Two more weeks passed without any serious incidents or road blocks in Bucky's recovery. Sam and Bruce had helped the Soldier learn and understand the basic physiology of his body through literature and documentaries that explained how the male anatomy functioned and the reproductive process. After the lesson in body awareness, Bucky agreed to abstain from self-injury behavior and promised to report any perceived dysfunction to his Handler or to Sam or Bruce with the reassurance that he would in no way be punished or reprimanded under any circumstances. As the realization set in that he would not be subjected to pain for the purpose of conditioning desired responses, the Soldier was finally becoming more at ease with self-expression, exploring what it meant to be a human and not simply an Asset. He made attempts to hold eye contact for longer periods and rarely flinched when touched by the others. He also expressed a desire to work out in the gym and no longer looked to his Handler for permission when he needed to use the restroom or he wanted to shower or eat. His speech was still limited and his words were always carefully thought out before spoken softly, but with less nervous trepidation, often asking follow up questions or interjecting his own perception.
After six total weeks of custody, The Captain and the Black Widow had just returned from a briefing with Fury and Maria Hill, negotiating another few weeks of recovery before SHEILD's own specialists and doctors were given access to Sargent Barnes. The meeting had left Steve in a sour and irritated mood that he was not very good at masking as they entered the common living area to find Bucky, Sam and Clint in the Kitchen preparing a large tray of various types of fruit. Encouraging the Soldier to sample different kinds of tastes to help establish personal preference had been one of many tactics Sam suggested to help reinforce Bucky's understanding of self-determination and personal agency. The first time it had been done with different flavored protein shakes and Stark had suggested a blindfold to which the Soldier's reaction was instant tension and escalated breathing, head lowered and fists clenched. The idea was dismissed immediately and Steve had spent the next hour promising his withdrawn friend they would never cover his eyes.
The Captain forced himself to smile and nod at his teammates as he walked over toward them to look at the array of fruits on the large serving tray. The variety was truly extensive and Steve smirked as Natasha walked by snagging a blueberry, popping it in her mouth. Bucky was carefully analyzing the different fruits with his eyes before stiffening for a moment, intense gaze locked on some orange slices as his brow furled, jaw set. The others noticed at once, shifting back slightly as they had come to recognize the signs of memory recovery, aware that depending on what the Soldier was remembering, his mood and temperament could change drastically. At times the memory was of his past as Bucky Barnes and a fond smile beneath thoughtful eyes would replace his usually neutral expression, followed by some statement or comment that was spoken with a Brooklyn accent. However, at other times the memory would be something dark and painful, his expression changing to match the mood and he would turn away and go grab the nearest blanket, curling up in a corner with his knees drawn up and his head down until he was able to regulate his intense emotions and work through the ugly memory.
They knew to give him space when these flashes of Hydra abuse or past gruesome missions replayed in his mind's eye. Only after more than an hour of brooding would Steve or occasionally Natasha intervein, recognizing that whatever he had remembered was just too much to overcome on his own at that moment. The Soldier would be taken by his hand and lead back to his room where he would be encouraged to take a hot bath, the most comforting sensation the Asset had identified, preferred over food or the distraction of visual media.
Steve and the others watched Bucky's expression turn pensive and then his eyes blinked rapidly as his hand reached out and he picked up an orange slice before bringing his gaze up toward Steve, eyes searching his Handler's face before holding the slice out toward him with the smallest smile, eyes full of concern.
"Here Stevie,….. Vitamin C will help you shake this cold,…It's no fun having you stuck in bed all day!" Bucky's voice was strongly accented and sounded younger, as if he were a child again. Steve's breath caught and his surprise shifted to a grin as he accepted the orange slice with a nod.
"Thanks Bucky!,….. You're a good friend!" The Captain responded, all remanence of his bad mood obliterated by the ray of sunshine that hit him square in the chest. The Soldier looked inquisitively at Steve as he tilted his head in thought.
