A/N: HELLO! We're back, it's been a long while since we last updated, but you know life; it likes to throw in little complicating factors... or we've been lazy, I can't really remember which. I hope you all had a Merry Christmas (or whatever winter holiday you celebrate, if any) and a great New Year. Just one little warning for this chapter; BRACE YOURSELVES! It's not so bad after you get past the first section.
(JB): There are some bits in it that we've been looking forward to for quite a while, though.
Disclaimer: I own the rights to Lord of the Rings... does it count if I write them myself?
Chapter 9: Of Gary Stues and Incompetent Lackeys
"We must go and rescue the hobbits," said the beautiful-faced Legolas, his rare golden hair shining in the sun. "They are such gentle, peaceful folk, and so loyal. It would break my heart if we were not able to find them safe and well."
"Ah, good Legolas, you speak for all of us, as if you were using your Elven telepathy. However, you are too humble to do such a thing. You have always been the most emotional and sensitive of all of us. Indeed, it is possibly your only flaw, if you could call it such. It is what has made you the most loved elf in Mirkwood, ever since you were a child," Aragorn praised, stroking his strong manly chin.
"Oh Aragorn, my most trusted companion, you speak too highly of me and yet say nothing of your kingly stature, your many skills and your unsurpassed courage."
"I fear that this is one of the few occasions when I must correct you, Legolas. My courage pales in comparison to Frodo's, who travelled unaided into the depths of Mordor to destroy the One Ring."
"I do not deserve such high praise," protested Frodo, his exquisite blue eyes glistening with moisture at this beautiful tribute. "I would have failed without the support and friendship of my good Sam Gamgee: the most reliable and steady hobbit who ever lived."
Sam blushed. "Oh, I merely helped out when I was needed. My sacrifice was nothing to that of Boromir, who gave his life in an attempt to gain the freedom of his hobbit friends."
"Fat lot of good that did," muttered Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion, entering the chapter.
Sam appeared not to have heard. "Such bravery and loyalty are a mark of a true Gondorian hero."
"Sadly, my resolve has always been weak," said Boromir, his mind casting back to his shameful pursuit of the One Ring. "But how fortunate, then, that I have the example of Gimli, who once resolved not to kill Legolas. They are now the best of friends, a friendship so strong it crosses the boundaries of species and culture, so strong that they are almost like brothers. Their friendship is only comparable to that of Aragorn and Legolas. How wonderful it is to see a companionship that has flourished from their earliest childhood together. A friendship that has strengthened through great trials and vast timeline inconstencies. A bond so strong that it is almost ... homosexual."
The neo-Fellowship was silent as they decided how best to respond to this. Boromir quickly moved on: "And what of Gaurbrith?"
Gaurbrith smiled expectantly.
Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion smirked. "What of him?"
There was silence again.
"And what of Gandalf? Ever wise and possessed of great magical powers. With such a leader, truly we can not fail."
"Ah, but it was I who fell to a mere Balrog; my weakness is all too evident to me. We would have faired better in the mines of Moria had Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion been there with us. His skill with the blade and his cool wit would have saved us. His tactical knowledge and intuition are known throughout Middle Earth."
"Damn right," replied Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion, "and don't you forget it."
"Look there!" cried Aragorn running across the clearing. "Uruk-Hai tracks. There were between 38 and 40 of them, including two with slight limps and one with a wooden leg. These two were carrying burdens, hobbit-shaped by the look of it." He scrambled in the grass, searching for clues. "Look at this hair. This smooth brown hair is characteristic of the Took family and this thread is the exact colour of the jacket that Merry was wearing." Aragorn gasped; "Could this be the band of Uruk-Hai that kidnapped our friends?"
"There's no doubt about it," said Gimli. "My spidey-sense is tingling."
"We must follow the path that the deer tell us. I have convinced them to help us using the Speech of Animals, taught to me by my good friend Radegast the Brown." The strength of leadership sang out from Gandalf's decisive voice.
Legolas stepped forward. "I and my Silvan kin are greatly in tune with the forces of nature. However, I have been gifted with a special insight. I too can talk to animals."
"Same goes for me and Sam," said Frodo. "Us country folk can all understand the beasts of field and forest."
"Is anyone else starting to feel sick?" asked Gaurbrith, clutching his stomach.
(&)
Exactly 39 Uruk-Hai plus two hobbits walked into the courtyard of Dol Guldur. Zamoliskl of The Organisation was there to meet them.
"Welcome to Dol Guldur," he said.
"Gul Guldor?" asked a confused Pippin.
"Dol Guldur" Zamoliskl corrected with irritation.
"Dul Dooldor?"
"Dol Guldur!"
"Gul Duldor?"
"Dol Guldur!"
"Ooooooh… Gul Dulgure!"
Zamoliskl gave up. "I am Grand champion Zamoliskl."
"Zammawisky?"
"That's Grand Champion Zammawisky to you!" bellowed an orc, drawing his sword.
"SHUT UP!" Zamoliskl said to both of them. He took a deep breath, trying to calm down. "I hope you have a ... pleasant stay in our dungeons."
"Do we get bed-and-breakfast?" asked Pippin hopefully.
