In the Badlands, Firebrand trotted up to Dr Wolf. "Hey Doc, what's up?" he asked jovially. "What's that?" he asked, gesturing to his ever present clipboard.
The Doctor sighed "It's Gibbon's resignation form." he said, referring to the RED Spy.
"Huh?" asked Firebrand, confused. "Why?"
"Uh, it says right here, 'Left to become a pirate.'" said the Doctor.
There was a moment of dead silence.
"OK then. So, we're down a Spy. That's not good." said Firebrand, master of the obvious.
"What do you mean?" asked the Doc.
"Well, Keyframe's been complaining about certain members being..." he paused to find a way to say this politely.
On the battlefield, ToonKritic landed on the ground "Oh yeah, come on, broski, show me what you're made of-!" he promptly got shot in the head by Voice making him fall flat on his face. "Medic!" he wheezed out.
"Hey, ya big brutes, run run run as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm the-" she noticed a rocket headed towards her far too late, which sent the pegasus flying. "Seriously burnt girl scout cookies." she said, somewhat delirious. "Medic!" she called.
"Um, talk?" said GoldenFox unsurely, before getting shot, making him fall on the ground below "Ow! Son of a, Medic!" he called.
"Burdensome." Firebrand finished flatly.
Keyframe walked in, visibly exhausted from running around everywhere. "Doc, " she wheezed, "sorry to sound so blunt, but can you possibly maybe, kinda, sorta, if you don't mind, hire someone who isn't a walking, talking, BULLSEYE?!" she yelled, at the limit of her patience, surprising both the Doctor and Firebrand.
She then collapsed to the ground in exhaustion. "I think I landed on my Crossbow." she muttered. Firebrand pointed his Medigun at her just in case.
"Ah yes, now I see what you mean, Firebrand." deadpanned the wolf. "Perhaps we have enough meatshields and distractions and could likely use a character of subtlety to fill in one of the last 2 slots for the BLU Team. Now that I think of it, we'd actually have even teams then." he said to himself.
Just then, a new pony entered the room, the unicorn was a shade or two lighter than Finn, had a brown mane and tail, styled somewhat neatly, a pair of glasses, a bright red vest and a pair of tragedy and comedy masks as a cutie mark, indicating an acting special talent. He cleared his throat. "Excuse me, is this where auditions are being held for-" he paused, seeing the collapsed Keyframe.
"Uh, Keyframe, why do you look like you're ready for beddy-by?" the stallion asked.
"Oh hey, Daddy, will you read me the story about how Angel got his devil horns?" she asked, delirious from fatigue.
"Uh, yes, this is where applications can be turned in but, if I may ask, who are you?" the sole biped in the room asked.
"Oh, uh, sorry, how rude of me, " the stallion apologized. "Name's Thespio, Doctor Wolf, actor, singer, dancer, etc. I heard through the chain link fence that a select few of my good friends happened to spend their free time out here and I thought to myself, 'hey, maybe I could join the fun.'"
"So you have personal connections to some of the teammates we've recruited here?" the Doctor asked as Firebrand helped up the sole mare in the room.
"Oh absolutely. I've worked with KP a few times, I've known Eliyora, GoldenFox for quite a while, and me and Keyframe here are pretty tight." Thespio elaborated.
"And we should care about that why?" asked Firebrand dismissively.
"Why?" frowned the actor, twitching briefly, "Why?" a chuckle, and another twitch, "Well, isn't that what being a team is all about? Y'know, knowing each other's strengths and weaknesses for better cohesion on the battlefield?" another chuckle and more twitching. "Also, not to sound rude or anything, but uh, " another twitch, more violent this time. "I kinda hate hate being left out of a thing that my friends are a part of, y'know?" another forced chuckle, more violent twitching. "And uh, I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm pretty hot to trot if you know what I mean." more forced chuckles, another violent twitch.
"No, we don't. And as a medical unprofessional, you might want to get that eye twitch looked at." said Firebrand.
"Listen, Mister Thespio, while it is good you have a plethora of references with you, I'm afraid we don't have any positions open at the moment that fit your apparent need to garner attention, so I'm afraid I'll have to-"
Keyframe interrupted him before he could go on. "C-come on Doc, come on!" she said with forced cheer. "Let Thespio give it a try, like he said, I've personally known him for a while and I know from experience that he is great to work with!" she chuckled nervously "Also, uh, I think we kinda owe it to the colt to, well, y'know, " another nervous chuckle. "saved my life, plus he's, uh, he's got a great mane!" she wasn't wrong. "I mean, come on, so poofy."
