Chapter 9:
"Darcy called." Leah tells Loki, sitting beside his hospital bed.
It's late. Glancing at her phone, she sees almost one in the morning. Loki's Mum and brother had left maybe about two hours ago. Finally. Leah wouldn't say it to Loki, but she was glad when they finally did. They stressed him out. Even his mother, though she was a lot more careful and thoughtful towards Loki than Thor was. Still, just her presence stressed him out, and Leah knows it's because he was ashamed in front of her. Like he felt he was letting her down or something. It was fucked up.
Loki's lying on his side, and she sees his eyes flick up to her in the low lights of the room. He looks pitiful, she thinks, his bony shoulders peeking through the drooping collar of his hospital gown, his face gaunt and pale, eyes glassy and fogged over. They've got him hooked up to all kinds of IV's, fluids and pain killers and who knew what else.
The doctor had come back and said Loki's pneumonia had somehow gotten worse, the infection spreading to both his lungs, and that they were going to have to keep him for several days more, at least, and fight off the infection with antibiotics administered intravenously.
Loki had started to cry at the news, and she couldn't blame him. His life was a wreck at the moment. Hell, Leah couldn't really remember a time when it wasn't, in one way or another. The kid just couldn't catch a break.
Loki had begged the doctor to let her stay, even though it was against hospital policy to let visitors stay past eleven o'clock. Thankfully the staff had obliged him. Probably seeing how sad a state he was in too. It was hard not to feel bad for him.
Leah felt more than bad. Her heart broke every time she looked at Loki.
"The store didn't burn down, did it?" He asks, his voice slowed and slurred from the pain killers.
Leah smiles weakly at him, shaking her head.
"No." She answers. "Actually, she said she made some big sales today. She counted the profits, and she says you actually came out about 1,500.00 ahead. So good news, huh?"
"... Good news." Loki says softly, almost inaudibly, and she watches his eyelids slip closed a moment. He must be so exhausted, Leah thinks. If he had been feeling normal, Leah knows, he would have wanted to know what books Darcy had sold, and to who. Loki cared so much about every book in his shop, and he always wanted to make sure they went to a good home.
God, she can only pray he'll be out of here soon.
She had to get back to work tomorrow. She couldn't let Darcy keep covering her shifts like this. But the idea of leaving Loki here alone has her feeling sick to her stomach.
"I'm sorry."
She's snapped from her thoughts by the sound of Loki's voice, and she looks up, seeing his eyes have come open again, looking up at her from where he lies.
"I'm sorry," he says again, his voice soft and slow and weak. "It would have been better for you... if you'd never met me. Wouldn't have had to deal... with all my problems..."
"Shut up." Leah tells him, her voice harsher than she means for it to be. "You know that isn't true."
She watches a single tear slip from Loki's eye, down his cheek and her heart feels shattered.
"Besides," she forces herself to go on, struggling to keep her voice steady. "you know I never would have made it through university without you. You practically did all my assignments for me, remember? Remember all those times you took my tests for me? All those awful courses I couldn't do shit in? Like paleobiology and chem 101 and all that shit? I would have washed out for sure if I hadn't met you, you idiot."
"... You should at least get a better job..." Loki whispers. "... You deserve more than... what I can pay you..."
Leah shakes her head.
"We've been over this a million times Loki." She sighs. "I don't want a better job. Okay? You aren't going to get rid of me that easily."
Loki looks back at her for a long time then, doesn't say anything. Until finally he reaches out a hand, and she reaches back, squeezing tight.
"You should try and sleep Loki." She says after a while. "I'll stop by your apartment tomorrow and pick you up some things. Okay? Anything specific you want?"
"... Some books?" He says after a minute, and his voice is somehow lower, his grasp round her hand loosening. He's finally falling asleep.
"Okay." Leah says, and she reaches out, laying her hand along his head, pushing his damp hair back. His eyes fall closed, and she stands, leaning over, kissing his temple.
"I'll see you in the morning Lok." She whispers.
There isn't any reply but the steady rise and fall of his breaths.
/
Loki's apartment is small and empty, and Leah wishes not for the first time that he would just agree to come and live with her. Only she knows the idea of independence is important to him. But she can't help thinking of him alone in this dreary place. This was what he came back to every night, after closing up the shop.
