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Chapter 9: Things Weren't Always Easy

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January 1st- June 30th 2037

Mourning is like a shroud that envelops the spirit; hiding the moments of joy that blossom even in the darkest hour. Love, friendship, family, togetherness often times feel wrong when confronted with the loss of someone so beloved in a community. So that it felt awful to rejoice over a fairytale wedding, to cry tears of joy for the long awaited addition to your family, or to bask in the overwhelming glow of all encompassing love. The La Push pack had never dealt with a death of this caliber; they had lost friends, advisors, parents but they had never lost a brother, a son, a hero.

Tragedy hit the Varn family hard and repeatedly, first with the murder/suicide of Christian and Marilyn Varn, leaving behind their daughter, Crystal, and young sons, Jordan and Michael. They were raised well, close and protected in the home of their Grandmother Eileen and Papa Gordon. Gordon left them too, taken by a heart attack when the young Varns were not yet in middle school. Grandmother Varn left them years later, just young adults forced to face the world together. The three of them were a unit, Crystal the steadfast, Jordan the brains and Michael the spirit.

Losing a sibling is like no other loss imaginable, because the bond between siblings is unrivaled. With Crystal's last breath The Brains and The Spirit became one. Over time their family grew again, through Michael's marriage to Anna and the birth of their three children, and finally when Jordan found his match in Mark Uley. Through times of mourning and times of celebration, Michael and Jordan's relationship remained unwavered. So it was appropriate then for Michael and Jordan to suffer this final loss together as siblings; like Levi and Melody would.

Devlin Varn was just thirteen when he walked away from La Push, his family at his side, he would return unmoving; the center of a storm of sorrow. He was too young to die, and for the mothers in town, those who knew him as a polite and cordial boy, it was almost too much to bear. None of them knew how they could ever survive after losing a child in battle and none of them could think of the right thing to say or to do to help Anna during her time of loss.

For the children in town, the teens and preteens, who knew Devlin as a protective, loving and warm hearted guy, it was a shock. None of them ever imagined that one of their numbers could one day disappear. This was something they feared for their own fathers and uncles, who fought and risked their lives as part of their job but none of them could have foreseen losing a peer and among them none were sure how to react.

For the La Push wolves, those who were still healing from the battle, each relived the final hour, the hour in which Devlin was lost, trying to think of ways in which they could have prevented it. At night when Levi's mournful howl haunted their dreams, unsettling and discordant from his unused throat, they were sure it would never leave their mind. None of them could completely soothe the feelings of guilt, though there was not a thing they could have done differently to change it.

Anna and Michael buried their middle child on the 29th of August, just three days after their return, in a small private ceremony outside of La Push, hiding the bright red circular scar that had caused his death. It was a small scar, almost inconspicuous on his body which had been severely bruised, but it was fatal. The venom was in his system, seeping into his bloodstream and stopping his heart before Alice could attempt to suck it out, it was a lost effort. He obtained the wound while leaping to his father's aid, that fact would torture Michael till his final days.

For Randy and Soli, the months after Devlin's death were solemn ones, interspersed with burst of uncontrollable lust and joy. For while they both mourned in their own way, for their own reasons, the insurmountable relief and pleasure of finally being together was hard to quell. It was a bittersweet victory for Randy, he had survived his first battle, protected and served his town and finally won the love of his imprint, but in the process had lost a brother.

Devlin and Randy wouldn't have been described as best friends, Devlin and Levi spent most of their waking hours together, a duo that was hard to break into. Growing up though, just a few years apart, they were close. Randy had learned sign language through Devlin, who did not believe in translating for Levi within the pack. Randy was never fluent but he tried and, for this, Devlin loved him. At school, though a grade apart, Randy, Devlin and Melody would sit together at lunch, Randy provided an adequate substitute for Levi, as he attended school off of the reservation, at a school for the hearing impaired.

