I don't own anything, all rights belong to CW. Only the storyline and additional characters are mine.
CHAPTER 8
Time Go
I'm in need of the answer, searching for questions, love would mean broken-hearted
Days slink by faster, it's a made up list and you lost me before I started
A little white lie, a big black sky, your emptiness open on the dashboard
You feel lack of self and it's someone else telling you to try where you failed before.
Where does the time go? I don't know
It's moving off the deep end
Black on blue feeling slow-mo
Now reach, I'll go
Plus it's too brave to see again.
EPOV
I still remember the first time that I held her in my arms. How she looked at me with those hazel brown eyes of hers, it was like the light of the world was mirroring in them. She had only been a few minutes old and yet she had the power to stir up all of my emotions. Emotions that I didn't know I had seemed to pour out of every inch of my body. She was so tiny and frail like those l china dolls you buy in the shop around the corner. At the same time, she was the most beautiful human being that I had ever laid my eyes on. I gently rocked her in my arms, silent tears streaming down my face as she slowly drifted off to sleep. A small smile grew on her smooth lips. Looking down at her, I softly stroked her cheeks with the pad of my thumb as if she was the most precious thing on the planet. She was the most precious thing on the planet to me.
They say that the moment you first lock eyes with your child you're never able to leave them again. There is an immediate connection, a tether, between the two of you. From the second that they had put Hazel into my arms, I understood what those people were talking about. I felt like there was no way I would ever be able to let her go again. But I knew that I had to.
Giving Hazel up was the hardest and most painful decision I ever had to make in my life, but it was a necessary one. Her father and I could have never given her the life that she deserved. We were so young and naïve back then; still kids ourselves. Who were we to take responsibility for a new-born, so innocent and fragile? It wasn't something that we meant to happen, unexpected and certainly not planned. But it did happen, and it had changed both of our lives forever. Our thoughts were always haunted by the images of the first and the very last time that her father and I had gotten to hold her in the safety of our arms.
And to this day, I have never regretted anything more than having missed all those precious moments of my little girl's life. Every day I pray that those hazel brown eyes still hold that light in them. That her unique sparkle - the one that burns on to your soul and shows you all the beauty in this world - is still shining bright. I pray and hope that my little Hazel is happy and that maybe we did choose right in giving her up.
A single tear slipped down my cheek as I closed the book. The written words of my birth mother echoing again and again in my ears, my fingers tracing along the lines of the book cover. My gaze was blank, staring into the nothingness and at the same time trying to make sense of it all. My thoughts were drifting away. Reading this book had always been some sort of escape for me, images of a life that I would never have would roam through my head as I read it and fantasies about my birth parents would burn on to my mind
But now it was nothing more than a reminder. It was there to remind me that Miranda Sommers was my mother and that all of this was a lie. Her words, her book, everything that she had wanted people out there to understand and to imagine was nothing but a simple white lie. What kind of person could write such beautiful words about missing her daughter and not once feel the need to make sure that she was okay? What person could say that it was the biggest regret she had in life and then never go out there to search for her own flesh and blood? For her daughter?
Miranda and Grayson had decided seventeen years ago to give me away and put me into the care of other people. It had been their choice. Nobody had forced them to do it. But choices and circumstances could change, couldn't they? They had changed. At least for me they had.
I was never adopted. My whole life people had tossed me around between several families, never really finding a home, a place where I belonged or somewhere where people loved me. Nobody had ever wanted me. And that spark, that light in my eyes that she was always talking about? I hadn't seen it for a very long time. It had disappeared from my eyes the day that I had realised that no one was going to come for me. There was no person in the world that would save me from my own fateful destiny. And as I grew to accept it, the spark had gotten lost in the shadows of my thoughts.
However, there was one person that had managed to bring that sparkle back into my eyes. They made me feel like I could do anything if I wanted to. That nothing was impossible anymore. I looked at him and he looked at me, and nothing in the world had ever seemed more right to me. Damon had been the mysterious stranger at first and then the teacher that I couldn't ever be with, but now he had grown in to so much more. He made me feel alive, like I could climb the highest of mountains and jump over the biggest of obstacles if he was by my side.
We weren't perfect, far from it actually, but there was something between the two of us. Nothing that words could ever explain, bigger than every melody that would ever capture your heart. When I was with him, it just consumed me. I would look at him and the rest of the world would disappear. It would be only him and me. And when he took my hands into his, nothing else mattered anymore. Not Miranda or Grayson, Frank or the people from foster care.
None of it mattered. Just we did.
We were still in the process of getting to know one another. There were many things that I didn't know about him and things that he didn't know about me. He didn't know the things that I was scared to tell him – about me and about my past – but somehow, when I looked at him, I felt complete. Like everything in the world would be okay again if I just held on to him long enough.
A small smile crept up on my lips as I thought about seeing him again. Sure, we would be at school and I wouldn't be able to talk to him much, but I knew I would see him again. His ice blue eyes that burned into mine and his cute dimples when he grinned goofily at me, I'd see them again.
"Elena!" Grayson's voice echoed from the kitchen. "Are you up?"
"I'm coming!" I yelled back, wiping the dried tears from my cheeks.
Taking a last big breath and summoning up all my strength for the upcoming day, I got up from my bed and grabbed my school bag from the desk on the other side of the room, before slowly making my way downstairs.
I had no idea why I was so jumpy and nervous. Perhaps it was the fact that for once in my life I was actually feeling like everything could fall right into place and for me, that wasn't something that came without consequences, or came around very often for that matter, let alone last very long. Every ounce of happiness that I ever had in my life had been stolen away from me, be it by pure accident or choice, but I don't think I could take losing it again. Not this time. Not Damon.
I wouldn't let him slip through my fingers. If there was one thing that I was sure of, then it was the fact that from the moment that Damon had entered my life, everything had turned around 180 degrees and for once in my life I was happy to run along with it.
"Pancakes or waffles, Elena?"
