Disclaimer: I do not own Batman or any characters created by Bob Kane or Chuck Dixon. This story is based off the trilogy by Christopher Nolan with tidbits of the comics laced in.
A/N: Thank you all for the reviews from the last chapter! I'm glad it was enjoyed so much. Comparatively, this is a shorter chapter, but I hope you like it just the same.
Pilar
The fog rolled in. Thick and gray. He was sitting on the steps, waiting for her. She could see the crackled, blackened flesh on his face and hands as he pressed his lips against his laced fingers. She sat beside him. In the same spot she had sat so many times during her childhood. A time when she looked to him for all the answers, and he seemingly had them all. The nostalgia ran deep and caused a deep ache in her chest. Her father looked at her then. Dark brown eyes, so much like her own, watered with sadness.
"My poor girl." he said in a soft voice.
She thought about the girl. Drained of blood and missing a heart. She thought about hanging by her own neck, vision blackening as death came for her. It made something unidentifiable churn in her gut. She wanted to be held and feel safe. At the same time, she never wanted another living person to touch her again, because that was all she would ever see when she closed her eyes. She would never be the same again. So selfish of a human, to take away peoples' lives, tear away their futures, and shatter their sense of being. She felt no kindness. No sympathy. No mercy. There was only cold hatred.
"I killed that man." she said in a monotonous tone.
Her father frowned before looking back at his laced fingers.
"Yes." he acknowledged quietly.
She licked her lips, tentatively thinking about what she was about to say. "He wasn't the one… I wanted to… All I could think about was how I wished Dorcha was still alive. I wanted to be the one to kill him."
"I know."
She could feel his disappointment. Tangible in the air around them. Heavy upon her. Burdening her.
"Say something." she gently pleaded. "Say something, like how you use to when I was a kid. Something that will make me feel like everything is all right, even though it isn't."
He unlaced his fingers and peered at her own hands. A despairing look came over his face as he did so. She knew he wanted to reach out to her. Hold her hand. Be her father. Comfort her. But he couldn't touch her. She was alive and he was gone. Not real. Even in dreams.
"There is nothing I can say that can pull a veil over your head to make things better. You have to let go of your anger. You have to practice forgiveness, even to those you may think do not deserve it. Your fears, your hatred and your anger… All of it. They are leading you down the wrong path. You could do so much good if you would allow yourself to."
"I don't understand. I don't understand." she mumbled miserably. "What if you're wrong? Maybe this is who I really am. Maybe I'm not really good. Maybe I'm not as ruthless and cold hearted as others. The ones I've hurt, they're in my nightmares and I hate it… But I wanted Dorcha to die. You use to tell me that all life is sacred… and I believed you! It's a lie. What that man did to those women, what he did to me… There was nothing sacred about his life. He deserved worse than that quick death. He deserved pain. After what he did to me, your only daughter, you tell me to practice forgiveness? To have compassion for him? Would you tell me he did not deserve to die because his life was sacred?" she snarled.
"I ask you to exercise forgiveness so that you can save yourself. That man's suffering has only just begun now that he's left his mortal shell." her father insisted.
"So he does not deserve condemnation while on Earth? People like him should be allowed to walk around, experience life, while they irreparably damage the lives of others? There's no good in that. There's no justice in that." she replied in a disgusted tone. "I think Bane's right. The world is rotting. Maybe-"
"Pilar, listen to me." her father cut across her. He unlaced his fingers and looked desperately into her eyes, "He's an evil man. He's cruel and false and will merely lead you to your death. Please, listen to me, and do not trust him."
Anger stewed in her stomach. Denial created a knot in her throat. She knew Bane was a bad man. He killed and tortured without any trace humanity. Men and women alike. But was he evil?
She thought of the moments when he touched her hands and face. His hands were always warm. Weren't monsters supposed to be cold shells? She thought of the moment when he embraced her when there was no one else left in the world who would. He told her she had a good heart. He told her she was capable of great things.
In that moment, she felt resentment towards her father. Irritated that he insulted Bane. How could such a bad man, make her feel like she belonged so well?
