Chapter 9: White Shadows
When I was a young boy I tried to listen
And I wanna feel like that
Little white shadows
blink and miss them
Part of a system, I am
So there I was staying still as a statue on my black leather sofa while listening to Carlisle and Bella's conversation. And here I am, running away.
I stopped running as soon as I've reached my private sanctuary…my meadow. Though it's covered in snow from the season's greetings I lay down on the cold damp white carpet and watched the snow fall on me. It's true what they say that no two snowflakes look alike. I could easily picture all the crystalline cuts and details of each ice slate and catch them one by one without destroying them.
I took a deep breath, opened my eyes and in a swift movement I was sitting upright holding out my palm facing upwards as I let the crystal fall gingerly on my hand. As I examined it I reflected on some of the things Bella said to Carlisle while deliberately avoiding one little thing she said to him. I would save that for last.
I shook my head and watched as snow scattered in different directions from each swing then dropped on the white carpet. I might've looked like a big black dot on this white sheet because of my dark clothing and from that thought I immediately remembered Bella. This must be what she felt like all the time. The only black against the white. I shared her sentiments in some way. Being what I am, I've always felt that I wasn't meant to exist. No matter how hard we pretend to blend in with human life, we could never be. We would still be what we are no matter how we try to cover it. We are vampires and we are death.
I sighed and balanced the snowflake delicately on my finger as easy as touching a bubble without bursting it leisurely. The only thing that differentiates us from Bella is that we had the privilege of a choice. We could easily choose to let our primal urge take over and satiate our burning throats but we chose not to. We chose a compromise of still being what we are, predators but decided on preying on tofu. But Bella… she had no choice. It was death or nothing. It was her job, her duty, her life.
And what really gets me thinking is that I live and complain about my existence but for Bella… she accepted it. Though she admitted that looking back now that she could feel again that it was a miserable life and job, she still accepted it. I guess…in a way, we're luckier than Bella so who were we to complain?
If you ever feel like something's missing
Things you'll never understand
Little white shadows
Sparkle and glisten
Part of a system again
I shifted my attention to the snowflake resting on my finger and watched as I could see each color sparkle from its spectrum as the light hits it with my heightened vision. I watched as it glistened. It reminded me of my dreams which were coming back clearer and clearer. I am sure it was Bella I dreamt about when I was still human. She was like this snow, glowing, sparkling and white. Beautiful.
Scratch that. She still is. No amount of death or her black wings could ever make her a dark shadow. She had too much light in her to be darkness.
I shivered. To my cold skin, this snow is nothing but it is enough to give me the slightest shiver like I felt from her touch. I knew before that I felt this same shiver. Now I knew it was her. She was the white shadow I kept seeing, hovering over me. She was the calming presence I felt, the reassuring touch I craved… and she was mine.
I blinked.
She was mine. That was a fact. She was my guardian angel and once upon a time she lived for me. I scrunch up my face from sudden anguish. Yes, she was mine…but it was because I was her duty. I know she is bound to me once more for some reason she won't say but its duty bound once more I'm sure.
I shook my head.
Why do I even bother if she was bound to me or not? Why do I even bother to feel that I don't want her to be mine just because she has to? But why don't I want her to be unbound to me?
I sighed. Is it because I've never been a fan of living a life with boundaries, restrictions, or duties? Is it because I thought it was wrong to be forced to live with circumstances you never had a say in?
I twirled the snowflake gently, my ice skin preserving it.
Maybe.
But what was really bothering me was Bella loving me.
Love. I knew what love is. I've read all kinds of definitions and explanations. I've watched countless films and shows depicting this. I've seen pictures, paintings, sculptures, and even acts emulating this emotion. I see it each moment Carlisle looks at Esme… how Esme looks at him back… I see it each time from my siblings… and I've felt it from them and experienced it as I show them I love them back.
I know that the love I have for them was a whole different thing that they are experiencing with their better half and how I convinced myself I didn't need that kind of love. But all my ideals, my beliefs are changing…
It's because of my white shadow.
Bella.
All this noise, I'm waking up
All this space, I'm taking up
All this sound is breaking up
Ohhhhhhhh
Though I could hardly comprehend all the cacophony of feelings and emotions that course through me, pulsating and demanding, I knew it was somewhere there. Now I have a much better question.
Why do I care to know if Bella loved me because she was designed like that, to love – to love unconditionally or if she loved me because it was really her loving me? Why do I care to know if she loves me from her own accord?