Randy was not there when Devlin died, he saw it through the collective mind, miles away with Phil, Brady, his father and Kate, tracking Annabelle. Finding her, hungry, dirty but unharmed was a sad sort of victory, because while he no longer had the crushing fear of losing his best friend, he experienced the multiplied horror and distress of his fellow wolves while he served as a bodyguard for Brady, who held Annabelle tightly in his arms as they made their way back to the rest of the pack.

For Soledad, her mourning was entirely private. She did not cry, not even with Randy, because while she loved Devlin (more than anyone would be able to understand), she did not feel, as an outsider to their community, as though she had the right to grieve. Growing up faster than those around her, Soledad was only Devlin's peer for a short period of time, but she had been a young lady, a beautiful young lady for much longer. Devlin, who was a quiet boy, liked her. She knew this. He was too shy to say anything or follow her as Randy had, but he admired her from afar and Soli played into it. Not in a naughty or inappropriate way but when he was near, she would lean into him, pat his back lovingly and smile, for in the pack, he was one of the few who did not seem to think poorly of her. He saw her as the ultimate fantasy woman, something that made her feel more at ease at family meals and functions, welcome almost.

He was a smart boy, she always liked this about him, and the entirely expressive delight in his eyes whenever she spoke to him. Every birthday she would give him a soft kiss on the cheek and he would sign an appreciative 'thanks'. He did not speak much, though he could, and having the capacity for accelerated acquisition, Soledad learned sign language quickly from observation within the first years of her life. Whenever she did have an opportunity to use it, she always thought of Devlin, not Levi whom most in the pack would associate it with, but Devlin. Also cupcakes, such a benign baked good would forever in her eyes bring forth memories of Devlin, because on his twelfth birthday when Jared made the triplets the Cameron famous three-tiered cupcake birthday cake, he became so distracted by the tight black dress that clung to Soli's body that he fumbled into it, causing the entire top tier to fall to the floor. As a gift to him she made a big show of cleaning it up, leaning and bending in just the right way. She would never repeat the story, no one would understand her logic or reasoning but it was what it was.

With Amber gone again, nursing Solace's injury in Alaska with the Cullen's, Soli kept these memories, this pain to herself, bottled and suppressed. She held Randy as he cried, reasoned with him when he replayed and relived that night, trying desperate to think of a way he could have saved him. She was his crutch as he lost motor functions at the funeral, using all of her strength to get him in her car and back to Claire's house where the wake was being held. At points like tonight, when his need for her and for the comfort only she could provide became apparent, she would lie with him, slowly and soothingly joining her body with his.

"Uhmm," she moaned, her hand trailing down his hard chest as he kissed her. It was a slow burning kind of heat, where her chest would be filled with so much love and lust that her breaths came out in heavy puffs, as if she were trying to dispel the excess.

"I love you," he whispered in her ear moving down to kiss the soft spot behind the lobe, the spot where she spritzed her perfume which smelled nowhere as good as her natural aroma.

"I love you more, Randy," she panted. Running her finger up his spine, she made figure eights on his shoulder blades before repositioning herself. They were naked, entirely unclothed but not joined, she spread her legs wider, pushing him forward and pressing him into her warmth.

"Nnngh," he groaned, clawing at the sheets behind her head. They moved together, a smooth symphony of their moans before she clenched around him, bringing him to a close.

"I want to do this every night for the rest of forever," she vowed in his ear. Losing Devlin, seeing the death she was certain she would never experience in her tiny immortal family, not only hurt her, it terrified her. Death was real and she'd never had to confront it before. Randy, her love, her world, needed to stay with her forever, for longer than forever.

Her face was very serious, it sent shivers down his back. Though he'd dreamt of it for as long as she was alive, he never actually thought he'd heard her say those words. The fire and the sincerity in her eyes left him speechless. He nodded twice, deep nods he hoped conveyed the message that he would have no other life.