"No you don't!" snapped Zamoliskl, who felt like he was losing control of the situation.
"Oh, that guy told us we'd get bed-and-breakfast."
"No, that was Isengard, understand?" said an orc, a veteran from the War of the Ring.
"Oh yeah, sorry, one evil fortress looks just like another to me."
Zamoliskl decided to try a gloat. "You will never escape; we are prepared for you friends' arrival. They will be cut down, like lambs in a slaughter-house," he laughed maniacally, feeling much better. He had always liked gloating and felt it to be one of the few perks of the job.
"Are you my mummy?" asked Merry.
"Shut up, and take off that stupid mask," said Zamoliskl. He turned to the orcs. "Take them to the dungeon; I grow tired of their foolishness."
The hobbits were marched down the stairs to the awaiting dungeon.
(&)
The Fellowship moved through the woods, following the trial of the orcs. Sam started to whistle, a strong yet gentle sound, full of melody and emotion. It was a tune he had made up on the spot. Soon Frodo was clapping along, a complicated rhythm in perfect harmony. Boromir hummed a counter-point and Legolas improvised some words to go along. Aragorn produced a lute from his pocket (it was a very small lute). Aragorn always carried his lute with him, for one never knew when inspiration might strike. With voices and instruments the Fellowship rose in harmony, putting together a symphony that would honour the nobles of any royal court.
Gaurbrith tried to join in, but found he was about as musical as a dead orc. Frodo patted him on the back in sympathy while never breaking his prefect rhythm. Gaurbrith wasn't sure how he felt about becoming a percussion instrument.
"Silence!" said Legolas, tilting her head to the side to aid his superior Elvish hearing. The Fellowship immediately hushed, waiting for his important words.
"The trees tell me that the orcs approach Dol Guldur. We must traverse the 20 miles in 30 minutes or we may lose them forever."
"We must make haste," said Aragorn, "but first I must find some Athelas."
"Legolas and I shall accompany you," said Gimli.
They moved through the forest with great silence and stealth, so that the animals did not even notice their passing. Not that they would have been disturbed, for the calming presence of Legolas was upon them.
Then from afar they heard the sound of harsh orchish voices. Aragorn lifted his finger to his lips, unnecessarily indicating even more silence. Gimli moved forward with the grace that had made him famous among his dwarf-kin. Seeing two orcs, they quickly disguised themselves. Gimli stood still as a rock, while Legolas nestled among the branches of a tree and Aragorn perfectly imitated the movements and sounds of a wild boar.
As they watched, one of the orcs pulled out of his pocket a batch of leaflets. With their keen far-sight, Aragorn and Legolas could read the title:
"HOW BEST TO DESTROY MY MASTER'S PLANS"
"We're giving out these leaflets to all incompetent lackeys," said one orc to the other. "It gives lots of helpful advice on revealing plans, letting prisoners escape and so forth."
"So now I might say ta ya that the 'obbits 'ave been taken to Dol Guldur and that a trap 'as bin set for the Fellowship."
"That's quite right, you might also add that if they were to enter by the front gate, they would be trapped in the courtyard and slaughtered by overwhelming numbers."
"But if they were ta take the unguarded tunnel," continued the second orc, "ta the EAST of the tower, they could ge' in wivout any trouble."
"You're very good at this, it's a pity there aren't any Gary-Stued heroes around to overhear us."
"I ain't sure about this. Where can I get more info?"
"Why, we have a booth just over there." He pointed to a nearby neon sign which read:
'Incompetent Villain's Information Point'
Underneath which was a female orc, wearing a hideous blonde wig and bright red lipstick. Gimli broke his stone-like stillness to shudder.
As the two evil creatures walked away, the novice remarked "Yah well spoken fer an orc."
"Really? Good for you to say old chap. I suppose it would be because I was brought up in the suburbs of Mordor. You know how Middle-Class those areas are."
Once they had left, Legolas, Gimli and Aragorn made their way back to their companions, to plot a daring and dramatic rescue.
(&)
"So," said Pippin, "we appear to be locked in a dungeon.
"Indeed we do," replied Merry, "and to be honest, I've been in better cells."
"We need to get out of here soon Merry, I'm starting to get hungry."
"I've got more urgent problems," added Pippin. "I really need the ahem"
"Clear your throat?"
"No, I mean AHEM!"
"Oh, I get it." Pippin winked. "Coughing."
"No, I mean that … Oh forget it! Where's the toilet?"
"In that bucket over there."
(&)
"Which direction is Dol Guldur?" Gandalf asked of the expert trackers.
"The ground tells me to go South-East," said Aragorn, standing up.
"The stars tell me to go North-East," said Legolas, shielding his eyes from the moonlight with one hand and pointing with the other.
Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion made a suggestion; "Perhaps we should follow this well-used road which leads to that dark, forbidding tower over there," he said, leaning against a sign which said:
WELCOME TO THE REGION OF DOL GULDUR
Twinned with Barad-dur and Billericay
They soon came to a consensus.
"We can't be too far away," said Boromir, "those 300 orcs we just slew wouldn't have strayed too far from the tower.
(£)
"We need to find a way out of here. We can't count on the others," said Pippin.
