Can't Let Go: PT 2
Chapter Nine
ELIZA'S POV
My heart is breaking for my wife. I knew this would happen, though. I knew, and I was prepared for it. At least, I thought I would be. I thought I would be able to handle being spoken to how she did. I thought I'd be able to handle whatever came our way but I'm struggling. I'm struggling because I feel like I don't know her right now. I feel like at any moment, she is going to walk out of the door and I'll never see her again. Honestly, I don't even know what I'd do if that happened. I can't bear to think about it. I suppose it's perfectly possible but would I run after her? If she felt like she needed to leave, would I stop her? I'm not sure I could. She was right when she told Sanchez that she didn't understand yesterday. I'm not sure anyone could ever begin to understand what Arizona is going through. Me included. It's just hard seeing her like this. It's hard listening to her cry when she showers. How she groans when she sits down. It's hard seeing her so closed off and unsure about herself. I feel like I'm going to lose her.
Thankfully, she shared our bed last night…but it was different. It was different from the two nights previous when she allowed me to be close to her. When she kissed me goodnight and told me she loved me. Last night, she simply lay there and stared at the ceiling all night. Last night, I didn't feel the love between us. I just felt the anger. The humiliation. The embarrassment. I felt the seething deep within her and I didn't dare speak. If I did, she would've left. If I did, she would have said something she would've come to regret. Just like she had earlier in the day. I know she didn't mean it when she told me she had nothing at home keeping her busy, but it still hurt. In that moment, as our baby was kicking…it hurt.
Do I think this will change soon? No. I've never seen that kind of anger in my wife's eyes before and honestly, I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to help her through the anger when she has every right to feel that way. I mean, what do you say to someone who feels that way? What could anyone possibly say to Arizona to make her feel less angry? She was abused. She was beaten. She was raped repeatedly. How the hell does anyone even begin to work through that in their head? My opinion...they don't. They don't ever truly come out of a nightmare like that. Because that's what it is. It's a nightmare. One that replays every time you close your eyes. Every time you sit alone. Every time you blink. It's a nightmare and it's one that will be forever burned into my wife's mind.
Slipping my jacket over my shoulders, I grab my purse and head into the kitchen. Arizona is watching TV right now but I'm not entirely sure she is taking any of it in. Her chest is rising and falling, but inside…she's empty. Inside, she's slowly becoming less of herself. "I'm headed to the store…"
"Kay."
"Did you need anything?" I ask. "Some of those donuts you like, maybe?"
"No thanks."
"Okay, maybe a nice bottle of wine?" I don't know why I'm suggesting alcohol but I've got nothing else to give her right now.
"I don't drink when you're pregnant."
"But you could enjoy a glass." I shrug as I round the couch and stand in front of the TV. "What do you think?"
"No thanks."
"Did you want to come with me?" I raise an eyebrow. "Some fresh air might do you good…"
"And have people stare at me?" She laughs. "I'd rather not if it's all the same."
"People won't stare."
"Are you fucking stupid?" She glares at me. "The world knows what happened, Eliza. The world knows your wife was beaten and raped. Maybe if you take your head out of your ass…you would know that, too."
"Right, yeah." I clear my throat, tears threatening to fall. "See you later."
"Don't rush back." My wife sighs. "I'm not going to cut my wrists while you're gone."
"Why would you even say something like that?" My voice breaks as I turn to face her before I reach our front door.
"Because you're hovering." She gives me a knowing look. "You're hovering and right now…I'd rather you just left and got on with what you have to do."
"Then I will do that." I drop my gaze. "You know, I get that you are hurt and angry right now. I get that you have been through a horrific time…but I'm here for you. Even though you want nothing to do with me, I'm here for you anyway." Pulling my purse up onto my shoulder, I head out of the front door and climb into my car. We still have guys watching the house and following me around and yeah, it settles me a little. Knowing that my wife is safe at home…it settles me more than anything else could right now.
The gates opening, I pull out of our drive and the guy currently on watch gives me a nod of the head. Hitting speed dial on my hands-free before I pull onto the main street, I wait for my call to connect and grip my wheel tight.
