«Yes, No, Maybe»

Chapter 9: The Night We Met


A/N: hey! i'm back. I'm really sorry for the delay, so many things happened and there's no point in talking about them now, haha. ANYWAY, i'm really excited & i wanna remind you all that the next chapter (chapter 10) is the LAST chapter of this fanfic. I'm very emotional and super excited for all of you to react to it. Thank you for always being there supporting the fic, it means the world to me. Don't forget to review this chapter and send me your thoughts, i'm more than happy to answer all your questions now that we are entering in the final arc of the story. Thanks for reading guys!


I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you,
—Lord Huron, The Night We Met

—o—

Death came to Rieko like a shot from behind. One moment she was gazing at the snow through the window, holding Touka's hands and making her promise that she would watch over her son, the next she was gone.

Gone. Forever.

If you were to ask Touka about her first memory of Rieko, the first time she'd seen her with her own eyes… she wouldn't be able to give you an honest answer. She had always been around, she had always been a part of her life, just like her son. Like a foggy illusion from an old dream, like an old song you always knew but never sang. Touka never believed in destiny, but the thought that lives were predestinated seemed less and less irrational as time went by. Because for the way her life had passed, for the moment she was living right now… maybe she was born just to meet her. She was born to fall in love with her son, to love him to the very core, to share his same existence, walk the same path, and eventually part ways.

Because Touka knew, deep inside, that this wouldn't last.

One way or another, it was designed to end, just as life itself.

But she refused to the idea. Just as she refused to accept the news the moment she heard Haise's voice through the phone. The words bathroom and door locked, the sentence Shironeki was the one who found her and he's still in shock, I don't know what to do penetrated deep into her soul, making her hold her breath until she couldn't move anymore. Haise assured her that he was alright, that she shouldn't worry, that he had everything under control and that alone made her feel terribly guilty because the only thing lingering in her mind was Kaneki's name. Kaneki. Kaneki. The news would destroy him in ways she couldn't clearly perceive.

Rieko had always been kind to her. Never asked too many questions, or showed confusion at the news of her engagement with Haise like her own mother did. She always nodded, and smiled weakly, and sobbed in the shadows. Gave her all to raise her children in a world where single mothers were heavily judged, and kept on promising things she felt unable to keep, breaking soft illusions in the process. Breaking sparks of hope.

And now she was gone.

Touka wipes her tears inside the black car, with her black clothes, and her black heart beating fast. She's holding Ken in her arms, sitting next to Haise as Shironeki and Kuroneki remain in the back, with their aunt. Another car follows them from behind, carrying their mother's ashes, and everything is quiet even outside. It's like the whole world is taking a break to say goodbye. She had called her mother soon after receiving the news, crying and asking for forgiveness after having been ignoring her for weeks. Many hours had passed since that, all the calls were made to the right people, most of them Haise's friends from the CCG since he didn't have any other family members apart from his brothers and aunt. All of them waiting now at the funeral home, waiting for those ashes to fly far away.

There's a haunting silence lingering in the car, and Haise hadn't shed a word with her since the phone-call. She stares at him, sideways, evaluating his expression. He's holding his phone in his hands, distant eyes getting lost in his own reflection through the screen. Touka parts her lips for a moment, wanting to ask one more time if he had called Kaneki, which she knows he has, and almost beg him to call him again, and again, and again, because he was not answering. He said his phone was off, and that he desperately left messages into his box hoping that he would return the call as soon as possible, but he hadn't, and many hours had passed from that. Touka also tried to contact him, but it was useless. He was not picking up his phone.

When the car stops and the driver abandons the vehicle to open up the doors for them, Touka can spot the black crowd from inside the funeral home, waiting for them. Haise leaves first, followed by his brothers, and Touka walks out of the car with Ken's hand firmly wrapped around hers, confused and lost, knowing what this journey meant but not understanding the gravity of it, he's still in shock.

The room welcomes them with pale faces and people who rapidly turn to Haise to offer him a palm on the shoulder, a warm hug, a tender touch. Almost everyone is there. Arima, his squad, even the director of the CCG, Marude. But Touka isn't really looking at any of them when her mother appears in the crowd standing next to her father, Touka approaches almost with desperation, hiding her face in the curve of Hikari's neck and wrapping her arms around her waist.

"I'm sorry, Mom," she whispers.