Bane, her tormentor. Bane, her incarcerator. Bane, her mentor.
"Don't let your anger consume you. It will only lead you to some place terrible. If only you could just let go-"
"How can I not be angry?!" she shouted. "You don't understand! I'm alone! I have no one! It's all about to go up in smoke. Everything! Gotham is just going to be a pile of concrete within a month. Everyone's going to die. I can't do anything about it! Nothing! But you know what? I don't even care anymore because most of them deserve it." she sobbed.
Her misery and pain of aimlessness left her with hatred. Boiling antipathy; something so powerful she wished it would take hold of her forever. So she may never again feel miserable, lost, or empty. It is easier to be angry than it is to be sad.
She clenched her teeth at her father, "I don't want to let go of it." she hissed.
Her father looked hurt and lost. Unable to say anything and unable to physically touch her. She loved him. She knew she loved him, but she couldn't help but also feel resent. Bitter that he was gone. That he had left her all alone, whether he meant to or not. Resentful that he was telling her to be a good person, even in the face of ultimate destruction. But she had no desire to do so any longer. Resentful that he wanted her to push away from the single figure that has taken away her loneliness. She couldn't. She wouldn't. She was too afraid.
"I don't want to see you again." she muttered.
Her father blinked at her and rubbed his mouth before standing and walking down the steps. He turned slowly and looked up at her, hands in his pant pockets. She could see the darkness rolling in from the distance. She twisted her torso and looked up at the door behind her. The door to her old house. It was fading, no longer appearing solid or tangible. As it fluttered away into a gray smoke, she felt the sudden chill of fear. She knew what it meant.
She could never return back home.
"Pilar." he father gently called her.
She looked back down at him, just as the darkness was slithering over his shoes and up his legs. He smiled sadly at her. His last smile at her.
"I'm sorry. For everything. I love you, little Pilar."
The darkness was at his throat and she was suddenly filled with anxiety and regret. She stood up from the steps, wishing to go with him.
"Dad?"
She woke up with a single gasp. Felt the coldness in the jail bite at her bare feet that peeked out from the blanket. She blinked and felt the wetness around her eyes. She had been crying during her sleep. The lingering feelings of panic and anxiety were still with her. Did she really want her father to never visit her again? Or was she simply pushing away the good things in her life and burying herself deeper in something terrible?
She breathed heavily. Fuming to be back in reality. She wished she could dream all the time and never be awake. Reality meant horror. Reality meant eminent death. She thought about Gotham and she thought about Bane.
She felt so angry. It burned her chest. Tightened her stomach into a knot. Made her feel sick. Pure, brimming to the top. Rage and frustration. A desperation and hopelessness that life as she knew it was out of her control and there was nothing… nothing that she could do about it.
"What were you dreaming about?"
She shot up and saw Bane standing at the foot of his cot. He was dressed in his army pants and a thick, long-sleeved shirt rolled up part way on his forearms. He gazed intently at her, his hazel eyes watching her as she sat up and pushed her back against the wall.
"A normal dream, I think, at first… I don't remember what it was about though. Then it was…" she trailed off and pursed her lips.
A part of her did not want to reveal that she saw her father in her dreams. That was a secret part of her. Something she held dear. Even Bane, who knew her so well, she couldn't let him have this piece of her. This little string connecting her to the past. Not anymore, she thought angrily. I told my dad to never come back. I severed that string.
"Did you have nightmares about what happened in Arkham?" his voice surprised her. It was low and gentle. Careful to bring up something awful.
It only caused her to grab her legs to her chest and look away from him. Mentioning Arkham made her remember it, creating a wave of nausea in her. She noticed she still had blood on her hands and jumpsuit. Dark brown and crusted blood.
"No!" she choked. She hid her hands underneath her armpits.
"No, it wasn't a nightmare." she restated in a more calm tone. "It was more like… a goodbye."
She could feel his eyes boring into her as she looked away towards the sink in his cell. His stare was making her uncomfortable. He was looking through her. Disassembling her vague explanation. Calculating her words and taking them apart inside of his sharp mind.
