Chapter 9: Show Me How to be Whole Again

A/N: First of all, the chapter title is a line from the song Castle of Glass by Linkin Park. It's a really great song! I was listening to it while writing Chekov's part of this chapter.

Second, this will be the last REALLY angsty chapter (I think… we'll see… at least the last one for a while, I promise!), and Chekov is going to be terrible and try to cut himself again, but then I'm gonna be done with that stuff, so anyone who's tweaking over this can breathe easy, this is the last chapter with cutting.

Oh, and I have this stupid grin on my face right now… you have no idea… I just came up with this epic scene… sadly it won't be up for MANY chapters… (sad) But I'm gonna go write it right now, and there will be a distinct lack of shirts and a whole lot of fresh-from-the-shower sexiness… (fans self and almost faints) Yes, I'm a tease. You guys still love me though, right?

Disclaimer: If I had the money to buy Star Trek, I'd probably find other things to spend it on, honestly… Like paying John Cho and Anton Yelchin to dress in the Starfleet uniforms and make out so I can take pictures… Or re-enact the scene I'm about to write that STILL has me grinning… What, me, crazy? Nah!


Even though Pavel Chekov had promised Dr. McCoy that he would talk to Hikaru, he didn't know what to say and so he found himself not saying a word when the other man returned from his exams looking like he'd been hit by a truck.

"Hey Pavel," Hikaru greeted him with a wan smile. "You feeling okay?"

Chekov at least managed a nod, but his throat closed up and he couldn't speak. He was still hurt and angry and confused and his thoughts were still too dark…

Hikaru tried to talk to him some more, but getting no response, he finally gave up. Chekov just stared into space, his fingers tracing the bandage covering the tender new skin on his arm. It was strange to know that there were no longer any cut marks there…

He wasn't sure how much time had passed, but suddenly Hikaru was in the room, halfway between the door and the bed. "Hey… can I talk to you for a sec?"

Chekov just shrugged.

Hikaru took a step closer. "Listen… I know you hate me right now."

Chekov's head jerked up slightly, but he didn't refute that.

Hikaru gradually inched closer as he talked. "You may hate me for weeks, months, years, whatever. But I'm not going to apologize to you. I don't regret saving you because someday you're going to be glad that I did. You may never tell me so… hell, you may never want to see me again. But you won't always hate me for doing this, and that's all that's important to me."

Chekov glanced up warily. Hikaru's cheeks were slightly flushed. There was something… oddly personal about that speech. They stared at each other for a painfully long moment before Chekov dropped his gaze and Hikaru started backing away.

"I'll be in the living room. Call if you need me."

Chekov chewed on his lower lip. "Actually…"

Hikaru turned around quickly, almost eagerly. "Yes?"

"…" Chekov blushed a little. "Can… can you help me get up? I need to use the bathroom."

Hikaru nodded and stepped next to the bed. He easily slipped Chekov's uninjured arm over his shoulder, letting Chekov lean against him and shouldering his weight easily as they walked. Once they were at the bathroom, Chekov clutched at the counter, his legs supporting him, but only just.

"Call if you need me," Hikaru repeated. Chekov nodded and closed the door, leaning against it and exhaling.

Hikaru's bathroom was spotless, which was a bit of a change from the last time he'd seen it. Not that it had been strictly messy, but… this was so clean, it was unnerving.

Shaking his head, Chekov began opening drawers and checking the medicine cabinet. His heart sank. Hikaru had thought this through. There were no razor blades in the bathroom.

Chekov chewed on his lower lip. Then his eyes fell on an empty glass sitting at the edge of the sink. He filled the glass and brought it to his lips, taking a long drink. Then he stared at the empty glass, the leftover beads of water glimmering under the harsh bathroom lighting. And he let the glass fall from his hands, shattering on the floor.

Chekov dropped to his knees, quickly spotting the piece he wanted, nice and long with a good jagged edge, just like a knife. That piece was slipped into the pocket of his shirt, and then he began to slowly and carefully gather the rest of the shattered glass into a pile.

The door burst open and Hikaru stood there, alarm written all over his face. "Pavel! What happened? Are you okay?"

