Shades of Gray


Chapter Nine

For the first week after arriving back from the capitol it was Itachi's job to check in on Hikari at the hospital to see how she was healing. It was also to make sure she didn't escape because Hikari was on the list of "I can move I can bail" shinobi that the hospital put a watch on. Hikari didn't leave the hospital until she was declared fit by the doctor, almost three weeks after she was checked in. She just sat in her bed in silence, ignoring any and all questions after giving her statement to the ANBU.

Following her release, Hikari had noticeably changed. She was no longer that bright happy girl that the villagers looked forward to seeing in the market. She stopped visiting the park and playing with the children, she stopped doing her odd training methods like skipping to practice backwards or wearing a blindfold during meals, but most noticeably she stopped smiling. It was like her smile was sealed away behind a permanent frown and with that missing smile went a bright ray of light that Konoha had always loved and enjoyed.

The Hokage was becoming concerned. It wasn't unusual for a shinobi to crack under the pressure and guilt of their first kill but will the added stress of revenge following that kill so closely, Hikari's mental state was becoming dangerously close to unstable. To give her time to heal, he'd taken her team off of active duty and all but ordered them to spend time together. It showed just how dire Hikari's situation was when Mimura didn't complain. Everyone knew how badly he wanted his team to pass the next Chuunin Exam.

Months passed, taking the summer exam (held in the Rock Village) along for the ride. Hikari couldn't care less. She was in a permanent haze, constantly reliving Makoto and Shishini's deaths again and again and again. She hardly ate, hardly slept, she was withering away into nothing.

"You're pathetic," a young, familiar voice said the tone drenched in distain. "I can't believe I actually looked up to you."

Hikari glanced up, not really affected by the words but curious about the owner. It was Sasuke. She was so startled that she nearly fell out of the park swing she was on. Had he really just said those cruel things?

"What?" Hikari croaked. Her voice was sore and scratchy from months of disuse and she touched her fingers to her neck in surprise. Had it really been so long since she'd last spoken.

"I said you're pathetic!" Sasuke screamed into the still night and Hikari's eyes went wide. "Sitting here moping like you're the only one that matters. You think you're the only one that's killed people? That's had someone come after you for revenge? Think again! Some ninja you are. I can't believe you ever passed the genin exam."

"I passed that exam fair and square," Hikari said, not quite angry but definitely upset. "And who are you to talk? You're still stuck in the academy and you're already seven."

Sasuke waved a dismissive hand. "I stay where I am because I want to. I could move on any time."

Hikari snorted a dull laugh and kicked off into a steady swinging motion. "Please."

"You laugh but I guarantee that if you could pass as a ninja then so can I. It's no wonder that Makoto guy passed either, weak as he was you're even worse."

"Don't you dare talking to me about Makoto," Hikari hissed as she came to an abrupt stop; shooting Sasuke the most deadly glare she could manage. "Because you have no idea what you're talking about."

Sasuke barely suppressed his flinch before boldly pushing on. Despite herself, Hikari was almost impressed. "Everyone knows about Makoto and you. It's not exactly hard to find out."

"You don't know anything," Hikari insisted. She stood from the swing and turned her back to the young boy. "Get home Sasuke. It's late."

"What? No Sasuke-kun? Chan?"

"Go home."

"No." Sasuke said and Hikari turned, her deadly glare still in place.

"What?"

"I said no." Sasuke smirked and dropped into a low fighting stance, one she'd seen Itachi take a thousand times. And suddenly it wasn't Sasuke she was facing, it was Itachi. "You want me to go home? Try and make me."

He was wearing that smirk that said she'd never manage. He was stronger than her, faster than her, better than her in every way.

"Well? Dobe?"

Hikari screamed and lunged. She fought like an animal—scratching and biting like something possessed—but nothing fazed him. He blocked her every attack with that condescending smirk that only made Hikari even angrier. Her body screamed in pain from her lack of training but she pushed passed it and kept fighting. She was wearing down fast from her feral form of combat and Itachi pressed his advantage.

"Is this all you've got? No wonder you washed out."

"I didn't wash out you jackass!" Hikari screeched, swiping at him with an open hand chop. He ducked but her hand caught the end of his ponytail and sliced it off. Itachi spun away and touched his hair. It now only fell to the bottom of his shoulder blades rather than to the middle of his back. Hikari smirked and held up her hand like a sword, the chakra glittering on the edge like a blade in the moonlight.

"How's that for washed out?"