Letting my bag drop down beside me, I sat down next to John at the kitchen table, a look of amusement crossing my face as I watched him. Drooling all over the place, I smirked to myself, as per usual. I shook my head laughing. That man should really learn to start going to sleep earlier, I thought to myself. He desperately needed it anyway.
"Hhm," I turned around to face Grayson, a thoughtful look on my face. "What are you recommending today, Chef?"
"Well, I've been told many times that I make the most delicious waffles on the planet. It wouldn't hurt to hear it again."
"Waffles it is then," I smiled.
"Don't let him fool you," Jonas butted in, walking into the kitchen and making himself at home. Just like every other morning. "His waffles are only half as good as he makes them out to be. Believe me, I've tried them."
"Who's been pulling your chain, Jonas?"
"Nobody," he shrugged. "I just thought that I should tell the poor girl the truth. We don't want her dying of food poisoning now.""
"And yet you still manage to eat a whole plate of them every morning that you're here," Grayson scoffed.
"What can I say? I like to live on the edge."
I let out a hearty laugh, gaining their attention before they carried on bickering like an old married couple.
"How about you give me my waffles?" I smiled. "I have to get to school in ten minutes and I can't be late again. Did you know I was late? Last Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday and oh, did I forget to mention on Thursday, too?"
"Alright alright," Grayson sighed. "I get it. It's always my fault that you're late for school. What's next? You'll be saying it's my fault that the grass isn't blue and that waterfalls don't flow upwards."
"Yep! You got it," Jonas and I grinned.
Grayson put the waffles onto my plate, rolling his eyes at us. "Try not to choke on them."
Curiously, not knowing which of them to believe, I cautiously took a bite from my waffle. Like a snowflake, it melted on my tongue. It tasted sweet and yet it possessed a pinch of cinnamon - fluffy and yet crispy. I moaned silently, this was definitely the best waffle I had ever eaten in my life. Not that I had many to compare it to.
"This is delicious."
"Told ya," he said, grinning goofily, before slapping his brother across the head. "Don't drool all over my table, you moron."
John's head shot up. His tired eyes were filled with confusion as he took in his surroundings, staring at our faces like we were some kind of alien species.
"Wh-What happened? What did I miss?"
"Just go back to sleep, you lazy bastard!" Jonas exclaimed, laughing till his throat was dry.
"What are you guys doing here anyway? Don't you have your own homes or something?" I let out a quiet chuckle, taking a bite from my waffle.
"As a matter of fact," Jonas raised his eyebrows at me, "we do." He fell backwards on to one of the chairs beside me. "Well," he shrugged, "I do. John? I wouldn't be so sure."
John groaned, trying hard not to fall back to sleep.
"I do have one," he yawned. "I just prefer spending my time here."
"That bad?" I laughed.
"You have no idea."
"What about you, Jonas? Why are you here instead of your own home?"
"My son Luca goes to a boarding school up in Montana and lives with his mum for most of the time. When he's not home," he looked at me with a sad smile on his lips, "it gets kinda lonely in the house all by myself," he shrugged while placing a piece of his pancake onto his dribbling tongue. "And with Grayson and John around at the garage, and now you, I'm always in a good company. Okay. Maybe not so much with John," he added, his gaze wandering over to my uncle, who had planted his head back onto the table, snoring like King Kong with a nasal infection. "He's never good company."
"Just because I'm sleeping, it doesn't mean that you can go on and talk shit about me," John mumbled into the crook of his arm, slowly dozing off again. "I hear and see everything."
"Okay, God," I shook my head in amusement, turning back to face Jonas. "You have a son? How old is he?"
"Your age, actually," he chuckled quietly, still munching on his pancakes. "I think you guys would get along pretty well. He's just like you."
"How come he doesn't go to my high school then?"
"You see," Grayson butted in, leaning against the kitchen island. "That child is a genius, unlike most people in this room."
"Speak for yourself, old man," I scoffed.
Jonas leaned back on his stool with a toothy grin plastered across his cheeks. "Gotta agree with little Gilbert there, Gray. You're not exactly the brightest tool in the shed."
Grayson snorted. "Don't some of you have to leave now?" He glared at me and only me.
Munching happily away on my waffle, I looked down at my phone to check the time. My eyes bulged out from their sockets. Five minutes before school was meant to start and I hadn't even made a dent on my third waffle. "Shit! I'm gonna be late … AGAIN!"
"Not my fault this time," he held his hands up in surrender, smirking like a cat.
I sprung up from my seat, grabbing my bag finishing off the last of my waffle. Gulping, I waved goodbye at them as I ran into the hall.
"Technically it is," I shouted back at him. "You're the parent! You're supposed to make sure I get to school in time. Bye!"
"Is it also my job to make sure that you wear your shoes on the right feet?" I heard him mumble as I left the house in hurry, making me laugh in return.
Seeing as my school wasn't that far away from the service station, I would still make it there on time if I tried, but at the speed I walked at… yeah… I wouldn't make it before first period. I laughed quietly to myself as I relived the new breakfast tradition with the guys at home. As much as I had tried to avoid them at first, I couldn't deny how much they brightened up each and every morning. Even if I didn't like admitting it, these guys were already family, and losing them, it would tear my world apart.
The ticking of the clock echoed in my ears. Every second that passed felt like an hour as I slumped back in my chair. All the voices just seemed to fade into the background until the only thing that I could hear was the ticking of the clock. My mind was being plagued with worrying images. Every bone in my body was screaming at me, telling me to run away and hide in the dark because it wouldn't be long until something or someone came to take away the ounce of light that I had found in my new life.
I had this weird feeling lingering and churning in the pit of my stomach. It was like something bad, unexpected, but simply beautiful was going to happen. I don't think I had ever felt so confused in my life before.
