I can't help but love you
Even though I try not to

I can't help but want you
I know that I'd die without you

War of Hearts, by Ruelle


As soon as the door clicked shut behind the two Shadowhunters Simon was out of bed, grabbing hastily the plastic bag Izzy had left on the chair and almost tearing open the bottles he found inside. The burning need to feed was gnawing at him violently once again, screaming at him to just drink everything up if he wanted to survive. It took him just a couple of minutes to drain every single drop of blood, feeling immediately how his whole body responded to be finally sated after going so long without proper nourishment, feeling good to be at last satisfied, with fresh, new blood running through his almost dried veins. It was his own fault if he'd been so hungry in the first place and he'd been pretty stupid for avoiding food, but getting rid of that constant hunger that was tormenting him since he couldn't remember when was a relief he welcomed.

Feeling a bit drowsy, his body still sore and bruised, he laid on the bed again, enjoying the soft and cozy mattress beneath him.

This is weird...

Now that he wasn't hungry anymore, his mind started going around in circles, trying to process what had happened in the last few days. It was kind of annoying not knowing exactly how things had gone in Camille's hideout when he'd been almost unconscious, and he regretted not asking Clary more about it, but at the moment he'd have to make it do with what little he knew. The bitch and Damian had been dealt with, and that was already something that he was happy about, even if he didn't know exactly how that had happened. It was actually pretty strange to think that Camille was really gone and that he'd been the one to actually send her to Hell, and despite being extremely happy for her death, he still felt an annoying sense of absence and longing if he thought about her; she was his Sire after all, and she'd been right saying that her demise would affect him - still, he would gladly mourn her for his whole existence if it meant she wasn't a threat to anyone anymore.

The severed Sire Bond was bothering him, but what was truly confusing was the Clan's will to talk to him. After Raphael had banished him and Lily had made pretty clear that he'd be dead meat the moment she saw him again, he was sure that nothing would ever made them reconsider his situation, and yet there he was, shaking slightly and fighting with all his might that little spark of hope that was still burning deep inside his heart. He didn't think that killing Camille would be enough to recover his place in the family but, maybe, it'd be enough to give him at least a chance to ask properly for their forgiveness. He knew it'd be hard and there wasn't any certainty that he'd be forgiven in the end, but he missed them so much and he'd endure any kind of punishment just to give it a try.

He sighed and rolled onto his side, feeling for the first time in a while relaxed and a lil' bit hopeful; it wasn't much but it was more than he deserved, and he could work with it.

Thinking about the Clan, he couldn't avoid thinking about their Leader too. It'd been a shock find out that he was Raphael's mate and that he now bore his Mark, but he'd been too busy trying to kill his Sire to really focus on that shocking news, so now that he actually had the time to reflect about it, he wasn't sure how he was supposed to react. The pain and the frustration for being rejected were kinda obvious and expected - and he was almost used to them by now - but he didn't know what to make of the Mark. Honestly, he still wasn't sure how all that mates thing worked; from what he read about Marking and Bonding, he'd understood that there were some sort of rituals or whatever to make them, but apparently that wasn't the case. Apparently, since Marks and Bonds were spontaneous magic that worked only between mates, maybe the will to create them was good enough for it to work, without all the ceremonies and stuff that the books had talked about; in his poison-induced haze Raphael had wanted to claim him and that had been sufficient for the magic to work - and that would also explain why the vampire had been so affectionate with him. Another thing that worried him was that now it was pretty much impossible for any Downworlder to not sense the Mark the moment he was close enough, and that would definitely be a problem when he'd met the Clan because he was pretty sure that they wouldn't be happy about their beloved Leader and the traitor hooking up like that.

Simon sighed again, hugging the pillow and pressing his face against it, happy for the time being that he could stay hidden like that without needing to breath. He knew he should've been angry about it, that a non-consensual Mark wasn't any better than his now gone non-consensual Sire Bond, but he couldn't avoid being a little pleased knowing that in that exact moment he was Raphael's, that he belonged to him and that everyone would be able to tell. He knew that - if they accepted him back - they would break that connection as soon as possible, but now, in his room, alone and in the dark, there was nothing stopping him from believing that his mate had actually meant what he'd done - he would swallow in that empty hope as long as he could; after all, it wasn't like daydreaming could hurt him more than reality could.