Touka can feel Arata's hands brushing her hair in the process. Hikari doesn't say anything, because in a moment like this there isn't much you can say. Sometimes, silence can be the most accurate answer. The staff from the funeral carry Rieko's ashes to the altar, inside a white urn, and everyone there gathered take a moment to offer their respects, placing flowers on the altar and lighting up some candles. From the distance, Touka looks at Haise. He's serious, nodding when people whisper words of encouragement to him, keeping his little brother Ken real close to him, eyeing the urn from afar but not daring to approach, not daring to take one step and leave a flower himself. In fact, he didn't even bring one, and Touka realized she didn't either, but there are plenty of flowers around to pick and Haise hasn't picked any. Not even one.

With a heavy sigh, watching as her parents lean to the altar, Touka takes advantage of the moment to grab her phone and call Kaneki one more time. Her eyes drift to the old clock hanging on the wall, and her impatience grows when, this time, the call doesn't redirect to his voicemail. The phone is calling him, which means he no longer has it turned off, but she doesn't get any answer from him. He never picks up, and that alone makes Touka even more anxious. She curses, putting the phone away in desperation.

Her eyes drift away to Haise once again, sitting on the floor with his back pressed against the wall and absently staring at Ken walking to the altar alongside Kuroneki, placing a flower in front of their mother's picture and offering a small reverence. Touka blinks, numb, spotting a coffee machine outside the entrance, in the hallway. She approaches slowly, numb, grabbing two cups and waiting for the machine to fill them up, her eyes gaze at the sky through the windows, it's already dark. Her eyes feel swollen and itchy, her hands are cold and she wraps her fingers around the plastic mugs to warm herself up, but it doesn't really help. She holds the cups and enters the room again, heading towards Haise. His eyes meet in her in the middle of the way, and there's no expression in his face. No tears, no swollen eyes, nothing. He's just pale and empty, and motionless. Touka sits by his side, handing him the cup, and he takes it with tender hands. His fingers are warm unlike her own.

"Thanks," he whispers, looking down at the cup.

After a while, he takes a sip, and her eyes study him. This is the first word he speaks to her since they got into the car way to the funeral home. They haven't talked, they haven't… shared any thoughts, any worries, any tears. His mother just died, and they barely had a moment to hug, or hold hands, or even kiss his pain away. The sudden realization makes her want to cry, and a rush of adrenaline forces Touka to lift up her hand and brush his hair away, clear out his face, make him look at her in the eyes.

"Haise…"

"This is all my fault."

No. God, no.

Touka shakes her head, repressing a sob. He doesn't deserve this.

"Haise, that's not — "

"I shouldn't have left," his voice lacks emotion, the back of his head softly hits the wall and stays there, eyes fixed on the ceiling. "Shironeki saw everything… he shouldn't have. I have to protect them, that is my only job, they don't ask anything else from me and I wasn't there. And… you know what the worst part is? That I'm not even sad, Touka, I'm not even sad."

She stares at him, carefully holding her breath. She… should have known… that he would feel this way, but —

"H-Haise — "

"My mother…" he swallows, voice cracking, but he manages to keep it all inside. Touka puts her cup away, touching his arm. "She ruined my life. I loved her, but she ruined me. I hate being here, I just wanna take my brothers away and go home. I want this to be over already."

Touka remains silent, unsure of what to say. The atmosphere grows tense, the voice of Haise's aunt crying out her sister's name on the altar and being comforted by Kuroneki brings shivers down her spine, and makes her want to leave as well. She wants this to be over, too. Her hand reaches out to him, giving it a slight squeeze, and it feels as if it's the only thing she can do.

She licks her lips, releasing a sigh.

"Do you wanna go out for a wa — "

"Kaneki, w-wait!"

The mention of his name pumps in her being, making her forget everything she was about to say. It was like her mind was suddenly washed, her body instantly re-established. She can no longer breathe, she holds the air in her chest real rightly, it's choking her. Touka looks up, for the voice screaming Kaneki's name came from the hallway outside the room, and her body makes an instant move to stand up and finds out that Haise is doing the same. If she looks worried, then she doesn't know what word use for the expression lingering in Haise's face right now. He looks almost scared.

The door of the room slams open widely and a hurried Kaneki makes an appearance that steals everyone's gaze, everyone's words and laments. He almost stumbles when he stops, breathing heavily and looking quite messy, as if he just came off running out of something. The room grows quiet as Kaneki gives one step, pushing Urie and Shirazu out of his way, and the sound of Hide's footsteps follow in the hallway until he reaches the door, exhausted.

"Kane — " Hide stops, giving up the chasing, and his eyes meet Touka in the crowd.

