Chapter Nine
Present
I awoke the next morning curled around Paul, his bare skin cold against mine. I wiggle closer to him, trying to draw his body heat into me.
"You keep rubbing up against me like that," he murmurs from under his arm, "We're gonna have a serious problem."
Giggling softly, I turn my face into his chest and kiss his ribs. "It'll be you that has the problem," I retort.
"Jesus Christ woman, knock that off," he groans, rolling over me, his arm coming down beside me, pinning me to the bed. His dark hair falls around his face, curtaining mine.
"Knock what off?" I say, raising my hips off the bed, sliding them across his groin.
He slips a knee between mine, pushing my legs apart. Grasping my thigh, he raises my leg, pressing me down into the mattress. "Teasing your husband. It's not right."
"I'm not teasing you," I murmur.
"Yes you are," he groans as I push against him. "I have to get ready to go and you're lying here looking like a glimpse of heaven."
I dare him with my eyes to forgo his responsibilities, dare him to take the next step and give in. Paul's eyes darken as he accepts my invitation.
As the sun rises, filtering through the sheer curtains, we make love in the brightening day. It's fast and rough, him staking his claim on my body as I take what he's offering and stow it away for a day when I'll need it, relishing the way his rough fingers grasp the soft skin on my thighs.
The room fills with the moans and gasps, the Oh God's and Yes Pleases, the air humid with perspiration and desire. I shiver as release washes over me, taking me to that place where the light is white hot, and my body tingles, my scalp prickles, and my toes curl with one last gasp before collapsing back into the pillows with a content sigh.
Paul falls to his side next to me, his fingers dancing along my rib cage as his breath comes heavily, eyes smiling.
"You're wicked," he says when his breathing finally evens out.
I roll to my side, tucking my arm under my cheek. Reaching out with my free hand, I gently stroke his cheek. "It's the reason you love me," I tease him.
Paul chuckles as he pushes himself to a sitting position. Glancing at the clock, he sighs and stands, the bed protesting with a squeak. "I need to get packed so I can get back to the docks. I was supposed to be there forty-five minutes ago."
Shivering in the already cooling bed, I wrap the comforter around me, sitting up, my back against the headboard. "I wish you could stay longer," I sigh as he stuffs his clothing into his bag.
"I know, babe." Paul rushes around the room, grabbing t-shirts and jeans, throwing them haphazardly into his bag without folding them. "I'll try not to be out so long this time, okay?"
I nod silently as I draw my knees up to my chest, resting my chin on them. This is the worst part. Watching him pack, knowing that he's still here physically but mentally he's already gone.
When he zips his bag, the normally hushed sound echoes louder than gunfire in the space between us. Paul turns to me, slinging his bag over his shoulder.
"Well babe," he says. "It's that time again."
"I know," I whisper. This never gets any easier. No matter how many times I tell him goodbye, saying the actual words always manage to stick in my throat, choking me. I slid off the bed and pad across the room, clutching the comforter tightly against me.
Paul wraps his arms around me, tucking me against his chest and cradling me there for a long moment. I breathe in the fabric softener and cologne lingering in his shirt. I want to beg him to stay, the words smashing against my pursed lips as I try to hold them off.
Running his fingers through my curls, Paul exhales. I know that he's watching the clock, trying his best to walk the knife's edge, balancing precariously between trying to comfort me and take care of his obligations.
I release him with a resigned sigh and glance up at him. "Be safe, okay?"
He nods, grasping my face and dropping a chaste kiss on my lips. "Always. I'll call you tonight."
"Alright. I love you."
"I love you too," he replies.
One last kiss and then he's gone. The front door squeaks as he opens it, the screen door slamming shut behind him. His truck roars to life in the driveway, growling as the engine warms up. I rush to the front door and stand there as he backs the electric blue monster out of the driveway. It grumbles down the street, braking at the stop sign at the end of the road, his turn signal blinking in the morning sun.
Then he turns and fades out of sight. The refrigerator clicks on, humming softly in the kitchen. The clock ticks, the second hand a thunderous explosion in the otherwise silent house.
And just like that, the darkness descends again.
That night, unable to handle another minute in the too quiet house, I call Alice and beg her to come over. She arrives half an hour later, a brown paper bag brimming with Chinese takeout in one hand, a bottle of whiskey in the other.
She lets herself in and drops dinner on the coffee table before throwing herself down on the couch beside me.
