If you're jumping to the last chapter today, please go ready chapter 8 first...Leibeezer being sweet as usual and asking me to hurry up so here's an extra for a weekend treat.
We're staring at each other for a long while not saying anything.
My brain overrides the warm feeling in my heart and I jump up, grabbing my hoodie and putting it back on. He's sitting up staring at me wearily. He reaches for me but I move back.
"I need to get going," I say as calmly as I can.
"Bella," he says getting up. "No, don't. Fuck!" He runs his hand through his hair and I find myself wanting to do it too but I turn and start walking. I can hear him behind me but he doesn't try to stop me. I'm trying to walk as carefully as I can with all the alcohol in my system.
Jasper and Emmett are still sitting outside as we near them.
"Wow, that was fast," Jasper jokes and I can almost feel the death glare I am sure Edward throws his way.
"I'm calling it a night guys," I smile, not wanting to embarrass Edward in front of them. This is my issue to deal with.
I grab my bag and keys from the table and wave as I get into the car. He's standing there looking at me with a frustrated glare. I know he's not angry with me. But I also know he's just about kicking himself at the moment.
I reverse carefully and drive very slowly out of the caravan park. A split second decision finds me making my way to the parking lot at the beach and I turn the car off. I grab the bottle of wine on the back seat and scratch in the cubbyhole for cigarettes. I thank my mom when I find a packet with a few and a lighter. Taking her back up cigarette stash and my bottle I make my way to the beach and almost fall down on the cold sand.
Fuck, what the hell? What was that? Was that an 'I love you' meaning I love the fact that you're so willing or was it an 'I love you' meaning way much more than it should? The tears start streaming down my face as I light a cigarette. I open the bottle of wine and thank whoever thought of screw tops instead of corks. I take a long lug and find it disgustingly warm but I ignore it. I also ignore the fact that I'm probably going to puke my guts out later as well and take another gulp.
The cigarette burns my throat. I hate Benson & Hedges. Loathe it as much as I loathe Paul Revere but hey, beggars can't be choosers.
I'm sobbing now but I don't even try to stop it. The thing is, I've time and again admitted to myself that I feel more for Edward than I should. I've known him a total of five days. Five days! Can you love someone in five days? My heart beats faster at the question I pose myself and I know the answer to it. It's a simple yes. Who defines what love is? Who? Who gets to tell me or anyone else for that matter that they can't love someone instantly? What bullshit is that? If I know what I'm feeling then why must I conform to society's laws regarding a fucking waiting period to tell someone how I feel? Why should I push Edward away because some stupid asshole long ago thought Romeo and Juliet were idiots and that love should grow over time?
As I wipe my running nose on my sleeve I look to the side and see a lone figure walking towards me. I can't make out who it is but I don't care. I'm drunk and I'm armed with a half a bottle of very good wine so either they'll kill me straight away or I'll offer them a drink. I laugh out loud at the thought through my tears that just won't stop.
As the person comes closer I see it's Jasper and I make to get up and leave before he sees me in this state.
"Bella, wait!" he shouts jogging closer. Damn it. I sit down and decide that I actually don't care what he thinks. I take the last drag of my cigarette, kill it and light another one right away.
He plonks himself down next to me. "Mind if I share?" he asks lightly. I look at him and I see the shock on his face when he sees my surely red blotched face.
"Man, are you okay?"
"Do I look okay?" I ask sarcastically, offering him a cigarette which he takes and lights. He grabs the bottle out of my hand, takes a gulp as well and gives it back.
"Sorry Bella. I had no idea you were down here. I took a walk over to the beach and saw your car parked here."
I don't answer, I just take another gulp of wine and I keep on crying.
"Hey, I know you don't actually know me but if you need to talk I'm a good listener."
"Thanks Jasper, but I don't think it appropriate discussing your best friend with you."
He takes the bottle again but doesn't say anything.
And then something happens. Like a gate of emotions opening and rushing out before I can stop it. "The thing is, I really like Edward. And I know he likes me. And both of us want to try and see where this thing will take us but I'm scared Jasper. I'm really scared. I'm not going to go into details but I just came out of a very abusive relationship and I'm broken."
