9.

It had been almost a week since Esther Mitchel accepted her first kiss from William Tavington. It had also been that long since she had seen hide or hair of him. Now as she readied for bed she sat reflecting about the past week and that first kiss.

When she had gone back into the house that rainy day she tried very hard to appear her usual self. Inside she was a whirlwind of emotion. Esther had been surprised to find William waiting in the barn for her. Nevertheless, she realized it was a pleasant surprise and she could barely contain herself when he said he came just to see her. She couldn't remember a time when anyone had done that. Even the few suitors she had long ago in Massachusetts had never tried to visit her like that. When William kissed her, well, the barn could have fallen on her head and it would not have stunned her more.

Esther had thought about that kiss all week and even then, as she sat brushing out her hair, she caught herself stopping to press her fingers to her lips as if she could still feel it.

She wanted so badly to trust him, to let him make her his. She had always wanted to get married and have children, to be someone's wife and helpmate. But she thought that once she had Jason, it would probably never happen. A potential husband might have been willing to overlook the fact that she had been soiled, but no one would ever accept Jason. Now here was this man that seemed to care for her son almost as much as she did and was interested enough to pursue her, yet she felt more vulnerable than ever.

There was also a part of Esther that had trouble understanding why he was so interested in her. She had never thought of herself as a pretty girl- contrary to what her father always said. Her suitors back East were just young lads and none of them had ever taken her seriously. The only logical thing Esther could reason out was that William was seeking a woman that was experienced with frontier life, and if anything, she was certainly that.

Esther spoke to her father about William, almost seeking his blessing. When Mr. Mitchel informed her that William had already asked permission to call on her and court her, she knew she had it. Her father seemed more surprised that Esther was willing to accept William's courtship, knowing how his daughter feared most men.

When she questioned him about his thoughts on William's past he simply reminded her that everyone had to swim upstream sometimes and that what was most important was William's willingness to change his ways for the sake of their future. It was obvious her father held some sort of respect for William and it gave Esther comfort in knowing he had her father's good opinion.

As Esther turned her bed down she heard a faint clicking sound. She looked over at Jason who was sound asleep when she heard it again. It came from the window. She looked at the glass pane just as something struck it a third time. When she looked outside, there was William standing in the yard below. He saw her and motioned for her to come down.

Esther pulled her wrapper on over her cotton nightgown and grabbed her candle lantern. She painstakingly climbed down from the loft and snuck out the door, careful not to let it slam behind her.

She padded quietly towards him with bare feet across the dew covered grass to the sound of the cricket's serenade. Her heart pounded but she wasn't sure if it was because of William or this clandestine meeting they were about to share.

William stood there like a statue in the moonlight holding his hand out to her. His dark breeches and boots contrasted with the starchy whiteness of his shirt, which was open at the collar. His hair was down and that surprised her. Even when she saw him dirty from the fields William always had certain neatness about him, and he certainly always kept his hair back. For a moment she wondered if something was wrong. What would bring him here so late at night?

His dark lashes shadowed his cheeks as he gazed down at her hand when she took his. He stroked it with his thumb, bringing his eyes up to meet hers and quietly said, "I was about to go to bed when I realized I haven't seen you all week."

Esther could hardly contain her smile, so she teased him. "So you tossed pebbles at my window like a schoolboy?"

"I couldn't very well knock on the door, could I?" He asked his face still quite serious.

"No, I suppose not."

They stood there in silence for a moment, both of them wanting to say something to drive away the awkwardness they each seemed to feel.

William took the lantern from her hand and set it on the ground next to their feet. Then he pulled her closer. Esther wasn't quite sure how she felt about that. Part of her wanted to be closer to him but there was still a small voice in the back of her mind that told her to run, that this could only end badly, that he might hurt her. She told the voice to shut up and accepted his warm embrace.

"Have you been missing me as much as I have missed you?" He asked casually tilting his head.