When Simon woke up again he hadn't even realized that he'd fallen asleep, his body just shutting down and taking all the sleep it could afford. He still felt tired and different parts of his body ached, but overall he felt rested enough to get up. This time he was alone in the room; he didn't know how long he'd slept, but if no one had woken him up yet then he still had some time to have a much needed shower and put some clothes on before the vampires got there.

The lukewarm water washed away any trace of dirt and blood, leaving only clean and smooth skin behind, and when he was done and glanced at his reflection on the mirror his face looked healthier and less pale than the last time he'd seen it. He felt better, he knew his body was healing properly, and yet the two small punctures Raphael's bite had left on his shoulder were still there, still visible.

Is that the Mark? He couldn't avoid ponder.

It was weird to think that Raphael's poison was now running in his blood screaming to any Downworlder that his mate had claimed him, that they were meant to be.

And yet, despite everything, they wouldn't be together.

He rejected me...

Now that he wasn't laying in his bed, his hopeless daydreaming not protected by the dark anymore, it was a lot harder to ignore the painful reality he was living in. Honestly, he didn't even know if Raphael was aware of what he'd done; maybe he'd forgotten everything about that evening, maybe he didn't remember what happened when he was out of his mind, maybe he didn't know that he'd kissed him like he was the most precious thing in the world...

Simon didn't know how he would face his mate. The last time they talked Raphael had banished him from the DuMort without even looking at him, and even if it seemed that now he was willing to give him a chance to earn his place in the family back, he was sure that that wouldn't change his mind about their relationship - or, actually, the lack of it.

He shook his head trying to wish those depressing thoughts away, and then got dressed, putting on a clean black shirt and a pair of comfy jeans. When he got out of the bathroom Clary was waiting for him, a small smile on her face.

"They're here. You ready?"

Simon sighed, worry suddenly chewing at him. "As ready as I'll ever be."

She just laughed and took his hand, dragging him trough the hall and out the Institute.

Here goes nothing.


Lily was a practical girl that had lived long enough to be able to handle every kind of situation life would throw at her, so it was surprising to say the least that, for the first time in a while, she had no idea how she was supposed to behave once their baby got there. It wasn't like she could forget how their last meeting went; that time she'd tried to kill him, and since Simon couldn't possibly know what had happened in the meanwhile, she just couldn't hug the hell out of him out of the blue even if that was what she wanted to do; he would freak out and think that she went nuts, and that wasn't really a good start.

She was still struggling with her thoughts when she saw Simon approaching them, accompanied by the annoying redhead. She wanted to be mad at the Shadowhunter for meddling in their affairs when she had clearly asked for Simon to be alone, but since she'd kept her promise to inform them the moment the baby woke up and was willing to let him go without a fuss, she could let it slide for once.

When the two stopped a few steps away Lily was frozen in the spot, hesitant to make any move. Luckily Melissa - that for some reason had insisted to go with her - took the lead and broke the uncomfortable silence.

"So you're still alive, asso." She smirked "I was sure you'd kick the bucket as soon as the fight started."

Simon looked mildly offended even if a smile was curving his mouth "I'm always happy to disappoint." Melissa just chuckled and shook her head lightly. Only then Simon looked towards Lily, a mix of fear and hope clearly written all over his face; he seemed tense and was fidgeting a bit, not knowing what to expect from her.

"Hi, Lily." He eventually said, this time avoiding her eyes.

"Fledgling."

The tension was still there between them, uncomfortable and kinda annoying.

"Oh, come on, guys." Melissa snorted and slapped Lily's head as if that painless hit could knock some courage into her "Just hug already and let's get on with it, we don't have all night."

Simon tensed even more, his whole body stiff and ready to bolt, his hands clenching into shaking fists. Lily knew him well enough to understand every thought behind his reaction, his distress and embarrassment obvious in his behavior; he was worried, not knowing what she would do, not understanding what the Clan wanted from him, and it was that evident discomfort that made her move, forgetting all about her uncertainty. She rushed to him and punched him hard enough to bruise but not enough to make him lose balance. Simon's eyes widened and couldn't conceal the hurt and dejection he was surely feeling for being hit after hoping that he had a chance to go back home; with the corner of an eye Lily saw the Nephilim put her hands on her weapon, looking at her warily, but she couldn't care less.