I remembered back to when I was a kid - maybe ten or eleven years old - and I had just been placed into a new foster family after being stuck at the orphanage for about a year. That's the only other time that I can remember feeling such a mixture of emotions. Nervous and restless, but at the same time, happy and strangely I felt wanted by someone. It was one of those moments where you're so happy that it seems like it just couldn't be true, but you know there is something important missing. Then and there, that was exactly how I felt slumped back in my school chair. Everything seemed to fall right into place, like someone had just figured out how to finish a puzzle and couldn't wait to put the pieces together. It was just so easy. Too easy even.
Back then I had been right with my eerie feeling. It had all been too good to be true. The Johnsons had seemed like the perfect family at first, they had two other kids – a girl and a boy – and somehow I had fitted in. Then the fighting started. The never ending screaming and yelling became my theme tune. Vases would fly against the walls and shatter to pieces, doors would get slammed shut and cars would drive away in rage. And of course, as the new kid, it was always my fault. I was the one responsible for all the damage and pain the family felt. So they sent me away after only three months. I was back at the orphanage; the only place that seemed to welcome me back with open arms each time I returned.
But now, for the first time, I was scared of being right. I didn't want to be right.
I didn't want to leave this place. Not after it had made me feel more welcomed than any other place in the world ever had done. And most of all, as wrong as it sounds, I didn't want to leave him.
A small smile crept up on to my lips as I watched Damon in front of the class, creating bold gestures with his arms as he explained the big events of America's Independence Day to us. He seemed so alive. He was completely in his element whenever he spoke about forgotten times of the past, moments that had been forgotten by most of society a long time ago. Yet he still remembered them like it was yesterday. Like he himself had experienced them, had lived through them.
Watching Damon teach showed me how much he really loved his job, and how he was risking all of this just for me – a silly schoolgirl that was still trying to find her place in this world while he had found his already. It was right here in Mystic Falls, standing in front of a class, teaching them about the things that he loved.
Whereas I didn't think I would ever find a place where I truly belonged, or even if there was one for me.
"Earth to Elena!"
My head snapped to the right where an amused Caroline stared right at me. "Wha-sorry, what did you say?"
Caroline grinned teasingly at me. "Daydreaming about Mr Salvatore again?"
"What? No," I blinked rapidly, trying to hide my embarrassment. "I'm just… a bit distracted.""Oh distracted, are you?" Her eyes gazed up in interest. "Who's the mysterious guy on your mind then?"
"No one," I mumbled distractedly, already feeling the telling blush that was attacking my cheeks.
"So there is a guy," Caroline stated matter-of-factly
I groaned silently, burying my head in my hands as the blush on my cheeks kept getting darker and darker. Caroline had no idea how much I wanted, needed to tell someone about him, about us and about everything. She had no clue just how much I wanted to get it off of my chest because that would make it all easier, being able to share my happiness with someone else. But she also didn't know how dangerous that would be. I couldn't tell anyone without risking losing him. And that was a risk I wasn't ready to take.
"Oh come on," she whispered too loudly, her gaze switching between Damon and I, making sure he wasn't watching. "You can't keep a secret from Auntie Caroline. Tell me! Please!"
"Okay, okay!" I murmured, lifting my hands up in surrender. "There is someone, but… I really-"
"Ms' Gilbert. Ms' Forbs," his velvet voice interrupted us, forcing us both to look at him. "I would appreciate it if you could postpone your private conversations till after my lesson and discuss your problems in your free time. Now's the time to pay attention."
"But Mr Salvatore-"
"No buts Ms. Forbs," Damon's gaze glided over to me as he spoke, his eyes sparkling with slight amusement. "I don't want any more interruptions within my lesson anymore or I will put you both in detention."
Caroline crossed her arms over her chest, leaning back into her chair. "Fine, you won't hear another peep outta me. I promise."
"That's what I like to hear," he grinned. "Same goes for you, Ms' Gilbert."
I nodded, biting back a smile myself. "Noted, sir."
Without granting Caroline or me another look, he returned to his usual position in front of the class and continued talking about the astonishing events of the 4th July 1776. I didn't talk to Caroline for the rest of the lesson, but I knew that I wouldn't get out of it so easily. She would keep bugging me every second of the day until I finally snap and tell her the truth and when – IF - that moment arrived, I would be screwed.
Propping my head up on my arm and staring right ahead, I hung on Damon's every word. Once in a while, his gaze would glide over to me, his eyes glistening mischievously and making me bite back a school-girl smile.
"And remember," he said the moment the bell rang, telling us all that we had to leave for our next lesson. Science – the joy! "Your assignment on Martin Luther King is due in two weeks."
A simultaneous "Yes, sir" could be heard before everyone quickly started to disappear out of the classroom, leaving Caroline, Bonnie and I behind.
As we walked past Damon's desk, he called out my name.
"Ms. Gilbert?" I turned around to him in curiosity, my head tilted to the side as I smiled at him. "I thought you would like to have some files about the material we went over before you transferred to our school. They might be helpful."
I took the papers and put them into my notebook, noticing the small yellow note that was taped on top of them. "Thank you, Mr Salvatore."
"Anytime," he smiled. "Now make sure you girls get to your lesson. We don't want the teacher being upset about you being late, do we?"
All three of us nodded, waving him goodbye as we turned to walk away. "Bye, Mr Salvatore."
Making sure that neither Caroline nor Bonnie were watching me as they lost themselves in a deep and descriptive conversation about how hot Damon was when he showed authority and how his ice blue eyes could make any woman melt before his feet, I pulled out the yellow sticky note. I smiled shyly to myself, silently squealing with joy as I read the message he had given me for my eyes only.
Come by this afternoon at the Boarding house? Little brother has football practice till seven o'clock, so no worries. Love, D.
...
"What are you doing this Friday night?" Caroline and Bonnie asked me as we walked out of school, thankful that last period had ended.
The rest of my lessons had passed agonizingly slow that day. I would catch myself drifting off more often than usual and barely paid any attention to what my teachers were trying to teach me. I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I knew it had something to do with the horrid feeling at the pit of my stomach. Something bad and unexpected was going to happen. I could feel it.
I shrugged nonchalantly. "Probably nothing special. Why are you asking?"