Firebrand sighed and said "Well, I suppose we should trust her opinion. All right, show us what you got, hipster." he told the starry eyed Thespio.
"Oh, yes sir! OK, how about this?" he cleared his throat and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his muzzle, pulling out an eyepatch and putting it on "If I were a bad Demopony, I wouldn't be standin' here discussin' it with ya, now would I, ya piece o' cripe?!" he said in a loud Scolttish accent, waving an bottle around, then taking a drink from it, then sighed in relief.
"I mean, can you shoot a gun." said Firebrand in annoyance before getting interrupted again.
"Oh! Wait, wait, wait, I know!" he said, clearing his throat and pulling out a bat and affecting a Boston accent as Silver walked in. "Hey, pop quiz, how long does it take to beat a moron to death? BONK!" he said, swinging it forwards, but accidentally hitting Silver, knocking him to the ground. He put the bat away. "Oops."
"OK, first off, I'm not cleaning that up. Second, would you just simmer down for a second-"
"Oh, wait, I know!" Thespio interrupted again. "My personal favorite." he said, putting on a hat. "Here's a touching story mate, once upon a time, you died, and I lived happily ever after. The end." he said in a low gravelly voice with a Horsetralian accent.
A loud buzzing sound interrupted him, courtesy of Firebrand, starting the hat off the blue pony. "Yeah, bring down the curtain there, Rob Schneider. This is an actual battlefield, not a middle school play, we're kinda looking for somepony who ISN'T a Mardi Gras float with hooves. That's what we have KP for, anyway." he said.
Thespio growled angrily.
"Listen, Thespio, we do very much appreciate your enthusiasm-" he said before getting interrupted by a sputtering Keyframe.
"D-d-doc!" she interrupted, with a nervous giggle "Can I speak to you in private?" she asked, dragging him away by the back of his overalls.
"Ow, goodness, what is it Keyframe?" he asked, crossing his arms.
"Look Doc, you need to indulge him for your own good, I mean, he's a great colt and all, but, let's face it, colt's got an ego the size of Silver Quill's losing streak." she said, as Silver walked by with an ice pack over his head.
"Y'know, you guys are the reason I'm one of Doctor Wolf's favorite patients." he told her.
"I apologize for my bluntness, Keyframe, but I struggle to see how that's our problem." said the diminute canine.
"Some days I wonder why I should get out of bed. And then, the bed explodes." commented Silver.
"It will become your problem." snapped Keyframe, magic flaring briefly. "Trust me, if you don't stroke his ego, he will force you to stroke it. In very unpleasant ways." she warned him.
"Define unpleasant?" asked the canine.
"Oh, really? Tying me up and dangling me over a pit full of lava sharks? OK, that would be slightly threatening if you weren't cutting the rope with the frickin' Connvier's Kunai? You do know that's the worst Spy knife, right? And since you clearly lack the finesse to facestab me, that makes you completely usele-"
"Full marks for creativity, well done!" said the Doctor, rushing in. "Also, I have to say, some new, information, have been brought to my attention, and I've had time to process your earlier, remarkable display of talent."
"You're kidding, you're kidding, right?" asked Firebrand in disbelief.
"We'll talk later." said the Doctor through gritted teeth.
"Oh Great and Magnificent Thespio, I think we have have a position for you that requires your superior acting skills as well as your unique intimate close knowledge of the other teammates." said Dr Wolf with forced enthusiasm.
"Go on." said a very pleased Thespio.
"Hey, could you let me down? My nose is starting to bleed." said Firebrand.
Ink Rose was relaxing on the field when a voice caught her attention, she saw Firebrand walking towards her. "Hey Ink, after ze next vave is done, you vant to go get ourselves some ice cream and talk about Celestia's fillyhood? Mein treat!" 'Firebrand' actually Thespio with a Firerband disguise on asked in a bad German accent.
"Daaw, that's so sweet of you, Fire-" she paused, "wait, when did you adopt a German accent?"
Firebrand said nothing, then "Peekaboo!", and threw her off the edge.
"Nothing personal, I just had to shut you and your headcanons up." said Thespio, now dressed in a blue striped suit and balaclava mask, let loose a short maniacal laugh, and ran away.
"Who was what guy!?" shrieked Ink in surprise.
"I smell the cloth of a white flag." said Eliyora, walking around with her Flamethrower ready to go, "Hey Prenchie, I'm feeling hungry for some Spy flambe, so you better-" she trailed off, seeing Big Macintosh where she could have sworn Thespio was not a second ago.