She sighed, rolling onto her side and bringing him closer, resting her head on the pillow they shared. Her eyes were no longer fiery, they'd lost the intensity and morphed to this dark clouded appearance they'd been adopting when she thought he wasn't looking. He knew it was her way of mourning, while his mother hissed at the impropriety of her dress and her concerts in the weeks after Devlin's death, Randy knew she needed those. He didn't try to stop her as she lit up the stage, thrashing and screaming; this was her release. He didn't ask her to change or voice concern when she wore a skin tight black number to Devlin's funeral because he knew it was for Devlin, it was her small way of paying homage to him.

"You don't talk about him," Randy said, it was not accusatory as others in the pack would have said it, but an observation.

"I'm sorry," she sighed, hiding her face, he didn't press. He rolled her over pulling her small nightgown off of her nightstand and handing it to her, slipping on his shorts before pulling her in for their book selection of the night. After a few good twirls she landed on The Life and Adventures of Nicholas Nickleby by Charles Dickens.

"It was the same dark place as ever: every room dismal and silent as it was wont to be, and every ghostly article of furniture in its customary place. The iron heart of the grim old clock, undistributed by all the noise without, still beat heavily within its dusty case…" He read soft and clearly against her hair and Soledad, only half listening, fell asleep in his arms, her tiny hand grasping the rim of his shorts as they did every night now, afraid that he might have to leave her again.

The months of mourning pushed back Tara and Phil's wedding. She had not been married before, Tara and her ex Nicholas had their daughters Ava and Chloe out of wedlock and while she had been thrilled, over the moon looking through books and magazines before the coven posed a threat, she couldn't as a mother bring herself to send out invitations during such a terrible time.

During the weeks that Jordan and Mark were out to battle a letter, a small white envelope arrived at their doorstep, with an announcement they had been awaiting for three years: they were going to be parents. Their petition for adoption had been approved, so while Jordan, Michael and Anna tended to the remaining Varn children, trying to make sense of a senseless tragedy, Mark prepared. He mourned, he spent hours thinking of how he could have, as Alpha, done his job differently but it was hard for him to contain the joy he felt at the addition of little Eli. His mother Emily helped redecorate the guest room, making it appropriate for a six-year old, while his brother David, the doting father of two precious little girls, childproofed the cabin, trying hard not to disturb Jordan, now feverish in his writing efforts.

And Annabelle, now back, safe and healthy tried with everything she had to restrain the bursting joy she felt at being home and in love with her Brady. She was just seventeen but those three weeks had cemented a fact in her so strongly that it was difficult to hide: she was lucky. She was the most fortunate, blessed girl in the world and she never wanted to take for granted the blessings she had been bestowed since her birth. One: her imprint Brady, who was in her eyes more than any one man should be. Two: her parents, who had worked tirelessly to spoil her rotten, and three: her siblings, who supported, loved and nurtured her in every way. She was careful. Careful not to flaunt her new love or smile too wide when out of the confines of her room, or Brady's, which she started to frequent after her return, but for Annabelle's mother Kim enough was enough.

Kim knew well the importance of respecting the mourning process, but she also knew when it was time to try returning some bit of normalcy among the pack. So three days before Mark and Jordan were set to bring home their child, she went shopping. She brought along her daughter and her Brady, as he no longer left her side, and together the three of bought enough food to feed their army.

Taylor and Melody were set the task of invitations and side by side, sitting cozily in the living room they made an invitation requesting the presence of every pack member and family to the "Elijah Uley-Varn welcome/ Phil and Tara engagement party." Jared baked, a kind of therapy he needed now that the compulsion to phase again started to play with his senses, making him occasionally jittery and restless.

Maddox and Harley Ateara worked alongside their mother as she set about decorating the Ateara house, where they were to hold the event. Her daughters had inherited their mother's eye for art and with their little brother Addison now toddling at their feet, they decorated paper lanterns that their father hung with care.