"Hey lady, how's it going? You come here often?"
I snort and point to the arm of the sofa closest to her. "No, but I came there last night," I say with a suggestive wink.
Alice leaps off the couch, her face screwed up in disgust. "Oh my god, you guys are just nasty," she snips, reaching for the bag of steaming food.
Unpacking the cartons, she lines them up on the coffee table, hers on one side, mine on the other. I reach for a box of rice and pop the tabs, inhaling the delicious aroma.
"I'm just kidding," I tell her as I poke at the rice.
Alice shoots me a disbelieving glare and opens her own rice. "Sure you are."
"I am."
"Mhmm," she says, her mouth full. "How was your date last night? What did you guys do?"
I swallow as I open another container containing what I hope is chicken. "It was unbelievable. He took me out to a ballroom dance lesson. After that, we had dinner at this place called Aurora-"
"Where's that at?" she asks.
"Downtown. You ever hear of it?"
Alice shakes her head no as she shovels more rice into her mouth. "Gimme a cross street."
"It's down like, an alleyway, sort of. I'm not sure. We went down some side street between two buildings. I was petrified. I'm like, Paul, have you ever seen a horror movie? This is how they start. Horror movies and the backstory of Bruce Wayne. Alleyways are bad juju."
Alice snorts and reaches into the bag pulling out napkins and cans of perspiring diet soda. Popping the top, she takes a sip then hands me the second one. "Okay, so Aurora. What was it like?"
"It was outside, believe it or not. There's like a hotel, and a bar, you eat in the courtyard. It was gorgeous, unlike anything I've ever done before. After we ate, we went into the bar and had a drink and listened to some jazz music."
"That sounds, eerily might I add, just like what you told me you wanted to do."
"I know! I asked him if he called you for pointers."
Alice shakes her head no. "He didn't call me, which makes it even stranger."
"I know," I agree. "It was pretty perfect, though. At least until the end."
Flashes of Jake sitting at the bar with the pretty blonde draped all over him flicker through my mind. The way his eyes appeared almost black in the dim bar lighting, those same eyes going wide when he saw me, the flash of longing that was there and gone in the blink of an eye. I shiver as if he's standing here staring at me the same way he did last night.
"What happened at the end?" Alice asks.
"Paul went to pay the tab, I was waiting by the door and as I'm searching the bar for him, I see this girl that I swear I know from somewhere. So anyway, I'm standing there trying to figure out how I know her. She's with a guy, and I dunno, he feels me staring at them or whatever and he turns to look at me, and, you'll never guess who it was."
Alice's eyes are wide, dumbfounded. She shrugs and shovels another forkful of rice into her mouth.
"Come on, guess," I prompt.
"I dunno," she says around her mouthful of food. "Aaron Rodgers?"
I wrinkle my forehead as I stare at her. "Who?"
"Aaron Rodgers," she says slowly. "You know, the football player."
"No, dummy, it wasn't Aaron Rodgers," I say as I roll my eyes.
Alice sighs exasperatedly. "Who was it then?"
"Jake."
"No," she breathes. "What the hell was he doing there?"
I shrug, taking a bite of a spring roll. "It looked like he was on a date with the blonde chick. They were all over each other."
"He's such a piece of shit," she snaps, violently stabbing her fork into the paper container.
"Yeah, you're telling me."
"Did he see you?"
"Yep."
"What did he do?" she asks curiously.
"Stared at me. I may have sent him a message last night. I'm not sure. I was pretty out of it."
Alice's shoulders sag as she looks at me with disappointment. "I thought you were done with him?"
"I am. I just wanted him to know that I was done," I reply defensively.
"Bella," she sighs, her hands running through her hair. "No more talking to him. You told me you said your peace. Leave it be. Talking to him is like picking at a wound and wondering why it isn't healing."
I fight the urge to snap at her, to tell her to mind her own business. Battling it down, I take a calming breath and turn to my friend. "Alice, what's the one thing you want more than anything else in the world?"
She cocks her head, puzzlement lighting her features. "What do you mean?"
"If someone came to the door right this second and told you that he would give you whatever you wanted most, the thing you covet in secret, what would you ask for?"
"A private conversation with Kurt Cobain. Then I'd want him to sing for me."
"Seriously?"