Kaneki doesn't even look at her or at the people surrounding him. His eyes are painfully fixed on the altar, where the ashes of his mother remain on top alongside her picture. Kaneki gasps, a painful gasp, his soul breaking free from his body in a gentle whisper and his aunt moves away when Kaneki gives one heavy step, and another, almost walking like a zombie, and reaches to the altar to fall on his knees, trembling hands reaching out to the urn to finally release his sorrow in a broken sob. He kneels in front of his mother, crouching his head in full surrender and filling the quiet room with his voice.

Touka covers her mouth with the palm of her hand, desperately wanting to reach out to him but she forces herself to stay in her place. The pain of having to hide her feelings makes her so mad, so angry. It's not fair… it's not fair. She never saw him like this, she never saw him broke this way… she never —

"M-Mother…" Kaneki cries, voice cracking with each syllable.

Haise gasps and Touka looks up, and she finds a tear caressing his cheek. The first tear he's released since she saw him, the first sign of brokenness since that first call. He's the first and only person to walk towards Kaneki, the responsibility of being the older brother burning within each corner of his body. He doesn't hesitate to approach, he doesn't hesitate to rest the palm of his hand on his shoulder, to say his name loud and clear.

"Kanek — "

"Let go of me!" Kaneki yells, turning around and rapidly taking Haise by surprise when he raises his fist in the air and slams it right on his brother's cheek. The murmur of the crowd grows with gasps and whispers, and Haise's body crashes onto the ground. His mouth is bleeding, and he looks up at Kaneki completely astonished.

"Haise!" Touka yells, horrified, and runs until she's kneeling by his side, holding his shoulders. She stares at Kaneki, shocked. "Idiot, what are you doing!"

But Kaneki doesn't even pay attention to her presence. All of his attention is now focused on his brother. He points his finger at him, not caring about the opinion of the people around them.

"You… this is all your fault!" Kaneki stumbles with his own feet. Was he… drunk? "I told you she needed help but you didn't give a shit! S-She needed a doctor and… and… you just kept her in that fucking house, gave her all the pills she wanted just to make her happy… just to show off how… great of a big brother you are."

Kuroneki approaches, trying to grab Kaneki's arm and help him calm down, but he pushes him.

"That's not true!" Shironeki intervened from behind Kuroneki, raising his voice, starting to break too. Meanwhile, Haise was speechless. Speechless. "Haise did everything for us! He — "

Kaneki groans, extremely irritated.

"Shut up!" he screams. "I was the one hiding her bottles, throwing away her pills! I was the one who always… I was… but she never… she…"

He stops, breathing raggedly. Haise still remains in shock, lying on the ground and staring at his brother in a way Touka never saw before. Deep inside, she hoped Haise wouldn't believe anything that Kaneki was saying, because, despite the great pain in his heart, it wasn't true. It just wasn't. Sometimes, things were out of control, and Rieko was one of those things. It didn't… matter, how much Kaneki could have tried to do in the past, it wouldn't have changed the fact that Rieko was broken inside, and that her ending was already written in the stars.

She hears Hide's steps approaching from behind, reaching out to Kaneki and placing a hand over his shoulder.

"Kaneki, come on — "

Kaneki shoves his arm away.

"Get off of me," he steps back, taking a brief moment before starting to walk away from the room.

For a moment, only for a second, Touka and Kaneki's eyes meet, but he rapidly looks away as his erratic steps lead him through the hallway, the voice of Kuroneki calling out his name again in hopes that he would return, but he didn't. Touka stands up, rapidly looking at Hide.

"Hide, stay with Haise."

Haise looks up, understanding her intentions when Hide lends him a hand to help him stand.

"Touka, don't — "

But she's already running after Kaneki.

She abandons the room, running through the hallways and way to the streets, leaving the building behind. The cold of the night splashes against her skin like water, making her eyes burn and blink repeatedly. She looks around, finding Kaneki's silhouette clumsily walking in the opposite direction towards a black car, his own, she believes. Touka hurries her steps, trying to keep up with his pace, and just when she's close enough behind him, her hand stretches out in his direction, trying to get a grip of his arm.

"Kaneki! Wait!"

Without caring about the force he employs, Kaneki snatches his arm away, making her stumble.

"Leave me alone," he groans, rapidly turning around to resume his journey.

Touka stays there for a second, blinking in confusion. Something hurts deep in her chest, but she forces her emotions to remain calm. He's just lost his mother… his mother, he's angry, and sad, and broken. This is not about you, she repeats. He's not angry with you. She follows him, stupidly trying to grab his hand and make him turn around, but the touch of her fingers in his cold hand makes him shiver, shiver with rage, and when he finally turns around this time, Touka wishes he wouldn't have.