I'm crying to hard now and I feel his hand on my shoulder. I look at him and I know I must look so pathetic. My voice is a whisper now. "I'm so broken I don't know if I'll ever be fixed. But every day I spend with Edward I feel a bit better. A bit myself, you know. Like someone could actually love me for whom I am. Thing is, I don't feel so worthy and it baffles my mind that someone like Edward could actually like me. Love me." I take a deep breathe. "He told me tonight he loves me and I can't wrap my head around it. I tell myself it's too soon but then I tell myself who says. Who says we can't feel what we feel." I take another gulp. "I just don't know Jasper. And not knowing scares the shit out of me. I know Edward would never hurt me physically but I'm so caught up with him that if he drops me…who's going to fix me then?"
He's quiet for a while as we both stare at the breakers. I shiver and he moves slightly closer, letting our shoulders touch and I lay my head on him.
"Shit. Well, that's a lot to process. Look, I don't have answers. All I know is that you seem like a really amazing woman. A beautiful woman that's been treated badly and now has the chance to be happy but it seems you can't allow yourself happiness because you feel you don't deserve it. My advice is to test the unknown waters. To hell with being too scared. Just do it."
I look at him while he talks. "It's like our job. Every time we get on that boat we know there's a good chance we won't be coming back. But we do it anyway. The thrill of it overrides the fear. You've got to learn to let go Bella. Just let it be. Just live."
I know he's right. He knows he's right. I'm so drunk right now but I know he's right.
I start laughing then. I don't know why but I do. It seems to be infectious because he's laughing with me suddenly and I'm crying and laughing and wiping my nose on my already wet as hell hoodie sleeve.
"Come on, let me take you back. You're in no condition to drive that car home. If you don't want to come back to our place let me take you home and I'll walk back."
"I'll come back to you rather. Less questions to answer tomorrow if my mom happens to see me like this with her car."
I get up and almost lose my balance but he grabs me from the side. And then it happens. I try to stop it but it doesn't help.
I bend over and my stomach contents come pouring out. It's gross and I'm too drunk to be embarrassed as Jasper holds my hair back and rubs my back.
"That's it," he laughs. "Let it out, you'll feel better."
"Fuck off," I mumble before my stomach heaves again. I can taste wine and tequila and smoked ribs and it feels like forever before I straighten myself.
He's still laughing and I chuckle. "Wow, that was totally disgusting," I manage.
"Yeah it was. Wish I had a camera." He's laughing so hard he's holding his stomach. I think we're going to be good friends.
"Shut it." He's still holding me as we walk up to the car. He drives us back to the caravan park and locks the car.
"Edward's in his room. Emmett is sleeping. I think I'll hit the deck as well."
I make my way into the bathroom with my bag to brush my teeth.
As he opens his bedroom door I touch his shoulder from behind. "Thanks."
"Anytime."
I brush my teeth three times before heading into Edward's room. The light is off but he's sitting up against the wall on the bed.
I close the door. He hasn't moved. I feel stupid and I don't know what to do.
"Hey," he says quietly.
"Hi. Um, is it okay if I stay over?"
He gets up in an instant and grabs me to him, holding me tight. I wrap my arms around him and hold on for dear life. I can't let him go. I can't let this go, this thing we have.
"I was worried about you. Where were you?"
"On the beach. Jasper found me and brought me back."
"Good," he whispers. "That's good."
"Look Edward, I know we need to talk but I'm exhausted and drunk and I really need to lie down."
"I understand. Come on then, take those clothes off."
I do as he says and he pulls one of his shirts over my head. I curl up in a pitiful ball in bed and he curves his body around mine from behind. I think I instantly fall asleep.
I wake up and check my phone groggily. It's three in the morning and my mouth feels like a desert storm hit it. I slowly disentangle myself from Edward and make my way to the kitchen. I hit the jackpot when I spot a bottle of orange juice in the fridge and I gulp down two glasses before I stop shaking. I'm so hung over and my throat is raw from getting sick last night.