Itachi flipped his ponytail back over his shoulder with a smirk. He was clearly amused. Hikari frowned. Why wasn't he angry? But she didn't have time to ponder that question because he suddenly disappeared and Hikari was back on the defensive. His chakra was well suppressed as he struck at her back, only the predictableness of the move saved her from a hard blow to the head. She caught his punch a bit awkwardly with her bare palm, not having enough time to summon chakra, and winced. He'd gotten much stronger since the last time they sparred.

"So slow," Itachi said, his voice beginning to warp and Hikari stared in shock as his figure blurred, shrank, and morphed into the familiar form of her little sister. "How pathetic. How could I ever think you could protect me?"

"S-Sakura!" Hikari exclaimed, jerking backwards and stumbling several feet. She fell onto her bottom but didn't notice. Even if she did she was too shocked to care. "Wh-what—how—why are you here?"

"Who, what, when, where, how." Sakura mocked. "How scary you are!" She crossed her pale arms over her tiny chest and gave her sister a cruel smirk. Hikari was beside herself with worry, anger, and confusion. What on earth had happened to her sweet baby sister.

"What's the matter nee-chan?" Sakura asked. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

"W-who are you?" Hikari stuttered, slowly standing and lifting her fists into a halfhearted stance. "What have you done with Sakura?"

Sakura laughed cruelly. "Pathetic, weak, and dumb!" she crowed. "No wonder Itachi-nii-chan calls you dobe!"

"Who are you!" Hikari roared, tears pricking her eyes. She tried to shove the sensation away but they kept coming back. Was this what her sister really thought? Is it what Sasuke really thought? Itachi?

Sakura's figure blurred and grew until she took on the shape of Kairi. "What a stupid question. Who do I look like?"

"K-Kairi?"

"Pathetic little girl." Kairi sneered.

"S-stop it."

Kairi morphed into Iruka. "Pathetic."

"Stop it…"

Hokage-sama. "Pathetic."

"Stop it."

Her parents. "Pathetic."

"Stop it!"

Kyo. "Pathetic."

And the cycle continued. Again and again. Sasuke, Itachi, Sakura, Kairi, Iruka, her parents, Kyo. And again.

"Pathetic." They said, over and over. "Pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic." Until their voices blended into one. Their eyes were cruel, mocking, accusing. And with each word Hikari shrunk further and further in on herself.

"Stop it." She begged. "Stop it."

"Pathetic." The continued.

"I said stop!" Hikari screamed and the voices fell silent. She dropped to her knees with a whimper and pressed her hands to her ears in an attempt to drown out the hallow echo that was branded into her mind. Tears tracked painfully down her cheeks, like liquid fire burning into her skin. Her shoulders shook with wracking sobs as she whispered 'please stop' over and over and over.

"Hikari."

She gasped, but didn't look up. Tears still fell from her now wide eyes but she didn't move to wipe them away. She didn't even move to breathe. It was different from what she remembered, but Hikari still knew that voice. She knew it like she knew her own. Like she knew all of the voices that tormented her only seconds before.

"Hikari." The voice said again and she began to tremble. Not from anger or sorrow, but from fear. There was a soft touch on the back of her head and she flinched. "Won't you look at me?"

Hikari shook her head fervently and sealed her wide eyes shut. She wouldn't look. She couldn't look. She couldn't bear to see his eyes accuse her the way Itachi's had done. Cowardly as it was, she couldn't face the guilt she bore for his death. The guilt she bore for killing him.

He was silent for a moment, as if listening for something, and then he chuckled. A low sad chuckle that Hikari had never heard. She almost looked up, but stopped herself in time.

"You silly little girl." He said and his hands reached gently under her arms to pull her carefully to her feet. "It wasn't your fault."

"It was," Hikari insisted, her eyes still tightly shut. "I know it was. I killed you. I know I did."

"You didn't."

"I did."

"Hikari." The voice was stern now and Hikari flinched. He sighed, his hand coming up to cradle her chin. "Please look at me."

She didn't want to, but his voice was so soft, so caring. There were several long seconds of silence but she eventually gave in. Her eyes opened slowly, cautiously. They were itchy and wet from her tears and she had to squint for just a moment as her eyes adjusted to the light of the streetlamp that hung over their heads. And then she saw him, and she gasped.

"Y-Y-Yotaro…" She whispered and he gave her a sad, loving smile.

"In the flesh."

"But…how?"

"I never really died Hikari. I can never really die." Yotaro wiped his thumb under her left eye and it came away wet. She didn't even realize that she'd begun crying again.

"I…I don't understand…"

"As long as you remember me, Hikari, I'll never really be gone. I'll always be with you. No matter what happens or where you go, I'll never leave you alone."

"B-but…" she hiccupped and then coughed before scrubbing her eyes with her sleeve. "But I need you here. Itachi needs you. We can't be a team without you. You're our big brother and you hold the three of us together. Without you, Itachi and I can't do anything. We can't be anything."