Angels always loved their guarded. That's what she told Carlisle. But she mentioned attachment variability. How deep would the attachment be for a guardian angel to become an angel of death? Why do I care enough to think that her attachment to me was so great that it led to her transformation?
Maybe you'll get what you wanted
maybe you'll stumbled upon it
Everything you ever wanted
In a permanent state
Such arrogant thoughts! How could I wish that? Or worse, how could I wish that her love transcended past duty for me that ending up as death was a price she willingly paid? How could I even think about being happy with the idea that she loves me?
I wasn't worth it.
Before I was just a normal young boy who listened to his parents and tried to do good. But that was it. I was just an ordinary boy who died from an illness. Nothing special. There was nothing special in those seventeen years that I could remember. I remembered almost nothing. The only memories I could recall were of my mother and that was when she was dying, my painful transformation and just recently… my dreams of Bella…
Now, I'm even more unworthy of her love. Because she became a mirror of who I am – a being capable of being lethal, she became death. I was a monster and she was death.
Ah! Why do I even care if I deserve her or not? If anything, I owed her. I owed her a lot. But for me to think that she was mine?
I shook my head once more.
Technically, I just met her. What is she to me? What am I to her…?
I closed my eyes and let the snowflake drop. I trained my senses to follow the flake's plummet and hear it fall on the white carpet but it never did. Instead, I heard it drop on something closer than the ground. And I also heard…bells.
I opened my eyes and saw her crouched with her knees bent in front of me and I was taken from her beauty. She was facing sideways from me so I was able to see that she was wearing a black backless long dress with long sleeves. The material was jersey from what I could tell and it clung to her body beautifully and made her white skin stand out. I could see why it was backless as her ebony wings protruded from her back were big and curved around her. I heard tinkling once more and saw that she tied her velvet strewn bells laced around her ankles that peeked out a slit on her dress. She was not barefoot but wearing black strappy heels that went well with her velvet strapping.
Her hair swished and my eyes trailed from the long dark locks to her milky neck to her tilted delicate face. Her mouth was slightly parted and her chocolate eyes were half-lidded, emphasizing her long lashes that framed them as she examined her faced up palm. On her palm was my snowflake.
I stared at her unabashedly, racking my brain for words…any words to break the deafening silence. I could stay and watch her like this forever without moving but part of me wanted to reach out and touch her, hear her silky voice.
Then I found my voice.
"Bella…" I said my voice rough and she turned her face slowly to face me, unblinking, unreadable and I lost my voice once more.
We held our gazes for quite some time when she shifted her sight away from me and back to her palm. She half-smiled.
"You have an eye for detail. This is the prettiest snowflake from what I've seen today," she said, her voice so soft and barely above a whisper.
I grinned. "I beg to differ. I see a snowflake that far surpasses any beauty I've ever seen."
She looked back at me and cocked an eyebrow, "Oh? I am certain this is it. Can you point it out then? I wish to see it."
"Ah, my dear, that would require a mirror for you," I said sheepishly.
She just stared at me, then looked down at her palm again and played with the fragile white crystal absentmindedly, the corner of her mouth turning downwards. I made her frown once more.
"Surely you don't mean me. Snow is white. I'm not white," she said slowly.
I was right before. Though she admitted she has accepted her fate, it didn't mean she couldn't feel sad once in a while.
"Look here Bella," I said while catching another snowflake.
She looked at my palm and watched curiously, a question on her lips.
I continued. With my free hand, I took out a titanium fountain pen I borrowed from Carlisle. I then carefully placed the tip of the pen on the flake, attempted to warm it a bit, just enough to let ink flow by rubbing it with the driest portion of my jacket and let the ink coat the flake.
When I was done, I presented my product to Bella's curious gaze as she looked up at me waiting for an explanation.
"Snow is white, right Bella? But right now, what do you see? What color do you see on my palm?" I asked her.
"The snowflake is black now from the ink, but I don't understand why you did that…" she answered.
I smiled at her, "You're right that the snow is black from the ink but its still snow right? And what's the color of snow again, Bella?"
Then enlightenment shone in her eyes as she smiled brightly, "Snow is white."
I nodded, "Yes. See? No matter how we change the color of snow, underneath all the colors in the world, snow would still be naturally white. Snow would always be white. It just is. And so when I say you're the loveliest snowflake, you say, 'I know Edward. Thank you.'"
She laughed and the sound of bells rang in the air once more. She met my gaze and smiled shyly, "Thank you Edward."
I shook my head, "You didn't say it right," I teased.
Her brow puckered a bit in mock coercion but her smile never left her face, "Do I have to?"
I chuckled, "Yes."