I make my way to the bathroom and again brush my teeth just in case the three times last night didn't help.
I get back into bed and find I can't go back to sleep. Edward is facing me and I watch his peaceful breathing, his serene face and I want to touch him. And I do. I move the blankets down and start at his face, lightly tracing my fingers over his brow, the bridge of his nose, his lips. I move down caressing his throat, letting my fingers wander over his gorgeous arms, his stomach, hesitating before I slide my hand into his pants.
He moves then ever so slightly, moaning a delicious moan. He's hot there and hardens at my touch instantly.
I look back up to his face and see him looking at me. I softly put my lips to his and he opens immediately, my tongue meeting his half way. I can't stop staring into his eyes. My hand moves out of his pants and around his waist and I pull myself closer to him, wrapping my leg over his. I don't know why but my need for him is a sudden dull ache spreading through my body, a need taking over as I sit up and pull his shirt over my head. I pull his pants down his legs and straddle him. He sits up, kissing me again, holding my face in his hands so softly, almost as if he's afraid I'll crumble into pieces. If only he knew I'm crumbling inside.
I lift myself and slide back down and the feeling of him inside me is a glorious friction I lose myself in. I move slowly and he moans into my mouth. I want to stay like this forever, just like this. When I'm with him this way nothing bad can touch me.
My hands are in his hair, holding him close.
"I'm sorry about tonight," I whisper.
"Me too. But I'm not sorry about what I said."
I nod, acknowledging that I know. I think I knew when he said it. I just didn't want to admit it to myself.
"You feel so good Edward. In every way, you feel so good."
My movements are faster now and I know it won't be long before I'm falling apart over him. He knows it too because his arm snakes around my waist, holding me tight. He knows my body so well already.
"Edward, I think I love you too," I finally admit. It's a breathy confession as my body works towards that feeling of utter bliss. I needed to tell him. I need him to know.
It's his turn to nod. "I know Baby. I think I knew it before you."
I whimper as I stand atop the clouds, floating…and then I crash. My body tenses around him and he has the good mind to kiss me as I moan loudly into his mouth because I just can't seem to care that we aren't alone.
He's not far behind and when he moans as well I feel him jerking inside of me, his hand fisting in my hair and I marvel at my ability for making him feel so good. In this moment, we belong not to ourselves, but to each other.
I move to get off but he pulls me down and I lay my head on his chest, his heartbeat slowly returning to normal.
"I've been trying to figure this out so much," I start. "Analyzing every move we make, every emotion we're caught up in." I lift my head, propping my chin on his chest. "But I've realized that I'm spending so much time playing the devil's advocate that I've lost sight of what's really important. Which is us. You and me together, that's the only thing that matters to me right now. And on some level that bothers me, the fact that I'm basing my happiness on us but Jasper said something last night that hit home."
He looks at me questioningly, rubbing his hands over my thighs.
"He said that in order to be happy I needed to let go and just dive in. He said some other things too but I think I know what he means. I want to try Edward. I know there's always a possibility of disappointment in everything we do in life but I'll never forgive myself if I don't try."
He sits up and gently flips me over, hovering over me. "You have no idea how I feel right now. I think I could possibly be the happiest guy on earth at this very moment. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this work."
His hand moves lightly over my shoulder and settles on my neck. I don't flinch and I can still breathe. "See," he says moving closer. "That right there is trust. A few days ago I wouldn't be able to do that without seeing the panic in your eyes. And trust is the basis of any relationship. If we have that down then we're halfway there."
His kiss is so full of adoration and passion that I feel his worship fill my body. I'm very aware that he's rock hard inside of me again and when he starts moving I wrap my legs around his waist, pulling him deeper because it feels like I can't get close enough.
This is different. It's more. My admission of love has opened a whole new level to the way we touch each other, the way we kiss, the way we make love.
We only stop when the birds start singing and we fall asleep with the tendrils of our love snaked around our hearts.