"Foolish little sister." Yotaro laughed, poking her forehead like Itachi used to do all those years ago. "You've already become everything you wanted."

"Th-that's not true. I can't do anything right. I'm weak and pathetic. Everyone says so. I can't be a ninja, Yotaro. I'm just not fit for it."

"You are weak." Yotaro agreed. "And you are pathetic."

Hikari's eyes grew wide and more tears built up. She tried to pull away, to escape, but he pulled her into a tight hug and she couldn't move.

"But you can move passed that Hikari."

"Wh-wha—?"

"You're brave and spunky and you bring light to everyone you meet. You're determined and work hard and never let anyone keep you down for long. Didn't you once say that being depressed was depressing?" He asked and Hikari's lips twitched into a small smile. "You might be weak right now, but you can always get stronger. You might be pathetic right now, but that's only because you're holding yourself back. Makoto was evil and he needed to die, but you didn't kill him in cold blood. It was your duty. Shishini was insane and blamed you for Makoto's death, but he's always hated you, remember? Killing Makoto was just the reason he needed to strike."

Yotaro's words were making sense, but there was still guilt that lingered in her heart. The guilt that started her fear of killing and death. As though sensing her thoughts, Yotaro held her tighter.

"I don't blame you for my death," he said, "and neither does Itachi. So move passed it. Get stronger. Go back to being that spunky girl that I know and love."

Hikari was silent for a long moment before her arms snaked up and wrapped tightly around Yotaro's waist. He stiffened for only a moment before relaxing again and Hikari rested her head on his chest.

"Thanks Yotaro." She said softly. "You'll never know how much it means to know that."

"You're welcome," Yotaro said. "My foolish little sister."

Hikari giggled. "I love you big brother."

There was a slight shift of Yotaro's arms and chest and Hikari looked up in confusion. Blood red eyes with pupils like shuriken bore deep into her soft green irises. Hikari stiffened up, like her body was wrapped tightly in ropes, and stood frozen in Itachi's gentle arms.

"I love you too," he said and then her eyes rolled back and she fell into unconsciousness.

XXXXXXXXXX

Itachi paused for several moments, making sure Hikari was asleep, before he lifted her into his arms. He nearly stumbled from her weight, exhausted from using his Sharingan for so long, and lowered them both to the ground so he wouldn't drop her. He took several deep, slow breaths before pulling her limp body across his back and standing with some effort.

He had never weaved such a complex genjutsu before and at first was rather wary about using it on Hikari. However, after almost two months of her mounting depression Itachi realized he had no choice. It was a risk, yes, but the risk of damaging her mind wasn't anywhere near as indefinite as the risk of her dying if left alone. Fortunately the jutsu went just as it should and Hikari would be fine.

Sneaking into her room was easy as always and he hesitated about leaving her as she was. He wanted her to wake up thinking the night before was a dream but she was still wearing her day clothes…

Itachi blushed at the thought and roughly pushed it away. He would not change her clothes. She was only eleven, and thus technically had the figure of a boy, but she was quite obviously not a boy. And he would never violate her trust like that. Still, leaving her like this would certainly make her question the experience.

He looked around her room and spotted a dog-eared novel on her desk. He snatched it up and flipped it open. The Tale of Genji. His eyebrow went up in surprise. It was hardly the type of book he would expect flighty Hikari to read. He was actually kind of impressed.

Hikari stirred in her sleep and Itachi froze. She quickly settled back down and Itachi relaxed. He opened the novel to the marked page and smoothed out the bend. He didn't understand how anyone could deface a book in such a way, but it was certainly a Hikari-like thing to do.

Adjusting her limbs so it looked like she drifted off while reading, Itachi slipped the book, face down, under the open palm of her right hand. He pulled a wool lap blanket over her so she wouldn't get cold and turned on the small reading lamp by her bed. Moving back, Itachi nodded in satisfaction before he stepped back, hesitated for only a moment, and then melted into the shadows.

He refused to think about anything as he roof-hopped home at full speed. He made it back in record time.


Kaliea: Hello everyone. Sorry it's taken me sooooo long but I've been really busy. School last semester was crazy and since May I've been traveling with my mom on business. I'm also in the middle of writing my second novel and my goal is to have it done before I start school again in August. We'll see how that turns out. Anyway, I hope this chapter wasn't to disappointing. It was kind of filler but I wanted to get Hikari back to normal before she and her team entered the winter Chuunin Exam. Which should be the next chapter, but no promises. Anyway, I'll try and update faster next time (again, no promises) and I have a special thanks to all of you that have stayed with me for so long. I couldn't have done it without you.