"It's settled then," the blonde squealed. "Movie night at mine! Bring all the DVD's and sweets that you can find. It's a date."
"When the hell did you plan this?"
"Just right now. Didn't you listen to me? Duh," she replied with a cheeky grin.
Bonnie laughed. "Ignore her. When it comes down to movie nights and sleepovers, she's always like this. She doesn't accept no for an answer."
"Oh I see how-"
"Ewena!"
I flew around at the sound of the squeaky and girly voice that I knew all too well, just as a tiny body clamped itself around my leg. I would have recognized her shiny blonde hair and her emerald green eyes anywhere. They held an innocence and yet this immense bubble of knowledge in them. I had never seen something so amazing.
If I didn't know her so well, I could never imagine or even consider all the pain that she had been through. Despite of everything – all the pain and agony that she had been put through – she never lost her strength or her ability to make people smile whenever she was around.
"A-Amelia?" I stuttered, looking down at her in disbelief and happiness. "Baby girl, what are you doing here?"
"I missed wou," she mumbled, her grip tightening around my leg.
"Oh, I missed you too, sweetie," I said, crouching down beside her and shooting her a worried smile. "But how did you get here? Is someone with you?"
"Do you really think that we would let her go off on her own?"
My head snapped up at the sound of Jensen's voice, a goofy smile playing on my lips as I took in his boyish appearance. Since the moment that I had met him, six months ago, when I first moved in with Frank and Ashley, he hadn't changed a bit. He was still the same messy and adorable guy that I had left behind. His dark brown curls were still covering his forehead, his emerald eyes as green as ever and his oversized T-shirt hanging lazily down his body.
I remembered when I first met him. He didn't talk at all unless it was with Amelia. He would just sit at the dining table, back in his chair, watching us, listening to our words and analysing us with his intense glare. There had always been something odd about him back then, but then I had the pleasure to meet the boy behind the façade.
"Jensen!" I exclaimed happily, lifting Amelia up in my arms. "What are you guys doing here? I-I don't understand."
In reality, he was just like me. Lost and confused. Damaged and burnt, thrown away one too many times. And yet he got up each time and picked up the broken pieces before somehow moving on. He was just a kid, barely sixteen, and he already seen all the hidden evil in the world. He had seen all the evil that he should have been protected from.
When I look at him, I know that if I could, I would have prevented all those terrible things from happening to him. I would've done it in a heartbeat.
"We missed you back home," he shrugged, smiling slightly at me. "It isn't the same without you."
Amelia made herself comfortable in my arms, burying her head into my chest as I held her close to me. Sighing, I planted a small kiss on her forehead. I couldn't deny the fact that I missed them as well, because even though Ashley and Frank had never made me feel like a part of their family, Jensen and Amelia had happily welcomed me into theirs.
"And I think that's our cue to leave!" Bonnie interjected.
Caroline nodded in agreement. "Yeah, we'll see you tomorrow first period, right?"
"Of course," I smile, waving at them as they walked away. "Bye girls!"
I put Amelia back on the ground and rested my hands on her tiny shoulders as she stood before me, looking up at Jensen in admiration. He smiled goofily at her, ruffling up her hair. Sometimes it was hard to believe that these two weren't really siblings. They had both been at Ashley and Frank's for about a year before I came into the picture. To me, it seemed like Jensen had taken over the father role and big brother role in Amelia's life. The way he took care of her, always with her best at heart, it reminded me so much of Elijah.
Whether I had been thrown into a new family or was chucked back into the orphanage, Elijah had always taken care of me. I called, he came. I knocked on his door, he answered. I held all of my emotions in and he was the first one to tell me to let it all out. He was the first person to truly care about me and, somehow, it felt like Jensen was the first one to ever pay attention to Amelia. And she loved it. She loved him.
"How is it with Frank and Ashley? Are they treating you guys alright?"
"No different from when you were still with us. Ashley and Frank are still as horrible as ever, though Frank's alcohol problem has definitely gotten worse," Jensen said, his voice calm and steady the whole time. "Most of the time I just try to keep Amelia out of the house as much as humanly possible."
"That's probably a good idea," I nodded.
"But Amelia misses you, we-"
"We all do."
My head shot up at the sound of his voice, my eyes blurring with tears as I took in his elegant but manly appearance. Something about him had changed and I wasn't talking about his new haircut. The trim that made him look way more mature than I ever thought possible. Yet the man standing before me was still the same old Elijah – the boy who had been my best friend and brother for many years. He still had that look in his eyes, a look of concern and love, one that he had been giving me since we first met and one that had always made me realise that I wasn't alone in the world. With Elijah by my side, I knew that I never really would be.
My whole life had been a ride through the unknown and the unexpected, never knowing what was going to happen next, where I was going or which direction to choose. In moments where I had been so overwhelmed by life, drowned into the darkness of the unknown and blind to the choices I had to make, Elijah had held my hand and lead me out of the dark and back into the light.
"Elijah…"
In all those years, he had been the one to come to my rescue when I screamed and the one who answered when I called. He was the one to pick up the pieces after my heart had been broken for the umpteenth time. While everything around me had changed, people had left and things had disappeared, he never did. All my life, he had been my constant.
"Hey, little one," he smiled.
I whimpered, a single tear rolling down my cheek. "Don't you think I'm a bit too old to be still called that by you?"
"I thought we already discussed this," he chuckled, stepping closer to me. "You're always gonna be my little one, 'Lena."
"Elijah, I'm so-so sorry. I didn't mean the things I said to you on the phone. I was upset and angry and hurt and-"
"Come here."
"I needed you so much and you just weren't there. You weren't there," I cried, completely ignoring his command. "I-I didn't know what I was supposed to do. You were just gone and you were supposed to never leave me and I'm so sorry for-"
"Elena," he interrupted me, his voice stern and fully of authority. "Come here."