"Well we could," replied Merry, "but it is not right for us to put our friends in any more danger."
"The way I see it, we have two options; we can wait till they bring us dinner, over-power them, take their weapons and make a run for it, or we can work away at the door and escape by stealth."
"Or we could go out the window."
"What?"
"It's a standard solution. There's always a third solution and it's usually 'out the window'."
"Ok, what about an awkward encounter with an ex-girlfriend?"
"Out the window."
"A spillage of hazardous chemicals?"
"Out the window."
"The War in Iraq?"
"Out the window."
Pippin sighed. "There's just one problem with that plan Merry: we're underground, so there is no window."
"There's no way out! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!" yelled Merry.
Pippin moved to comfort him. "There is one way we can escape, Merry. There's something I haven't told you, something I've been keeping a secret." His pupils started to glow red. "I have LASER EYES!"
The beams burst forth and incinerated the lock. The door swung open. Luckily for them, the guards were in the library reading an interesting leaflet they had been given and had dropped the master key in front of the door.
The glow subsided and Pippin gestured to Merry. "Quick, let's get out of here."
Picking up the master key, Merry lead them out of the tower using his prefect memory and sense of direction.
(&)
Boromir effortlessly lifted the one-ton trap door and they all jumped down gracefully though the door. Gimli hit the butt of his axe into the ground and listened carefully to the echoes.
"Mmmm, these passages extend far underneath the ground. We must be in the dungeons. I think that perhaps it would be best if we split up and search for our companion's cell."
Frodo spoke up, his eyes shinning with innocent bravery. "I'll take Sam and Gaurbrith and go this way. The rest of you go that way."
"I'm not entirely comfortable with this," said Gaurbrith.
"I am," said Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion. "I'm on the good team."
"But what happens if we get attacked?"
"I have faith in Frodo and Sam's ability to fight off any enemy," said Aragorn, lifting his pack and strolling off down the hallway. As they parted ways, Sam led Gaurbrith down the corridor.
As they moved through the darkened hallway, they listened at every door to try and identify what was within. Aragorn held his ear to a keyhole.
"Behind this door I hear 3 orcs, all in their mid-30s and all wearing thick leather amour," he whispered. "There is a chest-of-drawers in one corner, containing 14 napkins and 2 tablecloths. There is also a spider in the top drawer." Only Aragorn could make such a supreme deduction merely from the sounds leaking through the door.
They moved on and soon came to a dead-end, only holding two doors on either side of the path.
"The vibrations in the rocks tell me that left is the true path, but we should try both doors, in case I'm wrong."
"You only wrong yourself, mellon, when you doubt your abilities. Your affinity with all rocks is legendary, even among dwarf-kind. Still, we shall put your worries to rest."
Boromir opened the right-hand door.
"Duff Man cameo. Oh Yeah!"
Boromir closed the door.
"What was that?" asked Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion.
"Just a Duff Man cameo. Shall we try the other door?"
(£)
With characteristic sharpness, Frodo, Sam and Gaurbrith (well, except Gaurbrith) spotted a shadow approaching a fork in their path. They ran down a deserted hallway and settled into the shadows, just in time to avoid being spotted by two orcs. The orcs stopped in the crossroad.
"What are these breadcrumbs doin' 'ere?" growled one orc. "They seem to form a trail."
"It's those bloody cleaners again," replied the second orc. "They all 'ave 'oles in their bin bags. I keep tellin' 'em not ter pick 'em up with their swords."
"Can't get the staff these days. Should we clean up the trail of crumbs?"
The second orc snorted. "We're incompetent lackeys, not subservient dogsbodies. We'll leave it to ... someone else."
As they walked off, the first orc said "It's odd, but it almost looks as if someone's left the trail deliberately."
As soon as they were out of range, Frodo and Sam leapt out of the shadows.
"Perhaps we should follow and dispatch those orcs with deft swordsmanship," said Frodo.
"But mister Frodo, look at these breadcrumbs. They must have been left here by Merry and Pippin to lead us to where they are being held captive."
"You're right, we must follow these, there's no time to lose."
Frodo and Sam ran stealthily along the corridor, darting from shadow to shadow, while Gaurbrith slouched clumsily after them. The trail ran down to a cell. They opened the door to find their companions already there.
"You found the cell before us," said Frodo.
"It was a combined effort of tracking and reading the earth and air," said Aragorn.
"So where are Merry and Pippin?" asked Lord Kanolhachkirraukoturgilarsergedhelthalion.
"I'm afraid you won't be able to find them here," He said menacingly, stepping into the room, stroking his armadillo. "I'm afraid our little … family gathering will have to proceed without them."
The Ralph Bakshi version
End of Chapter 9.
Well if you felt sick while reading that then we've done a good job. :D Just Bob actually considered renaming the chapter 'The Fellowship Have a Love-In' while we were writing the first section.
Just a note to all you readers, we'll try the new system of review responding for now. So if you're not logged in when reviewing and you what a response then give us your email address. Well, till next time folks (which we really hope won't be as long a wait). The reviews will be sent the day after this goes up as I have an exam I really need to revise for at the moment.
