(Stacey)
Dear James,
I'm sorry I didn't write to you for so long. I was so stupid and there's so much I need to tell you!
Ok, it's all William's fault. I was in a… relationship with him, I guess. It wasn't a real relationship, because he never loved me, not like I loved him. But it's all over now. William is gone.
I loved him so much. I guess, in a way, I still do. But I love you more. You are my brother, even if William was my first love. Brothers are forever, right? If you were here, I'm sure you'd had something smart to say and I'm sure you'd protect me. You wouldn't be like Melissa's brother, that jerk!
Anyway, remember how I told you that I broke up with William? Well, we got back together. It was great at the time, William can be so wonderful when he wants to. And those blue eyes of his! OMG, James, he's so incredibly handsome! There's something about how he looks at me, how he raises his eyebrow or even rolls his eyes at me… But his smile! Those lips! God, he tastes like danger and adventure!
There's one thing I haven't told you yet. I've lost my virginity to him! Do you think it's wrong because we are minors and all? But I loved him, doesn't it count? I was ready, I know I was because I liked it and I didn't regret it. And it only got better, you see, we became lovers…
Don't think that William was just using me. He never tried anything, I asked him. It took some convincing, but he eventually agreed to try. He said that he didn't want to die a virgin and that he would never fall in love, so he might as well do it with me… It's not very romantic, I know, but he didn't mean it like that. He just… He doesn't know what he wants, you know? One day he would tell me he doesn't need sex and girls, and the next day he would text me suggesting some new sex-stuff he found online. I learned so much from him, and it's amazing because he learned all that just by reading stuff! He thought we could be friends with benefits, but I didn't want that. I wanted him to love me, but he never did. I broke up with him thousands times, but I could never resist him when he asked me out again. So it's like, we were never together, only when we were actually together, but we would break up before going home, and it almost always ended like that…
But it's not like he wanted to be with other girls! It was always only me. I know that! That's part of the reason I could never say no to him, because I didn't want him to go to somebody else! That would have killed me!
Mom and dad didn't know about him. I know they wouldn't approve. They are so old and they don't understand anything. It's so hard with them! I feel like I live with people from Ice Age or something! But I know you understand. I can feel it in my heart. You are the only person who is always with me and I'm grateful for that. I'm sorry that I neglected you for a while, but even when I didn't write to you I thought about you every day! It's hard being an only child to people who are so old! I wish mom had me when she was a teenager! She would be in her thirties now, wouldn't that be cool? Ok, she would still be old, but not too much, like now! It takes her forever to stand up if she's sitting and things like that. And dad is always sick…
William's parents are also old, but they are still younger than ours! And they are FBI agents, can you believe it! William wanted to be an FBI agent, too. But he is gone now, so… He didn't even live with his parents, but with their boss! Weird, right? His parents separated and kind of went crazy, so he moved in with that man, Skinner. He's William's god-father, which is super awkward. Who would ask their BOSS to be a god-father to their child? Ewww….
But you know, it's because he's parents are also crazy, William could understand me so well. Also his sister died, I told you about her. Well, guess what? He had one more sister, who died before he was born! But it was only a half-sister and Molly was adopted, so they didn't have the same bond that you and I have. Maybe that's why William could never understand me completely, even if he understood me better than anybody else. Well except for you. No one will ever understand me the way you do…
So, William's life was wrong in so many ways, but it's hard to pinpoint exactly what made him so angry and cynical. He had many friends, but didn't care about them much. He would help everybody and all, but wasn't really close to anybody. Everybody knew him, but no one really knew him. He didn't even care.
He thought me how to smoke! It's was awful at first, but now I'm totally addicted, haha! I know it's wrong, but I feel so adult and it really gives me confidence. I could stop if I wanted to, but I don't want to. Not now at least. I just want to get through High-school and then… Well, I want to move to LA! Not forever, but I want to go to college there. You know it's always been my dream, and mom and dad told me they have enough money saved! I just have to study hard for the next two years, but it's not impossible.
I'm sixteen now, so I finally got a driver's license! Yay! I was scared to drive at first, but it turned out I'm a pro, lol! William was in the process of getting his, but then… Oh, I still haven't told you what happened to him.
Do you even want to know? I mean, he's nothing you, and now he's nothing to me too. Ok, he will always be my first, but other than that… It's not like he wanted more anyway.
So… We got into some bad stuff. I can't tell you all about it, because if mom or dad ever found my journal… Or if anybody read it… It's not just because they would punish me, it's much bigger than that! Honestly, it's a federal secret! It's the reason why my William is no longer here…
I've told you his parents are FBI agents. Well, they are not regular FBI agents, they work with really weird stuff, like vampires and ghosts and aliens… William told me lots of stories, and I didn't believe any of them, until…
He stole some papers from his parents' work. They call them The X-Files. He was going to give them back, but he was bored and wanted to practice working on the field, like a real agent, you know?
It was something stupid. I didn't understand half of it, and it didn't sound dangerous at all, so when he asked me to go with him I said yes. I just wanted to be with him, it didn't matter what we did. Well, I hoped we would at least have a chance to make out, but things got wrong. So wrong!
I can't tell you more. Nobody can know what we saw. It's too dangerous. But something happened to William and I run to get help, but I fell. Then I heard someone and I was afraid. I didn't know if they were friendly or not, so I didn't dare to move. When they got closer I saw they were a man and a woman with FBI jackets. I heard a man say "Scully" and so I knew it was his parents. Scully is William's last name. They went straight to… where William was.
That was the last time I saw William.
I didn't follow them. I run home. Maybe it was wrong from me to just leave William, but I left him with his parents. He didn't need me. I was afraid that my parents would find out and you know how strict they are. I panicked. It was all his idea! Why did he have to live so dangerously?
The next day at school we were told William was in the hospital. No one ever said why. After a week, they've told us William moved. Nobody knew where. He had so many friends and nobody knew anything! The only thing I could find out was that his parents are still here, so they didn't move with him. His god-father is also still here. I guess… I guess what we found was so dangerous that he had to go into a witness-protection program. It means I will never see him again! Or maybe he's dead… But why would his death be a secret?
Well, at least now I understand that the X-Files are a dangerous job. We never should've played with that! If I could turn back the time… But I can't, can I? There's no point thinking about it…
I'm still in shock, James! It's all still fresh in my mind, and I can't talk about that to anybody! I'm afraid they would disappear, like William did. Or worse, I could get killed! James, I'm shaking while writing this! Writing to you calmed me at first, because I had so much harmless stuff to tell you about, but now that I've gotten to the dark part… I didn't even mean to get there, I just wanted a distraction, but it was stronger than me. I think I'm going to burn this journal now. No one can ever know what happened to me, not even the little bits that I've told you. So please don't tell anybody, and if you can somehow protect me, please do! Talk to the god, or angels, or something… I will buy a new journal and write you in that one, ok? But I will never talk about William again! He was my biggest mistake, but all I did, I did out of love! I swear! I know you believe me.
I love you, James! Please watch after me!
Xoxo Stacey 3 3 3