"You wouldn't hurt me, would you, my little apple dumpling?" asked Big Mac innocently.
Eliyora sputtered and put her weapon away "No, of course not, sweetie, I wouldn't dream of it." she said as the tall stallion approached.
"Eli! That Big Mac is a Spy!" cried out Voice in an Horsetralian accent.
"Horse bend, uh, wha what?" asked Eli.
"SURPRISE, DUMBELL!" cried out Thespio, facestabbing her. "Who's the prettiest unicorn now?" he asked, laughed madly, and ran off.
Finn was busy trying to fix his Dispenser which was currently frying due to a well placed Sapper. It then exploded, much to his annoyance.
"Verily and forsooth, Finn." said "Dr Wolf" approaching Finn. "Our predicament is quite important and unpropitious."
Finn just scowled and smacked him with his Wrench, revealing him as Thespio.
"You have done well." admitted Thespio, pulling out his stock Knife, "All right, go time, mano y mano!" he said, only for Finn to smack his knife right out of his hoof with his Wrench.
"Uh dude, if you're gonna be a Spy, you're gonna need a better strategy than that. You see, being the Spy is all about stealth and deceit, you have to be sure to play your enemies into your hooves, 'cause even the slightest wrong move could result in your demise." he told the now annoyed Thespio. "Especially if you're using old school weapons like the-"
"Oh nuts to this." said Thespio, pulling out his Ambassador, and shooting Finn in the head.
"Eh, I guess that works too." said Finn, and fell over, dead.
"Wow." said Thespio after a beat. "I just killed one of my own team members… " he said, dropping the French accent in shock. Dr Wolf hadn't bothered with an anti Friendly Fire measure because he hadn't thought it necessary. "Yet I have no regrets!" he said and began to cackle maniacally and started chasing both BLU and RED to the Ode to Joy playing in his head, chasing around Blissey riding GoldenFox, chasing a retreating ToonKritic who was out of ammo, even chasing KP and somehow keeping up with her, even trying to backstab Lightning Bliss only to miss her due to her Rainbow Travel all while cackling about "Oooh, a stab sytab here, a stab stab there, ahahahaa!" To him, it was glorious.
Dr Wolf, Firebrand, and AnY were watching from above, out of Thespio's reach, watching him descend into madness. "Ude ande Schadenfreude." said AnY, pulling out his Grenade Launcher to see if he could get a hit on Thespio to make him respawn, hopefully snapping him out of his madness.
"Indeed." said the Doctor. "This is, quite a display. What do you think, Firebrand?" he asked him.
"Well, he still needs a little practice, seeing as he's about a subtle as The Mask." pointed out the crimson Medic.
A gunshot rang out across the battlefield "YAHOOHOOHOOHOOOY!" cried out Thespio as he was sent flying across the battlefield from a high power rubber bullet meant to send ponies flying, courtesy of a very annoyed GoldenFox. He then landed on his face. GoldenFox approached him and told him "Ha, that's for trying to move in on my mare, buddy." he said smugly.
"Oh come on, Fox, that was 3 months ago and I said I was sorr-ahahaa!" he screamed as another high power rubber bullet sent him flying.
"But if anything, I find his pain and the pain he inflicts on others incredibly amusing." said Firebrand, only to see Thespio fall in between the 3 of them. AnY pointed his Grenade Launcher at him, Firebrand got his Medigun out in case he needed to pop uber on himself or one of his teammates to escape the psychotic Spy.
"Sacré bleu, mon croissant just got burnt." he said deliriously.
"OK, you are overdoing the Prench a bit." said AnY, leaving, seeing as he had calmed down, more or less.
"No seriously, the croissant I was going to give everyone as a peace offering got burnt to a crisp." said Thespio, pulling out and throwing away a burnt croissant. He then started laughing hysterically. "Oh wow, I haven't had this much fun since I danced alongside BlackGryphon and Apple Bloom during Pony Palooza!" he said, referring to two moderately famous celebrities who were known for being rather sociable. He laughed again, much to Firebrand's annoyance.
"Ugh, for the last time, nopony cares about you-" he was promptly given a reminding smack by Doctor Wolf "You really, you did? I, h-how did that go, that sounds very interesting." he asked, quickly shifting gears.
"Are you absolutely sure having him on the BLU Team is a good idea, Keyframe?" asked Dr Wolf.
"Better to have ze draconequus be your ally zen be in his path." she reminded him. The two looked at Thespio who was chuckling, chuckling turned to laughter, which turned to mad cackling.
"We're doomed." the Doctor deadpanned.