"That was for being an idiot" she stated firmly, and then she wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly "And this is for being our idiot."

For a moment Simon stood there, frozen and shocked, but he recovered and soon enough he was returning timidly the hug, his body shaking a bit.

"I'm sorry..." he whispered, his voice trembling "I'm so, so sorry..." and then he was crying freely on her shoulder, his arms tightening almost painfully around her. If she teared up a bit too, she would definitely deny it later.

"We'll sort everything out." She assured him, a tiny smile on her face "You'll be fine."

They stayed like that for a couple of minutes, neither of them wanting to let go just yet, and it was only when Simon's tears stopped that they took a step back.

"I don't understand," Simon said with evident uncertainty in his voice "you tried to kill me, you shouldn't be hugging me...it doesn't make sense! And why are-"

Lily chuckled and interrupted him before he could keep going with his long string of questions.

"We have all the time to talk, baby. For now let's just get going."

Before the fledgling could step forward the redheaded Shadowhunter grabbed his arm, stopping him.

"Let's get this straight, vampire." She glared at Lily "If anything happens to Simon you'll regret it. I'm letting him go 'cause I know he wants to go, but I'm still going to keep an eye on you."

Lily huffed, annoyed. "We've already been through this, angel. He's safe with us, don't ever doubt that."

"Uh, we'll see." The girl turned towards Simon and smiled "Whatever you need, you know where to find me. Don't be a stranger." And after a brief hug she retreated towards the Institute, leaving the three vampires finally alone.

"Come on, baby, time to go."

Without pointing it out loud, they mutually agreed to walk at mundane-speed; it was obvious that Simon still needed some time to process everything out and to relax a bit. Lily stayed a couple steps behind, leaving to Melissa the task to loosen the fledgling up; honestly, if he couldn't face the second-in-command, she had no idea how he would face the whole clan - and especially the Clan Leader - once they got to the Hotel.

"How's Malia?" Simon asked, seeming concerned.

"She's fine, kind of. The bitch's death affected her more than we thought it would."

"Yeah, I get that...I still feel a bit weird, I guess is even harder for a newly Turned vampire." Simon shook his head, seeming annoyed for a moment, then changed topic. "So, you're part of the Chan, now?" He asked, glancing every now and then towards Lily.

"Hey, it's not bad, at least we've got a roof over our heads. And they owned me big time after saving your sorry ass."

"What?"

"That asshole used you as an hostage so your rescue team wouldn't fight back and I created an opening for them. I'm awesome like that." she smirked and Simon just snorted.

"Whoa, then I suppose I have to thank you. I'd really have kicked the bucket without you." He bumped his shoulder against the girl, a tiny smile on his mouth.

Melissa chuckled. "It was already complicated getting rid of the she-devil, I didn't want another jerk as our boss."

"I didn't expect things to go like that...You didn't know anything about Damian, did you?"

"Nope, nothing at all. Everyone thought he was the perfect watch dog, always following the orders."

Without being able to stop, Lily interjected, grimacing. "He's always being like that, trying to deceive everyone."

Simon stopped, turning towards her for the first time, clearly a bit more relaxed after the short chat with the girl. "You knew him?"

"More than I'd like to." She huffed, annoyed "He was part of our Clan. And this wasn't the first time he tried to become the Leader."

Now that she had admitted that much, Lily knew that she had to let it all out, tell him who Damian was and explain that it was that bastard's fault if she had reacted so badly when she'd found out that Raphael was his mate; she knew that only if she was completely honest with her baby he would feel reassured and would calm down around her.

"Melissa, can you leave us alone?" The girl was taken aback by the request, but didn't complain and in a second was gone.

Lily took a deep breath and started talking, knowing that if she hesitated for even a moment she wouldn't be able to speak anymore. "The first time was when Camille's vice was killed, almost half a century ago. Damian thought it was his chance to become the new second-in-command." She snorted "Obviously that wasn't the case, everyone knew Raph was the best choice, and Camille knew that too, and she's smart enough to not displease the Clan choosing the wrong man."