"Why!" Kaneki screams at her. Touka's body twitches slightly, not expecting that kind of reaction from him even when he told her to leave him alone in a hoarse, annoyed, but quiet voice. "Why him!"

Touka blinks, breathing out the mist of the coldest night Tokyo has faced this season. Her features frown, lost in words that don't make any sense. Him? Touka breathes, not following and trying to approach.

"K-Kane — "

Kaneki gasps, his eyes swollen and red, and the smell of alcohol is more than evident now that his face is close to hers. He had been drinking.

"Of all the people you could have fucked in this damn city, why did have to be him?!"

There was desperation in his eyes. It didn't seem like he was searching for an answer, especially when his confession made Touka froze like a statue. That was… the last thing she was expecting to hear in a moment like this, his mother just died and he was talking about a completely different thing. The realization that maybe both pains were merging into one, that the sorrow of losing his mother reminded him of the sorrow of losing her, that maybe this event was the epitome of all his pain, of all the things he kept inside for years. Because she wasn't his. Touka wasn't his, and would never be. It didn't matter how many times he could bring her to his bed, how many times his lips could seal a promise on her body… Touka would never be fully his. Some people were meant to fall in love with each other, but not meant to be together. Did Rieko's dead remind him of that? Of the constant pain of having to live this life while losing things? Touka swallowed, eyes burning when he delivered one last stare before turning around, ready to leave.

But Touka was so tired of seeing him walk away.

She follows him, trembling hands reaching out for his arm and a broken voice whispering his name.

"Kaneki — "

But he repeats the same thing over again. His arm flies away from her as if her touch is burning him because it does. Her eyes, her voice, the way she looks at him, her touch… is nothing but a curse to him.

Rage grows in his eyes, and that alone breaks her heart into pieces.

"Don't touch me," he speaks clearly, meticulously pronouncing each word so that they remain fresh in her head, unable to erase them. "Don't look at me, don't talk to me… don't make me hate you more than I already do."

Hate… her?

One last glance, one last sharp swallow of his mouth… he turns around, resuming his path, and Touka remains stiff in her place, just like many years ago. The bridge, all over again. Touka wipes a tear from her cheeks, and a fire inside of her forces her body to keep on walking, keep on following him, because that's what she should have done in the past. In the bridge… he was lying. He lied, and she should have known better. She should have followed him, and smack the hell out of him until he would admit the truth, and then now everything could be different. Everything.

Touka runs, this time holding his arm way more firmly so that it wouldn't be that easy for him to let go.

"H-Hey…" Touka pulls on his arm, prompting out a heavy sigh out of him. "Don't… don't do this to me again, come on…"

This time, he seems to give up. Kaneki sighs again, closing his eyes when she makes him turn around completely and her hands find a place on his cheeks. They're hot, and moist, and she realizes she's crying too.

"Do what."

Touka represses a sob, trying to make him look at her.

"You know what I'm talking about," she says, breathing turning irregular. She stares at his face, caressing his cheek. Her lips press together in a thin line. "Leaving me here all alone, thinking that you hate me… because I know you don't. We don't hate each other, we could never do that. I know you're hurt, Kaneki, and I'm here. I want to be with you. You don't need to do this, okay? C-Come on, don't be like this…"

Kaneki's shoulders drop, he's slowly losing his patience, she can see that but doesn't care.

"Stop trying to lecture me all the damn time, you — "

She sniffs when he looks away, and her hands try to capture his face in her hands again. He's slipping out of her hands like water.

"K-Kaneki — "

"You are not my girlfriend, we are nothing," this time, he looks at her. His voice cracks with his last sentence as if the realization of those words completely shatter everything inside of him. Touka sheds tears, and Kaneki realizes that. His face softens for a second, because seeing her cry is something he despises deeply, and yet he's always the first one to prompt tears out of her eyes. He swallows, regaining his composure. "Stop thinking that you have some kind of right over me, why do you keep on — "

Touka forces her ears to not listen. Don't listen, don't listen, don't listen, she holds his face one more time, closer.

"Because I love you, asshole," she speaks, staring at his lips, desperate for him to understand and full of frustration. He stops talking. "I love you."

I love you.

She loves him.

She loves him.

Him.