"Fine," Chekov mumbled. "Just dropped my glass. I'm sorry…"

"No, it's fine… they're easy to replicate…" Hikaru said. "Here, let me help you back to bed. I'll clean up the glass, don't worry about it." And he reached out, carefully clasping Chekov's hand and guiding him out of the bathroom and back to bed. Chekov stared into space as Hikaru quietly cleaned up the fallen glass, and he closed his eyes as Hikaru passed through the bedroom. Hikaru hesitated at the doorway, then turned off the light and closed the door. Chekov managed to fall asleep quickly after that.

Chekov woke up a few hours later and lay in the darkness, listening. The apartment was silent. Hikaru must either be asleep or out… Either way…

Chekov shifted and sat up in bed, turning on the light on the nightstand. Then he broke Dr. McCoy's only rule, unwrapping the bandage on his arm. The newly regenerated skin was so soft, still tender when he touched it. It was almost beautiful… and yet, the pristine condition angered Chekov. He was so broken… it was like this new skin was an insult.

"This time… I won't fail…" he whispered to himself as he pulled the shard of glass from his pocket. He laid it against his wrist, admiring the effect as the light from the nightstand played on the glass and reflected onto the new skin. He was so absorbed that he failed to notice the bedroom door open.

"What the…!"

And Hikaru was flying across the room, faster than Chekov had ever seen him move before. One hand grabbed for the wrist holding the glass, trying to pull it backwards. The other hand darted between the glass shard and Chekov's exposed wrist.

An angry hiss escaped Chekov's lips and he tried to slip the glass around Hikaru's fingers, but Hikaru was not playing around. He grabbed the glass directly and held it… hard. Scarlet droplets squeezed themselves from Sulu's palm and fingers, bright against the transparent glass.

Seeing the blood that was not his… Chekov froze. He was paralyzed, staring mutely at Hikaru's injured hand. When Hikaru tried to pull the glass from Chekov's fingers, the teen didn't resist. He just sat in stunned silence as Hikaru quietly walked away.

When he returned, his hand was bandaged and Chekov couldn't decide whether to stare at it or turn away from the sight. He felt sick. Hikaru perched on the edge of the bed, not saying anything. Chekov couldn't speak either.

Finally Hikaru grabbed Chekov's hand, placing Chekov's fingertips against his palm and fingers. "Pavel… do you feel these scars?" he asked, his voice so soft that Chekov barely heard it even though they were so close and the apartment was so quiet…

He nodded. There were a few raised scars on Hikaru's hands, and he could vaguely remember feeling them on his body that one night… at the time, it had not mattered; and if he'd thought about them at all, he'd assumed they were calluses rather than scars. "Vat happened?" he asked finally.

Hikaru's eyes were haunted, slightly glazed over. He wasn't really seeing Chekov… he was seeing something from the past.

"When I was thirteen… my sister Rina tried to kill herself by swallowing pills. She was fifteen." Hikaru swallowed. "I found her in the bathroom… I called the police, and we got her to a hospital in time. I… I thought she'd be okay after that, but… a month later… I found her in the bathroom trying to cut her wrist with a knife from the kitchen."

Chekov's eyes widened. He felt suddenly ill.

"I… I tried to grab the knife from her… We struggled… we fought, really. The whole time… she was screaming that she was going to kill me if I kept trying to stop her."

Hikaru paused, blinking back tears. Chekov gulped. The enormity of what he'd done was finally sinking in…

Hikaru cleared his throat, finally able to continue. "My oldest sister Miko heard the struggle and she called the police. Rina… she didn't speak to me at all for about eight months."

He stopped speaking again, licking his lips and swallowing hard. Chekov blinked, tears pricking his eyes. Hikaru finally looked him straight in the eye.

"I would have willingly died to save my sister from anyone, even herself… I'm not afraid to get hurt to protect people I care about. I hope you remember that later." He stood up. "Hate me all you want, Pavel, but you'll never be able to make me regret saving you."

He started to walk out of the bedroom. Chekov finally found his voice.

"'Karu?"