Emily, Rachel and Kim worked in the kitchen together as mothers and friends, creating an eclectic menu to please the palette of every expected visitor. Trisha and her daughters were assigned the duty of delivering each handmade invitation, bundling up in their winter's best and handing each envelope with a smile, even going as far as Seattle, where Leah and small her family lived and worked.

Soli received her invitation from the tiny hands of three-year old Samantha who smiled up at her adorably through chubby baby cheeks, and together with Randy, Soli arrived on the Ateara's doorstep with two small presents, one for Eli and one for Tara.

Harley, her little Lee, was the first to greet her, demanding she pick her up though she wore the kind of heels that made it difficult to walk, much less carry seven-year olds. Randy picked her up, so that Soledad could nuzzle the girl lovingly, and to her surprise, Annabelle hugged her soon after Harley became distracted by the appearance of Tara and her daughters.

"You look well," Soli said stiffly, she wasn't sure how to react to this kind of treatment from Annabelle.

"I am," Annabelle nodded, Brady pulled her back to him inhaling her hair loudly before loosening his grip again.

"How's Solace?" Soli asked, searching desperately for topics to keep the conversation going, she was not good with this small talk thing.

"He's walking, it's a little limpy… the damage… Carlisle thinks it's permanent," she whispered, no one talked of that day, not when they were in groups.

When Eli arrived, held snuggly in Jordan's arms, everyone took turns greeting him, he was a natural. Mark and Jordan tried to keep the boy close, afraid he would be overwhelmed in the crowd, but after an hour or so of smiling faces, he demanded to be put on the floor signing wildly and playing with all his new cousins.

Mark and Jordan, though they were stable, secure and more in love than most any family on the waiting lists, were not the first choice for most agencies. Unwanted healthy babies went directly to married heterosexual couples, this was just a fact of the conservative world they lived in. It was after a simple courthouse wedding and through a private agency called All Aid (a secular organization that placed the more 'undesirable' children), that Mark and Jordan were blessed with Eli. Elijah with big brown doe eyes hidden behind thick glasses, and a tousled top of curly brown hair was deaf, and it was Jordan and Mark's ASL fluency that sealed the deal.

Pushing his coke bottle glasses up his nose and weaving through the warm crowd was and would remain one of the best days of Eli's life. He ran back to Mark and Jordan a few times throughout the night, clasping Jordan's big thumb in his little hand but almost immediately he felt at home with a sea of people who he could communicate with freely.

Michael and Anna arrived late, spending over an hour convincing their remaining son Levi to get out of his bed, shower and get into their car. It was harder now to communicate with him, because while he didn't talk much before he now refused to use his hands for anything besides daily hygiene and nutrition purposes. When they made their way to the door, a loud joyous scream from inside made Michael flinch, he was suffering from mild symptoms of posttraumatic stress disorder and Anna, who had been the rock during this family's loss, grabbed his hand, smiling stiffly at him as she pulled him through the door.

The scream was Claire's, as she wrapped her arms tightly around Tara.

"That'll be us someday," Randy whispered into Soli's ear as she watched Tara being passed around the circle, having just announced her pregnancy.

"The babies?" She asked uncertainly, her stomach turning a little from longing as she watched the wolf-girls warmly handle Tara. The children she was sure of, she wanted nothing more than a beautiful little grey eyed boy like Randy, in fact she'd have just about as many babies as they could reasonably afford, but she was pretty certain the announcement would not garner such a loving response.

"All of it," he said confidently, kissing alongside her face, from hair line to jaw.

"I hope so," she sighed, wrapping his arms more snuggly around her.

Levi.

She tried not to stare as he stood in the corner, his eyes glued to the floor so not one aspect of the party affected him. He looked so much like Devlin, identical and it made her heart drop trying hard to avoid the feelings, the sadness that crept into her heart at odd intervals. She very sneakily wiped the corner of her eye where a tear was forming, dragging Randy with her as she congratulated Tara.

"Desserts!" Helen announced happily, as Jared, Kim and Emily brought out mountains of sweets. Soli froze, the crowd around her moved towards it, including Randy, until he saw the rigid lock of Soli's knees.