She looks around the tiny space, occupied by only a few chairs and a little table sitting just off the kitchenette. A beat up looking couch sits in front of a coffee table and he's got a small TV which has a screen covered in dust. Leah knows Loki probably never watches it.
There's clothes strewn across the floor. Loki's threadbare winter jacket and a few pairs of pants. There's no dishes in the sink, and when she opens the refrigerator, Leah sees it's nearly empty. Just a carton of milk, a half empty container of juice and a carton of eggs with one egg in it. It must have been weeks since Loki went shopping, before he'd even come to her for help, and Leah feels a tightness in her chest. Awful reminders of how bad Loki was at simply taking care of himself.
She closes the fridge door and moves through the small space, towards where she knows Loki's bedroom is. The only other rooms in the apartment being that and a bathroom so small, Leah has no real idea how Loki can do anything in it. He was so tall, she knows he had to bend down just to use the shower.
Moving into his bedroom, and it's just as sparse as the rest of the apartment save for the stacks and stacks of books covering nearly every square inch. Leah knows Loki's read probably every single one. Otherwise there's just a single mattress bed on a cheap looking bed frame, and a dresser beside it. A few clothes hang in what hardly amounts to a closet.
The bed is unmade, the covers twisted and half thrown over the edge, hanging on the floor.
Leah imagines Loki tossing and turning there as he'd gotten sicker and sicker. Suffering by himself, too afraid to call anyone for help.
Moving towards the bed, and she sees what looks like a photo album turned over with it's cover facing up, lying on the bed's pillow.
Curiosity drives her to reach for it, lifting it up and turning it over.
Her eyes fall to a picture inserted into the plastic, and she finds herself suddenly smiling.
It was a shot of her and Loki from a couple years ago, at the beach.
Leah remembers trying to get Loki to actually take his shirt off and go in the water with her. She'd gotten about as far as she would have trying to push a bull into a corral. Loki had always been shy about showing his body. She guesses, growing up around a guy like Thor, it was understandable why. Loki was pretty scrawny, especially these days, worryingly thin. But he'd always had good proportion, and she'd tried telling him that countless times. He never seemed to believe it though.
He'd been covered head to toe that day at the beach, the photograph reminding her of it. Wearing a black, long sleeved shirt and pants, his eyes covered by dark sunglasses and a silly baseball cap covering his head. He'd looked ridiculous, and of course he'd overheated, Leah having to take him to one of the nearby, air conditioned facilities and get fluids in him. She remembers him sitting there with a bottle of water held between his long hands, looking abashedly up at her, a goofy grin on his face as he'd explained "Well, it was either this or not being able to move for a week from the sunburn.", and Leah hadn't really been able to argue against that. Loki had the palest skin she'd ever seen. Every time he got stuck in the sun for even a short time, he turned absolutely beat red. It was no exaggeration to say he wouldn't be able to move if he'd gotten sun burnt. It always left him in incredible pain.
But they'd had fun that day, Leah remembers. Regardless of everything. Most of all she remembers how much Loki has smiled and laughed.
She flips through the photo album, seeing an array of pictures from all throughout Loki's life. A lot of pictures of him as a child with his family. Man, he'd been such a cute kid, she thinks. So little and sweet looking. Still, Leah can't help but notice, in every picture, there's always a look of sadness in Loki's eyes. Even when he's smiling.
That was true to life.
There was always sadness behind Loki's expression, no matter what. Always a kind of loneliness.
There's a picture near the back of the album, another of her and Loki together. They're standing side by side, Leah with her arm over his shoulders, Loki holding her round the waist. They're looking straight at the camera, neither of them really smiling in this one. Loki's face is bruised, both his eyes deeply blackened, a wide gash only just starting to heal covering the bridge of his nose. His cheekbones yellowed with half healed bruises.
This one had been taken just about two weeks after he'd come to her apartment, after being beaten all to hell by a group of hoodlums out on the street. Leah knows looking at the picture that Loki's face didn't show nearly the damage as the rest of his body, hidden from the camera by his baggy clothes. She knows underneath his sweater and pants, his body had been a mass of deep and ugly bruising and abrasions the likes of which she had never seen.
How he had even found the strength to stand there like that for the camera, she'll never really know. The way he'd still mustered up the strength to even smile, or laugh or makes his witty jokes and comments, which he'd been back to not more than a couple days after the attack.
