A/N: Sorry for the delay in updating! Long story short, I got sick, didn't write for a few days. Got better, worked heaps and wrote in between. Started typing, got sick again. I'm still a little off now, but yeah!
I'll stop rambling for now, and let you enjoy (hopefully!) this new chapter.
I do have to give this chapter a trigger warning though, as there is some reference to self-harm in it. So please, if you're offended, that is not my intention. I've had this idea for awhile. And I tried to write it as tastefully as possible.
Over the next couple of weeks, Brittany's injuries healed. Not wanting to explain the real story about how she got the injuries, Brittany said she tripped over Lord Tubbington in the dark. And much to Brittanys relief, everyone bought the story.
Just before mid-terms, the seniors were given two weeks off. And a lot of the senior class took advantage of this, taking off for the whole two weeks, rather than actually studying. Brittany and Santana were amongst that group. They planned a quick getaway. Which their parents agreed too, as long as they stayed home for the first few days and got some study done. Feeling it was a fair deal, Brittany and Santana agreed to it. Both girls were grateful that their parents understood that they just wanted alone time, away from Lima.
Santana was packing her bags the night before her and Brittany were going to leave. And she couldn't wait to leave; to spend time away, alone, with the girl she loved. Once her bags were packed, Santana sat cross-legged on her bed, a small box in her hand. Santana smiled as she opened the small box. It contained a thin silver chain, with a heart locket. Santana got it for Brittany, just because she could. And inside the locked, Santana got an inscription – 'Forever yours, S xoxo' Santana shut the box, and made sure it was safely hidden in her bag before she went to bed.
The next morning, Brittany woke up, and couldn't stop grinning. She was excited to get away, just her and Santana. They'd found a little cabin, hidden in the woods, and after looking at the pictures of it, decided it was where they wanted to go. So they booked it on the spot. After having a shower, Brittany got dressed, and double checked she'd packed everything she needed. Brittany took her bag downstairs, leaving it by the front door, then heading into the kitchen to make some breakfast.
Santana was almost too excited to eat breakfast, but her mama made sure she had something to eat. "You can't drive on an empty stomach!" she argued. Santana knew it was best not to argue with her mama, so she admitted defeat, and ate the breakfast her mama prepared.
"Hey mama," Santana said as she finished eating. Consuela turned around to face her daughter, "Yes sweetheart?" Santana stood up and walked over to her mama, hugging her. "Thanks, for you know, letting me go away with Britt, alone..." "Oh mija, of course me and your papi said yes. How could we not? We trust you, and we trust Brittany. Plus the time away, you deserve it. For this year, you've worked so hard. And we understand that you and Brittany, you don't get proper alone time." Santana hugged her mama that bit tighter, "You both really... Just amazing. You understand. I want... I want to tell.. Tell people. I think Britt does too.. I think... But... I don't know how." "You'll find a way sweetheart. Talk to Brittany. See how she feels." Santana pulled away, "Thanks mama. I think I will do that." Santana picked up her keys, "I should go get Britt, so we can hit the road soon."
After seeing Mollie off, because a friend was taking her to school that day, Brittany returned to eating her breakfast. "Mummy, can I ask you something?" she asked as she went to put her dishes in the sink. "Of course you can my DQ, what's up?" "Well... Umm... Like, I wanna tell people about me and San. But I don't know how. Or even if she wants to tell people just yet."
Brianna smiled, "Come here," she said, arms wide open. Brittany stepped over to her mum, and into the awaiting embrace. "Why don't you talk to Santana? See what she's thinking. Then you both can make a decision from there." "I think I will. Thank you mummy." Brianna kissed the top of her daughters head, "Anytime." "And thank you for letting me go away with San. It really means a lot." "Brittany," Brianna started as she pulled out of the hug, and looked at her daughter, "I trust you. And I trust Santana. It's that simple." Brittany couldn't help but smile widely back at her mum. She was lost for words. Then the doorbell rang, and Brittany's smile grew even wider. Brianna grinned at her daughter, nodding her head, to tell her to go get the door. Brittany jumped on the spot, then skipped towards the front door.