"Eliza, is everything okay?" Barbara's voice filters through the speakers of my car.
"No, Barbara. Nothing is okay…"
I've been at Barbara's home for thirty minutes or so, and when I arrived here…I had a meltdown. She knows how hard I'm working to make things as easy as possible for my wife but I feel like the ultimate failure right now. How can I come here and break down when her daughter is going through the worst amount of pain imaginable? How can I sit here and cry to her when Arizona needs me? I'm pathetic but I've always been that way. I've always thought about everyone else before myself. Maybe she doesn't need me anymore. Maybe she doesn't want me anymore. Maybe…I should just disappear. It's probably what's best for my wife right now but I don't want to ask her. I don't want to have this discussion with her for fear of her agreeing. I can't do this alone. I can't give birth and look after my kids alone. Arizona has always been the stronger one out of us and that is changing before my eyes. It's changing and I'm not sure I'll ever get her back.
"Here…have this." Barbara drops down beside me and hands me a lemon tea. "You have to calm down, honey. This isn't good for the baby."
"Nothing is good for our baby right now…" I scoff. "Everything is falling apart, Barbara. Everything."
"Things will get better…"
"They won't." I shake my head. "She's completely shut down on me. She won't even look at me anymore."
"Do you want me to come and stay for a while?"
"No, the kids need you." I give her a small smile. "I mean, I want them home with us, but it's not a good time right now. Xavi and Soraya would ask questions. Questions I'm not sure we can answer."
"Do you think maybe Arizona would want to see them?"
"I know she does," I say with certainty. "You should see her face when she talks to them. It's the only time she really smiles."
"So, what should we do?"
"She won't allow them to come home." I shake my head. "She won't see them until the bruising has gone…and I understand that. I understand that she wants to protect them."
"Have you thought about maybe covering it with makeup?"
"N-No." I furrow my brow. "You think it would work?"
"I don't know but I guess we could try." Barbara shrugs. "Amazing what difference a little makeup can do."
"I'd have to ask her…"
"You know, I had thought about just showing up with them," Barbara admits. "Making up some excuse as to why she looks how she does."
"Oh, I'm not sure Arizona would like that."
"I know." She nods. "I just thought of it as ripping off the band-aid, you know."
"Yeah." I give my mother in law a soft smile. "I should head back." I sigh. "I've been gone longer than planned anyway."
"Call me, okay?"
"I will…and thank you." Pulling my mother in law into a hug, she holds me close and I know I'm okay. I know that one day…things will get better. They have to. "Don't tell the kids I was here."
"Whatever you want, okay?"
"I just…I feel bad enough that they're away from us. If they come home from school and know I've been here, they'll be upset."
"I understand." Heading for the door, Barbara gives me a reassuring smile and I make my way outside and down the drive. "If you need anything, you know where I am."
"Have you heard from Daniel and Tim?" I turn back.
"They're safe." She nods. "That is all I know."
"Okay." I breathe out. "You'll update me if you hear from them again?"
"Of course, honey."
"Bye, Barbara." Climbing into my car, I pull out of the drive and find another patrol car watching Barbara's home. I understand that Arizona feels like they're doing nothing but they can only work with what they have. Right now, that isn't a lot.
Furrowing my brow as the gates to our home open, I find another car on the drive and its one that I don't recognize. Yes, it's one that is just as expensive as our fleet but I've no idea who it is. Who it could be. Whoever it is, they're inside our home. I'd like to say I'm not worried, but I am. I am because Arizona will not see anyone and right now…she could be scared. She could be frightened. She could be terrified inside our home and once again, I'm not there to protect her. Pushing the door open, I can hear voices and thankfully, it doesn't sound like my wife's life is in any danger. "Hello? I'm home…" Moving through our home, I head for the kitchen and almost drop the grocery bags in my arms. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"Hi, Eliza." My sort of sister, Alexis, gives me a small smile. "Dad gave me your address."
"Why?" I spit. "Why are you here?"
"I just figured I'd come visit. See if you guys needed anything."
"Bullshit!"