"What's wrong?" Randy asked doubling back to her, her eyes stayed glued on Jared, on the tall, beautiful arrangement of cupcakes that formed a larger tiered cake like those seen at weddings, the same kind Jared had made for Devlin on his twelfth birthday.

She had not cried, had no expressed her regret, sorrow or heartache in the five months since his death and that cake broke her. Like a glass bottle she cracked and burst, losing all the strength in her limbs her knees unlocked and she was held up only by Randy's big hands. She clutched at her chest and he panicked.

"Soli. Soledad!" But she couldn't hear over her own anguished sobs.

"H—he… th—the—Devlin loved th-those stupid cupcakes!" she wailed and he picked her up, wrapping her arms around his neck and crushing her to his body. He turned to take her away, she would hate for everyone to see her tears but he was stopped. Helen held out her arms for the girl, and after a long stare-down he caved and placed her down so Helen could pull her into a motherly hug.

"I know," Helen whispered in her ear. "I know."

"Let it out," Rachel coaxed, brushing her hair out of her face and pressing herself lightly against Soli's back.

"We're here for you, Soli. You'll be okay," Claire said placing a soft kiss on Soli's cheek which made her cry harder. Randy went to grab her, to hold her and pull her close, he didn't know what to do when she cried, he felt lost.

"We've got her," Emily said, patting him firmly on the chest before she went to Soli's side. "Come on beautiful, let's get some air," she said, coaxing Soli towards the door, and the other wolf-girls, the mothers, the daughter and the sisters followed after.

"He—I—so sweet," Soli managed to choke out after trying to start sentences that hurt too much to finish.

"The sweetest," Tara agreed, brushing her cheek lightly.

"For his birthday we ate that cupcake thing," Soli informed them, trying to give reason for her sudden breakdown but they didn't need it, they understood.

"I remember," Melody whispered, she was leaning on the other side of the long winding porch, holding herself tight. Jessy moved to her side, placing her head on Melody's shoulder.

"I—I didn't mean to ruin a-another party," Soli, recovering from her outburst, was having a difficult time steadying her breath.

"This ain't ruined," Kim snickered as she joined them. She had searched the house for Soli's bag so she could bring Soli her pack of cigarettes and a lighter. While Kim no longer smoked she remembered the need for a cigarette after a good cry.

"Oh God no! Not like when I announced I was pregnant at my parent's anniversary dinner," Trisha said waving away Soli's apology.

"Or when Brady let it slip that Collin had had a vasectomy without my knowledge at Annabelle's third birthday party," Helen piped in.

"Oh, that was bad," Emily agreed with a smile.

"Don't forget Nessie's wedding when Solace and your dad almost killed each other over your mother," Claire added. Soli hadn't heard that story, she hadn't heard any of their stories, but she wanted to.

"My dad caught me and Brady making out at Devlin's 12th birthday party, remember?" Annabelle asked from her spot next to her mom, whom she held tighter nowadays. Soli didn't remember because she had left that party early, ashamed of the looks she got for continuing to date Rex though it hurt Randy so much.

She used the tip of her gold pump to put out her cigarette and smiled, "I missed that one," she joked.

"Well you're not going to miss another one. Come on, we're bringing out the good stuff to celebrate, and it's not a party till someone makes a fool of themselves," Claire said motioning to the door.

"You could probably use a drink," Kim added, putting her arm around her waist as Soli weakly made her way back inside.

"Yeah, that'd be nice."

Randy waited for her by the stairs his hands balled nervously, Levi standing next to him, watched intently as she walked back in.

"Don't—don't scare me like that again," Randy scolded half heartedly as the girls filed in behind her.

"I'm sorry," she said kissing his cheek softly.

'I'm sorry' she signed to Levi who still watched her in silence.

'I understand' he responded stoically. It was the first time he'd communicated to anyone since Devlin's death.