She laughed again then fixed her face into a serious poker expression, "I know Edward. Thank you," she said in a dead pan manner and I couldn't help but laugh because she made her voice deep as she tried to imitate mine.
She laughed with me but then met my gaze once more. "But seriously, thank you."
I ran a hand through my hair then shrugged, "Just telling the truth. Lying is bad right?"
She chuckled, "Yeah but that's not what I'm thanking you for."
I adjusted my position so that I was lying on my sides facing her with my head propped on my elbow. "Then what?"
She looked down shyly and made patterns on the snow, "Thank you for seeing my light," then I stopped breathing as she looked up at me with her eyes swimming in emotions, a corner of her lips turned upward.
I fumbled for words, "Oh, that…well, I ah…"
Then she looked away and concentrated on something far away.
"What's wrong?"
She sighed, "I feel more death around me…"she whispered.
I was immediately concerned, "What do you mean?"
"I should rephrase. I feel more dead are around me. Are you expecting visitors?" she asked not looking at me. Then I heard them.
I half-smiled at her, "No. But we are expecting the rest of the family home."
She faced me with eyebrows raised, "There are…more of you…together?"
I smiled at her, "Yes. Bella, let's go back. I want you to meet my siblings."
She tilted her head, "Siblings?"
I grinned, "Four of them."
Then she smiled, "Your smile is so warm when you say, 'my siblings.' I would guess they are special and lovely. Yes, I would love to meet them."
I grinned wider and stood up quickly. I held my hand towards her and she took it shyly then I pulled her up. I opened my arms to her to which she grinned mischievously.
"What?"
"Oh I thought you were observant but clearly you're obtuse," she said smugly.
I was about to retort but realization dawned on me and she caught that.
"Race you!" she called out before taking off.
I chuckled, "No fair! You have wings!" then I dashed after her.
No matter what she is, she would still be my white shadow. The only white thing in my darkness.
Maybe you'll know when you see it
Maybe if you say it, you'll mean it
And when you find it you'll keep it
In a permanent state, a permanent state
As I was chasing after her, I thought, maybe everything happened for this reason. Maybe it all happened so we could meet again, like this. Now that we are in our permanent state. Maybe that's why I was never compelled to find my better half before. Maybe I already did. I smiled at that thought.
When I was a young boy I tried to listen
Don't you wanna feel like that?
When I was still human and way younger I always tried to too good and be good. I always tried to listen. I was happy I did. Otherwise, I would've driven my angel away.
You're part of the human race
All of the stars and the outer space
Part of the system again
So now I think that life, my existence is beginning to have meaning. I'm feeling like I belong…once more…
Maybe you'll get what you wanted
Maybe you'll stumble upon it
Everything you ever wanted
In a permanent state
Now I don't think permanence is a bad thing anymore. Maybe it's what I needed. Maybe this was really written to be.
Maybe you'll know when you see it
Maybe if you say it, you'll mean it
And when you find it you'll keep it
In a permanent state, a permanent state
Bella was and now is still my angel. I may have lost heaven once but at least I got to keep a slice of it.
Swim out on a sea of faces
Tide of the human races
Oh, an answer now is what I need...
All I need to know now if I really have feelings for Bella or if they are growing fast and strong. I needed to know if the love she expressed were not of duty but of her. I needed to know if it was out of her duty if it could penetrate those walls and love me freely.
Most of all, I needed her to know that I most definitely care about her.
All the other questions like her existence and my existence and such seem all trivial right now and could wait or remained unanswered for all I care.
All I could see ahead from my life of darkness is her light.
But…
Would I be enough to keep her?
Could I really keep her?
Those are the real questions.
See it in a new sun rising
See it break on your horizon
Oh, come on love, stay with me...
AN: Hello! Thank you very much for your reviews! I try to reply to all of them so sorry if I wasn't able to reply to some. As promised, I updated! I've changed the format a bit so that the chapter won't be messy to look at. The lyrics will no longer be aligned to the center but aligned left and italicized for an easy read. Tell me which you prefer and if you also have Coldplay songs to suggest.
I know I said that Bella would meet Alice and the others in this chapter but I think I had to leave the chapter as it is so the meeting would be more comprehensive next chapter. =)
Same thing applies; the song is the chapter title. (",).
Next week is exams week so you're looking at a Friday night or Saturday night update next week. If you have any questions or suggestions or just want to share something, feel free to pm me. I appreciate feedback! This story is very raw and I'm still working on Bella's angel rules so if you have ideas tell me. (",).
Much love,
Margaux