"What time is it?" she asked offhandedly, trying to put his thoughts off track.
"Three in the afternoon."
She looked at him in confusion. In the months of being his captive and disciple, he had never allowed her to sleep so late. No matter the circumstances. Even if she was bleeding and swelled with bruises, they kept to their strict itinerary. Furthermore, during three o'clock, it would be right after lunch and that would be the hour when Bane would convene with Barsad. Yet, Bane was not out and about doing his duties. He was standing in his cell watching her sleep.
"How long have you been in here with me?" she tentatively questioned.
He had left his spot, "All night." he responded as he leaned down to pull the portable stove top out from under the cot. She watched as he began preparing some simple noodles. "And all day." he added.
She leered at him, watching as he boiled the water. Taking in every one of his casual movements.
"You'd rather watch over me… than go about your usual routine?" she asked in bafflement.
He tilted his head as he paused to stare at her, "As always, your observation skills are exceptional." he drawled sarcastically. "In case you may have forgotten, you requested me to guard you while you slept."
As she watched him, she thought about the things she had said the night prior. The knowledge that she spilled out so many raw truths to him made her face grow hot. As well as remembering that she kissed him on the mask. Things were different now that so many things could not be unsaid. As he let the noodles cool and pulled out a water bottle from his own personal crate, she thought he even looked different too. Different than the man she first saw in the court room. He was less sinister now. Less of an abstract tyrant. More human; a mortal body with flesh, blood, and muscle. A man who knew her better than any friend had. A man who protected her more than her brothers ever did. A monster who had hugged her and comforted her.
She could not help but feel like the world had truly turned upside down.
Bane
When he handed her the steaming noodles and the bottle of water, she immediately popped the cap off the water and downed half its contents. It dribbled out of the corner of her mouth and down her chin. A sigh escaping her as she quenched her thirst. He had neglected to think of the last time she had water. He felt guilty for not providing some the night prior. He watched as she then stared down at the bowl in her lap.
"Eat." Bane ordered.
She frowned and blinked, but did not touch it. Instead, her dark eyes darted up to meet his in a pensive stare. She stared at him as if he was some sort of difficult puzzle.
"What's going to happen now?" she questioned.
"The food will move down your intestinal tracks where it will be digested." he drawled in a jest.
Her eyes lacked any sort of amusement. His eyebrow raised itself at her surliness. He motioned for her to explain herself further.
"Are you going to leave me here to die?" she reiterated.
Bane stood to his full height. Gently exhaled and crossed his arms as he observed her. Her jaw was tight with nerves, but her stare was bold and demanding. She made a tense swallow as she waited in his silence.
"No." he answered calmly.
Her face did not change, but he could see the slightest of shifts behind her eyes. A light of relief sparking beneath her dark stare.
"You… want me then? To be with you?"
He frowned at her then. The expression hidden by his mask but most definitely translated in his stare. She was growing attached to him in an inappropriate way, that was sure. Putting her lips against his mask was the boldest she had ever been and, truth be told, it caught him by surprise. He would catch her staring at him every now and again. Her eyes would be dark and calculating. At the time, he thought she was just watching him for weaknesses, waiting for the day she could cut his throat. Now, he began to realize she may had been staring for another purpose all together. Whether she realized it or not.
"I would not choose those particular words." he said sternly.
The girl looked away, blinking irritatedly, and licked her lips. She was trying to hide her embarrassment, but he could see through it.
Bane could not lie to himself that he also looked at her sometimes. Such as last night, when the jacket hiked up to expose her backside. Other moments were just the same. Just as fleeting. He would immediately look away and be disgruntled with himself. She was just a girl after all, and he was… a man who was capable of committing horrible acts. Such a man shouldn't sully a girl in that way.
She looked back at him. Her cheeks a shade darker but her eyes cast the same rigid stare.
"You can't stop the bomb?" she asked solemnly.
"I cannot stop the bomb." he replied in an unapologetic tone.
She looked to the side and a long, shuddering breath escaped her. He could see it in her eyes; she was thinking about the countless innocent lives that will be lost. She was thinking about the desolation of her home. She was thinking about the destruction of everything that held her to the past. He observed as she closed her eyes tight, barring away her sympathies. Attempting to replace them with indifference.
