Disclaimer: All of the characters, concepts, and anything affiliated with the Merlin franchise belong to the BBC. The rest of the work belongs to me and should not be copied in any way, including translations, without my explicit consent.
AN: Hello! Sorry I've been a bit shit at updating, but I have an archive of our own account and it's much easier to post there and that's what I've been doing every week and I seem to always forget to update here as well.
Anyways, thanks to those who reviewed, favourite, and put this on story alert; I appreciate it. Sorry I haven't replied to your reviews, but everything's been a bit hectic. Just blocked another chappie so that's good news! Should (probably) remember to update here on Saturday as well. If not, I apologize in advance.
Thanks for reading!
Warnings: Homophobia, self-hate, underage sex, underage drinking, drug abuse, and internalized homophobia
Know When to Walk Away
It's been three weeks since the party at Elena's and they've still been avoiding each other.
He' still confused and he's not sure how he feels about being gay, or how it'll affect his life at home or school, but he knows that he feels something for Merlin. And right now, that's enough for him to go out on a limb and explore. Arthur knows that they would be good together, like really good. Sure they'd probably fight and disagree with each other more often than not, but he knows that what he feels for Merlin outways all of the shit that could come at them.
He's not going to give that up.
So he tries to become a part of Merlin's life; to become a friend. He sits next to him at lunch, he tries to chat with him when they're at school, he invites him, Freya and Will to go to the pub with the rest of their friends, he goes to his art show; he tries to have Merlin as a part of his life. At least as a friend, if nothing else.
So he stays silent as he watches him flirt and be flirted at by Morgana, Nimueh, and random guys when they go out. Trying not to, Arthur can't help but watch as Morgana and Nimueh flirt and giggle with Merlin, as Nimueh is leaning in to Merlin, touching him. He watches as Merlin does nothing to discourage this.
But he holds himself back.
Merlin isn't his boyfriend (yet… maybe he thinks). He's barely his friend, and that's what he wants to be right? His friend; giving himself time to wrap his head around everything. But, it's difficult when he wants to be the one to put his hand on Merlin's thigh, to brush shoulders when sitting together, to be the one dancing with him.
He tries so hard, and for the most part, he's successful. Merlin sometimes catches him watching him, and most of the time he'll just look away and pretend that Arthur's not watching him. Again.
He tries to get to know Merlin, Merlin continues to ignore him, and everything's settled. Sort of. Not really.
It's shit, really.
And it gets worse.
Leon's parents are away for their anniversary and he's planned his annual "Guys Night Doing Whatever as Long as it Doesn't Fuck Up My House" (which was just a glorified sleepover made to sound "manly") and Arthur asks him to invite Merlin. Leon, who remembers Merlin's brownies, is extremely enthusiastic of the idea of inviting Merlin.
At the end of the day, Merlin corners him at his locker with a frown on his face.
"Why are you doing this?"
Shutting his locker, Arthur shrugs his shoulder, "What?"
Merlin crosses his arms and furrrows his brows, "I don't like pool, or darts, or poker, or Bruce Willis films."
"Your point?"
"My point," he steps closer, "is: why did Leon invite me to his place this weekend?"
Arthur knows that his affection for Merlin is clear on his face, but he can't look away. He stares at Merlin and with a self-depricating smile on his face he says, "Because I asked him to invite you."
Merlin looks at him with sad eyes and sighs, "I thought we agreed you needed to sort yourself out." He shakes his head and runs his hands through his hair. "You have to stop doing this, Arthur. You can't keep inviting me to these things and expecting me to just -" he waves his hand in the air.
Getting frustrated, Arthur cenches his hand, "To what?"
Merlin stares at him, angry, "To let you into my pants and then deny it ever happened." Arthur looks at him with shock and anger as Merlin continues, "I'm not some experiment you can have a one off with and then pretend it didn't happen just so that you can still be Daddy's Perfect Boy. I'm not a fuck and run, so just stop with all this."
Hurt and upset by Merlin's assumptions of him, Arthur takes a step closer and asks, "You really think that I would do that?"
Merlin lets out a humourless laugh, "You already did."
"Listen, I know you and I don't exactly have the best track record," Merlin rolls his eyes at this but Arthur ignores it and continues, "but I thought you at least knew me well enough to know that I would never want to hurt someone like that." He looks Merlin in the eye and tries to convey how much Merlin means to him, "Least of all you," he says shakily.
Arthur leaves Merlin in front of his locker and heads towards the doors leading to the carpark before he turns around and adds, "And just so you know, my first thought when I see you is not 'I want to fuck that boy.'"
Merlin nods, "I know."
Arthur ploughs on, "We've kissed. Twice. It was nice, but it's also nice just being with you. When you're not being an idiot." Shaking his head Arthur leaves Merlin standing dumbstruck in the middle of the hall and makes his way to the carpark, ready to go home.
In the car, Arthur slams his fists on the steering wheel, upset that Merlin would think so low of him. He tried so hard to be a good friend to Merlin, to get to know him and to have Merlin know who he is, who he really is. Apparently, all Merlin sees is what he wants to see. He hasn't tried to get to know Arthur at all, all he's done is dismissed him time and time again.
Is it even worth it? Should he even be wanting to get closer to Merlin now, now that he knows how little Merlin thinks of him?
He's not a bad person. He tries so hard to be a good son, brother, friend, student. It's difficult trying to please everybody and stay true to who you are. But he's trying. All for Merlin, because Merlin deserves to be with someone like that; a good person.
But so does Arthur. He deserves someone who won't think he's an abonormal son, an annoying brother, a shit friend, and an all around horrible person. He deserves someone that can see the good in him and can help him be a better person and help him figure out who he is and what he wants in life. What he doesn't deserve is someone who thinks that he has no feelings for others and considers them a "fuck and run."
He would never do that; not to Merlin.
With that, he starts the car and drives home. He doesn't look back at the school to see if Merlin's there, wanting to talk and apologize. He drives all the way home and doesn't look back.
