Forlorn Battles
He woke up too late for breakfast the next morning. Too late for his first lesson actually. It took him a moment to remember what he was doing here in the infirmary. He would rather have gone straight back to his room last night but hadn't felt up to arguing with McGonagall any longer and had finally given in.
He sat up in his bed and closed his eyes for a moment in response to the headache that immediately set in as soon as he moved. Glancing over at the armchair to his left he found his cloak and his boots and realised quite relieved that he was at least still wearing the rest of his clothes. Slowly, trying not to trigger the headache again, he got out of bed just to sit down in the chair and put his shoes on.
Feeling ready to leave yet? He heard Madam Pomfrey's voice from the other end of the room.
He muttered, reached for his cloak and got up from the armchair again. For a second he just stood there and waited for the world to stop spinning while trying to convince himself that he really did feel ready to leave. Slowly he started walking towards the door but as soon as he stepped out onto the corridor he was stopped again by McGonagall standing right in front of him.
So you're doing well again? She stated more than asking.
Couldn't be better. Severus replied. He didn't want to look at her and kept staring down the corridor behind her. She had seen him weak and that was something he didn't like at all. He definitely wouldn't admit to her now that he actually still felt like falling over and dying right here and now. Well, compared to last night he really felt great, didn't he?
Very well. McGonagall said. No need to hurry to get to your lessons, Professor Kohanek agreed to substitute for you today.
How very kind of him. He replied.
Indeed. The headmaster would like to speak to you.
Tonight. He's away to London at the moment but he should be back before midnight.
He wants to talk to me in the middle of the night? Now that should be something important...
I will be there. Severus replied. If you'd excuse me now? I have some work to do.
McGonagall watched him walking past her and along the corridor, wondering if he really might have something to do although he wouldn't have to teach today or if he had just tried to get away from her. Then again, if that was the reason, he would probably simply have told her - in a very elaborate way - that he found her presence unbearable and thus would be leaving now. She smiled to herself. Yes, that was more like him.
Severus reached his room without running into anyone else, slammed the door shut, drew the curtains closed and sat down at his desk. He glanced over at the two piles of parchments in the corner of the table and decided that he would not grade those essays now. Later. First he would get some rest.
He lay down on the sofa, closed his eyes and before he could even decide if he should rather count sheep or go through the ingredients of a few potions he was already asleep. He had expected the nightmares to come back.
Outside lightning flashed and thunder roared. Heavy raindrops were hammering against the windows. In here it was dark, the only light coming from the pale full moon. He lowered his gaze to the lifeless body on the ground in front of him. Slowly he followed the outlines of the figure, from the feet along the legs to the blood soaked shirt. He stepped over the body, kneeled down and reached out for the large knife still stuck in the young man's chest. For a second he wondered where the others might be. He wasn't here on his own. Carefully he tightened his grip around the cold metal and tried to pull the knife out of his victim's body. It wasn't as easy as he had expected. It was the first time he had ever stabbed someone and he now knew that he definitely preferred his wand over the knife. But well, there hadn't really been a choice after he had been hit by the disarming spell. That's what he carried that knife around for after all. Out of the corner of his eyes he could see the man's face. His eyes were still wide open but now empty of the fear, hate and anger that had flickered in them only a minute ago. Empty of everything.
At least it's over for you, mudblood. He muttered.
Lightning flashed, illuminated the dark corridor, and for a split second he didn't look into those empty dead eyes anymore but into the deep black sockets of a skull. He gasped for breath and quickly closed his eyes. When he opened them again the skull had turned back into the pale, expressionless face. Forcefully he pulled the knife out of the dead body and put it back beneath his cloak, not even noticing that it was still dripping with blood. There was blood just everywhere, on the floor, on his clothes and on his hands. He wiped his hands on his cloak but the blood wouldn't come off. He rubbed his hands but still, the blood wouldn't come off.
You'll have that blood on your hands forever.
He knew that voice. He didn't know who it belonged to before he turned around, but he knew that voice didn't belong here and now.
What are you doing here? He asked in a low voice, staring at the apparition out of narrowed eyes. That was Albus Dumbledore, no doubt, but he looked more like a ghost, standing at the end of the dark corridor and surrounded by a bright white light, so bright it made his eyes hurt.