"How are we going to get out of the city? Where are we going to go? What are we-"
Before she continue rambling, Bane held up a hand to silence her. Her mouth shut itself immediately.
"You're going to eat. You're going to shower. I'm going to rewrap your foot. Then, you may bombard me with your chirping."
He could hear her cursing behind him as she stepped into the cold stream. He listened to the sound of the water as it diverged around her body, hitting the ground at different intervals as she cleaned away the blood, grime, and vomit. His hand clasped the opposite elbow as his other hand stroked his mask in a pensive manner. He used this time to reflect on the words she had spoken to him the night prior. The ramblings of a desperate and lost girl. She had clutched to him, announced that she would follow him anywhere. In other words, claiming to be his.
His mind was cast into multiple parts. Stunned by her compassion towards him. A bit elated as well. But also surly and bitter. He was angry that she would resign herself to following around a murderous man. Suiting the very title she had been given. Little dog. Sadly following its master no matter what circumstance. As much as he wanted to save her life from the fire, he wanted her to have a meaningful life as well. Not like the heinous inhabitants of Gotham City, who deserved every bit of misery that they were now being dealt. She deserved much more.
He could take her through initiation but what good would it bring into her life? She was not capable of doing the things he did. With all of her boldness, cold stares, and promises of revenge and carnage… she only had a soft heart. She would lose it bit by bit with every atrocity she would have to commit by working alongside him. She would become even worse than Talia.
Talia was steel. Proving unbreakable. Her life crafted her steel into something sharp and deadly. The girl was cold, black iron; just like her eyes. Strong but, indeed, breakable. The girl would not do well as a mercenary.
It disheartened him to realize this.
"Bane?"
He blinked away his thoughts and turned to see her standing in the middle of the shower room with a towel wrapped around her. She stood carefully on her injured foot, but he could see the wrapping coming undone from being in the water. The girl looked down at it as well.
"Do you mind changing it now?"
His eyebrows formed into harsh ridges as he eyed her warily in the towel. She shifted uncomfortably under his stare.
"Maybe you should let me get dressed first." she offered.
Glad to oblige, he slid a cardboard box over to her with a swift kick. While she had been eating earlier, he had gone to retrieve more inmate clothing. There was still no where in the prison he could get women's undergarments. For that he would have to go into the city and look for stores that still had some left after all the looting. That was, most definitely, something he would not stoop to do. The clothes he had gotten her weren't the cleanest, but they would serve their purpose all the same. A jumpsuit and some large socks along with the boots she stole off of Manno's dead body. He crossed his arms and turned his back on her once again as she began to change.
There was a short few moments of rustling fabric, her complaining that this jumpsuit had buttons instead of a zipper, and then silence. He waited patiently for her to give clearance for him to turn back around but nothing came.
"Girl?" he asked cautiously.
No answer. Bothered, he turned around to see what was wrong. The girl was standing in front of the far wall. Looking into the mirror that the men would use when shaving. He saw her touching her face and neck. Her onyx eyes tracing every bruise and cut.
"This is the first time I've been able to see my reflection since I was back in my own house." she realized in a painful voice.
What she saw obviously didn't make her happy. Her eyes had grown glassy as she stared at herself. The cuts and bruises. Most especially, the dark marks around her neck. A reminder of a gruesome nightmare. He could see a profound misery growing within her. She turned away from the mirror, opting to look over at him instead. Her frown disappeared and gave way to her gap-toothed grin.
"I'm much more muscular than I remember." but her eyes were dark and lacked any joy.
He regarded her with a blank stare, but on the inside he felt angry. At whom or what, he could not tell. He beckoned her over so he may rewrap her dressings.
Pilar
Once clean from blood and bile, Bane led them for a walk through the city. She would have rather laid down. She did not want to look at the buildings or the people. She did not want to smell the garbage and piss, most especially the harsh smell of something burning off in the distance. She did not want to be reminded that everything would soon be gone. It scared her. It would send waves of panic through her. As if everything were slipping through her fingers and she could hold on to nothing. She may as well be falling off the Earth. There was no control over anything.