Hikaru froze. Then he slowly turned around to face the teen.

Chekov licked his dry lips. He didn't quite know how to ask what he wanted to ask. All he knew was that he didn't want to be alone anymore, and he didn't want Hikaru to be alone anymore either.

"Vill… vill you stay… here… vit me?" he stammered, his voice so soft, it was scarcely more than a whisper. At first he wasn't sure if Hikaru had heard him as the Asian stood there. Finally he turned back around to face the bed.

"Yeah, okay," he agreed softly. And he crossed the room and settled into the bed next to Chekov, close enough to touch but not actually touching.

Hesitantly, Chekov reached out to rest his fingertips on Hikaru's palm, right over some of his scars. Hikaru hesitated a moment, then reached out to run his fingers through Chekov's curls. Chekov made a soft noise of appreciation and closed his eyes, falling asleep almost at once.


Hikaru Sulu was dreaming.

He was thirteen again, and he couldn't find Rina… And the bathroom door was closed and she wouldn't answer his persistent knocks…

And he finally picked the lock on the door and there she was, attacking her wrists with that knife, blood spattering on the walls…

And he screamed for her to stop, and she screamed back that she couldn't handle IT anymore and she was going to kill herself now and end IT…

And he grabbed the blade of the knife, barely feeling it as the knife cut down to the bone…

And she stared at him, so angry and horrified, like he was the devil himself… and she attacked him with the knife, trying to stab him so he would stop trying to help her…

And she pinned him down on the floor, her blood running down her wrists and dripping onto his arms and face, and her expression was downright deranged as she straddled his chest and held the knife up over his prone body…

And Sulu finally woke up, barely swallowing back the scream that tried to tear itself from his throat. His hands were clenching the sheets in a death grip and he was gasping for breath. Slowly he sat up, running a hand through his hair.

"Fuck…" he groaned. He'd had that nightmare last night too… Tears stung his eyes and he wondered if he should call Rina… or maybe Miko… just to reassure himself that things were fine…

"Hikaru?"

Sulu nearly jumped out of his skin. That was why he'd swallowed his scream, he remembered suddenly. "Jeezus, Pavel! I… didn't know you were awake…" he decided at last, one hand moving to cover his racing heart. For a moment, he couldn't remember why it was bandaged…

"Are you okay?" Pavel asked softly.

Sulu couldn't look at him. "Yeah. I'm fine. Just… bad dream… I… I'll be right back," he muttered, sliding out of bed and walking out to the main room of the apartment.

After splashing some water from the kitchen sink on his face, Sulu checked to see if he had any messages on his PADD, then collapsed onto the couch. Realizing it was much too late to call either of his sisters, he thought about sending them messages, but then decided against it. They would only be worried, and he didn't need to upset them with his nightmares. But he was rattled…

A noise next to him made him jump, and he turned to see Pavel standing in the doorway of the bedroom, clutching the doorframe to stay upright.

"Pavel, what are you doing? You shouldn't be up yet," he exclaimed.

"You are upset," Pavel said. He looked unbearably guilty. "It's my fault, isn't it?"

"It…" Sulu began, then looked down. "It's not…"

"You do not haff to lie to me… I am not a child…"

"It's not really… I mean… It's just…" Sulu shook his head. "It's not your fault that I'm thinking of the past."

"Da, it is," Pavel argued. "I reminded you of your sister."

"You didn't know," Sulu said with a shrug. And then he managed a weak smile. "Besides, I'm two for two… I saved her too, you know."

Pavel wrinkled his nose, not appreciating the joke.

"Sorry, that was tasteless," Sulu muttered, glancing in the direction of his bookshelf rather than look at Pavel anymore.

Neither one spoke. Pavel looked so pale and exhausted standing there.

"Go back to bed," Sulu said at last, in as kind a voice as he could manage. "I'm fine, honest."

Pavel just shook his head. "I vill stay up."