"Ready to go away?" Santana asked as Brittany shut the door behind her. "Yes, definitely," Brittany giggled, hugging Santana from behind, and kissing her cheek. "You two have a good time," said Brianna as she walked to the front door. "We will, thanks Mrs P. For everything." "Anytime of course. Now, get going you two! Have fun!" "Geez mummy sounds like you're trying to get rid of us! You're throwing a wild party aren't you?" Brittany laughed. "Must be pretty wild if you want us gone so quick and all," Santana winked. Brianna shrugged, and the trio cracked up laughing. "But we probably should go anyways B," Santana said as she gently pried herself from Brittany's arms, and picked up Brittany's bag, "Then we can relax and forget about Lima for a few days." Brittany opened the door, "Bye mummy!" she said as herself and Santana headed for the car.
The drive out to the cabin took about three hours, which was filled with lots of laughter, fun and general chatter. Once they arrived, Brittany got out of the car, and stood outside the cabin, in awe. "It's so much prettier in real life," she said as Santana stood beside her, bags in hand. "It really is, lets take a look inside," she winked.
"Mmm, comfy," Brittany giggled as she jumped on the bed, then spread herself out over it. "Looks it," Santana laughed as she put their bags down, eyeing Brittany on the bed. Then, walking over to the bed with a smirk on her face, Santana climbed on, straddling Brittany, "Feels comfy too," she said as she bounced a little. Propping herself up with her arms, Brittany brought her face to Santana's, "It is pretty damn comfy, I do have to agree." The pair giggled as they shared a kiss. Pulling away, Brittany leant back, laying down again. But this time, bringing Santana with her. "Can we go for a walk?" Brittany asked, her fingers dancing on Santana's back. "I don't wanna move," Santana said, burying her head in Brittany's neck, "So comfy." Brittany giggled, "Baaaaabe! Before it gets dark? We can snuggle again later. And tomorrow. And the day after that. And every day until we leave." Kissing Brittany's neck, Santana peeled herself from the blonde, and stood up, holding out her hand, "Lets go then!"
After taking a walk, on which the pair discovered a couple of nice little spots they could have lunch, and a secluded swimming hole, Brittany and Santana headed back to the cabin. "It really is so pretty out here," Brittany commented as she helped Santana make dinner. Turning to face Brittany, Santana smiled, "Definitely. And quiet too. No-one but us." Brittany washed her hands, and walked over to Santana, "Mmm, that as well," she said as she hugged her girlfriend, "I'm really glad we decided to come away. Just us." "Me too baby," Santana pecked Brittany's cheek, "And we can do this all again. I'm gonna take you away. Somewhere amazing, for your Eighteenth birthday." "I love the sound of that! Brittany beamed. Her birthday was a couple of weeks after prom. Santana saw the look in Brittany's eyes, and couldn't help but smile. But also, her mind formed some thoughts.
'Look at her. How she loves me back, I have no idea. But she does. And I'll never ever stop being grateful for it. I think... I'm pretty sure she wants to tell people about us. She's said she's a bit scared too, but I can tell she just wants to be out in the open. Maybe we could tell Quinn first. She is our best friend after all... And then... I know what I wanna give her for her birthday now... Or partly at least. I'm gonna give her that. The openness, if she wants it then. I'll take to her just before the speeches, and tell her I'm ready, and want to tell people in my speech that I'm in love with the most beautiful and wonderful person in the world. My best friend. Brittany.'
The timer on the oven snapped Santana from her thoughts, so she detached herself from Brittany, and the two girls plated up dinner. As they ate, Santana couldn't keep her eyes off of Brittany. Just like Brittany couldn't keep her eyes off of Santana. And both girls had the same thoughts as they ate and giggled through dinner. That they wanted to talk about telling the world that they were in love. Neither knew that's what the other was thinking though, and both planned on bringing it up at some point during their week away.