Finally the words stopped pouring out of my mouth as my eyes met his, soft and full of forgiveness and love. Then I got it. He wasn't mad at me. He had never really been mad in the first place. Looking back at our fight, I remembered his words throughout our entire conversation. Yes, he had been upset, but most of all he had been worried. He was worried about me.
I mentally slapped myself as the tears kept flowing down my cheeks. Elijah was the only person who knew who I truly was, past and present and future. He was the one to tell me off when I was being unreasonable, the one to share the laughter with me when I was happy and the one to pull me into his arms when I was upset. He knew that I was who I was for dark and secret reasons, but I knew he would never judge me on it. That was why he couldn't be mad after our fight, because he knew me. He knew that I would react defensively and push him away.
Because that was what I always did.
Without any second thought, I ran into his arms, burying my head into the crook of his neck, taking in his familiar scent. His arms tightened around me as more sobs erupted from my fragile body. I hadn't realised till now how much I had really missed him and everything about him. He was everything that I needed to get through the roughest of days. Even the darkest of demons and the cruellest of people couldn't pull me down when he was around."Hey," he pressed a kiss to my temple. "We're okay. Everything's okay."
"I'm so sorry," I sobbed into his shoulder.
"Ssh, it's okay. I know," he tried to sooth me. "But you have no reason to be sorry at all, okay? I will always be here. Remember? Always, little one. Wherever you go, I will always have your back."
I looked up at him with a small but real smile."Promise?"
"I promise."
I wrapped my arms tightly around his middle, glad to have him back with me, even if it was just for the day. Without him, the past weeks had been hard. It was unusual and felt like another time, another place and another universe. There was no Elena without Elijah - as there was no brother without his sister and no best friend without their friend. The painful thought of what I had nearly lost, this, him, was impossible to avoid no matter how hard I tried.
I couldn't risk losing this, losing us, for anyone or anything.
A sudden realisation hit me, making me shrug out of his embrace immediately. I gave him a firm slap on the chest as I shot him a death glare, my arms crossed over my chest.
"Ouch!" he exclaimed. "What was that for?"
"If you weren't mad at me then why did you never call?" I huffed, half playfully and half seriously.
"Oh," he mouthed.
"Yeah 'oh', shitwit!"
"Hey! No swearing! We have a little kid with us," he gestured towards Amelia and Jensen, both was deep into conversation about desserts. They seriously loved feeding their sweet-tooth.
"Right, I forgot about Jensen for a moment," I giggled, looking over my shoulder.
"I'm not the little kid here, guys!" he protested before grinning goofily at us. "Can't say the same for you though."
"I'm wittle!" Amelia shouted proudly, making us all laugh.
Jensen chuckled softly. "Yeah you are! Very small and very little."
"Meanie," she groaned.
I shook my head at them, a small smile curling up on my lips as I listened closely to their bickering, before turning back to a very amused Elijah. He must have been thinking the same thing that I did whenever I watched Jensen and Amelia interact. He and her, they were us. Back when I was just a little girl and he a little boy, we were still carefree and able to love, even though we had been faced with the evilest of people. We were just like they were, Amelia and Jensen. They were happy. Brother and sister. He was her protector and she his little princess.
"So why didn't you?" I asked Elijah again.
"I thought you needed space," he shrugged, a sad smile on his face. "You always do after a fight."
Deep down I knew that he was right. After every single fight I had ever had, I would push them away and try to reject them. With Elijah it was different. There were times when both of us had been too stubborn to apologize to one another. It only ended when we both finally just forgot about it and one of us showed up at the other's house. Or we'd pretend like it never happened when I when I realised how stupid I had been and went running back to him. Then there were those times when he had given me space, waited for me to say something, and then after a few days he would turn up at my door with a movie and a tub of ice cream. In seconds we would go back to being us again like nothing ever happened.
But not once had we given up on each other. He had never given up on me, even when I had given up on myself.
"Thank you," I replied genuinely.
"Don't mention it," his grin grew as he wiggled his eyebrows at me. "Just buy me a really big tub ice cream and we'll call it quits."
Jensen's head shot up immediately, the drool literally forming itself in the corner of his mouth. "Ice cream? Did someone say ice cream?"
"Ice cream! Me want ice cream!" The little girl jumped up and down in excitement.
"Ice cream it is then," I smiled a smile that reached from one ear to the other.
Even though we had different DNA, Elijah, Jensen and Amelia, they were family. All of us had suffered from loss, grief and loneliness. Even the youngest one of us, Amelia, would cry herself to sleep at night. She cried for her mommy and daddy to rescue her and take her away from all of the pain and darkness.. We all had been hurt in many different ways and yet, we were all kind of the same.
But in ourselves we had found one thing that many kids living in orphanages and foster homes searched for years and never found. We grew to be siblings, to be a family. One that I wouldn't trade for the world.
"Ewena! I don't want to leave! I wanna stay with you!"
We had spent the whole afternoon rummaging around town, wandering from one ice cream café to another and visiting several toy stores that had stolen Amelia's interest. None of could resist her famous puppy eyes and she knew that.
Despite of the horrid feeling I'd felt since the moment that I woke up, I had enjoyed my day with them. I never understood the meaning behind the saying that you only appreciate what you had after you've already lost it, but our day put it all into perspective. I hadn't realised how much I had missed Amelia – the girl who could outshine the sun with her warmth. Jensen – the guy who always knew what to say in any situation. Then Elijah, what more could I say about him?
They had been there when there had been nobody else in my life and nobody could ever replace them. No matter how far the distance between us, we were linked.
"Oh baby girl," I crouched down beside her, taking her small hands in mine. "You can visit me anytime you want, okay? I'm sure Eli and Jensen will come with you, right guys?"
Both of them nodded with large grins on their faces. "For the sake of Amelia, we'll be down all the time."
I huffed. "As if either one of you could go a month without me. I dare you."
"Oh, is that a challenge?" Jensen smirked.
"Hey! I was tawking to Ewena! You're mean," Amelia pouted, knowing that was all it took to make Jensen cave and let her have it her way. She might have looked innocent, but she definitely knew how to twist people around her little finger.