Touka nods, her lips tremble, brushing his cheek with the pad of her fingers. She loves him, she loves him, she loves him. It's the first time she has the chance to say it. She didn't, the last time, simply because she was scared of his reaction, but now… she can't control her tongue anymore.

"I love you," she repeats, quietly this time. Almost a whisper, almost a thought.

Kaneki swallows, his face spasms with a brief pain. This is the last thing he needed to hear right now, the last thing. It gets harder now, so much harder when he blinks, and a tear escapes his eye, and parts his lips to speak. His throat vibrates with words he doesn't really wanna say, but it's done, anyway. He's an expert at breaking things apart, at ruining everything around him like the damn fool he is.

"Well," he says, raising a brow in a wicked, broken grin when he takes her hands away from his face. "That's too bad."

That's when Touka is empty of words and doesn't have the energy to follow him back when he turns around and gets into his car, the shadow of his being disappearing in the night, the lights of the city swallowing him in. Touka remains quiet, standing in her place, staring at the empty spot he's left, just like eight years ago. He's gone, and she's left behind… again.

Again. Again. Again. Again. Again.

The warmth his face gave to her hands is gone, cold is all there is, all there's left. Her eyes press shut firmly, so firmly that she almost feels dead. The tears keep on falling, and her body falls too until she's sitting on the sidewalk and hiding her ugly crying in the palm of her hand, unable to stop. All that she couldn't cry inside the funeral home was being released right here, in the spot where he left her… again, again, again, aga—

"Touka."

The voice of Hide makes her stop, and look up in confusion. He's standing right beside her, looking impossibly sad, and he doesn't ask questions. He never did. Hide sits by her side, and wraps his arm around her until Touka doesn't have any other choice but to bury her face in the chest of her dear old friend and cry her heart out.

"It's okay, Touka," he says, over and over again, his words being carried by the winds of winter. "It's okay."

It's okay, Touka.

It's okay.

—o—

Touka doesn't know how many hours pass, nor she bothers to grab her phone and find out. Rieko's altar is filled with flowers and candles, and each person present in the room abandons the building with a sad expression and a warm hug for Haise. Touka stares, from the distance and carrying a sleepy Ken in her arms, the way his squad is the last group of people abandoning the funeral home. Everyone had left already, including her parents, but Haise's squad stood with him till the end, and that was something Touka thanked deeply. They all wrapped him in a firm embrace, all at once, and remained in that position for several seconds before giving their last goodbye. Now, it was time to go home.

Home.

Touka didn't even know where that was by now.

They decide that the kids will stay with them for a while since none of them want to return to their mother's house and Haise felt like he couldn't blame them. He carries the urn back to the car, keeping it safe inside a white box and hiding it in the trunk. Haise comes back to her with a serious expression and a small bruise in his lower lip, there where his brother had punched him. He grabs Ken out of her arms to take him to the car, and she slowly follows him, Shironeki walking alongside her.

"I'm so tired," he says in a whisper, closing his eyes when Touka wraps her arm around his shoulders. She had a special affection for him, he reminded her a lot of younger Ayato. "I wanna go to bed."

Touka nods.

"It's okay, we're going home now."

They enter the car in deep silence, the kids in the back, Touka taking the passengers seat. The night looks lonely as Haise starts to drive, not a single soul passing by, not even a miserable shadow. The lights rain upon them, and Touka can't help but look at Haise. He's silent, and the city lights don't reflect in his eyes. He had barely said a word during the funeral, and he wasn't saying anything now. It's not like she's expecting him to, but this is all extremely new to her. His silence. He's never silent, not even in the worst moments, and Touka doesn't know what to say to make him speak, to make him look at her. She sighs, looking around.

"Uh…" she starts, but he's not looking at her. "Can we stop at my shop for a moment before going home? I forgot my purse there."

Haise blinks, rapidly gazing at her.

"W-What?"

Touka takes a moment, uneasy. He's clearly not paying attention.

"My shop," she repeats, softly this time. "Can we stop there before coming home? I left my purse."

"Oh," Haise nods. "Yeah, sure."

He continues to drive, taking a different route way to her shop. The silence continues, and Touka gives up. She rests her head on the window, closing her eyes for a moment and trying to think of something else, something that doesn't have anything to do with all the things Kaneki said hours ago. Where is he? Is he okay? Is he with Hide? He was drunk when he left, took his car… what if something happened? She sighs, grimacing, and the lights of the city vanish once they get into the neighborhoods, once Haise stops the car across the street in front of her shop, and Touka opens her eyes and finds Haise's stare filled with sorrow as he keeps his eyes fixed on the entrance.