Since Simon didn't say anything she kept talking, anxious to get everything out of her system. "He didn't take it too well...and instead of challenging Raphael to a fair fight, he...he used me."

"What?" Simon frowned, confused "How?"

Lily signed. "Damian was my mate." She finally admitted through gritted teeth "He wooed me, and we Bonded." She then spat, disgusted "You know how dangerous Bonds can be, and he wasn't afraid to use their power to achieve his goal. He threatened Raphael into giving up his spot to protect me...if he didn't accept the son of bitch would have killed me, using our link to prevent any fighting from my part..."

It was humiliating to admit out loud that she'd been bewitched by that bastard, that the idea to have finally met her mate had been so electrifying that she hadn't noted what Damian was doing until it was too late.

"What happened then?"

"They fought, and Raph won." She shook her head "But he was stupid enough to spare that asshole's life thinking that there could be some sort of redemption for him." She huffed "Apparently, that's not Raph's best idea."

Suddenly she was surround by arms and pressed against a solid chest, and it took her a second to understand that Simon was hugging her.

"I'm sorry" he whispered, his voice trembling "I didn't know...that's why you were so angry...I'm not like that, I swear, I wouldn't-"

Lily wrapped an arm around his waist, her free hand petting his short hair.

"You couldn't have known." She smiled "And I know you would never take advantage of your mate like Damian did, but I was too surprised to think clearly."

"I'm sorry..."

"Oh, come on, baby, stop apologizing" She pushed him away enough so their eyes could meet "I shouldn't have snapped like that, I lost control for nothing, and I'm sorry."

Simon shook his head and took a step back. "Why are you so...forgiving? I thought you would never want me back..."

"We never wanted to send you away." She said, her voice firm and steady "Given a couple more years to make the fuss thin out, we would have accepted you back." Seeing Simon's unsure look she continued "We're family, we stick together, no matter what. Honestly, all this mess just sped everything up. You killed Camille and protected our Leader and the Clan doing so, and now we finally have an excuse to bring you back without the others complaining that we play favorites when it concerns you."

"I don't-"

"Baby, Raphael spared Damian's life even if the bastard clearly didn't deserve it, you really think that letting Camille out would be enough to make him kick you out forever?"

"Yes, that's what I thought, that's what happened!" Simon stepped back again, his eyes widening a bit, a lost look on his pale face. "You just can't tell me all this and expect me to believe you! I tried to apologize, I tried to talk with him, but nothing worked!" he dropped his head, looking defeated "I've been alone for an entire year, thinking that I'd be alone for the rest of my life too..."

Lily was taken aback by his strong reaction to her words and just wanted to reassure him that every single thing she said was the truth, but she didn't open her mouth again, not sure that anything she would say would make the situation better. Really, she couldn't blame him; considering that until a couple hours ago he thought they wanted him dead, it was understandable that he wouldn't accept the news straight away.

"I know it's a lot to take in, but you have to trust me, baby."

He didn't answer, but she didn't mind and instead smiled at him "Come on, if we take more than this the boss is gonna kill me."


Saying that Raphael was tired was an understatement. Since he'd overthrown Camille his life had become more tumultuous than he expected, first with Simon's betrayal and then with Valentine and the war.

The last year had been hell, his mind divided between fighting and trying to keep his Clan alive, and the gnawing pain caused by his missing mate. Honestly, after all that had been dealt with, he'd thought that he'd finally get the rest he deserved. He should've known better.

The last year had been hard, but the last week hadn't been any better, with his poison-induced haze, the Bonding and Simon's rescue, and having to wait four long, endless days for the fledgling to wake up without the certainty that he'd be fine in the end had just been the finishing blow.

And that was the worst part of the ordeal; the physical fatigue he could easily live with, what truly worn him out was the emotional roller-coaster he'd been subjected to without mercy. Even if he had control over his emotions and didn't let them dominate him, it was undeniable that the last year had taken a toll, and now he was beyond exhausted, the only thing he wanted was to just lay down on his bed and be left alone until his body and mind didn't feel like jelly.