"Eliza, that isn't necessary." My wife stands from her seat at the dining table, her coffee cup resting on the hardwood.
"No?" I raise an eyebrow. "I'll just leave then, huh?" Dropping the grocery bags down on the counter a little harder than necessary, I head for the yard and pull the sliding doors open. We haven't seen Alexis in at least three years. Over time, she kind of became something in our lives but we had no choice. If I wanted to see my dad, I had to grin and bear it. Christmas and Thanksgiving dinners became a common thing between us and Alexis was always there. We don't really talk, and that is why I'm shocked that she is here.
"Eliza…" Alexis follows me into the yard. "I'm sorry, I should've called."
"No, you shouldn't have done anything." I give her a knowing look. "You're not a part of our lives. We don't need you here."
"I just wanted to make sure Arizona was okay…"
"Like you fucking care." I scoff. "You ruined her life a long time ago and you aren't about to come in here and play the hero."
"That wasn't my intention." She shoves her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. I know she's been working on her attitude and her behavior but what's done is done as far as I'm concerned. I don't care how sorry she is for what she did to my wife…I don't like her and I certainly don't trust her.
"You can leave now…"
"Right, yeah." She nods slowly. "Just…don't fall out with dad over this."
"Go away." I pinch the bridge of my nose. "Please, for the love of god...leave!" Brushing past her, I head back inside and find Arizona sitting back at the dining table. "She's leaving!"
"Why?" My wife furrows her brow.
"Because I don't want her here…"
"So, what I want doesn't matter?" Arizona laughs, her eyes focused on the table. "Just like it didn't matter when I was on that fucking table…"
"Don't dare compare me to him." My voice breaks. "Don't dare."
"She's here to help me."
"Great." My heart sinks into my stomach. "I already feel like I'm losing you and now you have your ex in our home and you're spending time with her instead of me."
"It isn't like that." She says, barely above a whisper. "You know me better than that."
"Right now, I feel like I don't know you at all," I admit. "Why are you here?" I switch my gaze to Alexis. "Honestly…"
"Dad said you had called." She sighs. "That you were worried about the anger Arizona has inside."
"So?"
"So, I figured I'd offer my time to help her release some of that anger." She shrugs. "Boxing."
"Boxing?" I deadpan.
"It's just a suggestion." She holds up her hands. "It may not work for her, but it may be good for her, too."
"I am sitting here." Arizona cuts in.
"Look, I'm going to leave and give you guys some time to talk about this." Alexis shrugs her jacket on. "I came here because I didn't think Arizona would want to head out to a session. I have everything to get her going and I just wanted to help. Maybe it's an apology for the past, I don't know."
"Thanks, Alexis." Arizona stands and gives her ex a thankful smile. "Would you leave me your number and I'll call you tomorrow?"
"Sure, of course." The gorgeous brunette smiles. "I'm available whenever you need me." When she needs her? Alexis really should take a step back. Watching as she moves towards the front door, she turns back and gives me a sad smile. "I know you hate me, Eliza. You have every right to. Just…this isn't about me or us. This is about Arizona and her recovery."
"The fuck do you know about what she needs and her recovery?" I give her an incredulous look. "Don't bother coming back…"
"Just...I wanted to help, is all." The door closing, I head into the kitchen and find my wife watching me. That anger is still present in her eyes and I cannot bear it for much longer. I cannot sit here and watch her hate me and everything else in this world.
"That was being a real asshole." She studies my face.
"Do you forget what she did to us? To you?"
"It was a million years ago." Arizona stands. "And I'm done with it all."
"So, just like that?" I furrow my brow. "Suddenly you forgive her and want her around?"
"Maybe I do, Eliza." She sighs. "Maybe I do."
"Where are you going?" I breathe out as Arizona heads for the staircase.
"To my usual hideaway." She doesn't even bother looking back at me. She hates me. I know she does. "Enjoy the rest of your day."
"The kids." I clear my throat. "I think you need to see the kids…"
"Yeah?" She turns back. "And I think you're deluded if you really think they should be here right now…"
Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.
Hoping for another today/tonight if you guys want one…
