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Previously:
Alice then said stunned "So that's why you disappeared, not because you were dead, but because you were always surrounded by the wolves and I couldn't see you".
We were all then surprised when we sensed movement from the back door and a desperate soft whisper "What happened then?"
BPOV:
I physically flinched at the sound of that oh-so familiar voice, I couldn't help myself, it was so shocking to actually hear it for real now and not just in my dreams. It was a sound that brought me so much joy, because it meant my love had returned but it also brought pain, because he hadn't actually returned to ME, and I was again confronted with the reality that he didn't want me and didn't love me.
I didn't turn around to look at him, I couldn't. I sat frozen in my seat, staring at my trembling hands, which I quickly shoved between my knees to keep them still. I didn't look up either, I didn't want his family to see the pain and sorrow that I was sure would be blazing from my eyes. They didn't need to see it and have to bear the burden of my pain; I didn't want to cause them to have any ill feelings towards Edward. He couldn't help how he felt about me, and he deserved their love much more than I did. After all, I was human and would only be around for one lifetime; Edward on the other hand, would be with them for an eternity, when I would fade to just a dim light in their memories.
I gathered all my strength and breathed a deep sigh before I continued my tale of what happened after Victoria's first visit. I closed my eyes and croaked hoarsely "I...we waited. She played with us, toyed with me, returning every few weeks, but never near enough for the wolves to attack. Sam said she was testing us, waiting for the right opportunity to attack. I tried to hide as much of my worry from Charlie as I could, but he knew something was up. He actually got to the point of wanting to send me away to get help; he said it pained him so much that I was hurting and that he couldn't do anything about it, that he hated Edw...him for doing this to me. I couldn't tell him what was really bothering me and that hurt me even more, I hated lying to him...and worse was the knowledge that my presence was putting him in danger. At one point I thought it might be easier and less painful for us both if Victoria had just killed me that first time."
Esme let out a loud shudder of pain at my words, reaching across the couch to grab my hand tightly, "Oh Bella, never say that, never. Too many people love you to let that happen," she cried. Alice came to sit by me on the arm of the couch, tentatively putting her hand softly on my shoulder and then moving to stroke my hair. I felt myself give a slight smile at the love I felt from their touch, a love I had so sorely missed all this time. I also noticed that Edward had not come further into the room, I wasn't even sure if he was still here, he hadn't made a sound.
As if sensing my thoughts he whispered softly, but with fierceness "Did she hurt you?"
Once again my body flinched at his voice and Alice and Esme just tightened their grip on me, conveying their love, which reassured me enough to go on. I had never talked about this with anyone and I wasn't sure if I was strong enough to do it now, but I had to try. "Well define hurt me...emotionally? Yes, would be an understatement. Physically? Does it matter? Is it any worse?" I whispered.
"Yes" came his fierce hiss.
"Victoria played with us for months, taunting me and the wolves, getting close but never close enough. Things began turning up in the mail, first was a lock of blood-covered hair, the next was a human finger. She sent them all in college acceptance letters, so I was never sure if they were from her or the college until I actually opened them. One day Charlie opened a letter from Dartmouth and found a blood covered letter with the words, I'm tired of waiting." I shuddered at the memory.
"He totally freaked out, wanting to yell at the college, but I finally managed to convince him that someone must have been playing a joke. He took a lot of convincing, but finally he let it go. After that, I always checked the mail first and threw out any acceptance letters; luckily I had got my acceptance to college here before all this started, so the decision to come here was made for me. Things got quite for a while, the wolves thought Victoria might have finally given up, but I knew better and I should have stood up for myself more. It might have saved so much suffering" I managed to shudder.
"What did she do to you?" came his rough cry.
"By that point in time, nothing she could do to me would hurt me, she could only hurt those I loved. I was nothing, I felt nothing, and she was nothing, but still that didn't stop her. The Quileute boys were reluctantly busy with a mandatory school excursion one day, Sam was with Emily at the hospital and Quil had skipped school to guard me. I was bored, angry and I should have known better" I shouted, so angry with myself.
This was so hard to talk about, it felt like therapy. I shot a look at Carlisle sitting on the couch across from me, but he was looking intently behind me, with a look of pain on his face. When he noticed my gaze upon him he gave me an encouraging grin and a soft nod of his head to continue. I half-heartedly returned his smile, but it felt more like a grimace and I continued.
"I convinced Quil to come with me for a walk into the forest. I said that I needed some fresh air and freedom and I stupidly managed to convince him, despite knowing that Victoria would not have given up. I called him a chicken, goaded him into agreeing with me" I said mockingly.
"He gave into me and I actually felt triumphant at the time. I told him I wanted to go to the meadow where Laurent was killed, that I needed to see it again to put the attack to rest. He reluctantly agreed and we set off, me trudging through the rainy, damp forest with him leading the way. We finally reached the meadow about midday and as soon as I entered the meadow I immediately felt regret for coming there. I think I had already known it would not hold any answers for me, but still I went. It felt empty and only I knew why."
"The sun amazingly came out then, its golden light illuminating the beautiful meadow and Quil laid down in the soft grass, saying his was tired after having to carry my clumsy ass half-way there. I chuckled at him and began to walk aimlessly around the meadow. I was across the far side of the meadow when it happened. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Quil swiftly jump to his feet and phase. I didn't have time to even find out what he was reacting to, all I felt was the sharp pain of knives quickly slicing down my back and a hard arm reaching around my body to push me harshly to the ground. A bare foot pushed down heavily on my chest, pinning me to the ground, flame hair hovering evilly above me. It was Victoria and I admit in that second, I almost felt relief, that it would be over now. The pain on my chest was crushing, I couldn't breathe and my back was stinging so badly, I felt and smelt the tell-tale sticky wetness there, which could only be blood. I heard vicious snarling and screamed no to Quil, to leave and get help, that I wasn't worth it."
