A/N: Hello all! Here is the next chapter! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing. The reviews especially mean a lot. I am satisfied with this chapter but I realize it's not my best. Anyways I hope you enjoy!
Chapter 9
Previously
He needed to talk to Arthur. He needed him not to interrupt, not to say anything, just to let Merlin talk. Merlin needed that right now. He was doubting himself and Arthur and he just wanted things to go back to normal, or at least whatever normal would be from now on.
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Merlin moaned in his sleep "Arthur…Arthur…"soon his moans became yells and the yells became screams. He eventually woke himself up. Gaius had gone out that morning to do his rounds and Gwen was in the kitchens helping to prepare some food. Merlin realized when he woke up that he needed to speak to Arthur. He yelled to some guards down the hall. It took a good ten minutes, but eventually someone came and Merlin asked them to fetch Arthur. Merlin had just woken up, but it was at least a half hour since he had woken up when Arthur burst into Gaius' chambers eyes wide with worry.
"What's wrong with Merl..." Arthur stopped himself when he saw Merlin propped up on a few pillows and Gaius was nowhere to be found. "What is this Merlin? You nearly gave me a heart attack!" Arthur had his hands on his head and was trying to control his breathing. "I thought…I thought you were…you were…It was happening all over again. I can't believe you would do this to me!" Arthur sat down on Gaius' workbench and got his breathing under control. He sighed in resignation "What is it you wanted me for Merlin?"
"I just…" Merlin thought about it. He wanted Arthur to be ready to talk to him, and he was clearly busy and annoyed right now, so Merlin didn't think it was the best time to talk. "Never mind." Merlin hung his head in disappointment and mumbled "You're clearly busy and I don't want to bother you. I shouldn't have asked. Never mind." Merlin blushed and his cheeks turned to a fiery red but Arthur was none the wiser.
Arthur thought he knew what this was about. Merlin was starting to get better and now that he was conscious for long periods of time he would take the opportunity to discuss…things. But Arthur didn't want to do that right now. He wasn't ready. He was telling the truth when he said he had imagined…it…again. It was all flooding back into his memory when he had just managed to suppress it. He was also truthful when he said Merlin had nearly given him a heart attack, but it wasn't for the reason Merlin was probably thinking of.
Merlin didn't know what he was thinking! Why on earth would he call Arthur down to his chambers and just tell him 'Hey! I've got magic! I've been lying to you all these years and I hope we can still be friends! If we even were in the first place.
"Merlin?" Arthur's voice snapped Merlin back to reality and Merlin looked up to see Arthur looking at him with a soft smile "I'll come back in a bit to…you know…check up on you, or something." Arthur turned to leave and Merlin smiled in return, but it didn't reach his eyes. Arthur could see the pain of holding back whatever it was Merlin wanted to tell him and Arthur just wanted to ask him what it was. He thought about it, but he decided to save it for later.
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Arthur strode out of the physician's quarters and down the hall to a round table meeting. He couldn't help but be distracted by his thoughts about Merlin. He was so confused. What did Merlin have to hide from him? More than you thought, apparently. Arthur raised his eyebrows and cocked his head to the side in admittance. This girl Freya, and his doubts about you and the knights, and now whatever he wanted to tell you there. Merlin has a lot more secrets than you'd like to admit. Arthur told himself. "No. Merlin must have kept these secrets for a reason. I already know about him doubting the knights. That was Morgana." Arthur furrowed his brow, trying to convince himself. He gave up and walking into the meeting.
Taxes were so boring. All Arthur really did was nod his head, give the go ahead and he was done. In a sense it was one of the easiest things he had to do because he had advisers that could do most of the work for him and he pretty much just approved everything. Half the time he didn't even know what he was approving but he couldn't stop thinking about Merlin. So many things he didn't know about his manservant. Merlin was the one person he thought he could trust. He thought he knew him better than anyone, and now…Arthur felt as if he had never met this Merlin. The Merlin lying in Gaius' chambers was a completely different Merlin than he had been privy to all these years.
After the meeting was over, Arthur bumped into Gwen in the hall. The serving girl was carrying a bucket of water, and a fresh rag, no doubt for Merlin.
Gwen blushed when she almost spilled water all over the king "Arthur! I'm so sorry I didn't even see you there." Her eyes were red and puffy from crying. Her nose was stuffy and she sounded congested. Her beautiful brown eyes were looking up into Arthur's and Arthur felt badly for her when a thought hit him. Did she know about Merlin's secrets and if she did why hadn't she told him? They weren't hers to tell, idiot. He reprimanded himself. Of course she wouldn't give them away if Merlin had asked her not to. Or even if he hadn't. "Do you want to come see Merlin? I'm headed to Gaius' chambers. He's awake again and I think he'd probably like to see you." Gwen suggested but kept her head low.