There's something at the door of her shop. Something black, sitting on the ground, resting against the door.

Kaneki.

Touka gasps, eyeing through the glass. He's there, Kaneki is there, alone, in front of a closed shop and didn't seem to notice the car parked across the street. Touka swallows, unsure of what to do. If he's here… if he's here that's because he wants… because he needed —

"That's…"

"I know," Haise says, conflicted.

Touka makes a pause, and she knows, above all things, that she can't leave with Haise now. She can't. She can't tell him to keep on driving, she can't walk away from the image lying in front of her eyes, she can't walk away from Kaneki. She can't, and she hates herself for that, but she can't.

She just can't.

Her hands start to tremble.

"Haise," she whispers, licking her lips, unsure of how to start. "I… I have to — "

"Go."

Her eyes drift away from Kaneki and they land on Haise, who's still staring at his brother. His eyes are red, his lips are parted, he looks broken and hopeless.

"H-Haise…"

"Go," he repeats, firmly holding onto the steering wheel. "He… he needs someone who isn't me, or my brothers. He needs a friend, a true friend."

Touka gazes down, feeling a sense of quilt overflow within her. She needs to figure this out, she needs to make a decision, she knows she does. But this is not the moment, or the place or the right circumstances to do so. Haise looks down at her hands, they're trembling. Her shoulders are shivering too. Touka sighs, unable to add anything else because there's nothing else she can say.

"I'll… be home soon," she murmurs, ready to open the door, but Haise stops her midway.

"Can you…" he swallows, takes a moment to think. He looks at his brother. "Can you tell him that I love him, please? Just… just tell him that."

Touka's eyes fall shut, taking a deep breath. God, she hates this. She hates this so much. Her hand rapidly flies to his, squeezing it tightly.

"I will," she whispers, not looking at him, and decides to open up the door without looking back.

Even when the door slams shut, Kaneki doesn't seem to realize what's happening. Haise doesn't wait for her to get to the shop, he starts driving immediately and the car gets lost in the distance. Just as her, not looking back. Touka takes a moment of bravery, if she really has any, and looks up at the sky. It's dark, and hollow, and moonless. Her shoes crunch under her steps, one, two, three, and she's freezing, and can't help but wonder if Kaneki is too. There, right in front of her shop, sitting on the floor for God knows how long.

Her footsteps become clearer and louder when she crosses the street, and this time, Kaneki hears it. Or maybe he just knew, before even looking up at her, that it was Touka the one approaching from afar. Before seeing her pale hair make way through the darkness, or maybe it was her smell. Yeah, he thinks, it must be that. For a moment he thinks he's hallucinating, a prisoner of alcohol and love, for he came here with the desire to see her, with the vague hope that she would appear out of nowhere and come to his presence. And… she was here. It couldn't be real.

Touka stops in front of him, muttering his name in an uncomfortable question. Kaneki? she says, and it's so sweet, so tender the way she pronouns his name, he doesn't think anyone else can do it the way she does. Touka holds her breath when he looks up, almost confused, and keeps staring at her until realizing it's actually her.

"T-Touka-chan…" he mumbles.

Touka holds her breath. He looks so shattered, so damaged, so fucking broken. There's a bruise under his eye, and dried blood on his mouth. What the hell he had been doing? His hair is a mess, and he's not even wearing his black coat, he's only in his plain black shirt, shivering under the cold. His eyes are swollen with tears, all the area around them looks red and irritated. He's a mess… he's such a mess…

And she can't leave him. No matter what he says, no matter what he does… it's not healthy, it's not right, nothing about this is okay, yet she's unable to leave him. Not now, not ever. Touka holds her tears when she leans closer and kneels in front of him, and like two bodies made out of magnet, they fuse together, merge into one. Touka wraps her arms around his neck, Kaneki surrenders before her touch, letting his head fall down against her chest and deeply wrapping his arms around her waist. It's when his forehead meets her skin that he starts to cry.

He cries. Like the child he truly is, he cries on her chest, loudly and shamelessly, in a way he would have never allowed anyone to see, but Touka isn't anyone. Her eyes fall shut, bringing him closer to her body, softly kissing the crown of his head. He never stops crying. "M-Mom…" he agonizes, sinking his fingers deep in her back. "M-Mother…"

Touka sighs, hurting as much as he is, and her fingers brush his hair.

"M-Mom…" he repeats, over and over. "I should have left with her… I could have stopped her…"

"Your mother was sick," she whispers. "There was nothing you could do. It's not your fault, it's not anyone's fault."