Jensen sighed, letting his shoulders fall. "Sorry, princess, go on."
"Thank wou."
Before I could react, the little girl had swung her arms around my neck, hugging me tightly as small sobs escaped her dainty mouth. I closed my eyes, planting a small kiss to her forehead as I softly hummed assuring words into her ear. Sometimes I loved her like she was my own. It might sound weird to some people, considering that I was only seventeen at this point, but she deserved to have a loving family that she dreamt about every night.
She deserved a small house with a white picket fence and a cute little puppy that she could take with her everywhere she went. She deserved parents who loved her like she was the most precious thing on the planet. Most of all, this girl deserved a bright future. One filled with many happy and pleasant memories.
She deserved all the things that I knew I couldn't give her.
"Lia," Elijah spoke up in a gentle voice. "It's time to say goodbye to Elena now."
"But I don't want to!" she cried, desperately clinging on to my body.
"Hey," I wiggled myself out of her embrace, tucking her hair softly behind her ears. "It won't be long until you can come and visit again, alright? Then we can do all the things we couldn't do today."
"Even go to the zoo and see the monkeys?" Her eyes lit up.
"Yes, even that."
"Great!" she exclaimed. "Let go then!"
I shook my head in laughter, watching her as she climbed into the back of Elijah's car. Smiling softly, I turned back to Jensen and pulled him into a tight hug. "Goodbye, Jens. Take good care of her. She needs you."
"I will," he nodded, kissing me lightly on the cheek. "Bye Elena. See you soon, Elijah."
Together, Elijah and I, we made our way over to the small entrance just beside my father's service station and climbed up the stairs to the flat. We walked in silence, neither of us really ready to break it and say goodbye again. Even though we knew that it wasn't going to be forever, probably not even for a month, we still hated saying goodbye. It was always a reminder of all the times we had to spend apart as kids; when we were sent to different families, different places and different worlds.
In fact, we hated goodbyes. They seemed so set and firm, like nothing was going to come after them. It was like the ending of a book, but not having the ability to go back a few pages to read the last chapter all over again.
Walking into the flat, I could hear voices coming from the living room. They didn't seem all too happy. I shot Elijah a look of confusion. He only shrugged at me and motioned for us to go and find out.
As we came to the living room, I recognized the voice of my social worker, Molly, who I saw in deep conversation with Grayson. Neither seemed aware of our presence.
Awkwardly, I cleared my throat. "Hey?"
Both of their heads shot up to look at me, their eyes widening in realisation and their faces filled with sorrow and guilt. I narrowed my eyes – what were they hiding? Did something happen back in Richmond? But Amelia and Jensen were here. That could only mean…
No, they couldn't have found out about Damon and me. There was no chance in hell, or was there?
"What is going on, guys?"
"Elena," Grayson said softly. "How about you sit down for a minute? There's something we need to talk to you about… alone."
"Oh, of course," Elijah spoke up from behind me. "I'm just gonna-"
"Don't," I interrupted him immediately. "I don't have any secrets from Elijah anyway. Whatever you're wanna tell me then he's gonna know it eventually. So either way…."
The truth was that I was scared of what was to come. It definitely wasn't good news, not with the worry that was written across both of their faces. Having Elijah on my side had always given me strength. I needed him there.
He had no idea about the things that had sometimes floated through my mind at night when nobody was watching, when I was all by myself and he didn't know about things that had happened while I tried to escape these thoughts. But he had tried to pull me up nevertheless, propping me up till I was able to stand on my own two feet again.
Without him, I probably wouldn't have even be standing there with all of them in that living room. Elijah had been the one to shun me here, practically forcing me to give this life and also Grayson a chance.
"Alright then," Molly smiled. "If that is what you want."
"It is."
Squeezing my arm lightly, Elijah made his way over to the unoccupied couch in the room and sat down. I soon followed him, taping nervously with my foot as I waited for them to speak.
"After you arrived here a few weeks ago, your father asked me to do something for him," she started off in a calm and collected voice. "He wanted me to find your mother, Miranda Sommers, and tell her that you were now living with him. In his opinion it was only right that she knew that she could visit you whenever she wanted to - if she wanted to."
"W-w-what?" I stammered.
"It took me a while to find her, but I eventually found out that she had moved away from Mystic Falls a few years back and bought a small house in New Jersey where she is living with her new husband and her… six year old son …Jeremy," Molly shot me a sympathetic smile before continuing. "I talked to her and she was shocked at first, but really happy once she had actually taken time to realise that I had just told her that her daughter is back at home… "
"What does that even mean?" I whispered, nearly choking on my own words as I tried to keep myself restrained. This couldn't be happening; they couldn't make me go back to that place. Anywhere but New Jersey.
"She wants to see you, Elena," Grayson replied softly, his eyes dropping to the ground in sadness.
"More than that actually," Molly butted in again. "She wants you to go and live with her in New Jersey with her and her family. She finally wants to be your mother, Elena."
I kept quiet, images and thoughts running through my mind on a constant loop, all leading back to that place - New Jersey. I had promised myself that I would never set foot back into that town, not on my free will, not as long as I could make my own decisions. All it ever brought me was pain and bad memories, ones that I so desperately wanted to forget but still lingered in the back of my mind at night, haunting me in my dreams.
"Do you wanna go and live with Miranda, Elena? Because if you do, I get it, I really do," Grayson gulped, making me look at him. "I'm not the best father figure in the world and I would understand if you would prefer living in an actual house instead of a small flat over my service station… If that's what you want-"
"And what if it isn't? What if she wants to stay?" Elijah asked for me, speaking the words that were lying on the tip of my tongue but just wouldn't come out.
"I would be happy if she did choose to stay with me. I don't think I could lose her so soon, especially after I just got her, but…" My father choked, running his hands through his chestnut brown hair as he tried to find the right words to continue. They didn't come.