After dinner, Brittany and Santana got changed, and snuggled in bed, wrapped in each others arms. "So what did you wanna do tomorrow bub?" Santana asked as she laced her fingers through Brittany's hair. Brittany thought for a moment, then replied, "Can we make a picnic lunch? Sit at one of the spots we found? Then we could maybe, like, lay by the fireplace and cuddle and watch or movie or something?" Santana smiled, pressing a kiss on Brittany's head, which was snuggled on her chest, "Of course we can. Sounds perfect."
Neither girl would ever get over waking up, embraced in the one that they loved arms. "Ready for today?" Santana asked, a giggle in her voice as Brittany buried her face into the pillow. Brittany was never a morning person. Even when she was waking up next to Santana, Brittany wasn't one for getting up. "What was that?" Santana giggled even more as Brittany's reply was muffled by the pillow. Lifting her head, Brittany rested it on Santana's shoulder, "I said soon, I'm really comfy and don't wanna move yet," she pouted. Santana rolled her eyes, a smile in her face, "We can laze here a bit longer I think," she sad, lifting Brittany's head up, kissing her softly.
While Brittany showered, Santana prepared a picnic, with all their favourite foods. "Ready!" Brittany exclaimed as she skipped into the kitchen, "Ooh, yummy!" Brittany went to pick a strawberry from the basket, when Santana playfully slapped it away, "Not yet silly! Save it for the picnic. You're gonna need room for me to feed you those!" Brittany rolled her eyes, "You're such a sap!" "Only for you," Santana winked as she held the basket in one hand, Brittany's hand in the other, as they headed out the door. And it was true, Santana only ever let her guard down completely around Brittany.
Before the girls knew it, the sun was beginning to set. After a day of good food, naps in the sun, chatter and cuddles and kisses, the two girls headed back to the cabin. "You hungry?" Santana asked as they walked in the door. Brittany shook her head, "I'm good," she smiled, "We could have a late dinner maybe?" "Sounds perfect," Santana replied as she sat on the couch. "Good," Brittany said as she walked around to face Santana.
"Why?" smirked Santana. Brittany rolled her eyes, knowing Santana was playing. "Just coz," she said, sitting herself across Santana's lap, and snuggling her neck, "Snuggly." Brittany mumbled against Santana's skin. "What was that?" Santana laughed. She heard Brittany perfectly well, "Come on! Spill!" she laughed some more, lightly tickling Brittany. "Stop!" Brittany giggled as Santana kept up the tickle torture. "What did you say?" Santana mused in a sing song tone of voice. "I... Said... Snuggly!" Brittany managed between giggles.
Santana stopped tickling Brittany, and hugged her tightly, "I know," she chuckled. Brittany pouted. "Come on, don't be like that. Though, it is damn cute," Santana winked. "Shut up!" Brittany whined playfully. "But why?" "Coz," Brittany said shortly, before kissing her way across Santana's cheek, and crashing their lips together.
Before they knew it, Brittany and Santana were in the bedroom, clothing discarded around them. The air was filled with moans and gasps. Straddling Brittany on the bed, Santana removed her own bra, tossing is aside as Brittany toyed with the hem of her underwear. Santana moved just enough to allow Brittany to slide them off easily. Glancing down at her own body, then to Brittany's, Santana leant down, whispering in Brittany's ear, "Now, this isn't fair, is it?"
Sitting up slightly, Brittany shook her head. Santana smirked, then as her hands slowly removed Brittany's bra, she kissed along her girlfriends collarbone. Brittany hummed in satisfaction as Santana, without her lips leaving Brittany's skin, gently forced Brittany to lay back down. Finding a sensitive spot on Brittany's neck, Santana sucked and nibbled, as her hands worked Brittany's panties off. Once the panties were tossed aside, Santana lifted her head up, gazing into Brittany's eyes, before leaning down to place a warm kiss on her girlfriends smiling lips.
Brittany and Santana's hands explored each others bodies as their kiss became deeper. Santana knew what she wanted to do. Brittany whimpered as Santana's lips left her own, but soon grinned and giggled as Santana's lips began travelling down her neck. "That feels really good," Brittany breathed out. "That's the point," Santana murmured as her lips took in Brittany's left breast, and she caressed the right. Brittany let out a content moan as Santana's kisses trailed further down to her abdomen.