Unfortunately, he knew that proper rest was still far away; even if Camille and Damian were gone and there wasn't any immediate danger around the corner, there were still a lot of things he had to take care of, first of all his stupid mate's situation. He'd already talked with the Clan about his intention to accept the fledgling back, explaining that getting rid of Camille was a good enough act to give him at least a chance, and even if someone had not been thrilled about it, no one actually complained, so he counted it as a win.

Even if the vampires were kind of okay with his decision, that didn't erase his other problem: the non-consensual Mark and Bond. For as much as he was thinking about it, he had no idea how he was supposed to handle the situation, and guiltiness and worry were eating him out, remanding him over and over again that he'd messed up and there was no easy way out of it, that he had to pay and suffer for what he'd done to his own mate.

Raphael sighed defeated when he heard hurried footsteps come towards his office, followed by a short knock on the left-ajar door.

"Come in."

Stan pushed the door open, a stern scowl on his face. "I know you didn't want to be disturbed, but he just won't listen." He huffed, clearly annoyed.

The Leader pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head. "It's okay, let him in." He'd been dreading this moment, not knowing what would come out of this conversation, and he really wished he could spare himself what would come next, but he also knew that whatever would happen, he deserved it.

Stan nodded briefly, and a couple of seconds later Magnus Bane was standing in the doorway.

"Hello, Raphael." The warlock smiled as he shut the door behind his back "One would think that after all the decades we've known each other your underlings would just let me pass without all the fuss."

"He's just doing his job." He answered, not fooled for even a moment by the warlock's niceness, noting right away the faint glow of his eyes and how tense his body was. "Have a seat."

The man sat on one of the chairs in front of his desk. "You know why I'm here." He started, intertwining his fingers on his lap. "Now that our little sunshine finally woke up and you are again in your right mind to talk, there are things we need to discuss." He tilted his head and frowned a bit "Don't you think?"

Raphael sighed once again. "I suppose I should thank you for waiting, then."

Magnus chuckled. "I am absolutely furious with you, but I'm not that much of a jerk. I know how it feels when your mate is in danger, talking with you when his life was still hanging on the line wouldn't have been of any use."

"So," the Leader straightened his back, staring at the warlock "is this going to be a civil conversation or should I get ready for some kind of painful spell?"

The man laughed. "I still didn't do anything, did I? I'd take advantage of that to explain myself."

Knowing that that was a subtle way to incite him to just try to clear up things, he didn't hesitate. "I didn't plan any of this." He started, opting to be as brief as possible "The Bond was as much an accident as the Mark was, and if I could take everything back I would, without a doubt."

"That doesn't change what you did, Raphael. You forced this connection on an unaware person." The warlock narrowed his eyes "Being intoxicated when it happened doesn't excuse your actions"

Raphael dropped his gaze, feeling as if he'd been slapped. He knew that much, the guilt and regret were constantly kicking him since he'd found out about it, and even if Lily had tried to reassure him saying that it wasn't his fault, he'd known that the warlock wouldn't think so, and that made him feel even worse.

"I know." He admitted, running his hand over his face hoping that that would take away some of the tiredness. "I know I fucked up. What I did to my mate is inexcusable, and I deserve whatever punishment you see fit."

Magnus raised an eyebrow, seeming surprise that the Leader was so willing to submit to any penalty he'd throw his way, and at that Raphael snorted because, really, the warlock should know better; he never ran away from his mistakes, and he wouldn't start now.

"As soon as Simon gets here I will erase the Mark and break the Bond," Magnus announced "and, if it doesn't concern any Clan business, you won't go anywhere near him if he doesn't purposely give you his permission."

The vampire tensed, every cell of his body screaming at him to just get rid of this person that wanted to keep him away from what was his, especially now that he would finally get his mate back at the Hotel. He clenched his hands and took a deep breath, knowing that letting himself be let by instincts wouldn't be the brightest move at the moment. He was the one at fault, he'd kissed his mate forcibly, he'd invaded his privacy, he'd violated him in such hideous ways that the warlock had any right to keep him away, where he couldn't hurt him again.