Molly sighed. "But Miranda is definitely not gonna give you up again that easily. She wants you to be a part of her life and she thinks that maybe your living arrangements with Grayson aren't really good for a young girl at your age. Basically said, she thinks you could have it better with her and her husband, in New Jersey."
I stared at them in shock and astonishment, my eyes starting to blank out my surroundings as I tried to comprehend everything they just had told me. My mental consciousness was slowly floating away from me, blurry images shooting through my head, my mouth hanging open in confusion. Why was it that every time that I believed that I had found something good in my life, someone seemed to take it away from me? Did I not deserve to be happy like everyone else did? Was there really something so wrong with me?
It's like life wanted me to hate it. Like it wanted me to give up and just throw it all away. But I wasn't going to give up without a fight, not this time. Not when I had finally found a reason to fight and something to fight for. And most of all, I hoped that I was reason enough for Grayson to stand up and fight. I was a good enough reason for him to fight. I couldn't take the thought of him leaving me stranded, not after all the honest things that he had told me. The words that never left me; that accompanied me wherever I went.
Despite of everything bad that happened since the moment that I first stepped foot into my father's service station, so many good things had made me realise how much I had already grown to care about this place. I already cared about my home, my school and my friends.. Every single one of them meant a lot to me already. I had no idea when or why it happened, but I had would find myself waking up and smiling about the thought of going downstairs and eating breakfast with Grayson, John and Jonas. I had gone to school happy about the thought that I didn't have to sit alone at lunch and actually had someone to bring me through those boring lessons.
And then… Then there was Damon. I definitely couldn't leave him, not now that we had finally overcome some of our differences and had decided to give us, and our relationship, a chance. Sure, there weren't many odds standing in our favour – hell, there wasn't one thing that voted for our relationship – but not being able to see him every day, to touch him and to feel him against me, and to see that faint smile on his lips every time he passed me in school, it was painful to even think about. Should it all be over before it had even begun? Two days in and everything was already crumbling into pieces.
"Elena?" Mollie's voice echoed faintly through my ears, but I could barely hear her. My thoughts were getting louder and louder with every second that passed.
Above it all, I didn't want to go back to that place. Too much had happened there. Too much to ever be able to put into words and explain it to someone. They were things that I could never change and images that I could never erase from my mind. His face, the stupid grin and the mischievous spark of cruelty and satisfaction in his eyes, the memories of that place burned into my mind, all a constant reminder of my fear.
No! I sprung up in a suddenly from the couch. I couldn't let this happen. I wouldn't let them send me back to that place and I definitely wouldn't let them take all of this away from me again. I would fight for this and for these people. I would fight for myself because I knew, deep down, that every one of them would do the exact same for me. They mattered to me just like I mattered to them.
I stole a glance at Grayson as he sat there, watching me, his expression pained and guilt-ridden. I smiled softly at the sight of him. I would fight this for him – for me and for us – because in a strange way, we were already a family.
"Elena?" Elijah appeared at my side, putting his hand gently on my shoulder and giving me the reassurance that I needed to stand in front of them all to talk. "Are you okay?"
"I am," I lied, before turning to look at Molly and Grayson, a pleading look in my eyes. "I-I'm not gonna let this happen. She didn't want me back then and not once did she search for me in all those years we were apart. This… I don't want to leave here. Please don't make me leave!"
"Nobody is making you leave," Molly told me in a soft tone of voice.
"Then why did you even contact her in the first place?" I replied, my voice getting louder with every word.
Grayson sighed. "She is your mother, Elena. I thought she deserved to know that you were living with me now, but had I known that she would, I-"
"You what?" I barked, crossing my arms over my tiny chest in annoyance. "You hadn't told her the truth? But you did! And now she wants me to leave this place! You did this! This is all your fault!"
"Elena, please," he begged, his gaze desperately wandering over to Molly for some help.
"If you really wanna stay with your father, Elena, nobody is forcing you to leave. But now that Miranda knows that you're here," Molly explained to me in a gentle voice. "I don't think she will give up so easily. She will fight and if the court decides that you're better off with her in New Jersey… I don't think there is anything that either of us can do about it."
Anger rose up in me. "But what about I want? What if I don't want to go in New J-Jersey? Does that not count?"
"Of course it does, sweetie."
"Then why is nobody asking me about what is important to me? How I feel about this! Does she even care?" I cried, pushing Elijah back as he tried to calm me down. "No! She doesn't get to do this. None of you do! I don't want to go back there!"
"Elena, please," Grayson locked eyes with me, pleading. "Let's talk about this in peace. No shouting. We are going to find a way out of this. I promise you that. Please?"
My gaze wandered around the room, their words racing through my head as I tried to figure out what I was supposed to do. I couldn't leave, that much was clear, but would I really be able to sit in court and listen to people discuss my future while I wasn't allowed to speak up? I knew that if I really wanted to stay that I had to do it. I needed to be strong not only for myself but for the people around me. For Grayson. My family here. But I was only seventeen, barely a grown up. How could someone expect something so big from someone so young and broken as me?
I couldn't face the demons of my past. I wasn't made for this, let alone ready for it. The memories were too vivid, the wounds way too deep to ever be cured completely.
"I just," I mumbled, looking to the ground. "I need to-to be alone for a while. I-I'm sorry."
Holding back the tears that were about to break out, I turned away from them and headed towards the front door. I needed to get out of there, to distract myself and to think about all the things that were about to become even more complicated in my life. And I knew exactly where I needed to go. I needed to see him and have him hold me in his strong arms and hum silent melodies under his breath while he hugged me close, and yet gentle, as if I was the most precious thing to him.
Damon was my escape, the one thing that I wouldn't let be ruined by my horrid reality. When we were together, nothing else mattered. There was no past and no future. Just the here and the now. Just him and me.
"Elena! Wait a minute!"
I stopped in my tracks, my grip tightening around the doorknob as I turned to look at him, tears threatening to fall from eyes as I sobbed. "Elijah, I really need to be alone right now a-and as much as I appreciate you wanting to be here for me, this is something that I need to do alone and-"
"Hey, hey!" He interrupted me, his eyes softening. "I know, and I wasn't going to stop you."