"Friend,… I am… your… Friend?" The Soldier questioned with a thoughtful look, as if finally understanding the context and meaning of the word.
"Yes,….. you are my Friend,….. you have always been my friend Bucky,….. since we were children." Steve nodded in affirmation, restating a sentiment that he had spoken numerous times to the Soldier over the past several weeks. This time was different however because instead of trying to get the Soldier to understand the true nature of their relationship, he was simply confirming what the man was asking. Bucky looked down for a moment considering the word Friend and thought about all the memory fragments he had recorded in his notebook, having reread them all numerous times. Despite trusting Steve and the others, he was still paranoid that one day he would wake up wiped clean again and loose everything he had painfully struggled to regain. Bucky took in a deep breath then looked back up to the Captain, his words slightly hesitant and expression guarded.
"I am your friend,… and…. You are….. my….." He took another breath, fists clenched at his sides. The others remained silent, eager to hear what he would say next. "You are my friend,…. not,….. my Handler?" He questioned with a quiver of uncertainty in his voice, eyes hopeful but shoulders hunched and head slightly lowered as if he might have made a terrible mistake.
"Yes!... Yes Bucky your right!,… We are friends!... I am not your Handler,….. no one is… We take care of each other, help each other because we are friends!" Steve's voice was a mixture of relief and desperation, wanting to make sure his friend really heard him and finally understood the truth of their friendship. Steve had accepted the painful fact that the Soldier had needed the reassurance of a Handler, unable to comprehend normal relationships until now, the connection finally being made. With another pensive expression and a nod, Bucky looked down for a moment and then back up, biting his lip as his eyes pondered, his next words hesitant and unsure.
"It's okay Buck,… just tell me what your thinking,…. Please?" Steve asked, his eyes bright with hope, an eager edge to his voice that he tried to keep calm.
"Your rank and Title,… is Captain America,… your name…..is….. Steven Grant Rodgers…I….am Sargent Barnes,….. you….. call me Bucky." He spoke slowly, as if putting the missing pieces together, gaze intense as he watched his Handler, no, his friend's reaction. "I,… call you,….. Steve?" The Soldier asked with a hushed breath, eyes pleading that he was not mistaken. He was answered with a huge grin and watery eyes as Steve nodded enthusiastically, relieved that at last the connection had been made and that his friend would finally stop referring to him as Captain and start calling him by name, not just after memory recovery but all the time.
"Yea Bucky,….. You can call me Steve, or Stevie…what ever you want pal,…. Because we are friends," Steve confirmed as he closed distance and rest a hand on the side of his friend's face, eyes grateful and chest feeling light.
"Punk?" Bucky questioned with a slight smirk and Steve laughed as he stepped closer and pulled his friend into a hug.
"Sure Jerk!...whatever you want!' Steve sighed.
"Because we are friends?' Bucky asked again quietly, his head tucked down in Steve's warm embrace.
"Yea Bucky,…. Because we are friends!" Steve sighed with relief and joy as his wet eyes met Natasha, Clint and Sam who all offered back their own encouraging smiles and nods, knowing how difficult it had been for Steve to step into the role of Handler and how much he had missed his friend.
…
Every day was steady progress and the Soldier's blank, neutral expression was eroding as he became more comfortable with his surroundings and the social ques he was relearning from his new friends. His nightmares were still intense and left him more often than not silently shaking and covered in sweat, Steve singing to him as he whipped him down with the cool wash cloth. However now when his trance was broken he would hum along with Steve and say thank you afterwards before stating that he was not ready to return to sleep. Instead he would go to the gym, take a bath or would watch a movie, sometimes with Steve's company and sometimes alone when he could tell how tired Steve was and insisted that he was fine without his friend's presence.
After one of his more toxic night terrors that had taken almost 30 minutes to break out of, he had finally looked up at Steve, eyes refocusing on the familiar face, as tears streaked down his cheeks, lips trembling.
"Steve?" Bucky asked with a choked whisper.