Bane reduced his long-legged stride to a slow gait as she trudged along with her oversized boots and limp. She was wearing the military jacket he had given her. His farewell gift to her when she chose to run out into the cold city. Then she returned to him with it. Bruised, bloody, with a dead man's shoes, and not much else.
"If I take you from the city, what will you do after?" Bane's breath leaked through the ventilations in his mask and dissipated into the cold air.
"Anything you need me to do." she answered.
He grabbed the lapels of his wool coat. "You misunderstand the question. What do you want to do with your life?"
Pilar frowned as they walked together. "I thought I was going to be a part of the League of Shadows?"
"No. That life is ill-fitting for you. If I simply let you go, you will be picked up by authorities and go through different foster homes until you turn of legal age. I can take you to places in Asia and Europe where you won't have to worry about that. Though, it will be far away from everything you know."
She felt her insides lurch. Her chest feeling as though it was caving in. She couldn't understand how he could say it all so dismissively.
"I don't understand. Why… You can't take care of me?"
Was she truly that much of burden to him? He had promised to protect her, didn't he? It felt like a punch to the gut to know that he was planning to dump her off as soon as he would be able.
"That I cannot." he answered truthfully.
She willed herself to eradicate her hurt and sadness. Harden them into an armor. Her hands clenched into fists. Her jaw clicked and her skin flushed with anger.
"You want to save my life but have no responsibility for it after." she muttered with an accusing tone.
He stopped walking and she paused her steps as well. She did not wish to look at him. Opting instead to look down at the sidewalk. A blue and orange marble caught her eye. Nestled in between the sidewalk and the street. Chipped with a quarter of it broken off and missing. It was a reminder of a time that felt so long ago.
"You told me that you would follow me anywhere." Bane spoke solemnly to her. "You do not comprehend the reality with what I do. You would never be safe. You would always be in hiding with me. I would save your life only to be putting it in continuous danger over and over again."
She could pick up the marble. Keep it. Bring it back to the cell and store it next to the Joker's browned and cracked tooth. One token to remind her of vengeance and hatred. Another to remind her of a life and childhood no longer attainable. She entertained the thought for only a moment.
Why was she constantly trying to remain in the past? Clinging to the memory of her father, reluctant to leave the steps of her former house, and now feeling the impulse to pocket a marble. But what would be the point? What would be the point in reminding herself that who she had been was dead and gone? What would be the point in reminding herself of the awful evil in this world and allowing herself to be consumed by hatred?
Anger did feel good; but anger only felt good because sadness was unbearable. When it was in her, it would be all-consuming. Powerful and propelling. But anger isn't true strength, she had realized. She did not want to live angrily or violently. She just wanted some kind of happiness. How she could attain it, she did not know. Not even where to start with it. She did know that she was tied to Bane. His presence meant safety. He had killed the old girl that she was. She had been reborn in his shadow. It only felt right to stay there.
"You don't have to live a bloody life." she murmured not ungently as she hugged herself around the ribs. "We could live together and be different. We could be better."
She chanced a look at him then; turning her body away from the marble and fully towards his towering form. His eyebrows angled slightly downward as he listened to her. His hazel eyes were dark and stared sharply at her. They were chilled with pity. Her words to him were a mere childish plea. A foolish request. She knew the answer was no before there was even a response. That same pain in her gut and heaviness in her chest returned with full force.
"There is no hope for anything else… to be anything else than what I am."
He began walking again and she limped in his wake while processing his logic. She had not been expecting such a grim and self-piteous response. She recalled reading in one of his Dostoevsky books a similar excerpt. When she read it at the time, she thought it was bullshit. She still did. Everything he ever taught her through self-discipline made her disagree with it. She could not put any sense to that rationale. She hobbled quicker to walk by his side and he noticeably slowed his pace.
She pursed her lips and pushed her voice to sound strong.