"You weren't?" I frowned.
"No, dummy," he chuckled. "I know you, 'Lena, probably better than I know myself. And I know better than to follow you around like a lost puppy if you want to be alone. But if you ever need me again, don't even hesitate to call me, you hear me? I might be in Richmond and it might take me a few hours to get here, but I will always be there for you," he pressed a small kiss to my forehead. "Now go. Do what you need to do. But no drinking, alright?"
"Alright," I whispered.
"Good girl," his lips curled up in a smile. "Anyway, I gotta get Jensen and Amelia home in time. Otherwise Frank might actually try to kill me this time. Goodbye, little one. I will see you soon."
"Yeah," I said as the first tear rolled down my cheek. He pulled me in for a hug, my hands closing around his waist. "Thank you, Eli."
"That's what I'm here for, little one."
I looked up at him, freeing myself out of his embrace. "Say goodbye to Lia and Jensen for me, will you?"
"Of course," he told me softly. "Now go."
Taking a last look at Elijah, I opened the front door and ran into the rain, trying to protect myself with my coat. I ran - not even daring to look back at the service station and think about the people in it - as salty tears continued streaming down my pink cheeks, mixing themselves with the cold raindrops that were pouring down on me.
There was no soul for miles around as I slowed my pace but kept walking towards my destination. Everyone was locked up in their houses, hiding themselves from the upcoming thunderstorm. A bolt of lightening flashed up on the horizon, making me shiver as suppressed memories flooded through my mind. It didn't stop me and I kept walking nevertheless. I hated thunderstorms. Hell, they scared me shitless, always had done. It all started when I had reached the age of twelve and had started living with them. And with him - back in New Jersey.
I closed my eyes, trying to stop the tears from flowing. I started to walk quicker as the thunder grew louder and the sky got darker. This was not the time to think about him. I couldn't think of him. I needed to get to Damon.
Sighing, I tried to wipe away the dried tears and took my phone out, reading the time. 6.47 pm. I could only pray that Stefan wasn't home from football practice. I knocked on the door, waiting for Damon to open it and let me in. I sprung from one leg to the other, nerves rushed through my entire body as another lightning bolt flashed up in the sky.
God, please someone open the damn door!
"Elena?" his voice startled me, making me look up in surprise. "I didn't think you would come."
"Yeah, I'm sorry," I mumbled, my eyes melting into his as he stared at me in awe. "I got hold up."
Damon furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, a habit of his that I had noticed he quite often did when he couldn't put his finger on something. He studied my appearance, making me feel a bit uncomfortable in my state as water drops ran down my reddened face and dripped onto the ground. I hadn't even noticed that I was drenched from the rain, not a single spot on my clothes being dry.
"What happened?" he asked softly, placing his hand on my cheek and rubbing it gently with the pad his thumb. "Are you okay?"
I let my gaze wander over his perfect shaped face, his piercing blue eyes glimmering back at me and his raven black hair falling over his forehead in a soft curl. My knees began wobbling, my heart racing at an abnormal speed against my chest, a feeling of lifted weight spreading all through my body. Concern was written all over his face, his eyes trying to read mine, but I just stared blankly at him. It was hard to convince myself that this was real. That he was real. The reason for me being there had nothing to do with the tragic news that I had just been told or the horrid nightmares that had been plaguing my dreams at night, but to be with him. With us.
I had come here in desperate need of his presence, his warmth against my skin and because I needed something – someone - to hold onto and make me feel whole again.
Damon made me feel things that I had never felt before, emotions that I didn't even know existed before he entered my life. He made me feel wanted and needed, but also told me that it was okay to need someone else at same time. And right now, just like a duck needs water and a lion needs its lamb, I needed him to survive.
He would be the only one to pull me through this and he wouldn't even know it.
"Elena?" he stressed in a worried tone. "What's wrong?"
"I-I need y-you, please."
"I'm here, Elena," he planted a soft kiss to my forehead. "And I'm not going anywhere. Do you hear me? Please tell me what is wrong. I can help you."
"My-my Grayson and," I stammered as realization hit me. The truth was that he couldn't help me because he didn't know. None of them did. And I could never tell him, not in this lifetime. He would never look at me the same way as he did now - with this look full of love and concern and need. He might not know it yet, but I wasn't good for him. I destroyed the lives of those surrounding me, caring about me. He was clueless to who I really was and who I once had been. Completely clueless.
My past was like a cursed treasure that I was keeping locked up behind the deepest door in my heart. I could feel it aching and throbbing against my chest, a constant reminder of it. I couldn't tell him, not without losing him.
I tilted my head to the side, looking at him with my brown doe eyes, trying to memorize his face with my mind as fresh tears started rolling down my cheeks. I couldn't let go of him or the things that he made me feel - the feeling of waking up after sleeping for a thousand years, to feel alive after being dead for centuries. I couldn't lose that. I couldn't lose him.
"Elena? Please, let me help you."
Giving him a sad smile, I shook my head, not daring to look up at him as I whispered. "Nobody can help me. I've been lost for far too long already."
Living on the back nine, living out your past life, trying to make a living as an outlaw
Built the property to see, stealing away the way it used to be, everyone's used to it by now
You pack up your gun, make your best run, your thinking isn't breaking any new ground
But is there such a thing when you waltzed over me, wash away everything that you thought you found.
Where does the time go? I don't know
It's moving off the deep end
Black on blue feeling slow-mo
Now reach, I'll go
Plus it's too brave to see again.
A/N: SURPRISE! I hope you enjoyed the chapter, I've been waiting to write this one for a very long time already. As always, a huge thanks goes to my Beta Molly who I caused some trouble with this chapter. Our emails decided to make fun of us! SO THANK YOU MOLLY! And also a massive thank you to all of you who reviewed, favourited and alerted Guide You Home! I love you all!
Twitter: PureHeaart