No, that's not the question. He replied in a low voice. The question is, what are you doing here? He looked past the younger man, down at the lifeless body and the blood on the floor. Look at that blood all over your hands, does it make you feel more like a man? Does it give you the power you're craving for?
You're not here. Severus muttered.
Was this all part of your plan?
You're not here. I'm not here. It's not real. None of this is real. His mind was on the verge of waking up, already awake enough to tell him this was nothing but an old familiar dream.
It is real, Severus. The ghostly vision of Dumbledore said. The past is as real as the future and the present.
It's not real! Severus shouted, turned away from him and closed his eyes, concentrating harder than ever before on forcing himself to wake up from this dream.
He was breathing hard and his heart was racing when he opened his eyes. He sat up on the sofa and rubbed his eyes. Glancing over at the clock he realised that the one or two hours of sleep he had planned on had actually turned into quite a few more. He shook off the feeling of anxiety that had been following him from his dream back to reality, went back to his desk and started reading those essays.
It wasn't fun. These kids either weren't very bright or simply paying no attention at all. He was half through the first pile of parchments - 5th years - and already started considering if he should stop to make his students write essays at all because this would at least spare him the pain of having to read this crap.
Now that's enough... He muttered and with a quick movement he crossed out a whole first page.
'Concerning the contents this is way below the mark. Since you also seemed to lack the time to correct your spelling and grammar mistakes, I expect you to write this essay again and hand it in tomorrow.' He wrote below the last line and set the parchment aside.
The sun was already setting when he was finished with those essays. There hadn't been more than five or six worth reading among them and only two good ones. And none at all that couldn't have been improved in some way.
He yawned, folded his arms on the table, lowered his head onto his arms and closed his eyes. What a tired day. Then he fell asleep.
A knock on the door woke him again. He quickly sat up straight, blinked a few times and ran a hand through his hair.
Come in. He said in a hoarse voice.
The door opened, Dumbledore stepped inside and smiled at him. I didn't wake you, did I? He asked.
Uhm... no. Severus replied, wondered why nobody every admitted to have been sleeping when asked for it and rose from his chair, doubting it really could be that late already.
Minerva told you I wanted to speak to you?
Yes. Yes, she did. How in the world did I manage to sleep a whole day through? Would you like me to come up to your office or...?
If you don't mind we'll just stay here.
Sure. Have a seat, please. Severus said and gestured towards the armchairs in front of the fireplace.
Dumbledore started as soon as he had sat down and looked around the room. How do you like your rooms? I don't think I asked you yet, did I?
Yes, it's... really nice, thank you. A little too sunny maybe.
Tell me about last night, Severus.
Severus hesitated.
Minerva told me you returned from your gathering in a not really too good condition. So what happened, why did he do that?
Severus smiled vaguely to himself. It's nothing too unusual, Voldemort has quite a capricious nature. He wasn't very pleased by the fact that five of his followers had been arrested and was probably just searching for a scapegoat.
So he was suspecting you to have given away this information? Dumbledore asked.
Severus replied. At the moment I simply have to be regarded as one of the usual suspects. I'm convinced he already knew who was responsible for this before questioning us.
The headmaster nodded silently.
Are you already feeling well enough to teach again tomorrow? He asked.
Of course.
If you'd rather take another day off that wouldn't be a problem.
No, Sir, I'm fine, really.
Very well. Dumbledore said and smiled at him.
Severus lowered his gaze. He couldn't look into his eyes. He didn't know why that man was trusting him but he did know that he wasn't worth that trust. He had lied to him before and he would lie to him again - whenever it would make life a little easier for him.
I'll let you get some sleep now, it's close to midnight already. The headmaster said and rose from his chair.
Severus stood up as well to lead him to the door although he was convinced that sleep was probably the last thing he needed now after sleeping the whole day already. He closed the door behind his visitor, waited for a few minutes, took the essays from his desk and then left the room as well to take them down to the classroom. He could just as well have taken them with him the next morning but he really felt like he needed to stretch his legs a little, just to do something other than sleeping.
Once he had put the essays into the upper drawer of his desk and placed everything Kohanek had obviously felt the need to move around back in its place, he stood in the middle of the classroom, not quite knowing what to do with himself.