"That's not true. Your own thoughts and feelings and perceptions go on infinitely inward within you. With no bars. No restrictions. No shackles. You showed me that, with meditation and books. That's how you were able to mentally escape during solitary confinement. Yet, you tell me that there is no hope for change, for decisions, for freedom?"
"And what would you propose? That I stop being a mercenary?" he countered tauntingly.
"You don't have to do it. You could have a normal life."
He laughed at her then. His eyes alight in his mockery. She stared resentfully up at him from beneath her eyebrows. She knew it was his nature to be unkind and malicious, but she felt the spurn as it took bites out of her sincerity.
"I relish a fight." he told her. Even though that part of face was hidden, she could tell his lips were curled into a sneer as he boasted. "I delight in the defeat of those weaker than me. I've been a killer since I was a boy and I take pleasure in it. Do not assume that the kindness and leniency I give to you extends towards others. I have no desire to be a compassionate man."
"You would rather be a cruel man? You would rather be like Dorcha, taking pleasure in the deaths of those he presumed weaker than he was?" she snapped at him.
He looked sideways at her as they walked. His eyes flashed angrily, yet he said nothing. She tried to think of good words. Words that would stir him as his did when she had been told she was meant to do great things. Words to let him know that she understood. She felt a knot wind up in her throat before she pushed herself to speak.
"You allow so many dark things inside of you to take over. Sometimes you speak to me and I can see something else lurking underneath. I can see your capability to be something different. Something better. Just as you have said to me."
He scoffed at her.
"Just when I think you have learned something from me, you remind be that you're still a naive girl with your head filled with fanciful notions. Redemption, honor, justice; these things do not exist within the real world. You best come to terms with that, girl, or life will continue to disappoint you over and over agin. Killing is what I do best and it is what I will continue doing."
"You think you're free." she responded sadly. "You think rage gives you power. You think you're mind and body are disciplined but they're not. You'll never be free and never have true power because you'll always be chained down by yourself."
He stopped walking once again and turned towards her. His hands dropped from the lapels and went to his sides where his fingers twitched against one another.
"And yet you still will follow me around the world like the deplorable little dog that you are!"
He grabbed her suddenly by the front of her jacket. Her feet left the pavement as a shot of fear ran violently through her causing her to cry out. Her scream shook him and she was suddenly dropped back down. She struggled to gain her composure, holding onto a mailbox that she stumbled backwards into. She could see the whites in Bane's eyes. The flush on the top of his cheeks just before they disappeared beneath the mask. His hand shook with anger and clenched into a tight fist. She could hear the bones popping and cracking before his forefinger jutted out and pointed to her.
"You have the audacity to speak to me about imprisonment and freedom? What you experienced in the Box was a mere taste. You know nothing, girl. You know nothing of the true discipline that is required to survive such an existence. Life is cruel and so crafted me to be cruel. You have no comprehension of the true horrors and darkness in this world, girl. Do not lecture me on it." he finished scathingly.
She stood still in bewilderment and feeling the last roll of fear induced adrenaline go through her stomach.
"You owe me. I saved your life." she was pulling at straws.
He was pushing his rage away, but she could read the agitation still present in his posture. His arms and shoulders rigid and tense. He waved a hand at her words.
"The debt was paid when I opened your cage. Any matter, life owes us nothing and promises us only death. The only meaning that comes out of life, comes from our own pain and suffering. All I am doing is keeping you out of harm's way. What more could you demand from me?"
She shook her head at him. "You. Just you."
Bane blinked at her and she saw the wildness leave his eyes. His shoulders eased and his hand reached out to touch her. Her eyes stayed with his as she felt the knuckles of his fingers brush against her bruised neck. It created a warm shiver within her. His thumb and forefinger lightly grasped her chin.
"Senseless girl." he mocked her.
His thumb lifted up and lightly touched her bottom lip. She saw his hazel eyes flicker down to look there. His caress was warm and she could only wonder how his body was able to run so hot. It touched there for only a moment, before he pulled away and continued walking. Her tongue darted out to wet her dry lips as her brows came together. Her lips pressed together and she thought of the word that had only brought disgust to her the day before.
Attraction.