Arthur felt really bad now. Of course he wanted to see Merlin, but then he didn't want to confront him right now. It wouldn't be fair to Merlin. Of course he wanted to talk to him right now but Arthur was too afraid of what he would say or do in front of Merlin, his best friend. But Arthur realized again that Merlin didn't see Arthur as his best friend. "No." Arthur replied. Short and sweet was the saying.
Gwen looked puzzled "Why not?"
Arthur hadn't expected this "Well…I just…" Arthur stammered, trying to think of a reason until he gave up "I don't feel like I know him anymore, or at least I feel as though he's hidden an entire part of him from me. What I don't know is why? I just don't understand. You know I see him as more than a servant? I-"
Gwen interrupted "But have you given him any reason to believe that?" She raised her eyebrows, making her point clear.
Arthur thought about it "Well…I…I um…" Arthur couldn't think of one.
Gwen spoke again "I thought not. Have you ever said thank you? Have you ever once admitted to him what he means to you?"
Arthur protested "I think I would-"
"No." She pointed "I've heard you speaking to him, begging to get better, that you would be lost without him. If you want him to understand then all you have to do is tell him." Gwen relaxed again, her shoulders slumping and her hands returning to her sides.
"He doesn't see it that way." Arthur said softly, almost soft enough that Gwen couldn't even hear him.
"What?"
"He doesn't see us as friends. He didn't think I cared, when I cared about him more than anything in the world, but he doesn't see it that way." Arthur's voice started to crack and he had tears in his eyes. Tears that burned, and threatened to spill over, but Arthur did not want to be seen crying for his servant. He was just a servant, nothing more. If Merlin saw Arthur as nothing more than his master, then why should Arthur see Merlin as anything more than a servant? Because he's Merlin, idiot. And no matter how much you want to get rid of it, you can't throw away your friendship. The little voice in Arthur's mind had started to become quieter, until it screamed at him.
"Arthur, Merlin is your friend-"
Arthur got angry at this. "Then explain the lies Guinevere. Explain the lies and the secrets. Why would he hide things from his friends? If we were truly his friends he would have told us about these things."
Gwen had a look of shock plastered on her face "What lies? What secrets? Merlin doesn't have any. He couldn't keep a secret to save his life!" Gwen chuckled at the thought of Merlin having huge secrets that he kept from everybody.
Arthur sighed "I want to speak with him."
Gwen didn't know if this was good or bad, but he was the king. If he wanted to speak to his servant, he would speak to his servant.
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When Arthur stormed into the physician's chambers, Gaius started to protest but then decided against it. Merlin was healing well and if he used a bit of Magic he would make a full recovery. Gaius didn't like the thought of eavesdropping on whatever the two of them would be discussing so he ushered Gwen out of the room and they went to the kitchens to wait.
Merlin was awake already, and he was expecting Arthur at any moment. He could imagine that he would be hurt and maybe angry at Merlin, but he seemed too angry for the things Merlin could have imagined he said in his sleep or delirium.
Merlin knew what Arthur would ask about first. He only didn't want to answer the questions. He didn't want to talk about it. He wasn't proud of it but Morgana made it so believable.
Arthur didn't know where to start. He knew what he wanted to talk about but how to bring it up. Arthur began "Have I not been a good friend?" Arthur wondered. "I know I insult you and throw things at you but it's just a joke. It's just a bit of fun. We're friends, right?"
Merlin looked taken aback "Well-I-yes. I suppose." He shrugged.
Arthur pointed "That's what I'm talking about! What was that?" Arthur couldn't take it "Why did you think I would leave you to Morgana?" He said the last bit a little more gently, but not by much. He was angry at Merlin, and sad to think about what it must have been like. "Why would you EVER think you're not worth saving?"
The five words that Merlin said next, Arthur would have never imagined to come out of his manservant before this all happened "I am just your servant." Merlin looked at his hands in his lap. He didn't want to look Arthur in the eye. He was afraid that if he did it would all come spilling out. He didn't want to see the hurt that lay there in his friend's eyes. He was afraid that he would say everything about his magic. Merlin was afraid to expose himself. Even with his best friend he couldn't be himself.
Merlin could hear Arthur get up, and noticed his footsteps getting farther and farther apart as he neared the patient's bed. "No. Merlin." Arthur smiled at him. "You're my friend." Arthur thought about it. "My best friend."