Loki was the toughest fucker she'd ever met. He was so fucking courageous.
She feels her eyes burn and she wipes at them.
She was letting herself be distracted. She needed to gather Loki's things and get them over to the hospital for him.
It's as she's closing the album something falls out from it, and glancing down to the floor where it's landed, she sees it's a folded up piece of paper.
She bends down, picking it up. She stares at the paper for a long moment, her fingers twitching over it, wondering.
She probably shouldn't open it. She has a feeling it's something private. But then, she'd seen Loki naked countless times. Given him showers, helped to dress and undress him. Taken him to the bathroom. The sense of privacy between them wasn't exactly solid at this point. Still, she shouldn't, but...
Before she can talk herself out of it, she's unfolding the paper, her eyes landing on Loki's perfect handwriting. She begins to read, surprise taking hold of her to see her name at the very start...
Leah...
I have no idea if you'll ever see this. God knows I'm likely too much of a coward to ever give it to you myself.
You've been my best and only friend for so long now. Before I met you, I never had any friends. Do you know that? The only other kids I knew growing up were my brother's friends, and they never wanted me around. They made that pretty clear to me more than a few times. Thor never really knew. I never told him, because I never wanted to upset him. I was afraid too, like I'm afraid of so many things.
I know what you would say Leah. You would have told Thor his friends are assholes. I'm smiling just thinking about how you would have told them off too. But I'm not like you Leah. I'm not strong, or brave like you. I'm a coward. I always wanted too much for people to like me, and I could never figure out what it was about me that made it so they didn't. I used to try so hard to make them, you know? You don't need people's approval Leah, but I do. I want it so much, and I hate that about myself.
God, I must have seemed like such an annoying little nothing to them. And then I got a chip on my shoulder and decided to hell with it.
When I got to university, I was just this stupid, scared, lost little kid. One of those little brats that didn't know when to keep his damned mouth shut. I didn't know how to just let things be anymore then. I was so angry all the time.
Do you remember the first time we met Leah? I was getting the shit kicked out of my as usual because I'd talked back to a group of jocks who all outweighed me by about a hundred pounds or more. Do you remember how you got in the middle of it and told them to leave me alone? I'd never seen anyone like you. You weren't afraid of those jerks at all. You hadn't been much bigger than me back then and you scared the hell out of them. You made them leave just by staring them down.
I think I fell in love with you then Leah.
God, I'm sorry.
I've never said that out loud. Not even to myself. Though I've thought it probably a thousand times.
I'm in love with you Leah.
I know I'm a fool. I know you could never love me back. Not the way I love you, I mean. I know you love me as a friend, and I'll never be able to express to you how grateful I am to you just for being that to me. It's more than I probably deserve in itself.
I want to tell you thank you. From the bottom of my heart Leah. Thank you for just being a friend.
I know I don't have any right to put the burden of my own, stupid longing on you. Not when you already have to deal with so much bullshit from me. I wish I was a better person. I wish I wasn't such a fuck up. I wish you didn't always have to pick up the pieces every time my shitty life falls apart because I'm too weak and stupid to hold it together myself. I wish I could be as good a friend to you as you are to me Leah. I wish I could help you even just once the way you've helped me countless times. I hope that you're being my friend gives you at least something good, even if it won't ever be enough to repay you for all you've done for me.
Leah, I'm going to tell you something else now, and I don't want you to be scared when I do. Please don't be scared. Please don't hate me for it. I've always been able to tell you things I've never told anyone else, and that's because I know you won't judge me for it Leah. I mean, I know you won't think less of me when I tell you all the shitty things about myself that I try to keep hidden away from everyone else. I don't want you to hate me when I tell you this. And I don't want you to worry. So please, please don't.
Leah, I've thought a lot about killing myself.
Please don't be mad at me. Please don't freak out. I know you worry about me a lot, so I never wanted to tell you that. I never want you to worry after me Leah. I'm not worth it. You know? I'm not worth you putting that kind of stress on yourself.
But you ought to know, because you're my best and only friend, and you deserve transparency from me at least.