"But I couldn't scream loud enough, I couldn't make him hear me and he lunged at Victoria. Thankfully she moved off my chest and I managed to painfully sit up and I helplessly watched their swirling figures as they fought. I couldn't make out who was winning but the sound of the hissing, snarling and crashing bodies was sickening. Suddenly something white made a harsh thump as it landed on the ground near my feet and I looked down to be confronted by the sickening sight of a pale white leg, torn off at the knee. I couldn't help myself and threw up. When I turned back around..." I stopped, a harsh sob wracking my body.
"I'll get you some water" Esme said motherly. I gave her a grateful look through my tear-filled eyes. I took a grateful gulp of the cool water and took a depth breath "When I turned back around, the leg was still there but Qu...Quil was now lying in an unmoving heap beside it" I sobbed.
"I rushed over to him, screaming no over and over but when I got to him, it was too late, she'd torn his...his throat out. All because of me, Quil died because of me" I screamed, violent sobs wracking my body. Esme pulled me onto her lap and just held me fiercely saying over and over, "Not because of you Bella, not you".
After a while I had calmed down enough to continue, I wanted to get this over with and never speak of it again. A familiar voice sneered "Victoria, what happened to her?"
"I couldn't see her, I knew she was injured and thought she must have run off. I was so upset I just huddled against the diminishing warmth of Quil's body and sobbed quietly, waiting for her to come back and kill me" I paused to take another gulp of water.
"She never did, the next thing I knew Jacob was hovering over me and had picked me up in his warm embrace, telling me everything was going to be ok, that'd he found Victoria and killed her, that I was safe now. All I remember is crying Quil's name over and over. Jacob carried me all the way home and then told Charlie he had found me after a bear had attacked me in the forest, that Quil had been with me and was now missing. Charlie checked to make sure I was ok, I assured him that I was and he launched a search party."
"The wolves went along with this, because as Quil was dead, he couldn't phase back, therefore there was no human body to be found. They went with the excuse that Quil had been taken and killed by the bear while saving me, Quil was a hero. They searched for days, the Quileute's keeping up the charade, even though they knew the truth and Quil's body was never found. Jacob finally managed to drag me to the hospital and I got my back cleaned and stitched up. Victoria's nails had raked my back from my shoulder all the way to the edge of my jeans, causing deep jiggered lacerations" My speech was abruptly interrupted by a feral hissing sound coming from behind me, but I had to continue, to get this over with.
"They required hundreds of stitches and scarred me terribly, she also broke four of my ribs, but I got off lightly, I knew it should have been me dead" I finished with defiance.
"No" came his harsh cry from behind me. "Never say that".
Edward flashed across the room with vampire speed to kneel at my feet, his hands grasping mine desperately. "Please Bella; it never should have been you. None of this should have ever happened. I'm sorry, it's all my fault" he cried.
I suddenly snapped, yanking my hands from his grasp and launching to my feet. He quickly stepped back from me, a look of shock on his face. I couldn't bear it a second longer and ran; I didn't know the layout of the house so I just ran in the opposite direction from him. I saw light up ahead and ran towards it, I vaguely heard his soft footsteps coming after me but I ignored him. I pushed open the door and ran outside, only to be confronted by the Cullen's backyard. I didn't have time to be awed by the magnificent lake; I just wanted to be alone. I spotted a beautiful long wooden jetty reaching out onto the lake and ran towards it, not stopping until I had reached the end, slumping heavily to the wooden planks and moving my feet to hang over the edge. I stared absently out onto the lake while sobs and painful memories wracked my body.
I don't know how long I sat there until I heard quite footsteps tentatively moving behind me. I took a depth breath and prepared myself for what he had to say, because I knew it was him, I would know his footsteps anywhere; you know those things when you love someone as much as I love him. But now, I mentally prepared myself once again for his rejection.
I heard him close the final steps behind me and take an unnecessary deep breath "Bella" he whispered softly, the sound of my name on his lips caused an involuntary shiver to run throughout my body. "I'm so, so sorry" he cried, his voice full of anguish and...regret?
Once again I snapped, I couldn't help myself, all this bottled up rage was just exploding form within me. I launched to my feet, facing him and glared at him, shouting "Sorry! You're sorry! For what? For everything? For leaving? For having to see me again? For me surviving?"
I knew my words were harsh, I could see them inflicting pain upon him through his eyes. But I just continued to attack him, circling him until we had swapped positions so he was now at the end of the jetty. I moved towards him and looked deeply into his eyes, challenging him to explain himself.
"Bella I'm sorry for everything, for so many things. I'll never forgive myself for what I did to you. But I'm definitely not sorry that your alive and I'm most definitely not sorry that I get to see you again...I love you Bella" he whispered.
"You what?" I screamed
"I love you"
"Arghh" I screamed in anger and pointed into his chest "Don't lie to me, I've been through so much, lived with so much pain, I can't bare anymore lies...any more of this" I cried, pain and anger blazing from my eyes, burning into him. He reached his arms up to pull me into his chest, but I reacted instinctively and pushed against his chest, pushing him away from me. I must have caught him by surprise because the next thing I knew, he was falling backwards and splashing into the cold lake below. I quickly hovered over the edge of the jetty to look for him and saw him resurface.
I finally looked down at him with tears streaming from my eyes and stared intently into his eyes. I mouthed silently to him "I'm sorry too," and then I turned and ran back up the jetty and launched myself into Alice's awaiting arms and cried my heart out, whispering over and over "I'm so tired Alice, so very tired."
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