His voice breaks in another empty sob, and he continues for several hours until his voice is gone, until his soul abandons his body leaving only a vulnerable man in her arms. He stops crying, keeps his eyes closed and cheek pressed on her chest, and doesn't let go of her. It's freezing, and they're shivering, but they don't make a single move to walk away from each other. She now thinks they can't stay here, so she moves a little, gazing back at the shop.

"Kaneki," his name makes him move away from her, slowly breaking the embrace and probably making him think that that's enough. He sniffs, looking down, wiping his dried tears with the palm of his hand way too roughly, irritating the skin even more. "Why… why don't we go inside? You're freezing, I'll make you a cup of — "

He shakes his head, sniffing again and looking for his jacket on the floor. Once he finds it, he grabs it, and stands up. Touka follows, confused.

"No," he murmurs. "I'm leaving now."

And just like that, he starts walking way to his car, parked a few steps away from the shop. Touka gasps, heavily disoriented and follows him until she stops him, grabbing his arm again. This time, the situation is different. Things are gentler, the sound of their voices, the movements of their bodies. He turns around, facing her, but he's not looking at her face.

"W-What? Don't."

He sighs, he looks tired.

"Go home," he murmurs. "It's late."

Kaneki makes an attempt to move away, but Touka stops him again.

"Kaneki, you've been drinking, I can't let you drive like this," she looks around, grabbing his arm and dragging him with her. "Let me take you home, I'll get a cab, come on."

His numb body doesn't put up a fight. Like a zombie, he follows her, he lets her drag him to a more crowded part of the city until they come across with a cab and Touka calls for it, and the vehicle stops in front of them. She opens the door for him, allowing him the entrance and getting inside after him, firmly closing the door. She talks to the driver, paying him now before they reach their destiny and giving him all the directions.

Once the car starts to move, Kaneki closes his eyes. His head falls on the backseat, briefly staring at the window. Touka does the same, releasing a deep sigh, feeling sick and nervous and everything all at once. The dark engulfs them, the waving of the car makes her feel sleepy and needy for something. Every light outside glows at them like stars fading away in the sky, they pass like shooting stars, landing on her face for then dissolve into scraps of nothing. An old song plays on the radio, a ballad, I had all and then most of you, some and now none of you, Touka turns her head around, resting on the backseat to find Kaneki with his eyes glued on the glass, completely alien to everything. She looks down, finding their hands resting on the seat, too close to each other but none of them make a single move. Their fingers almost grazing.

So close, yet so far away.

So far.

She wishes she wouldn't have to get out of this car. She wishes this trip could last forever, nothing can take her away from him as long as both remain inside this car, it's only a foolish way to keep him with her a little longer, just a little longer. The dancing lights of the night rain upon them until they become nothing, and neither of them say anything to each other in what's left of the trip, their eyes never meet, their words never crash, their hands never touch.

Never.

—o—

It's 3:00 AM when they arrive at his apartment. Touka leads him through the hallways, the elevator, takes the keys to open the door to his flat and they enter in complete silence. The place is dark as hell, and with a bit of struggle, Touka manages to make way through, the soft lights from the windows being her only guidance. Kaneki, very slowly and almost deadly, walks towards his bed until his body crashes on the mattress, releasing a deep sigh and hiding his face under his arm, as if covering his eyesight from the sun. Touka gets rid of a few things in her way and walks towards the bed, taking the sheets to cover him with them. He looks miserable, and pale, and way too tired. Her hand instantly travels to his forehead, taking his arm away so she can feel his temperature, but he seems to be just fine.

Kaneki has his eyes open, fixed on her face, scrutinizing with focus. A tendril of blue hair falls over her forehead and temptation whispers that his hand should lift up and lock it away, slide the pad of his thumb over her lips, and make the slightest attempt to draw her a little closer, just a little, to kiss her. But he's too tired, to spent to even think straight and make incoherent decisions. So he just stares at her, for as long as he can, because he knows she will be gone soon and maybe that's how things should be. Maybe.

Touka thinks she should do something about his bruises, did he get into some kind of fight after he left the funeral home? She adverts his eyes on her, and returns the gesture. Even in the dark, his eyes glow.

"Try to get some sleep now," she whispers, and feels like that's the only thing she can say.

Touka makes an attempt to move. She stands, ready to leave because that's what she has to do, because Kaneki is drunk and confused and part of her is now seriously wondering if all the things he said hours ago are true. He wasn't touching his chin, he was looking at her straight in the eyes the whole time.