I'm a fucking wreck. More than anyone probably really knows. Even you Leah. I think sometimes it would be better to just die than have to go on like this. My stupid brain torturing me all the time. I get so sad all the time and I don't even know why. My life's been hard in some ways, I suppose. But it's never really been that bad. Not compared to some people, anyway. What right do I have to feel so sad all the time? I don't know. I don't think I do. But I've never been any good at controlling my emotions. I know you know that about me too Leah. I can't help it, the way I feel sometimes.
I guess more than anything it's because I hate myself. Some days I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror, and I think everyone would be better off if I just weren't here. I know you would scream at me for saying that Leah. I know you would tell me I'm being a complete idiot. I know that. I know you would tell me it wouldn't make your life better, if I was gone. But I also know I drag you down in so many ways Leah. I know I put so much stress on you just because I'm around you. Because I'm such a fucking loser and it feels like I just always make things worse for everyone around me.
You've been the best friend to me a person could ever have Leah. That anyone could ever hope for. Your friendship, just me being allowed to call you my friend, being allowed to be a part of your life, means more to me than I'll ever be able to say. More than I'll ever be able to show you. It's when I'm around you Leah that I sometimes feel like I can make it. When I think maybe I should keep living. I know that isn't fair to say to you either. It isn't up to you to give me a reason to live, and I don't want you to feel like that's your responsibility. Or that I'm your responsibility. Because neither is true. But I wanted you to know, just by being you, by being my friend, most days that's enough. I won't lie to you and say every day. Some days still, I want to give up. Some days I think about dying and what a relief it would be. But most days, because of you Leah, because you're there, I don't feel that way. I feel okay. I feel like I can take it.
I guess I'm just rambling now like some kind of idiot. I'm sorry Leah. I'm sorry if I've upset you. Or scared you. That wasn't my intention. It's never my intention to hurt you in any way. I hope you know that. I love you so much Leah. I just wanted you to understand how much. How much you mean to me. Even if it's just as a friend, even if you can't love me the way I love you, your friendship has meant more to me than anything else in my life. And if, somehow, you don't see this ridiculous letter until after I'm gone, I want you to know that it's okay. You gave me happiness Leah when no one else ever really could. You gave me moments of such happiness. And that's more than I probably ever deserved. More than I had any real right to ask for. And that's enough. For me Leah, that's enough. If I'm gone, and you're reading this now, you have to know that. You gave my life weight. You gave my life a purpose beyond just existing. So if I'm gone, don't be sad. Don't be sad for me Leah. I want you to feel proud. You should be so proud of yourself for being such an amazing human being. You're my hero Leah. Since the day I met you. You've always been my hero. You always will be. I hope that you're having known me was, at least sometimes, worth it too. That I was able to give you even a little of the happiness you've given me. I hope it wasn't all bad. And I hope, someday, you find somebody who loves you as more than a friend, and who you can love back the same. I hope, whoever that is, the two of you find happiness together.
Please live a wonderful, happy life Leah. Please don't ever deny yourself anything. Please don't ever let anyone hold you back from what you deserve. Please always be true to yourself, be kind to yourself. Don't ever compromise. Don't ever let anyone beat you down or change who you are. Don't ever let anyone tell you you need to be different. Everything you need to be, you've always been. If I've ever known anything Leah, I know that.
I love you Leah. Please take care of yourself always.
From the bottom of my heart Leah, and with all my love...
Loki
Leah doesn't realize for several minutes how she's crushing the paper between her hands. Doesn't realize she's sobbing until her knees hit the floor, the jolt shaking her from her mind, and she hears her own, loud wails filling the tiny space, her eyes burning and blind with the wash of tears.
She curls in on herself, and the pain is like suffocating. Can't breath. Can't think. Oh Loki, Loki... Oh God...
She doesn't know how long she sits there like that. She sobs and sobs and can't stop. Until finally it's like there's nothing left, and she can only lay there on her side, eyes burning still though no tears come any more, clutching Loki's letter to her chest. And she doesn't understand. She doesn't understand why the world had to be so cruel. She doesn't understand why he had to suffer like this. Why he had to suffer at all. Oh Loki...
She doesn't understand anything, anymore.
She thinks, maybe, she never did.
/
AN: As always, a massive thank you to all my readers and reviewers, and a huge apology for the long delay. I hope you enjoyed the chapter none the less, and if you have time, a review would be greatly appreciated! I'm working on a bunch of my Loki stories right now, so keep an eye out for updates on all of those. You guys are the most awesome!