Every kiss Santana pressed to her skin, Brittany felt like she was on fire. 'God I love her so much. She really knows how to make me feel amazing. I'm so glad she suggested this trip...' Brittany's thoughts got derailed as Santana kissed her thigh. 'Her hand... It's covering... She wont see them...' Santana started kissing and nipping her way to Brittany's inner thigh. 'No no no no, you can't see, you can't... She'll think you're a freak.. No no no.. Just no no...'
"Britt Britt, what's wrong?" Santana shot up. Brittany had started to shake, and vocalise her thoughts. Brittany was too afraid to look at Santana, and turned to face the window, sitting up as she did. Santana was worried she'd done something wrong. It was the first time Santana had tried oral sex on anyone or with anyone. The first time her and Brittany would have tried it. And the first time Brittany would have experienced it too. "Britt? Baby?" Santana said tentatively, moving over to sit beside Brittany, and putting a hand on her shoulder.
Santana's hand on her shoulder made Brittany feel sick. Without speaking, Brittany got up quickly, pulling on her panties and grabbing a jumper from the top of her bag, and walking out of the room. Santana sat there stunned. Her mind went blank. Gathering her underwear, Santana put them on, then grabbed her sweats, putting them on as well.
'That was... I don't even know... She just... Why would she think I'd think she was a freak? I'd never ever think that... Why are you still in here Lopez? Go find her for fucks sake!' Santana cursed herself for staying in the bedroom for so long. Quickly grabbing a pair of pants for Brittany, Santana then set off to find her girlfriend.
Which didn't take her long to do. As she stepped into the lounge room, Santana found Brittany attempting to light the fireplace. Santana watched as Brittany gave up in frustration. Santana's heart broke when she saw Brittany's eyes. They were red, and puffy. 'Fuck. She looks so... Lost? I've got to make her feel better.' Santana walked over to Brittany, who was looking down into her lap. "Put these on babe, you look cold," Santana said as she knelt down by Brittany. Brittany looked up into Santana's eyes, and saw nothing but love, and concern. Letting the tiniest smile escape her lips, Brittany took the pants from Santana, and put them on.
While Brittany did this, Santana got the fire going. Once she was happy that the fire wouldn't go out, Santana turned back to see Brittany, looking down at her hands, chewing her lip. Santana sat right beside Brittany, and just held her close. "Whenever you're ready Britt, I'm here. And I'm not leaving," Santana whispered as she stroked Brittany's hair. Brittany nodded, and silently let tears fall down her face onto Santana's shoulder.
"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry," Brittany finally said, in the tiniest voice. "No, Bee, don't be sorry. You've got nothing to be sorry about," Santana replied. "But I do... I was scared that when you saw... That you'd think I was a freak..." "I could never ever think that. Ever. What would I see that would make me think anything other than I love you?" "Th-the scars..." Brittany mumbled. 'Scars? What?' "What scars Britt Britt?" Santana asked. Not that she was entirely sure that she wanted to hear the explanation, because she was scared to hear anything come out of Brittany's mouth that may be upsetting. But at the same time, she wanted to know why Brittany was upset. Taking a deep breath, Brittany began to explain.
Dear Diary,
I'm so glad Mollie isn't home right now. She doesn't need to hear this. She heard them the other week. And I hated lying to her. That hurt so so much. More than hearing mummy and daddy fight. I don't think they know I'm back yet. If they know, or think we're home, they try be quieter. I wish I know why they were fighting. Then maybe I could help try fix it... I can't tell anyone what's going on either, which hurts a bit too. I wish I could tell San at least. She'd make me feel better. It's what best friends do. But I can't tell anyone. Just like I can't tell anyone about what I do. They'd think I'm crazy. But it's the only thing right now that doesn't hurt, and makes me feel better. It's weird. It should hurt. But it doesn't. It makes the pain go away... Oh great. Someone threw something downstairs. I heard it smash. And the yelling just got louder. I'm gonna go try drown it out now. Bye!