"I would have asked you to do so even if you hadn't decided to do it by yourself." He admitted after getting his emotions under control, knowing that getting rid of the link was the only way to start over with the fledgling.

Unexpectedly, Magnus sighed. "Really, Raphael?" He shook his head "You really think I would ever forbid you to get close to your mate?"

"It's not like I don't deserve it." He retorted, frowning in confusion.

"I know, you truly deserve it, and if it wasn't you I would go through with it, using any magic I have to make sure you couldn't even touch him again," If the man noted the slightly widened eyes of the vampire at that threat, he didn't let it show "but, it is you we're talking about, and that changes everything."

"It shouldn't."

"Probably, but it does nonetheless."

Raphael huffed, not understanding where the warlock wanted to get to. "Why threatening me if you don't intend to proceed with it?" He narrowed his eyes, glaring at him "I'm the one at fault and I accept your punishment."

"Raphael, I know you and I know you think you deserve to be condemned for what you've done, but it's not that easy. While I don't condone what you did, I'm perfectly aware that you really didn't intend to take advantage of your mate in any way, and the fact that you're willing to sacrifice your own desires and keep your distance to ensure his safety just proves me right." Seeing that the vampire wasn't about to add anything, he kept talking "You made a mistake, a very big one, but I am sure you can fix this, as much as I am sure that Simon will at least give you a chance to make amend for it."

"This shouldn't have happened in the first place..." Raphael closed his eyes and ran one hand through his hair "He'll be here soon and I don't know what to do. Even if Lily probably told him that we want him back, it won't be easy to convince him that we actually mean it, especially after what happened at your flat." He sighed "How am I supposed to explain all this mess to him?"

"You shouldn't."

Raphael narrowed his eyes, wondering if he'd heard right. "Excuse me?"

"I believe not telling him about the Bond would be the smartest thing to do at the moment."

"Exactly, how lying to him could ever be of any help? Right now he already doesn't trust me, keeping this from him would wreck any chance I have to make things right."

"I don't think so." Magnus frowned "You think that breaking the Bond is the only way to start over and that it'll erase part of your guiltiness, but you have to think about Simon too."

The vampire hissed, annoyed by his last comment. "I always think about him first." he spat, trying to keep his head clear.

The warlock just sighed and shook his head. "It will be hard enough for Simon to believe that you really want him back without pushing all this on him." he narrowed his eyes when the other was about to retort, shutting him up "You're a man of honor, I know that as much as Simon, and if you tell him now he'll think that you let him back only because you feel guilty, and that's not what you want, is it?"

Raphael really wanted to tell him that he was wrong, that lying to Simon was not an option, but the more he thought about the warlock's words the more they made sense - still, he didn't like it.

"I'm not going to lie to him."

"It's not lying if he doesn't ask." and hearing the vampire's huff he chuckled "Raphael, my friend, I understand why you don't like this, but it's the right thing to do. What he doesn't know, can't hurt him, and that's what we want, isn't it?, to keep little sunshine safe and happy."

"You seem quite concerned with the fledgling's wellbeing." the vampire frowned a bit "Since when you do care?"

"Oh, well, I was already fond of him, after all this year working together," Magnus moved a hand around dismissively " but after you left him at my apartment we had a much enlightening chat that just makes me want to shield him from any more suffering."

"Then, it surprises me even more that you're so calm about all this. I was sure you'd castrate me or something."

The warlock laughed. "Don't misunderstand me, I'm very much disappointed in you, but I'm mature enough to know when things slip from our control and can't be stopped even if we want to. Still, I'm going to keep an eye on you, and if you don't fix this as you should, you better run." he finished the sentence with a smirk, but Raphael knew better than not taking the threat for what it was, so he kept his mouth shut, tensing a little under the intense gaze of the warlock. He knew Magnus wasn't pleased about what had happened and that only his affection towards him was stopping any kind of painful magic-produced punishment, and he was a bit relieved even if he still thought he deserved it. He startled when the warlock stood up.

"Well, I suppose I'll take my leave now. You'll need some privacy to talk with your cute, innocent mate." he smiled leisurely "And remember to be nice, you snarky jerk."

"I hate you."

"No, you don't." and then one of his closest friends walked out the office, slamming the door.