't spread rumors," she sniffed.

"You also have fake breasts!"

"What?"

"How else do explain how they defy gravity? You're obviously not wearing a bra. Exactly how ugly are you that you have to show almost all of your boobs and hide your face?" Grimmjow continued his rant.

"Look here, pig…"

"Grimmjow," I stepped in. "I just received a report that Ichigo Kurasaki is planning on invading Hueco Mundo."

"He is? When? Is he here?" Grimmjow said eagerly.

Gesh, he's not a cat, he's a dog, waiting for the arrival of his master. I laughed to myself at my joke, but decided it was better to not provoke Grimmjow further at the moment.

Grimmjow took off to my wholly fabricated but probably going to happen anyways lie (seriously, that Ichigo kid has a rescue complex a mile wide).

"Well, I don't think your boobs are fake," I said to Tia. I would know; I've met several pairs of magically perky breasts over the course of my life.

"I…I just don't like wearing bras," she said. "They're uncomfortable."

"Huh, the things you don't know as a guy I guess," I shrugged. "Although, Szayel seems to be able to deal with it."

"Szayel?" she asked, confused.

"Yeah, for some reason he wears a bra. Sometimes you can see it if his shirt gaps a little wide," I mentioned innocently. "It's pink, like his hair."

"Huh," she said.


"I do not wear a bra!" Szayel yelled at me.

"Oh really? Prove it," I said.

"Is this just an excuse to get me half-naked?"

"Oh I'm sorry, I'm not really interested. I would definitely say you're not my type," I replied. "I'm sorry I can't return your affection."

"What? I wasn't hitting on you!"

"You do wear a woman's thong though right?" I questioned.

"NO! NO WOMAN'S UNDERWEAR! Also, I'm not gay, and if I was, I sure as hell wouldn't go for you!" Szayel responded.

"Oh, what kind of guy would you go for?"

"I'm not stupid enough to answer that," he said, calming down a bit.

"Well, I only mention it because I thought you wore a bra because Nnoitra told me that he saw you wearing one the last time he watched you undress," I said casually.

There was silence.

"He…watched me undress?" Szayel said.

"Yes, I thought you knew. I assumed that maybe you two had a thing going. You can see how I'd be confused."


"I am not a peeping tom," Nnoitra said firmly, appearing in front of me in the hall. "If I was, I sure as hell would be looking at women and not some freak like Szayel."

"So, you prefer to spy on women?"

"That is not what I said!" he said gruffly, standing over me. He is pretty tall, but he can't intimidate with me while he's wearing a spoon on his head.

"Oh, I'm sorry, it's just that Tia said that she had caught someone watching her change. She thought it might be you. She only saw black hair," I explained soothingly.

"…black hair…could it have been Ulquiorra?" Nnoitra thought aloud.

"He doesn't really seem like the type," I hedged. "Although, I do know that he and the human girl are involved."

"Involved?" Nnoitra repeated.

"Yes, and I wouldn't have expected that either, so maybe I just don't know him very well," I waved and walked off.

This time I was going to have to watch from the cameras, unfortunately.


"What the hell…" breathed Nnoitra huskily as he approached Ulquiorra.

"Yes?" Ulquiorra asked.

"Who the hell did you have to screw to get your own sex slave?"

Ulquiorra took a moment to process that.

"That doesn't even make any sense," he said finally.

"You're having sex with that human all the time and you expect me…"

"Are you referring to Orihime Inoue? I assure you no such thing is taking place," Ulquiorra said, cutting Nnoitra off.

"Like I believe that? Grimmjow said that last time he came by she had her hands all over you!"

"She was, unfortunately, tickling me," Ulquiorra replied.

"Yeah, right. If there's nothing between you, why won't you let me in to see her?"

"Aizen has given responsibility of her care over to me. You are a threat and I will not let you approach her."

"Aizen…?" murmured Nnoitra.


"Did you find anything?" I asked Nnoitra the next day.

"I…do you think that Ulquoirra and Aizen are a little close?" he asked.

I gasped. "Why?"

"I just…something that I was thinking about yesterday," Nnoitra said.

"He better not be! Aizen knows that I am a very jealous man, I don't like sharing," I tried to look sufficiently peeved.

Nnoitra practically jumped back, I suppose to escape the gay rays now encircling me. Evidently such things can be catching. I managed to restrain my laughter until he made a lame excuse and took off. These Espada can be such children sometimes.


"I hear you got a little problem," Yammy said to Ulquiorra as they walked to their Espada meeting.

"What problem is that?"

"Gin wants to kill you. I can't blame him, I'm a fairly possessive man myself," Yammy said with a smirk.

I could see that Ulquiorra was confused. I quickly walked past, letting waves of angry spiritual pressure waft off of me.


I could tell that Aizen was wondering about the odd tension at the table. None of the Espada were looking anywhere near him, studying their tea or staring intently at the ceiling instead. All aside from Ulquiorra, who was staring at me trying to get me to meet his eye.

"May I make a quick comment before we start?" asked Kaname.

Aizen nodded his consent.

"You are all beyond mentally incompetent. Gin is not sleeping with Aizen. Ulquiorra is not sleeping with Aizen. Gin does not want to kill Ulquiorra," he said tonelessly.

There were murmurs around the table. Aizen lifted an eyebrow at me. I smiled and shrugged.

"Well, the rumors I heard about you being a killjoy are true," I said.

"At least I'm not morally bankrupt," Kaname replied.

"Don't worry kids, just a lover's quarrel," I said to the table of Espada.

Kaname visibly stiffened.

"It is not!"


Orihime: So does this mean that what I heard about you liking old black and white movies isn't true?

Ulquiorra:…

Orihime: Ones with detectives and things?

Ulquiorra: They're called "noir".