William's hand skimmed up her back and she suddenly felt naked with just a simple nightgown and wrapper. Esther stiffened, unable to control her reaction, her forearms tightly guarding her chest. She fought to force herself to relax, not wanting to be afraid.

"Yes," she admitted, opening her fists so that her palms lay against the firmness of his chest. "I was beginning to wonder if you were having second thoughts about me."

He smiled in the way Esther was beginning to become accustomed to. Not with his mouth so much as his eyes. Although his lips curved slightly along with the tiny wrinkles that deepened at the corners of the bluest eyes she had ever seen.

"No," he said. "With all the rain I had some work to catch up on."

"Oh," Esther replied faintly.

It was only response she could seem to manage at that point. She felt captivated by him in a sense that she had not felt in the days before he had kissed her. Yet she realized as much as she wanted this from him- the attention and affection- she was still afraid. She knew what it was that men could do to women. She knew what this man could do to her with ease if he wanted to. But instead of pushing him away, she leaned into him. Daring him, she raised herself on her toes until the tip of her nose touched his.

William moved slightly, catching part of her upper lip with his, tugging it, as if to coax her closer. She fell into the kiss, softly at first, absorbed in the growing feeling of such a simple touch. Then emboldened, Esther took his lips fully and when his tongue came seeking, she allowed it. He flicked it past her lips dissolving any trepidation she had left. Slowly with hands and tongue, he stroked away the years of loneliness she never knew she felt until now.

Esther had never known the enjoyment of being held and kissed in such a way. Now her heart awakened to the idea that things like this could be different with him than she thought they could be. There was nothing dirty or ugly about it. No revulsion or crawling of skin. Just the feeling of being swept away by his presence and an aching for more. More of what, she had no idea.

Suddenly William made a rough sound and arched away from her. He took her hands away from where they rested on his chest, breaking the kiss. His breathing was unsteady and she couldn't be sure if it was his or her hands that were shaking.

Esther recalled vividly the look of satisfaction William held when he kissed her in the barn. He didn't carry that expression now. Instead, his face held a look of confusion. He held her hands so tightly now the grip was almost painful.

"I think you should go inside now," he said huskily.

"But why?" Esther protested. She tried to push herself back into his arms but William held her back.

"Because if you don't," he replied severely, "I'll end up doing something we'll both regret."

She searched his face for a moment, not quite sure what he meant by that. When he stared back at her rather intently, his blue eyes seemed to bore into her, offering her no comfort or consolation and she reluctantly conceded. William picked up her lantern and handed it to her. Giving her one last tender kiss, he nudged her towards her door.

William promised to call on her as soon as he could and waited until she was in the house. Esther was relieved that Jason had not woken while she was gone. She went to the window to wave goodnight to William and felt slightly disappointed to find he had already disappeared into the darkness.

As he stalked off into the night, Tavington was utterly astounded at what had just occurred.

He had sought Esther out with the intention of wooing her a bit. He simply wanted to bring her around to what she might have missed out on when her innocence was stolen from her. Instead he felt he had unleashed something in her. In handing her the reins, he had inadvertently raised an ardor for her in himself that he had never felt for a woman before. Tavington knew this was no seduction, this was forever. And if he didn't control himself, he could hurt her and ruin everything he was trying to rebuild in her one slow but steady step at a time.

Esther had surprised him when she initiated that kiss. With his arms around her, he could feel the lushness of her body under the flimsy cotton nightgown she wore. Her hair looked beautiful the way it fell about her shoulders and down her back. The smell of her, the taste of her, the feel of her nearly drove him to madness. It amazed him how soft she was beneath his hands; how good she felt pressed against him. Had it just been any other woman he would have taken her right there. She was nearly twelve years his junior, but Esther had left him shaking like an untried teenaged lad. He wasn't sure he liked that.

When he reached the creek he stopped and pulled of his boots. He sat down in the water and then laid back, letting the frigid current wash away the lurid thoughts about her that rambled through his mind.

Damn! Damn! Damn!

Tavington scowled, realizing that his old friends Bordon and Tarleton would be laughing their arses off if they could see him right now.