Brittany S. Pierce xoxo
Brittany shut her diary, and put it safely in its hiding spot. Sighing to herself, Brittany got up from her desk, and sat on her bed. The screaming and fighting from her parents continued, and Brittany looked towards her door. A couple of tears escaped her eyes. "Please stop," she whispered pleadingly as she put her headphones in, attempting to drown out everything. Wiping away the tears, Brittany pressed play and turned up the volume.
But it wasn't quite enough. Brittany's tears fell faster as she turned up her iPod, full blast, and curled up in a ball. This time, everything was drowned out. But the tears kept falling, and Brittany's thoughts flew around her head rapidly, making no sense.
Brittany woke up a couple of hours later, iPod on the floor still playing. Brittany picked it up and turned it off, then checked her phone. "Of course you're at work now," Brittany rolled her eyes at the text from her dad, telling her she'd see him the next day, because he was needed at work. "Made yourself needed more like..." Brittany adored her dad, but despised that he seemed to be at work all the time. "I hope there's some Advil or something in the kitchen still," Brittany muttered as she slid her phone in her pocket, and wandered to the kitchen. She'd awoken with a headache, from crying herself to sleep.
Brittany found some Advil in the kitchen cupboard, and went to the fridge to get a juice out. She smiled to herself as she read her mum's note. Headed out for a few hours with the girls. Dinner's in the fridge, just gotta heat it up. Love you my DQ. Love mum xxxx No matter what was going on, she always made sure Brittany and Mollie were taken care of. Opening the bin to put the note in there, Brittany's heart sank. In the bin was the remains of her mum's favourite mug. The mug Brittany and Mollie had gotten for her the mothers day before last.
All the pain, and all the hurt, it came flying back. Brittany dropped the note in the bin, and let the lid crash shut as she headed for the bathroom. Even though no-one was home, or due to be for some time yet, she shut the door behind her. The voices in her mind started up as Brittany splashed her face with water. 'You know it'll make the pain stop. No-one's home. You wont get caught. Just do it.' But deep in the back of her mind, Brittany knew that what she kept doing to herself wasn't the answer. It helped in the very short term, but the feeling of hurt, they always came back.
In the end, the loudest voices won.
It was like a well choreographed routine. Brittany would take a razor from the top cupboard. Her father never noticed the odd one missing here and there. She then picked up the box of tissues. Sitting on the cold tiled floor, Brittany pulled down her shorts, exposing the top part of her legs. Brittany took a deep breath, and bit her lip at the sight of her inner thigh. The scars were lined perfectly. And they were high enough up that they weren't noticeable if you caught a quick glimpse up Brittany's skirt.
Brittany hated the sight. She hated the scars. But at the same time, she couldn't bring herself to stop. Breaking the plastic surrounding the blade, Brittany stared at the shiny metal, grasping it carefully between two fingers as she put the plastic in the bathroom wast basket.
With one last deep breath, Brittany lowered her hand...
"I don't know why I started... Or even remember how..." Brittany said, gazing into the fire. More tears were falling down her face.
Santana was in shock. 'How the fuck did I not know about this? How did I not see a sign, or something? Is she still? If she wants too, I can talk to papi with her...' Brittany had just confessed her darkest secret, and all Santana wanted to do was take care of her. Ignoring her own silent tears, Santana asked the question that was burning away in her mind, "Are you still... You know?" she couldn't bring herself to actually say it.
Brittany shook her head, "No. I... Got caught. It was so bad San. Daddy had just moved out. And I was home alone... But mummy came home early..." she sobbed, burying her head into Santana's shoulder. Santana rubbed Brittany's back, and waited for her to speak again.
"I think... It kind of hurt more because she didn't yell, or tell me off. What I was doing, it was so wrong. But she just sat down beside me on the floor, and held me. I felt sick. Awful. Terrible. The worst I have ever felt. We sat there for so long. She just held me. I asked her why she didn't yell and scream at me and tell me off. She said I was already hurting enough, and didn't need any more hurt."
