Was going to post this tomorrow but I'm really curious what you all think. A bit nervous about this one...
Ruth was annoyed by how long it was taking the security to clear her to get into Thames House. She'd left her ID at home because she hadn't thought she'd needed it at the hospital. The security guards were arguing amongst themselves about whether to let her through or not while she pulled out her phone. "Erin, can you please help me get onto the grid? Can you come down and assure security that I have no intention of blowing up the building?"
"I'll be right there," Erin said trying to hide her amusement. Ruth felt like every minute was taking an eternity, desperate as she was to hunt through Harry's desk.
Eventually she saw Erin appear with a smile. On the way back to the grid she turned to Ruth. "I assume he's awake," Erin said. "Otherwise you wouldn't be here."
"Yes, he's awake," Ruth said happily. "He's awake. He wanted me to find something in his desk, which is why I'm here."
"We haven't moved anything," Erin said. "I've been running the grid but I didn't want to go into his office."
"Thank you."
"Is he going to be alright?" Erin asked as they walked through the pods separately.
"I think so," Ruth said. "His breathings heavy and he's quite weak. Also, you know about the possible brain damage?" Erin nodded. "He's struggling with some words. He can't always say what he wants to but I'm hoping that'll get better with time. Anyway, he'll live."
"That's good." Erin paused before saying something which she'd been mulling over for a while. "He isn't coming back is he?
"I hope not," she said honestly. "Physically, he won't be able too for a good few months but I hope he'll be able to let this go."
"I hope you'll be very happy together," Erin said sincerely.
"Thank you."
Dimitri walked past quickly. "Erin, we need you." Erin looked at Ruth apologetically as she walked to her station. Ruth looked at Harry's empty office and swallowed. It felt wrong to be here without him. She opened the door and closed it behind her. Her hand stayed on the door and she quickly locked it. She wanted to be alone while going through Harry's desk. She pulled the blinds as well, not wanting others to be looking at her. She sat in his chair and tried to get the courage to open the drawer. Her eyes were fixed on it and eventually she reached for the handle and pulled it out slowly. There was a cardboard box there, about the size of a small shoebox. She picked the box up, resting it on the desk.
It took a long time before she felt brave enough to lift the lid. Her fingers shaking slightly, not knowing what she expected to see, she took the lid off. Nothing dramatic was her first thought. It just seemed like scraps of paper, at least on the top. She picked them up gently and unfolded them. As she began to read she realised what they were. They were letters written to her which he'd never sent. They were all dated, and she saw that they were all from her time in exile. Except one. But she'd turn her attention to that one later.
She slowly began to read, her heart swelling as she did. So much was written in them. He said that he missed her and that he loved her. He wrote that he hoped she was happy, wherever she might be. He said he wished he could talk to her. He was sure that the latest disaster wouldn't have happened had she been there. There were long paragraphs where he talked himself out of looking for her, knowing it was safer that way. Eventually she folded them carefully, knowing how much emotion had been put into writing them in the first place. Her hands were shaking slightly as she opened the final letter.
Ruth,
I'm guessing that if you're reading this I'm going to be in a pretty bad state. I may even be dead if you're reading this. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for so many things it would be impossible to write them all down, so I'll just stick to the main apologies you deserve. I thought about finding you so often when you weren't here. And then when you came back we just carried on the same way we always had. Neither of us saying anything but both knowing it was always there between us under the surface. I should have told you a thousand times how I felt about you. So I'll tell you now. I love you. I've always loved you and that will never change.
I never should have proposed to you like that. The moment the words were out of my mouth I knew I'd said the wrong thing and my timing was incredibly wrong. Did I really think that proposing to you at a funeral would make you say yes? Apparently I did, and I hoped. But you said no. I spent a long time wondering why. Did you not feel for me the way I feel for you? I watched you on the grid for hours at a time and couldn't convince myself that that was the case. The way your eyes kept flicking to my office. The concern on your face about me. So I still hoped for the best. I hoped that it was my timing that was wrong, not that you didn't care for me. I hoped.
Just when we seemed to be getting back to how we should be my past came back to haunt me. I am so sorry for how much it hurt you. I never wanted that. I could see how much just a mention of Elena hurt you and I hated myself for involving you in that whole stupid mess. I could see no other way out of it. Your intelligence and brilliance was, sad as I am to say it, necessary. But I hated hurting you. There are times when I look at you and I can see that you believe I am still in love with her. I don't know how to tell you the truth because I know you don't want to talk about it. I can see that. But I'll say now that I am not in love with her. I was once, a long time ago. I'll freely tell you that, even if it hurts you, because I won't lie to you. Even if you never read this and the chances are that you won't, I still can't lie to you.
Because I see how much this is hurting you, I'm going to let you go. I know the Home Secretary is after you, and I can't say I blame him. After all you are brilliant. You haven't told me but I know when you're hiding something from me. It didn't take much to work out he wanted you to join him in the Home Office. And I know that you're waiting to find an opportunity to talk to me. Its too dangerous for you here. There are so many things I want, but the most important thing to me is that you're safe. Its safer for you working for the Home Secretary than staying in Thames House. I should have encouraged you to move on but I didn't want to lose you. I couldn't imagine turning up to work everyday without seeing you. I've done that once before and selfishly I didn't want to face the prospect of doing it again. But if its best for you, of course I will. So if you ask me, I'm going to let you go. Even knowing how much it'll hurt to lose you. I can feel that this is not going to end well, the Gavrik debacle. I don't want you involved more than is absolutely necessary.
I'm putting this in a box with all the other letters which I wrote and never sent. I wouldn't have even known where to send them and I probably wouldn't have been brave enough anyway. I needed to write to you, even if you wouldn't read it. I couldn't take the loneliness. I needed to imagine that I had a way to talk to you, even if it was ridiculous. In this box, as well as these letters you'll find some pictures of you. I hope you don't mind but I liked to see your face. I needed to. Even after you came back from Cyprus I couldn't get rid of them.
There's also (a word hurriedly crossed out and illegible) something for you here. I didn't know what to do with it and I couldn't get rid of it. If you like, you can pretend you haven't seen it. I'm probably dead by the time you read this so I'll never know what you think anyway. Maybe its better that way. I'll leave you to think about that one. I love you. Please remember me that way if nothing else. As a man who loves you.
Harry.
Ruth turned her attention away from the letter and trying to keep the tears from falling. She saw several pictures of herself but didn't waste time looking at them. She found what she was after right at the bottom of the box. An engagement ring. She had guessed from the last paragraph what she'd see. But she wasn't prepared for the engraving around the inside of the white gold band. It was very simple and it seemed to be so them somehow. It said, "love doesn't need words." The round diamond was incredibly bright even in the dim office, and there were two deep sapphires either side. It was so beautiful.
She let the ring slide from her grasp and drop quietly back into the box. She cried, she couldn't help it. The emotion of the past week was finally catching up to her and she couldn't hold back anymore. Eventually her tears were spent and she breathed in deeply. She had a desperate desire to slip the ring on her finger, but she didn't. She would wait for him to ask her properly. There was no power on earth that would make her say no for a second time, even if he was idiot enough to propose at another funeral.
I'm not sure I've pitched the emotion quite right here but I hope it's okay. More as soon as I've written it.
Also I've added a link on my profile to what I think Ruth's engagement ring could look like.