"Yea Buck,…. It's me,….. your safe pal." Steve spoke the reassurance softly, those words so frequent they almost felt scripted.
"I want to go home Stevie…. I'm tired of fighting." Bucky whispered as if it was a shameful secret, blinking a few stray tears from his eyelashes. Steve's heart clenched as he recalled those exact words and when the Sargent had spoken them during the war. It had been almost three months after the Captain had liberated the 107th from the Hydra weapons facility in Arezzo Italy and Bucky had refused to talk about what he had been subjected to in Zola's lab. His nightmare's were constant but he would simply turn away from Steve once he snapped out of his dissociative state, grumbling that the Captain should leave him alone and go back to sleep. However on that chilly winter night, tear streaked face visible in the moon light from outside the tent, Sargent Barnes, the hardened POW who had been deliberately shutting his friend out and masking his fear and exhaustion during the day with humor and at night with stubborn determination, finally broke. The Captain had let out a shattered breath and pulled his best friend into his arms, letting Bucky, a scared kid from Brooklyn sob in his arms, breaking down as he had never seen him do before and would never see him do again.
Steve took a deep breath as he focused on the present and on the man that was looking up at him with that same trembling pout, eyes wet and expression pleading. The difference was now Bucky's fear was gone, and in it's place resigned acceptance and emotional fatigue. He was not on the verge of breaking down and sobbing desperately in his best friend's arms, but his words where the same and the meaning was still clear.
"I know pal,… You have been so brave Bucky,…. I know your tired." Steve offered with a sad smile as he used his thumb to whip his friend's tear stained cheeks. The Captain swallowed the lump in his throat, unsure what else to say as he kept his own compassionate gaze locked with his friend's half lidded, glassy eyes.
"I want to see my mother Steve,…. And Katie?….. I want to go home!" Bucky stammered and his voice broke slightly as fresh tears ran down his cheeks. He used his own flesh hand to press Steve's warm palm into the side of his face as he closed his eyes and rolled onto his side closer to his friend's reassuring presence. Steve had stopped sleeping in Bucky's bed now that the Sargent had mostly chosen to stay awake after his nightmares but tonight Steve knew that his comfort was needed, his familiarity and solid presence was a life line for Bucky who was clearly feeling the loss of his life before stronger than ever now that he was remembering his family.
"I'm sorry Bucky,…. I miss them too!... I miss Brooklyn, and my mom, and your family and everything we left behind… I miss our home." Steve sighed, his chest tight as he finally admitted just how lost he too felt in this new century, detached from the people and places that had helped shape the man he was. He had been so lonely and resentful the first few months after they brought him out of the ice and now, a few years later, that pain of loss had not gone away but had just been swallowed down so that he could focus on being useful, on serving others to fill that void. He kept his chin up and his shoulders set but he still felt that longing, that desire to close his eyes and go back in time to when everything made more sense and felt like home.
The Captain sighed again and wiped his face with his free hand as he shifted his body to lay down, facing his friend who was still pressing his wet check into Steve's warm, calloused palm.
"Even though I miss them, I miss our lives from back then, our past,….. I am still so thankful that at least I have you Bucky,…. Even when I had nothing… I have always had you,…. And you will always have me too Buck,…. You will always have a home with me,….. you're not alone,….. Cuze I am with you….." Steve swallowed and before he could finish the line Bucky's eyes fluttered open, tired and needy, lip still in a pout.
"Till the end of the line Stevie?" Bucky asked softly as he breathed out his own quivering sigh, finding comfort in the mantra of their friendship that Steve had used to first spark his friend's recognition and break him away from the cold, detached world of the Winter Soldier.
"Yea Buck,….. Till the end of the line." Steve made the familiar promise as he used his other hand to card through Bucky's long locks of hair soothingly, his friend's eyes blinking shut in exhaustion as they both fell back asleep, comforted by the knowledge that at least with each other, they could have a piece of home.