"She loves her girl. And she was right. You didn't need to be yelled at. You just needed your mum," Santana kissed Brittany's head.
"I can't... I can't describe it. We talked. And talked. A lot. About how the split was affecting me. about everything really. It was the best talk we had ever had. After it, I was determined to stop. I didn't want to hurt anymore. And I didn't want mummy to hurt either. She's never admitted it, but I know it hurt her. I hate that. So we... We went to the hospital. To get my leg cleaned up properly. And ask about... A counsellor. And I knew your papi was at work that evening, so mummy made sure we saw him. He helped me so much. So so much. And found me a counsellor. The best. He kept an eye on e too. Made sure I was alright. I haven't c-cut since then. I'm just... I'm sorry I never told you, and that you had to find out like this..."
"Don't you ever, ever be sorry okay?" Santana said gently, interrupting Brittany from continuing, "You didn't have to tell me squat. I don't care that I found out like this. I just care that's you're okay, and not hurting anymore."
"So... So you don't hate me? You're not gonna break up with me?" Brittany lifted her head up, making eye contact with Santana, and upon seeing her tears, she wiped away the remnants, "But I made you cry."
"Brittany Susan Pierce," Santana couldn't help but smile back at the blonde, "No, I don't hate you. And hells no, I'm absolutely not breaking up with you. Yes, you did make me cry. But it was only because I love you so damn much. And it's like if you feel something, then I feel it too. And, the tears, they were also a bit coz I'm so proud of you." Brittany gave Santana a look of curiosity, "Proud?"
Santana nodded, "Yes. Because you told me that. All of it. Your darkest secret. You were so so brave. You told me something so deep. But you said it. I am really proud, because it couldn't have been easy. But what makes me most proud, is that you got through it. You made it here, and you're here to tell your story. How you came out of the darkness. You survived Brittany." Santana's eyes never left Brittany's as she spoke. "Really?" Brittany asked timidly. Nodding, Santana smiled, and pressed a tender kiss to Brittany's lips. Barely breaking contact, Santana's reply was simple.
"Yeah."
A/N 2: So there you go. As I said, I tried to write the self harm reference as tastefully as possible. Hence why I didn't actually write Brittany cutting herself. I felt that was too dark. And this chapter was dark enough.
I wrote that it was Brittany that had done that to herself, because you'd never really expect that from someone so sweet, and innocent in ways. I've always seen Santana as someone that would think about it, and Brittany be so naive about things like that. So I switched it about. And wrote what I wrote.
So until next time, please read, review, and enjoy life! (Go see Ice Age 4, omg way too funny. PLUS Heather Morris is in it. For like, 5 lines near the end. BUT OH WELL. Also, The Wanted's song 'Chasing The Sun' is in the movie too. Okay, so when the song came on and when Heather came on, I had mini fangirl attacks in the cinema and squealed a little haha.)
I have quite a bit left for this fic. Tbh, I can't see me finishing it anytime soon. I daresay it will go on into next year, because there's so many ideas floating in my head (and in my special notebook haha) for it!
Now, I know I referenced a couple of things in the chapter that never got answered. So please, if you don't want any spoilers for the next chapter, don't read after the line breaks! And I will see you next time! If you want to know, please, read on!
*Santana will give Brittany the locket, to reinforce that she isn't leaving, and is in this relationship, well, as the locket says, forever.
*They will discuss telling people about their relationship. Santana wont reveal her plan for Brittany's birthday. But they do talk about telling a couple of people at first. Which will be Quinn, that's definite. And maybe Mike. And I'm thinking about bringing Holly Holiday into it too. Maybe. I'll see how it goes. Brittany will be the one to start that conversation.
*Santana will now be attending prom alone. And will be a nominee for prom queen.
*Santana will ask to see the scars, and I've already got a sweet scene planned out for that.
That's basically it for now for the next chapter. Other little things may get thrown in as I write. But that's the main gist of it :)