Seeing no alternative, Sulu stood up and walked back into the bedroom with Pavel. Now that he was no longer riding that emotional roller coaster or adrenaline rush, the intimacy of the situation was unsettling to Sulu and he was perhaps a tad more tense as he lay down. Pavel seemed to feel no such reservations though. He wasn't quite cuddling, but his head rested against Sulu's shoulder, and Sulu would have been lying if he said it wasn't comforting in a weird sort of way…

In the morning, Sulu was up early as usual. He didn't have an exam that day, so he settled himself down at his desk to study, the bedroom door open in case Pavel needed anything. Dr. McCoy came by later in the morning to check up on the boys. The first thing he saw was Sulu's bandaged hand.

"The hell happened to you?" the gruff doctor demanded.

"Nothing serious," Sulu said casually as they walked towards the bedroom where Pavel was reading something on his PADD. "Pavel dropped a glass in the bathroom and it startled me and I cut myself on accident. No big deal."

"You want me to look at it?" McCoy asked, giving Sulu a look that strongly implied that he would have no choice in the matter.

"Um, sure, I guess…" Sulu stammered.

Pavel glanced at both of them, hazel eyes only slightly puzzled… he had the good sense not to react to Sulu's lie.

"Mind tellin' me what the hell you took your bandages off for?" McCoy demanded when he saw Pavel's bare wrist.

"They vere itching," Pavel said, his hazel eyes now huge and brimming with innocence.

"Hmm…" the doctor muttered, pulling out his tricorder and running it over the boy. "Well, you seem to be recovering much faster than I thought you would… You should be on your feet real soon."

Pavel managed a grin at that.

The doctor rounded on Sulu. "Bandage off. Now."

With a long-suffering sigh, Sulu removed the bandage. Pavel made a soft noise when he saw the wound on Sulu's hand in the more harsh light of day.

"That looks pretty deep. The hell did you cut this on?" McCoy muttered as he examined it. Without waiting for Sulu to answer, he frowned and looked at Sulu's other hand. "Both your hands are pretty banged up… You want me to use the dermal regenerator?"

"No, thank you," Sulu said stiffly.

The doctor looked puzzled. "You sure?"

"Yeah…" Sulu said quietly. Realizing that both Pavel and McCoy were staring at him, he added, "They're… reminders. I… would prefer to leave them intact."

"If you're sure," McCoy agreed quietly, giving the young man a hypo to prevent infections. "Keep it clean and let me know if it starts lookin' funny." Bidding the boys goodbye, the doctor left.

Sulu tugged irritably at the bandage. This was the worst part, waiting for the injury to heal… Then he noticed the distressed look on Pavel's face.

"Vhy did you lie to de doctor?" Pavel whispered, hazel eyes now filled with all the guilt he must have been repressing earlier.

"Because I think you've got the message now…" Sulu said softly.

Pavel looked uncertain for a moment, then he focused on Sulu with a determined expression. "Vat happened vit your sister?" he asked.

Sulu blinked. "Well… we… er…" He rubbed his eyes. "It's… complicated. She's doing well," he hastened to assure the teenager, "she has a great job as a professor on the East Coast, and she has a girlfriend that Miko approves of. Mentally, she's doing quite nicely."

"But… vat about…?"

Sulu glanced down at the bandages on his hand. "She and I don't talk much… We're getting a little better I think, but…" He shook his head. Pavel looked like he was going to speak again, so Sulu rushed ahead. "Do you need anything? I really need to get back to studying…"

"Oh, right…" the teen realized. "Nyet, I'm fine. You study."

Sulu managed a grin and he went back to his books. Only a few more finals to go before graduation, and then they would be assigned to a ship… Surely there would be less drama in space.


A/N: Okay, not fond of the ending… but I'm ready to move on. Must… get… back… to… Enterprise… That's where all the epic romance is going to occur!

A/N 2: (added at time of update) So I'm in the grips of a screaming agonizing migraine right now (I'm not actually sure how I'm typing this…) Luckily this chapter was already done, and chapter 10 is like 99 percent done, so a couple days of pressing cold cloths to my eyes and trying not to claw out my brain with a spoon shouldn't slow the updates. And Chulu is all up in my head being amazing and hopefully that'll give me lots of ideas for when I can actually start writing again.