Merlin felt a hot tear run down his cheek as he looked up at Arthur and said softly "Thank you, Arthur. I'm sorry for doubting you. Morgana just-she-I couldn't..." Merlin felt more tears rushing down his face.
Arthur smiled back and put a hand on Merlin's shoulder "I understand." They sat in silence for a long time before either spoke. "I would like to know one other thing."
Merlin nodded "What is it?"
Arthur just had to ask "Who's Freya?"
The memory alone caused Merlin to tear up. Freya was his first love and his only love as far as he was concerned. Merlin believed he would never love again after Freya. Merlin got choked up when Arthur said her name. He was gentle but also questioning. He wanted the truth and wasn't one to beat around the bush.
"Freya was…" Merlin cleared his throat and began again "Freya was my first love." A tear spilled down the side of Merlin's face as he continued "She was cursed, so she could not stay in Camelot under your father's rule. We had planned to go away together. We planned to run away to a lake, we were going to live life together and never leave each other's side." Merlin held it in but his bottom lip was still quivering. He was on the brink of sobbing but couldn't do that in front of Arthur.
Arthur frowned "You keep saying 'was'" He furrowed his brow even more, if that was possible "What happened to her?"
Merlin's face contorted in pain"You kill…you um…she die…" Merlin took a deep breath. He didn't know how to tell Arthur that he had killed his one true love. He took another deep breath and just said it. Arthur had a sinking feeling he knew what Merlin was going to say.
Merlin couldn't keep it in any longer. "You killed her." He said with a sob. He gathered himself quickly and continued, ignoring Arthur's gasp. "You saw her as a monster. She was cursed to kill every night. At midnight she would turn into a beautiful beast. She was amazing but you saw her only as a threat. Your father ordered you to kill her, but you didn't protest." Merlin took a few more breaths, making sure he wouldn't burst again "One night she was in the courtyard looking for a victim" Merlin cringed when he said the word 'victim' because he knew that she was cursed, she couldn't help herself, it wasn't her fault, "and you struck a mortal blow. I rode out with her to the lake she told me of. She died in my arms and is now buried there." Merlin finally let the quiet sobs take over. He hung his head, hugging himself with his shoulders shaking up and down to the rhythm of his hitched breathing.
Recognition dawned on Arthur "She was the druid girl. The bounty hunter had caught her and she escaped…"
Merlin nodded "Yes, I helped her escape. She looked so vulnerable and she needed help. I didn't know what the bounty hunter was going to do to her or had done, so I had to help her. To be honest I don't even remember how I got her out." Lie "I just remember leading her to a hiding place. I told her she would be safe there, and she was, but I couldn't keep her safe forever. The curse made her turn and then she would go out. I didn't know at first, but then she told me about that and her magic." Merlin sighed "I knew that if we tried to escape right away she would be caught, and if we tried to escape at night she was afraid of killing me."
Arthur frowned again. One piece of this wasn't making sense. "If she was a druid, then why didn't she escape the bounty hunter using magic?"
Tears streamed down Merlin's face and his voice cracked "Freya thought that…she believed him. She believed the bounty hunter when he said she was a monster. Freya believed him when he told her she didn't belong, when he told her she didn't deserve to be alive. She thought she deserved the beatings and the ridicule. She didn't realize how beautiful she was or how special and amazing she was."
Arthur wasn't sure what to say. Merlin loved this girl-this druid, but Arthur had always been taught to hate magic. He was always taught that it was evil and therefore anyone who had it was, but this girl did not seem evil. She seemed kind and scared of herself and what people would do to her. She didn't even try to escape for goodness' sake! She thought she deserved it. Maybe magic wasn't evil after all. This girl didn't choose this curse; someone cast it on her.
Merlin spoke softly. It was as if he could read Arthur's mind "She didn't choose to be cursed Arthur. Freya would never have chosen something like that. Who would? Who would choose to be evil? It only brings a life of pain and misery."
Arthur needed time to think about this. "Thank you Merlin. I'm sorry that I brought up such a painful memory. Thank you for telling me this." Arthur and Merlin looked at the door when a guard burst in saying that a patrol had been attacked. Arthur cursed under his breath and whispered "Morgana" Arthur looked up at the guard and told him to make sure all the knights were ready. Morgana was coming.
A/N: I hope you enjoyed! I'm not sure how many chapters left, but to be honest I don't think it would go past 15 chapters total. I don't even know if it will get that far. I've decided to bring Morgana back, as you just read, because I think I will make this a reveal fic. Hopefully the next few chapters will be better than the last few. Thanks for reading and reviewing! It only takes a few minutes to review so don't be shy ;) I hope you enjoyed!