However, the feeling of his hand pulling out the sleeve of her jacket makes her stop in her place.

"Stay," he pleads in a whisper. Touka turns around, staring at the way Kaneki's hand slides down from her sleeve to her hand. His fingers are soft, and tender, and warm. "Stay."

Haise is waiting for her, she reminds herself. She told him she should be home soon, but it's 3:00 AM now, and she's still here, and Kaneki is asking her to stay.

Stay.

Touka wants to ask why. Why now. Why after everything he said. Why does he want her to stay? Why does he always say one thing, but ends up doing something completely different? Why. Why. Why.

"Kaneki…"

"Please," he insists, his eyes fall shut. "Don't go."

Her eyes fall shut too.

Like a fool, Touka stays.

She lays down with him, behind him, after taking off her shoes. Her arms keep him close, his back pressed against her chest, and Kaneki holds her hands, bringing them to his chest, to his lips, feeling his breathing caressing her skin over and over again. He falls asleep almost immediately, and Touka remains by his side until she's sure he won't be waking up anytime soon. Even if she wanted, even if her heart begged for it, she couldn't stay, she had to return home.

And she does.

Silently, she walks out of his bed, securing the sheets around them and softly pressing a kiss to his forehead. Touka leaves his apartment with cold hands and a broken heart, and calls for a cab to return home. It's still dark inside, and less cold than before, but she still feels like freezing when the car stops in front of her house and realizes that one of the lights are still on. She takes a small breath, securing her body in a confidence she never owned and opens the door. The first thing she encounters is Haise's silhouette, sitting on the table with a cup of coffee in his hand. He has a book in his hands, the cooking book she'd bought him for Christmas, the one she was planning to give him once he was back, with a kiss and maybe something else, before everything went to hell.

He hears the door being open and looks past his shoulder, Touka's gloomy silhouette slowly approaching and getting rid of her jacket.

"Hey," she greets.

"Hey," it's his response.

Did he stay awake all night?

Touka looks at the book, sighing, and takes a seat. There's a small silence lingering in the air, and Touka isn't sure of what to say. She looks around, thinking that the kids are probably in the other room.

"The kids are asleep?" she asks.

Haise nods.

"Yeah," he makes a pause, lifting up his gaze. "How… how is Kaneki?"

This time, Touka doesn't hold his gaze. She looks down, at her hands, poorly resting on her lap.

"He was really drunk," explains. "I… we stayed in the shop until he was feeling better, after that, I took him home."

"Thank you," Haise rubs his face for a moment, he looks so tired. "Was he… rude to you or, did he say — "

Touka shakes her head, eyes pressing shut.

"No, no. He…" she makes a pause, trying to find the right words. "He's gonna be alright, he just needs time."

Haise nods, gazing down at the book. Touka follows his eyes.

"It's… your Christmas present," she whispers.

Haise gazes down at the pages, nodding softly and offering a sad smirk.

"Thank you," Haise blinks softly, putting the book away. "I… I got you something too."

Haise stands, slowly, and walks towards the couch to pull something out of his suitcase. A red, gift-wrapped paper hiding the gift from her eyes. He approaches, leaning against the table and handing her the present. Touka holds it, there's a slight weight to it, and after delivering one last glance at Haise, him nodding approvingly, Touka gets rid of the paper and holds her breath when she finds a cute, white, bunny-shaped mug. The pink ears poking out at each side, the face of the rabbit smiling at her at the front, with its pink nose and blushy cheeks.

He had bought this just for her.

Touka holds the cup so dearly in her hands. They shake, and her eyes start to water.

"Do you like it?" Haise asks.

Out of the blue, Touka burst into tears.

Haise gasps, not expecting such reaction from her. He approaches, alarmed.

"B-Bunny?"

"I-I'm… I'm sorry," she sobs, holding the cup. It's too beautiful. She doesn't deserve it. "I… I'm just…"

Haise doesn't force her to speak. Touka keeps on crying, and Haise sighs, leaning closer until she's lying her cheek on his stomach and his hands are smoothing her hair and her back, holding her as tight as he can.

"It's okay, baby," he soothes, bending down to kiss her head. "It's alright."

Through the darkness, he holds her. With his arms around her, his smell impregnating in her skin, he never lets her go. And it breaks her, his kindness breaks her because she's not worthy of it, because she knows she has to make a choice and it's in moments like these when she's unsure of what to do, convinced that her final decision will end up by hurting someone, and yet, she has to make it.

It's not alright.

It will never be.