I could really go and search for that ruddy cat of mine. He muttered to himself. Haven't seen him in days... He glanced around the classroom once more before he left to wander around the castle.
It was pleasantly dark and quiet in the corridors at this time of night. Nothing moved aside from his own shadow creeping along the walls in the flickering flames of the torches and he couldn't hear anything but his own footsteps. He had been walking like this for quite a while before he heard a sound he immediately identified as two cats fighting. A second later a cat that was very familiar to him came running around the corner. When it spotted him it came to a halt, stared at him for a moment and then started to slowly walk towards him.
There you are, I've been searching for you for ages. He said in a low voice.
The cat sat down in front of him and looked up at him expectantly. Severus sighed and shook his head when he noticed blood dripping off one of its ears.
I'm not going to pity you now. He said and bent down to pick his pet up from the floor. That's what you get from being such a hopeless troublemaker.
Carrying the cat in one arm he continued on his way up to the tower. It was a good place if you had some things to think about.
It was pretty cold and windy up there. No surprise really, after all it was already November. He had been standing at the balustrade and looking down onto Hogwarts grounds only for a few minutes when his cat suddenly hissed and jumped out of his arms just to stand next to him and stare into the darkness. He turned around as well and saw another cat emerging from the shadows that immediately transformed back into human form in front of him.
So it's yours. McGonagall said while looking down at the surprised cat.
It is indeed. Severus replied. You never sleep, do you?
We have met a few times before. She said, kneeled down in front of the cat and reached out to touch it. What's his name?
Severus muttered.
And it looks as if he had also met Mrs. Norris already. She said as she noticed the cat's bloody ear.
Severus frowned as he witnessed his cat not attacking her. Usually Sterling wasn't too fond of strangers. They had a lot in common there.
What are you doing up here? McGonagall asked as she stood up again.
He replied.
A good place for that.
For a while she stood next to him in silence, listening to the wind in the trees.
I think I've done something very stupid. Severus said eventually. He didn't even know why he had said this and why he was talking to her at all. Maybe because the bloody cat hadn't scratched her.
You always seemed to have a talent for that. She replied in a low voice and without looking at him. Walking straight into dead-end situations.
And can you tell me once more how to get out of it? His voice was barely more than a whisper.
If you tell me about it, I will try to.
Severus took a deep breath. I lied to Dumbledore. He said quickly.
Then go and tell him the truth. McGonagall replied calmly.
He was a little surprised. He didn't quite know what he had expected but he had thought there would at least be a reaction of some kind.
He won't forgive me. Severus muttered.
That's probably a risk you will have to take.
I deceived him when I had my magic powers restored. I deceived him again when I didn't tell him about it. I knew McKagan was going to die and I didn't do anything to change that. Could I have? Probably not. But I could have tried. I lied to him when I told him I hadn't known. And not to forget I lied to him when I promised him my loyalty. He won't forgive me.
Tell him now. McGonagall said. If you wait till tomorrow you'll have lost the courage to do it.
I don't even have enough courage now.
She turned away to leave and stopped again after a few steps. You know that if you don't tell him, I will have to.
He said in a low voice and followed her back into the castle.
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AN: Well, I don't really know if I'm very happy with this chapter and where it's leading. I've looked over it for a few times now but whenever I tried to change something important I ended up liking it less than before and since I could really use some reviews to cheer me up I decided to post it. Hope you don't hate it. Your reviews for my last chapter made me walk around with a wide grin on my face, so if you have a minute, leave me a comment!
carpathia: Thank you. The night the Potters died is something I also thought about a lot and this story is obviously leading to that point but since I haven't been able to come up with a satisfying theory I probably won't write much about it and rather wait for the next book ;) I'm glad you like this story and I do hope you'll keep enjoying it.
M: Thank you. I'm flattered.
shadowycat: Thank you. I'm so glad you still like it, good to hear you found that line funny :) I really appreciate your comments.
Ronnie: Thank you. I enjoy writing Snape and I'm glad to hear you think I'm doing a good job.
Futon: Thank you for continuing to read even though you didn't like the beginning!
Lady LaCroix: Thank you. I'm glad you find it interesting. But why is everyone getting suspicious about the Head of Slytherin? He's just some harmless, nice guy... or is he? ;)