Alice nods, her dark hair swishing back and forth. "Yeah. I loved him, loved his music. It spoke to me on some level. Made me think that things weren't as bad as I thought they were, that they could always be worse. I was devastated when he died."
"I get it. So, you want something that you can never have, right?"
"I guess so," she says slowly.
"That's kind of how it is for me. Part of me is always going to want Jake. I don't know if I'll ever be able to make that go away. Part of me is always going to want to know if I can have him whenever I say so. I like that feeling. It's powerful, intoxicating, especially after all the hurt he's put me through. To know that I can snap my fingers and have him come running makes me feel good."
Saying these things out loud was wrong, feeling them was worse. It was true, though, I liked the rush that coursed through me knowing that, especially now, all I had to do was say the words and he was mine, whenever, wherever. It was also kind of sick to play with his emotions that way.
A small part of me said he deserved it, that it was his karmic payback. A bigger part of me told me I was playing with fire and I would be the one who wound up getting burned. I didn't care, though. I knew I would like the way he made me hurt even if I hated every second of it.
"It's wrong," I add. "I know it is. It's wrong to mess with him. He'll wind up getting hurt, I'll get hurt and I know if Paul ever found out it would devastate him." Sighing, I drag my hands through my hair, tugging the ends until pain shot through my scalp. "I just can't figure out how to quit him."
"It's simple," Alice states. "Cut him out of your life, same way he cut you out of his."
I shake my head, shrugging my shoulders. "I don't know how."
Resting her hand on my arm, Alice eyes me sympathetically. "I honestly don't know what to tell you." She sits quietly for a moment, staring into the empty space over my head before she speaks again. "Maybe you need to get it out of your system. Whatever that means. Just…think about Paul while you do. He doesn't know what's going on and he's not asking to get hurt. Don't hurt him in the process of you figuring your shit out."
"I'm trying not to," I snap. "Everything I thought I knew has been turned on its head. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm so goddamn confused."
"What could you possibly be confused about?"
"I thought I loved Paul, I thought I was over Jake," I shout throwing my hands into the air. "I thought I was happy!"
"You either are happy or you aren't," Alice says seriously. "Just because something new has come along doesn't change the fact that Paul worships the ground you walk on. He loves you Bella, and I mean, really, truly loves you. He won't just up and leave you when the going gets tough."
Alice rises from the couch, her eyes angry, lips pursed. "I have to go."
I watch as she gathers her things. "Thank you for coming over."
She stops at the door, her hand on the knob she turns to me. "Yeah, no problem. I'll see you tomorrow."
The door slams behind her and her engine purrs to life, headlights illuminating the window. When she's gone, I sit on the couch and stare at the walls. The silence is back, buzzing loudly in my ears.
I reach for my computer, hoping to lose myself in something mindless for a few hours. As the browser page opens, a red number one glows in the message box.
Dragging the mouse across the screen, fear and excitement twist in my stomach. I click the icon and watch as the page loads, a new message from Jake waits at the bottom of the screen, the blue bubble flashing impatiently.
You looked stunning by the way. I should have told you. Don't think your husband would have appreciated that, though. As for what you think you saw, well, let's just say you're misinformed. You assumed what you wanted to assume based on past experiences with me. I get why you may have thought that she was my date; why you might have thought that I went out and found the next available girl after being blown off by you; you couldn't be more wrong about her or the situation. Meet me, I'll explain everything.
I exhale slowly, my entire body shaking violently. Flashes of last night float through my head as I picture how Paul looked in the dim light of Aurora, the way our bodies fit together like fingers in a custom glove as we listened to the band, how his hands held me with gentle firmness as he waltzed up through the dance lesson.
Did I need an explanation more than I needed the steady, unwavering peace Paul gave me?
Was I actually at peace with my life with Paul? With not having an explanation from Jake?
No, I decided. If I was, I wouldn't be sitting here weighing the pros and cons. I would simply tell him that I didn't need to see him; everything that needed to be said was said and we had reached the end of the road.
I would tell him that while he would always have a place in my heart, the rest of it was occupied by my husband.
I should.
But I know I won't.
Like I told Alice, I don't know how to quit him.
My trembling fingers float over the keyboard. Don't do it, the proverbial angel on my shoulder whispers. Listening, I pull my hands back, clenching them so tightly in my lap they turn white.
His last words pulse through my head. Meet me, meet me, meet me.
I reach out again as the proverbial devil cheers.
When and where?
